by T. Smollett
CHAPTER FIVE
IN WHICH THIS RECAPITULATION DRAWS TO A CLOSE.
When the landlady entered the room from whence the groaning proceeded,she found the squire lying on his back, under the dominion of thenightmare, which rode him so hard that he not only groaned and snorted,but the sweat ran down his face in streams. The perturbation of hisbrain, occasioned by this pressure, and the fright he had latelyundergone, gave rise to a very terrible dream, in which he fanciedhimself apprehended for a robbery. The horror of the gallows was strongupon him, when he was suddenly awaked by a violent shock from the doctor;and the company broke in upon his view, still perverted by fear, andbedimmed by slumber. His dream was now realised by a full persuasionthat he was surrounded by the constable and his gang. The first objectthat presented itself to his disordered view was the figure of Ferret,who might very well have passed for the finisher of the law; against him,therefore, the first effort of his despair was directed. He started uponthe floor, and seizing a certain utensil, that shall be nameless,launched it at the misanthrope with such violence, that had he notcautiously slipt his head aside, it is supposed that actual fire wouldhave been produced from the collision of two such hard and solidsubstances. All future mischief was prevented by the strength andagility of Captain Crowe, who, springing upon the assailant, pinioned hisarms to his sides, crying, "O, d--n ye, if you are for running a-head,I'll soon bring you to your bearings."
The squire, thus restrained, soon recollected himself, and gazing uponevery individual in the apartment, "Wounds!" said he, "I've had an uglydream. I thought, for all the world, they were carrying me to Newgate,and that there was Jack Ketch coom to vetch me before my taim."
Ferret, who was the person he had thus distinguished, eyeing him with alook of the most emphatic malevolence, told him it was very natural for aknave to dream of Newgate; and that he hoped to see the day when hisdream would be found a true prophecy, and the commonwealth purged of allsuch rogues and vagabonds. But it could not be expected that the vulgarwould be honest and conscientious, while the great were distinguished byprofligacy and corruption. The squire was disposed to make a practicalreply to this insinuation, when Mr. Ferret prudently withdrew himselffrom the scene of altercation. The good woman of the house persuaded hisantagonist to take out his nap, assuring him that the eggs and bacon,with a mug of excellent ale, should be forthcoming in due season. Theaffair being thus fortunately adjusted, the guests returned to thekitchen, and Mr. Clarke resumed his story to this effect:--
"You'll please to take notice, gemmen, that, besides the instances I havealleged of Sir Launcelot's extravagant benevolence, I could recount agreat many others of the same nature, and particularly the laudablevengeance he took of a country lawyer. I'm sorry that any such miscreantshould belong to the profession. He was clerk of the assize, gemmen, ina certain town, not a great way distant; and having a blank pardon leftby the judges for some criminals whose cases were attended withfavourable circumstances, he would not insert the name of one who couldnot procure a guinea for the fee; and the poor fellow, who had only stolean hour-glass out of a shoemaker's window, was actually executed, after along respite, during which he had been permitted to go abroad, and earnhis subsistence by his daily labour.
"Sir Launcelot being informed of this barbarous act of avarice, andhaving some ground that bordered on the lawyer's estate, not onlyrendered him contemptible and infamous, by exposing him as often as theymet on the grand jury, but also, being vested with the property of thegreat tithe, proved such a troublesome neighbour, sometimes by makingwaste among his hay and corn, sometimes by instituting suits against himfor petty trespasses, that he was fairly obliged to quit his habitation,and remove into another part of the kingdom.
