She glanced out of the bedroom window and smiled. ‘There’s one of those silly snow-sculptures that have been appearing all over town!’
A small snow-kennel nestled in the far corner of next door’s garden. A perfect copy of Buster, their bull-terrier dog, stood with his leg cocked up against a rhododendron bush nearby, as if frozen in place by the Arctic weather.
‘It’s front-page news,’ said Mum. ‘Look, I’ve brought the paper to show you.’
Danny and Matthew gazed at a photograph of the vampire they had built emerging from a wheelie bin outside Gracie Green’s house. Danny grinned as he read the short article:
‘I wonder who’s making them?’ said Mum.
Just then, Natalie’s chin started to waggle up and down like a monkey chewing a mint. Long, sticky strands of drool dribbled and dangled from her lips.
That’s Skunk Flu Phase Three!’ laughed Danny. ‘You’ll have to wear a bib like baby Joey!’
‘Mum!’ wailed his sister. Her chin wagged furiously, sending ropes of spit flying in all directions. ‘Tell him!’
Squished!
Dear Mr Bibby
Look at the newspaper clipping I’ve sent with this letter. I know you’ll keep our secret, so I can tell you. It’s not the Abominable Snowman making these snowmen, it’s the Abominable Snowboys – me and Matt! We’ve made special suits to hide our identities and built an igloo HQ in the corner of my front garden. It’s an Ace!
No one’s caught us yet, and so far we’ve made forty-nine snowy sculptures! Matt’s taking a photo of each one as proof.
What’s the record for building the most snowman in a single town?
Best wishes
Danny Baker
The Great Big Book
of World Records
London
Dear Danny
If the Big Freeze lasts for as long as the weather forecasters say it will, you and Matthew should certainly have enough time to break the Single-location Team-snowman-building world record! However, you’re going to have to work hard.
In 1988, Merrick Moth of Newbiggin-by-the-Sea, formed ‘The Snowdrops’, a group of friends who loved all things chilly. In November that year, the group made 445 individual snowmen in the Norwegian town of Lillehammer. Their creations were nothing like the wonderful sculptures you and Matthew have produced in Penleydale, but they broke the record.
In 1991, The Snowdrops fell out over which flavour of ice-lolly was best. The group split up, and Merrick Moth set off alone to tackle the record for High-altitude Single-handed Snowman Building. He built a snowman on top of the ten highest mountains in the world, finishing his amazing feat by constructing one on the peak of Mount Everest.
However, when Merrick stuck the carrot in the snowman’s face to make the nose, he pushed too hard and the head fell off. It rolled down the long steep slopes gathering speed and snow, getting bigger and bigger by the second. It bowled into Base Camp at the same time as Sherpa Ninezing, who had just discovered the lair of the legendary Yeti, otherwise known as the ‘Abominable Snowman’. Sadly, the humongous snowball rolled over poor Sherpa Ninezing, flattening him like a pancake before he could reveal the location to anyone else.
Although Merrick Moth never intended to break this record, the snowball he started when he accidentally knocked his snowman’s head off was the biggest ever recorded, with a circumference of 103.68 m. Because of the cold and high altitude in the Himalayas, the snowball will never melt and remains at Base Camp for all time as a unique memorial to poor Sherpa Ninezing.
Good luck with your attempt, Danny, and don’t worry – your snowy secret’s safe with me!
Best wishes
Eric Bibby
Keeper of the Records
‘How’s Nat the Niff?’ asked Matthew as one of Natalie’s booming belches burst from her room next door.
‘Still stinky,’ replied Danny. ‘Dad’s hung strings of garlic around her bedroom and left lumps of runny green cheese all over the house to try and cover the whiff. But it doesn’t work now she’s letting rip with those mega-pongy burps as well. And her chin’s started wagging like a jelly on a spring. She’s not happy!’
Just then, Dad came upstairs and popped his head round Danny’s bedroom door.
‘There’s been a terrible accident on the High Street,’ he announced. ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs have been run over at the bus stop – they’re splattered!’
‘What?’ said Danny.
‘It’s true,’ continued Dad. ‘And the snow-bunny outside the greengrocer’s has had his ears cut off and his carrot pinched!’
