by Ashley Emma
“Of course you couldn’t. You were so young. It’s not your fault.” Liv wanted to reach out and pat her shoulder, but she was afraid Ava would shy away.
Ava continued, “He built that secret room himself, telling us never to go downstairs while he was working on it. He hid me that day he told everyone I drowned. He told me he was protecting me from the world. I think he meant he was protecting me from his own abuse. He beat my entire family. I think I might have been his favorite, and that’s why he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. I’m really not sure.
“He kept me down there so I wouldn’t tell anyone about him trying to kill my mother, and I’ve been kept there ever since. My mother always knew, and she told Samuel about me after my father died.”
“Your mother never tried to get you out?” Isaac asked.
“No. I think she was too afraid of what my father would do. But she loves me. She brought me books, paper, pencils, and art supplies. She tried to make the best of a terrible situation. Because of her, I was able to write all those novels you saw in there.”
“That was kind of her.” Liv wanted to add that Diana should have tried harder to get Ava out or at least tell the police, but she now was not the time.
Ava nodded. “Yes. My father blamed Ian for supposedly letting me die. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because he was the oldest child. It was one of his sick schemes. Ian left the Amish as soon as he was old enough. Haven’t heard anything about him since then. My other brother Jake was killed by his wife several years ago, since he probably abused her too.”
Liv winced, knowing Ava had no idea Liv was the one who had killed her brother. And now was not the time to tell her.
“After I heard my father was murdered, Samuel and Mamm still wouldn’t let me out. I guess they knew they would get in trouble if the secret got out.” Ava took in a deep breath.
Isaac and Liv looked at each other, not even knowing what to say.
After they took a moment to let her story sink in. “Ava, I don’t know what else to say except I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”
Ava looked up at the sky and stared at it as though she had never seen it before, then she looked at Liv. “Thank you for getting me out of there.”
“I’m just glad you’re safe now. So, what will you do with your freedom? I’m guessing you’ll get to keep that house all to yourself while they are in prison. They will be in jail for a very, very long time.”
Ava let out a sigh of relief. “You mean will I remain Amish? I am not really sure. Technically I am Amish, but I never really got to live the lifestyle. I guess I am stuck between your world and mine,” she sighed. “Maybe I should try both and then choose.”
“That’s a good idea. I was raised here, but I tried both worlds. Then I chose.” A tightening feeling constricted her when she was reminded of what pain her choice would soon bring.
She would lose Isaac again.
“What did you choose? The Englisher life?”
“Yes. So I can keep on helping people like you,” Liv told her, giving a small smile.
“Seems like a good enough reason to me. I think I want to help people too. I’d like to be an author or counselor. I’ve read a lot of college-level books that my mother brought to me in secret. But I’d have to give up the Amish life to go to school and do that as a career.”
“My partner says sometimes doing something you really love is worth the sacrifices you have to make,” Liv said as they reached the officers. They took Ava away for questioning, leaving Liv and Isaac standing there in the moonlight.
“Are you going to leave now that the case is solved?” Isaac’s voice wavered.
Liv started walking with him toward the trees, away from all the bystanders and officers. “Isaac, you know I wouldn’t last a month here.”
He let out a breath of frustration. “I was hoping you’d fall in love with this place.”
“I have. I do love it here. I love all the people here. I just don’t belong here. I need to be out there, helping people, or else I’ll go insane. The Amish people are great and so unified, but the rules are just too constricting for me. I’m sorry, Isaac. Have you thought more about coming to live in the Englisher world?”
“Yes. But I’d hate to leave my family and my home and everything I know. I don’t think I’d ever fit in in your world. Isn’t there some way we can work something out so we are both happy?” Isaac persisted, grasping for some hope.
“The only way this will end is with both of us miserable.”
“But don’t you love me?” Isaac asked. “You really don’t think you could live here to be with me?”
Liv paused. If she left him behind knowing she loved him, he’d never move on. She had to face the truth—this would never work. Either one of them would be miserable or both. She couldn’t expect him to leave everything he loved behind just to be with her. He would be shunned, unable to talk to his family if he left. And her living here was just not an option.
“Isaac, I lied to you. The truth is, I just never loved you these past several days. This was all a part of my cover. I needed you to help me with the investigation, so I had to lead you on. I’m sorry.” She forced the words out in one fast, agonizing breath.
The truth was that she loved him so much she’d do anything for him, anything to protect him, even if that meant lying to him. She had to make this choice for him or else she knew he would spend his entire life asking himself what if?
“Come on, Liv. Are you serious?” He smiled at first, then it dropped off his face when he saw her grave expression. “Oh. You really are serious, aren’t you? You don’t…you don’t love me at all?”
“No. I’m sorry. I really don’t love you at all. Sorry I had to use you,” she stated emotionlessly, flatly, while sorrow and grief tore her apart inside. She masked her anguish with an indifferent face. Just by looking at him, she knew he was having a hard time even standing up. “If you must know, I am engaged to Officer Martin.”