"All these avocations could not divert Sir Launcelot from the executionof a wild scheme, which has carried his extravagance to such a pitch thatI am afraid, if a statute--you understand me, gemmen--were sued, the jurywould--I don't choose to explain myself further on this circumstance. Bethat as it may, the servants at Greavesbury Hall were not a littleconfounded, when their master took down from the family armoury acomplete suit of armour, which belonged to his great-grandfather, SirMarmaduke Greaves, a great warrior, who lost his life in the service ofhis king. This armour being scoured, repaired, and altered, so as to fitSir Launcelot, a certain knight, whom I don't choose to name, because Ibelieve he cannot be proved compos mentis, came down, seemingly on avisit, with two attendants; and, on the evening of the festival of St.George, the armour being carried into the chapel. Sir Launcelot (Lordhave mercy upon us!) remained all night in that dismal place alone, andwithout light, though it was confidently reported all over the country,that the place was haunted by the spirit of his great-great-uncle, who,being lunatic, had cut his throat from ear to ear, and was found dead onthe communion table."
It was observed, that while Mr. Clarke rehearsed this circumstance hiseyes began to stare and his teeth to chatter; while Dolly, whose lookswere fixed invariably on this narrator, growing pale, and hitching herjoint-stool nearer the chimney, exclaimed, in a frightened tone,"Moother, moother, in the neame of God, look to 'un! how a quakes! as I'ma precious saoul, a looks as if a saw something." Tom forced a smile,and thus proceeded:--
"While Sir Launcelot tarried within the chapel, with the doors alllocked, the other knight stalked round and round it on the outside, withhis sword drawn, to the terror of divers persons who were present at theceremony. As soon as day broke he opened one of the doors, and going into Sir Launcelot, read a book for some time, which we did suppose to bethe constitutions of knight-errantry. Then we heard a loud slap, whichechoed through the whole chapel, and the stranger pronounce, with anaudible and solemn voice, 'In the name of God, St. Michael, and St.George, I dub thee knight--be faithful, bold, and fortunate.' You cannotimagine, gemmen, what an effect this strange ceremony had upon the peoplewho were assembled. They gazed at one another in silent horror, and whenSir Launcelot came forth completely armed, took to their heels in a body,and fled with the utmost precipitation. I myself was overturned in thecrowd; and this was the case with that very individual person who nowserves him as squire. He was so frightened that he could not rise, butlay roaring in such a manner that the knight came up and gave him athwack with his lance across the shoulders, which roused him with avengeance. For my own part I freely own I was not unmoved at seeing sucha figure come stalking out of a church in the grey of the morning; for itrecalled to my remembrance the idea of the ghost in Hamlet, which I hadseen acted in Drury Lane, when I made my first trip to London, and I hadnot yet got rid of the impression.
"Sir Launcelot, attended by the other knight, proceeded to the stable,from whence, with his own hands, he drew forth one of his best horses, afine mettlesome sorrel, who had got blood in him, ornamented with richtrappings. In a trice, the two knights, and the other two strangers, whonow appeared to be trumpeters, were mounted. Sir Launcelot's armour waslacquered black; and on his shield was represented the moon in her firstquarter, with the motto, Impleat orbem. The trumpets having sounded acharge, the stranger pronounced with a loud voice, 'God preserve thisgallant knight in all his honourable achievements; and may he longcontinue to press the sides of his now adopted steed, which I denominateBronzomarte, hoping that he will rival in swiftness and spirit, Bayardo,Brigliadoro, or any other steed of past or present chivalry!' Afteranother flourish of the trumpets, all four clapped spurs to their horses,Sir Launcelot couching his lance, and galloped to and fro, as if they hadbeen mad, to the terror and astonishment of all the spectators.
"What should have induced our knight to choose this here man for hissquire, is not easy to determine; for, of all the servants about thehouse, he was the least likely either to please his master, or engage insuch an undertaking. His name is Timothy Crabshaw, and he acted in thecapacity of whipper-in to Sir Everhard. He afterwards married thedaughter of a poor cottager, by whom he has several children, and wasemployed about the house as a ploughman and cart
er. To be sure, thefellow has a dry sort of humour about him; but he was universally hatedamong the servants, for his abusive tongue and perverse disposition,which often brought him into trouble; for, though the fellow is as strongas an elephant, he has no more courage naturally than a chicken; I saynaturally, because, since his being a member of knight-errantry, he hasdone some things that appear altogether incredible and preternatural.