The boys stared at each other.
‘Let’s go and investigate!’ said Danny.
On their way into town, the boys passed through Penley Park.
Matthew gasped. ‘Look!’ he cried. ‘Our parrot’s been pulverized and our budgie’s been battered!’
Sure enough, the two huge snow-birds they had built perched on the swings in the playground were now just crumpled heaps of snow.
Matthew hurried over to check the crocodile they had made hiding by the DANGER! sign on the railings around the pond. ‘The crocodile’s been crunched!’
Danny clomped over to the see-saw, where they had left a snow-hamster and a snow-hippo riding happily. ‘Our hamster’s been hammered!’ he said. ‘And what’s this?’
In the pile of snow that used to be the hippo was a small rectangular card. It was impaled there with an icicle, and on it was written in black, spidery handwriting:
‘STOP THIS NOW OR THE DUCKS GET IT!’
They tramped over to the bandstand, where Matthew had built a mother duck being followed by a row of ten tiny baby ducks.
‘My ducklings have been destroyed!’ he groaned, picking up a second notice, covered in the same squiggly writing. The sign had been jabbed into one of the trampled sculptures:
‘THE DUCKS GOT IT ANYWAY!’
Just then, Danny noticed two straight lines cutting through the snow, going from one bashed snow-model to another.
‘Look!’ he said, pointing at the marks. ‘Ski tracks! And they’re heading into town! Let’s check out the High Street.’
It was just as Dad had described. A small crowd had gathered to look at the flattened remains of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Another message had been scratched into the ice covering the window of Bewley’s Bakery:
‘DON’T BE DOPEY!
YOU’RE MAKING ME GRUMPY!’
‘Our snowmen have been squished,’ said Matthew. ‘What’ll we do?’
‘We’ll rebuild them all tomorrow!’ whispered Danny. ‘This is a job for the Abominable Snowboys!’
Snow Wars
Matt called for Danny straight after breakfast the following day.
‘I’ve hidden our disguises in the HQ,’ said Danny. ‘Let’s go!’
The boys scurried down to the corner of the front garden, crawled into the igloo and put on their disguises. They grinned at each other, pulled down the bobble-hat masks and put their underpants on over their overpants.
‘The Abominable Snowboys are go!’ said Danny, peeking out of the entrance to make sure Natalie wasn’t watching from the house. ‘All clear!’
He and Matthew scuttled across the snow and headed down the road to check on the snowmen they had built at school.
‘The Squisher’s been busy again,’ said Danny as they approached the gates.
Mr Flutey’s arm had been broken off, and the tutti-frutti lolly shoved up his nose. ‘Beaky’ Rogers was just a shapeless white mound with the orange cone on top, and the snowy dinner lady, Mrs Gommersall, had been chopped and sliced like a loaf of bread. Mrs Woodcock’s huge head had been knocked off and yet another note skewered to it with a long glistening icicle:
‘DON’T LOSE YOUR HEADS!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!’
The boys made quick repairs to Mrs Gommersall and Mr Flutey, then heaved Mrs Woodcock’s head back on to her body.
‘It’s back to front,’ said Matthew
.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ replied Danny. ‘She looks better that way.’
He scribbled a defiant message of his own on the back of the note and stabbed it into the snow-teacher’s back:
‘WE’LL STAY ONE STEP A-HEAD OF YOU!’
Danny and Matthew made their way into town. This time there was no need to duck into doorways or creep around corners – their disguises hid their identities – and they were able to take their time repairing all the spoilt snowmen.
Whenever the boys came to a nasty notice, they flipped the card over and wrote a cheeky reply:
‘WE’RE NOT SNOWFLAKES!’
And:
‘WE WON’T MELT AWAY!’
And:
‘YOU’VE GOT SNOW BUSINESS WRECKING OUR SNOWMAN!’
And:
‘WE ARE THE ABOMINABLE SNOWBOYS!’
Outside the Woof and Fluff Animal Hospital, Danny and Matthew decided to make some brand-new snow-sculptures. They dug and shaped, making a queue of animals waiting for the vet to arrive.