“What? He didn’t mention that.” He grabbed the sides of his head as if he was about to rip his hair out. “You lied to me this entire time? Every look, the kiss, all the things we talked about? Do you even want to remain a Christian? Or was that phony too?” he demanded, tears falling onto his red cheeks, green eyes shimmering with sadness and a thousand unasked questions.
“Yes. It was all a lie. Thank you for all your help. I’m sorry, Mr. Troyer.” She used his last name for effect and walked away. Every step she took ripped an even bigger hole in her heart, scraping off little pieces of her soul. Sorrow weighed down on her like she was being crushed under a horse and buggy, almost crippling her.
I hope he finds happiness…and love. He deserves it.
She heard him begin to cry behind her, and she let her own tears fall.
But he would never know that she cried even one tear.
*
Liv didn’t sleep for a second during the rest of the night at the Mast farm. Finally, the sun crept up over the hill, but Liv covered her red eyes. She had sobbed the entire night, shaking and reliving the conversation she had had with Isaac.
She must have devastated him. Crushed him. But it had been necessary.
“I really don’t love you at all…”
A new wave of sobs came over her. She just couldn’t stop crying. But she would have to get over this sooner or later and get back to her job. Her time with him here had been a fantasy, unrealistic. Maybe the stress of her job had messed with her head, ruining her judgement. It was beyond clear that there was no future for them, and now all she wanted for him was to move on and forget about her. And he would, with time, and he would realize it had just been an infatuation.
Knowing it was time to face Aunt Mary, Uncle Gideon and Maria, anxiety added to her sorrow. She packed up her few things and carried her bag downstairs. After her relatives said goodbye to her and she left, she would be shunned and they would no longer be allowed to speak to her or else they would be shunned themsel
ves. The bishop and elders had graciously granted them one final goodbye as a thank you to Liv for stopping the killer.
Aunt Mary turned from the stove to face her, and Maria stopped setting the table. Uncle Gideon came into the kitchen. They all looked at her, not saying a word, looking terribly awkward.
“I’m so sorry… I wish I could have told you. I hope you understand I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone,” she blurted.
Maria and Aunt Mary rushed to her, Uncle Gideon following.
“We know, Olivia. We are just—” Aunt Mary choked up with tears, and her voice cracked. “We’re so sad to see you go after thinking you had come back for good. Won’t you please reconsider staying and repenting before the church?”
“I couldn’t possibly stay. I belong out there. I love my job. I can’t be Amish again. It’s just not for me.”
Once again Liv thought of Miranda, the last person she had helped by doing her job before returning to the community. She remembered the hope she had seen in her eyes, the way it felt to put away the horrible man who had kidnapped the child.
She knew her purpose in life was to lock up people like that and make Maine a safer place, little by little.
Maria wrapped her arms around her cousin and whispered into her ear, “We will miss you so much.”
Liv teared up herself and swatted the tears away. “Stop it. You’re going to make me cry.” Then she heard a sniff behind her and turned to see Uncle Gideon with tears streaming down his face.
“Oh, Liv…”
She ran into his open arms. He held her for several minutes. “If you ever want to come back and truthfully become Amish again, you know you are welcome. If you ever decide to just ask the church for forgiveness and rejoin the faith, you know you would no longer be shunned.”
Liv sniffed, wiping her face. “I know, but I really can’t. I need to go back to my life and career. I don’t deserve you guys. You’ve done so much for me and all I did was lie to you. I don’t even know how to thank you.”
“You caught the criminals plaguing our community. That’s more than enough of a thank you,” Maria said, and her aunt and uncle nodded.
“We are proud of you, Liv,” Aunt Mary said, holding Liv’s face. “You were so brave to leave and follow your dreams. You are so good at your job, and you help so many people. That’s more than any of us can do.”
“You all do amazing things, too.” Liv blushed. “There’s no way I could have lived the life of hard work that you do. I mean, you have your own business and your own gardens and you build barns in one day.”
“All work is good when done for the Lord,” Uncle Gideon told her. “And you will stay Christian, we hope?”
“Yes, of course. I actually want to get much closer to God. I ignored Him for a long time, but that is over now.”
“Good. That is all that really matters. Now, come sit and eat breakfast before it gets cold.” Aunt Mary wiped her hands on her apron.
They gathered at the table and Uncle Gideon prayed, but Liv only picked at her oatmeal and eggs. Her thoughts kept on returning to Isaac. Had he slept last night? Could he eat?
“What is it, Liv?” Aunt Mary asked, reaching for her hand.
“I’m so sad about Isaac. It would never have worked, but still.” Liv wiped away another tear, her throat tightening at the mention of his name.
Uncle Gideon grabbed her other hand and gently squeezed it, and his rough and cracked skin from years of hard work felt more comforting than any fine silk or cashmere. “If you are meant to be together, it will happen. Maybe God has a plan for you two if you truly love each other.”
“Sometimes true love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.” Liv sighed. Uncle Gideon rubbed her hand gently.