"Timothy kept such a bawling, after he had received the blow from SirLauncelot, that everybody on the field thought that some of his boneswere broken; and his wife, with five bantlings, came snivelling to theknight, who ordered her to send the husband directly to his house. Timaccordingly went thither, groaning piteously all the way, creeping along,with his body bent like a Greenland canoe. As soon as he entered thecourt, the outward door was shut; and Sir Launcelot coming downstairswith a horsewhip in his hand, asked what was the matter with him that hecomplained so dismally? To this question he replied, that it was ascommon as duck-weed in his country for a man to complain when his boneswere broke. 'What should have broke your bones?' said the knight. 'Icannot guess,' answered the other, 'unless it was that delicate switchthat your honour in your mad pranks handled so dexterously upon mycarcass.' Sir Launcelot then told him, there was nothing so good for abruise, as a sweat; and he had the remedy in his hand. Timothy, eyeingthe horsewhip askance, observed that there was another still more speedy,to wit, a moderate pill of lead, with a sufficient dose of gunpowder.'No, rascal,' cried the knight; 'that must be reserved for your betters.'So saying, he employed the instrument so effectually, that Crabshaw soonforgot his fractured ribs, and capered about with great agility.
"When he had been disciplined in this manner to some purpose, the knighttold him he might retire, but ordered him to return next morning, when heshould have a repetition of the medicine, provided he did not findhimself capable of walking in an erect posture.
"The gate was no sooner thrown open, than Timothy ran home with all thespeed of a greyhound, and corrected his wife, by whose advice he hadpretended to be so grievously damaged in his person.
"Nobody dreamed that he would next day present himself at GreavesburyHall; nevertheless, he was there very early in the morning, and evencloseted a whole hour altogether with Sir Launcelot. He came out, makingwry faces, and several times slapped himself on the forehead, crying,'Bodikins! thof he be crazy, I an't, that I an't?' When he was askedwhat was the matter, he said, he believed the devil had got in him, andhe should never be his own man again.
"That same day the knight carried him to Ashenton, where he bespoke thoseaccoutrements which he now wears; and while these were making, it wasthought the poor fellow would have run distracted. He did nothing butgrowl, and curse and swear to himself, run backwards and forwards betweenhis own hut and Greavesbury Hall, and quarrel with the horses in thestable. At length, his wife and family were removed into a snugfarmhouse, that happened to be empty, and care taken that they should becomfortably maintained.
"These precautions being taken, the knight, one morning, at daybreak,mounted Bronzomarte, and Crabshaw, as his squire, ascended the back of aclumsy cart-horse, called Gilbert. This, again, was looked upon as aninstance of insanity in the said Crabshaw; for, of all the horses in thestable, Gilbert was the most stubborn and vicious, and had often like tohave done mischief to Timothy while he drove the cart and plough. Whenhe was out of humour, he would kick and plunge as if the devil was inhim. He once thrust Crabshaw into the middle of a quick-set hedge, wherehe was terribly torn; another time he canted him over his head into aquagmire, where he stuck with his heels up, and must have perished, ifpeople had not been passing that way; a third time he seized him in thestable with his teeth by the rim of the belly, and swung him off theground, to the great danger of his life; and I'll be hanged, if it wasnot owing to Gilbert, that Crabshaw was now thrown into the river.