At the front stood the Big Bad Wolf being chased by the Three Little Pigs; next in line came Nellie the Elephant being frightened by the Three Blind Mice, and bringing up the rear was St George and his Dragon.
As it began to get dark, another heavy fall of snow swept across the town. A small crowd of people who had stopped to watch the boys clapped and cheered as Danny stuck a final message on the end of Nellie the Elephant’s trunk:
‘IF YOU KNOCK THEM DOWN, WE’LL BUILD THEM UP AGAIN!’
‘Time to go home,’ he said. ‘We’ll see what happens tomorrow.’
The next morning, the boys followed a fresh trail of ski tracks through the town. Every single snowman they had made or repaired had been smashed to the ground during the night.
‘Look at this,’ said Matthew, pointing to the note Danny had left on Nellie the Elephant’s trunk.
On the back of the card was another spidery scrawl:
‘IF YOU BUILD THEM UP, I’LL KNOCK THEM DOWN AGAIN!’
‘It said on TV that the Big Thaw will start in three days,’ said Matthew. ‘If the Squisher keeps squishing, we’ll just run out of time.’
Danny thought for a moment. ‘We can still break the record,’ he said, setting off for home. ‘I’ve got a letter to write, and this time it’s not to Mr Bibby!’
Great Galloping Snowballs!
To the Editor
The Penleydale Clarion
Wapping Street
Dear Sir
Please can you print this notice on your front page:
On Saturday morning, Danny and Matthew went into their igloo HQ and put on their superhero outfits for the last time. The suits were already looking the worse for wear, floppy and grubby, the overpants-underpants baggier than ever and only held up by safety pins. They strapped on their snowshoes and made their way to Penley Park.
Dozens of children had already turned up, each one armed with a spade and kitted out in woolly hats, scarves and mittens. The kids cheered when they saw the Abominable Snowboys galumphing towards them.
‘Cool!’ said Matthew. ‘It’s an Abominable Army!’
‘Come on everyone!’ shouted Danny. ‘Let’s make a game of snowman football!’
More helpers turned up throughout the morning. By the time they all stopped to eat their packed lunches, two teams of snowy footballers dotted the pitch, with a snow-referee in the centre, and two assistant referees on each touchline. One player had been made rolling around with a fake injury. Another was frozen in place making a desperate sliding tackle on his opponent, who had just taken a shot at goal. The snow-goalkeeper (That’s me!’ said Danny) was diving across his goal line to save the shot. The snowman crowd around the edge was growing rapidly, and Matthew struggled to keep a count of them all.
By four o’clock in the afternoon, with the light beginning to fade, Matthew announced that they had made 441 snowmen.
‘We’ve got more spectators here than Penleydale United!’ said Danny. ‘Only five more to build and we’re record breakers!’
The kids cheered once more.
Just then, Danny heard a distant rumble, like thunder. He glanced up towards the darkening sky and an astonishing sight met his eyes.
Careering down the steep hill behind the park at a terrifying speed was the most enormous snowball Danny had ever seen. With every passing metre, it collected more and more snow, growing bigger and bigger, travelling faster and faster.
‘It’s heading straight towards us!’ gasped Danny.
The Abominable Army stopped, staring in awe as the snowball hurtled along the edge of town.
‘Oh no!’ shouted Matthew, pointing frantically in the opposite direction. ‘Look!’
A second giant snowball was thundering down the other side of the valley. It had been carefully aimed and nothing stood in its way. In seconds it would roll right into the park, flattening snowmen and children alike.
‘RUN!’ yelled Danny. ‘Get out of the way!’
Everyone scattered in panic. The two converging monster snowballs – each one as big as a house – crashed into the park at the same moment. One smashed over the Happy Cuppa Tea Rooms, while the other reduced the wooden bandstand to splinters. They steamrollered through the multitude of snowmen, before crunching to a halt a short distance from each other in the middle of the snow football pitch. Only the snow-goalkeepers at each end had escaped the crush.
As shocked children stood and stared, an eerie silence settled, broken only by a weird muffled buzzing coming from the snowballs, as though each was filled with a million angry bees.
The Squisher’s beaten us after all,’ said Matthew.