“But true love conquers all,” Maria said wistfully, a hopeless romantic.
Maria lived a sheltered life compared to the evil, horrific things Liv saw consistently, but she didn’t say so. She looked at Maria. “Not always. We’d need a miracle for Isaac and me to end up together.”
*
“Isaac? Isaac.”
Isaac picked up his head after just resting his eyes for a moment.
“What are you doing? This order for the Millers is due tomorrow. We have to pick up the pace if we want to deliver it on time. Every time I look over at you, you look half asleep.” Gideon inspected Isaac’s half-sanded set of cabinets. Then his face softened. “You do look really tired.”
“Well, I don’t sleep much anymore.” Isaac began to sand the wood again. His heart felt as heavy as these cabinets. He hadn’t slept much at all since Liv left. How could she have lied to him that whole time? How could he have been so blind?
Even after how she had hurt him and lied to him, he still missed her. Still loved her, even though she didn’t love him. That was the worst part.
Anna had wasted no time in trying to win Isaac back, but every time she tried talking to him, all he could think about was Liv. He wondered if he would ever get over her.
After she had left, he had repented before the church about buying and using the pistol. He had not been shunned, but he felt as though he had been in a little bubble of isolation ever since Liv had left. Depression had begun to slink into his life, and he found himself avoiding people and being more withdrawn.
“Look, even though it has been two months since Olivia left, we all still miss her. But it’s time to move on.” Gideon lowered his voice. “You both told me you each knew it wouldn’t work out.”
“I know. I just keep thinking about her.” Isaac dropped his hands.
“We all think about her. Just try not to let it affect your work. Okay?” Gideon gave him a concerned glance.
“You’re right,” Isaac said, focusing back on his job.
Gideon nodded and left him alone. A few minutes later, exhaustion took over Isaac. His eyes began to close. All he wanted to do was sleep, but every time he tried, all he saw was Liv’s face. If he could close his eyes just for a minute he’d be fine.
“Isaac!”
Isaac snapped back to attention. He had fallen into a deep sleep, slumped over his work station.
“I’m so sorry, Gideon. I’m really not myself.” He felt his face heat in embarrassment and shook his head at himself.
Gideon took the sander from him gently. “You should go home and get some rest so you can come in ready to go tomorrow. I’ll have the guys finish this up. Okay?”
Isaac sighed. “Thank you. See you tomorrow.” He picked himself up, grabbed his lunch bag and headed out the door.
The whole walk home he chided himself for how irresponsible he had been. He hadn’t been the same since Liv had left. He had overslept twice, since he barely slept at night, and had been nodding off at work. He had mixed up an order, and one time even wore a shirt inside out. It was as if Liv had not only stolen his heart, but his brain as well.
Off in the distance, he saw Maria walking home with a few bags of groceries. It would be out of his way for him to help her carry them home, but he didn’t mind at all.
“Hey, Maria,” he called, waving.
“Hi!” she said, staggering under the weight of the grocery bags. She walked up to him and looked at him more closely. “Wow, Isaac. You look awful.” Suddenly she blushed. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”
He held up a hand. “No, you’re right. Your dad said the same thing, basically.” He took more than half the bags from her. “Let me help you carry these home.”
“You sure?”
“Definitely.” He began walking with her towards the Mast farm. For a moment it was an awkward silence, then he asked the question they were both thinking.
“Heard from Liv?” he asked softly.
“Yeah. She wrote us a letter. I wish we could speak to her, but she’s doing well.” She gave him a sidelong glance. “She hasn’t written to you or anything?”
“No. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never spoke to me again, after the way she lied to me that whole time.”
“No, she lied to me the most, making me think she loved me when it was all for her cover. I mean, I understand why she had to—”
“Wait, what?” Maria shouted, dropping all her bags on the ground with a thud.
Isaac stopped and looked at the bags crumpled on the grass, frowning. “I hope there weren’t eggs in those bags.”
“Isaac! She must have lied to you!” Maria cried, grabbing his sleeves.
“I know. I just said that.”
“No! No. She lied to you when she told you she doesn’t love you.”
“What?” A small glimmer of hope inside him lit like a burning ember.
“The morning she left, she was miserable! She knew it wouldn’t work between you and her, but it was obvious that she is in love with you,” Maria told him, shaking him. “And trust me, I know my own cousin. She probably told you she didn’t love you so you’d forget about her and move on with your life. She said it would take a miracle for you two to end up together.”
“Wait. She told me she is engaged to Officer Martin.”
“No!” Maria laughed, stomping her foot. “She is such a little lying badger! I know she did this because she thought it was the right thing to do. Because she loves you!”
Isaac dropped his own bags and his hands flew up to his face. Could this be true? Did Liv really love him after all? Joy like electricity filled him, and for the first time in two months he felt happy. Hope filled him like air filled a newborn’s lungs for the first time, bringing him to life.
“You have to talk to her,” Maria told him. “Give me those bags. We’re almost at my house anyway.” She yanked the groceries back from him.