"Thus mounted and accoutred, the knight and his squire set out on theirfirst excursion. They turned off from the common highway, and travelledall that day without meeting anything worthy recounting; but, in themorning of the second day, they were favoured with an adventure. Thehunt was upon a common through which they travelled, and the hounds werein full cry after a fox, when Crabshaw, prompted by his own mischievousdisposition, and neglecting the order of his master, who called aloud tohim to desist, rode up to the hounds, and crossed them at full gallop.The huntsman, who was not far off, running towards the squire, bestowedupon his head such a memento with his pole, as made the landscape dancebefore his eyes; and, in a twinkling he was surrounded by all thefox-hunters, who plied their whips about his ears with infinite agility.Sir Launcelot, advancing at an easy pace, instead of assisting thedisastrous squire, exhorted his adversaries to punish him severely forhis insolence, and they were not slow in obeying this injunction.Crabshaw, finding himself in this disagreeable situation, and that therewas no succour to be expected from his master, on whose prowess he haddepended, grew desperate, and, clubbing his whip, laid about him withgreat fury, wheeling about Gilbert, who was not idle; for he, havingreceived some of the favours intended for his rider, both bit with histeeth and kicked with his heels; and, at last, made his way through thering that encircled him, though not before he had broke the huntsman'sleg, lamed one of the best horses on the field, and killed half a scoreof the hounds.
"Crabshaw, seeing himself clear of the fray, did not tarry to take leaveof his master, but made the most of his way to Greavesbury Hall, where heappeared hardly with any vestige of the human countenance, so much had hebeen defaced in this adventure. He did not fail to raise a great clamouragainst Sir Launcelot, whom he cursed as a coward in plain terms,swearing he would never serve him another day. But whether he alteredhis mind on cooler reflection, or was lectured by his wife, who wellunderstood her own interest, he rose with the cock, and went again inquest of Sir Launcelot, whom he found on the eve of a very hazardousenterprise.
"In the midst of a lane, the knight happened to meet with a party ofabout forty recruits, commanded by a serjeant, a corporal, and a drummer,which last had his drum slung at his back; but seeing such a strangefigure mounted on a high-spirited horse, he was seized with aninclination to divert his company. With this view, he braced his drum,and, hanging it in its proper position, began to beat a point of war,advancing under the very nose of Bronzomarte; while the corporalexclaimed, 'D--n my eyes, who have we got here?--old King Stephen, fromthe horse armoury in the Tower, or the fellow that rides armed at my LordMayor's show?' The knight's steed seemed, at least, as well pleased withthe sound of the drum, as were the recruits that followed it; andsignified his satisfaction in some curvetings and caprioles, which didnot at all discompose the rider, who, addressing himself to the serjeant,'Friend,' said he, 'you ought to teach your drummer better manners. Iwould chastise the fellow on the spot for his insolence, were it not outof the respect I bear to his majesty's service.' 'Respect mine a--!'cried this ferocious commander; what, d'ye think to frighten us with yourpewter piss-pot on your skull, and your lacquered pot-lid on your arm?Get out of the way, and be d--ned, or I'll raise with my halbert such aclatter upon your target, that you'll remember it the longest day youhave to live.' At that instant, Crabshaw arriving upon Gilbert, 'So,rascal,' said Sir Launcelot, 'you are returned. Go and beat in thatscoundrel's drum-head.'
"The squire, who saw no weapons of offence about the drummer but a sword,which he hoped the owner durst not draw, and being resolved to exerthimself in making atonement for his desertion, advanced to execute hismaster's orders; but Gilbert, who liked not the noise, refused to proceedin the ordinary way. Then the squire, turning his tail to the drummer,he advanced in a retrograde motion, and with one kick of his heels, notonly broke the drum into a thousand pieces, but laid the drummer in themire, with such a blow upon his hip-bone, that he halted all the days ofhis life. The recruits, perceiving the discomfiture of their leader,armed themselves with stones; the serjeant raised his halbert in aposture of defence, and immediately a s
evere action ensued. By thistime, Crabshaw had drawn his sword, and begun to lay about him like adevil incarnate; but, in a little time, he was saluted by a volley ofstones, one of which knocked out two of his grinders, and brought him tothe earth, where he had like to have found no quarter; for the wholecompany crowded about him, with their cudgels brandished; and perhaps heowed his preservation to their pressing so hard that they hindered oneanother from using their weapons.