Danny gazed at the devastation and had to admit that Matthew was right: the record attempt lay in ruins. Just then, movement in the trees nearby caught Danny’s eye. A hooded figure was zigzagging through the trees on long black skis.
‘It’s him! It’s the Squisher!’ said Danny, scooping up a big snowball and hurling it at the moving target. His aim was spot-on: right on the nose! The snowball splattered across the man’s face, and he tumbled to the ground.
‘Don’t let him get away!’ ordered Danny.
The Abominable Army swarmed into the woods. They surrounded the mysterious raider, pelting him with dozens of snowballs, turning him instantly into a living snowman.
Danny and Matthew worked their way to the front of the crowd of children. ‘Why have you been spoiling our fun?’ asked Danny.
The man struggled to his feet, tugged off his hood and fixed the boys with black, beady eyes. He had a long, bony face framed by wispy grey hair that stuck out untidily in all directions.
‘My name is Merrick Moth,’ he announced. ‘My Snowdrops and I have held this record since 1988, and I’m not about to let a couple of kids take it away. I warned you, but you wouldn’t stop.’ He glanced around at the destruction he had caused. ‘I win! You lose!’
Matthew stepped forward. ‘You could have squashed us all with those giant snowballs!’ he said.
‘Let’s tie him up with our scarves,’ said Danny. Then take him to the police station!’
The Abominable Army swarmed around the Squisher to stop him from escaping, then knotted their scarves together, wrapping the thick woolly rope tightly around him.
‘Wait!’ he called as the throng of children slid him on his skis towards the park gates. He stared at Danny and Matthew. ‘Who are you?’
‘We’re the Abominable Snowboys!’ they replied in chorus.
Also known as …’ said Danny, as he and Matthew yanked the bobble hats off their heads, ‘Danny Baker.’ ‘And Matthew Mason!’ The rest of the kids burst out laughing. ‘We knew it was you as soon as we heard you wanted to break a world record!’
Danny and Matthew grinned at each other and watched as the jostling crowd of children headed for the police station with the tall figure of Merrick Moth trapped at its centre.
Alone again in the park, the boys took one last look around
the field of flattened footballers.
‘What’s this?’ said Danny, digging a small black box from the snow. The device had a long silver aerial and two joysticks with the words ‘Left Ball’ and ‘Right Ball’ written beneath them.
‘Remote-controlled snowballs!’ gasped Matthew. ‘Cool!’
‘So that’s why they’re buzzing,’ said Danny, staring at the two huge spheres. ‘I wonder …’
He touched the left joystick, and one of the snowballs jerked forward. He moved the right joystick, and the other snowball began to creep across the ground.
‘If we’re quick, Matt, we might still be able to claim a record.’
Danny Baker Record Breaker
Dear Mr Bibby
You need to send Merrick Moth another certificate, for Remote-controlled Giant-rolling-snowball Snowman Destruction! But you’d better send it to Bad Bodkin Prison, because that’s where he’ll be living for the next six months! He’s been charged with rolling snowballs with intent to cause grievous bodily harm!
He squished our record attempt with his two great big snowballs, but we had the last laugh – me and Matt managed to turn them into a great big snow-bum! It measures 111.36 m all the way round. It’s huge and it’s awesome, but is it a record breaker?
Best wishes
Danny Baker
PS Even though the Big Thaw started today, my dad says that our snow-bottom is so massive it won’t melt for weeks! Ace!
The Great Big Book
of World Records
London
Dear Danny
I read all about Merrick Moth’s terrible deeds, and he is now banned from future record attempts. I will NOT be sending him any more certificates ever again. However, his disgraceful behaviour has led to yet another stunning achievement by you and Matthew!
That snow-bottom is one of the most truly wonderful creations I have ever seen! I have framed the photograph you sent, and it now hangs in my office where everyone can see it.
Congratulations! You and Matthew have set a new world record for the Biggest Snow-bottom Ever Made! You should be very proud! I have enclosed another certificate to add to your collection.
Best wishes
Eric Bibby
Keeper of the Records
The Big Freeze was over, and the Big Return to School was about to begin. Danny was up early and sat at the kitchen table sprinkling sugar on his bowl of cereal. He sniffed and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his jumper.
Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants Page 2