"Sir Launcelot, seeing with indignation the unworthy treatment his squirehad received, and scorning to stain his lance with the blood ofplebeians, instead of couching it at the rest, seized it by the middle,and fetching one blow at the serjeant, broke in twain the halbert whichhe had raised as a quarter-staff for his defence. The second strokeencountered his pate, which being the hardest part about him, sustainedthe shock without damage; but the third, lighting on his ribs, hehonoured the giver with immediate prostration. The general being thusoverthrown, Sir Launcelot advanced to the relief of Crabshaw, and handledhis weapon so effectually, that the whole body of the enemy were disabledor routed, before one cudgel had touched the carcass of the fallensquire. As for the corporal, instead of standing by his commandingofficer, he had overleaped the hedge, and run to the constable of anadjoining village for assistance. Accordingly, before Crabshaw could beproperly remounted, the peace officer arrived with his posse; and by thecorporal was charged with Sir Launcelot and his squire, as twohighwaymen. The constable, astonished at the martial figure of theknight, and intimidated at sight of the havoc he had made, contentedhimself with standing at a distance, displaying the badge of his office,and reminding the knight that he represented his majesty's person.
"Sir Launcelot, seeing the poor man in great agitation, assured him thathis design was to enforce, not violate the laws of his country; and thathe and his squire would attend him to the next justice of peace; but, inthe meantime, he, in his turn, charged the peace officer with theserjeant and drummer, who had begun the fray.
"The justice had been a pettifogger, and was a sycophant to a nobleman inthe neighbourhood, who had a post at court. He therefore thought heshould oblige his patron, by showing his respect for the military; buttreated our knight with the most boorish insolence; and refused to admithim into his house, until he had surrendered all his weapons of offenceto the constable. Sir Launcelot and his squire being found theaggressors, the justice insisted upon making out their mittimus, if theydid not find bail immediately; and could hardly be prevailed upon toagree that they should remain at the house of the constable, who, being apublican, undertook to keep them in safe custody, until the knight couldwrite to his steward. Meanwhile he was bound over to the peace; and theserjeant with his drummer were told they had a good action against himfor assault and battery, either by information or indictment.
"They were not, however, so fond of the law as the justice seemed to be.Their sentiments had taken a turn in favour of Sir Launcelot, during thecourse of his examination, by which it appeared that he was really agentleman of fashion and fortune; and they resolved to compromise theaffair without the intervention of his worship. Accordingly, theserjeant repaired to the constable's house, where the knight was lodged;and humbled himself before his honour, protesting with many oaths, that,if he had known his quality, he would have beaten the drummer's brainsabout his ears, for presuming to give his honour or his horse the leastdisturbance; thof the fellow, he believed, was sufficiently punished inbeing a cripple for life.
"Sir Launcelot admitted of his apologies; and taking compassion on thefellow who had suffered so severely for his folly, resolved to providefor his maintenance. Upon the representation of the parties to thejustice, the warrant was next day discharged; and the knight returned tohis own house, attended by the serjeant and the drummer mounted onhorseback, the recruits being left to the corporal's charge.
"The halberdier found the good effects of Sir Launcelot's liberality; andhis companion being rendered unfit for his majesty's service, by theheels of Gilbert, is now entertained at Greavesbury Hall, where he willprobably remain for life.
"As for Crabshaw, his master gave him to understand, that if he did notthink him pretty well chastised for his presumption and flight, by thediscipline he had undergone in the last two adventures, he would turn himout of his service with disgrace. Timothy said he believed it would bethe greatest favour he could do him to turn him out of a service in whichhe knew he should be rib-roasted every day, and murdered at last.
"In this situation were things at Greavesbury Hall about a month ago,when I crossed the country to Ferrybridge, where I met my uncle.Probably, this is the first incident of their second excursion; for thedistance between this here house and Sir Launcelot's estate does notexceed fourscore or ninety miles."