by T. Smollett
CHAPTER TEN
WHICH SHOWETH THAT HE WHO PLAYS AT BOWLS, WILL SOMETIMES MEET WITHRUBBERS.
Sir Launcelot, boiling with indignation at the venality and faction ofthe electors, whom he had harangued to so little purpose, retired withthe most deliberate disdain towards one of the gates of the town, on theoutside of which his curiosity was attracted by a concourse of people, inthe midst of whom stood Mr. Ferret, mounted upon a stool, with a kind ofsatchel hanging round his neck, and a phial displayed in his right hand,while he held forth to the audience in a very vehement strain ofelocution.
Crabshaw thought himself happily delivered when he reached the suburbs,and proceeded without halting; but his master mingled with the crowd, andheard the orator express himself to this effect:--
"Very likely you may undervalue me and my medicine, because I don'tappear upon a stage of rotten boards, in a shabby velvet coat, andtie-periwig, with a foolish fellow in a motley coat, to make you laugh,by making wry faces; but I scorn to use these dirty arts for engagingyour attention. These paltry tricks, ad captandum vulgus, can have noeffect but on idiots; and if you are idiots, I don't desire you shouldbe my customers. Take notice, I don't address you in the style of amountebank, or a High German doctor; and yet the kingdom is full ofmountebanks, empirics, and quacks. We have quacks in religion, quacksin physic, quacks in law, quacks in politics, quacks in patriotism,quacks in government--High German quacks, that have blistered, sweated,bled, and purged the nation into an atrophy. But this is not all;they have not only evacuated her into a consumption, but they haveintoxicated her brain, until she is become delirious; she can no longerpursue her own interest, or, indeed, rightly distinguish it. Like thepeople of Nineveh, she can hardly tell her right hand from her left;but, as a changeling, is dazzled and delighted by an ignis fatuus, aWill-o'-the-wisp, an exhalation from the vilest materials in nature, thatleads her astray through Westphalian bogs and deserts, and will one daybreak her neck over some barren rocks, or leave her sticking in someH----n pit, or quagmire.
"For my part, if you have a mind to betray your country, I have noobjection. In selling yourselves and your fellow-citizens, you onlydispose of a pack of rascals who deserve to be sold. If you sell oneanother, why should not I sell this here Elixir of Long Life, which, ifproperly used, will protract your days till you shall have seen yourcountry ruined. I shall not pretend to disturb your understandings,which are none of the strongest, with a hotchpotch of unintelligibleterms, such as Aristotle's four principles of generation, unformedmatter, privation, efficient, and final causes. Aristotle was a pedanticblockhead, and still more knave than fool. The same censure we maysafely put on that wiseacre, Dioscorides, with his faculties of simples--his seminal, specific, and principal virtues; and that crazy commentator,Galen, with his four elements, elementary qualities, his eightcomplexions, his harmonies and discords. Nor shall I expatiate on thealkahest of that mad scoundrel, Paracelsus, with which he pretended toreduce flints into salt; nor archaeus or spiritus rector of thatvisionary Van Helmont, his simple, elementary water, his gas, ferments,and transmutations; nor shall I enlarge upon the salt, sulphur, and oil,the acidum vagum, the mercury of metals, and the volatilised vitriol ofother modern chemists, a pack of ignorant, conceited, knavish rascals,that puzzle your weak heads with such jargon, just as a Germanisedm----r throws dust in your eyes, by lugging in and ringing the changes onthe balance of power, the Protestant religion, and your allies on thecontinent; acting like the juggler, who picks your pockets while hedazzles your eyes and amuses your fancy with twirling his fingers andreciting the gibberish of hocus pocus; for, in fact, the balance of poweris a mere chimera. As for the Protestant religion, nobody gives himselfany trouble about it; and allies on the continent, we have none, or, atleast, none that would raise an hundred men to save us from perdition,unless we paid an extravagant price for their assistance.
"But, to return to this here Elixir of Long Life, I might embellish itwith a great many high-sounding epithets; but I disdain to follow theexample of every illiterate vagabond, that, from idleness, turns quack,and advertises his nostrum in the public papers. I am neither afelonious drysalter returned from exile, an hospital stump-turner, adecayed staymaker, a bankrupt printer, or insolvent debtor, released byact of parliament. I do not pretend to administer medicines without theleast tincture of letters, or suborn wretches to perjure themselves infalse affidavits of cures that were never performed; nor employ a set ofled captains to harangue in my praise at all public places. I was bredregularly to the profession of chemistry, and have tried all theprocesses of alchemy; and I may venture to say, that this here elixiris, in fact, the chruseon pepuromenon ek puros, the visible, glorious,spiritual body, from whence all other beings derive their existence, asproceeding from their father the sun, and their mother the moon; fromthe sun, as from a living and spiritual gold, which is mere fire;consequently, the common and universal first-created mover, from whenceall moveable things have their distinct and particular motions; and alsofrom the moon, as from the wife of the sun, and the common mother of allsublunary things.
"And forasmuch as man is, and must be, the comprehensive end of allcreatures, and the microcosm, he is counselled in the Revelation to buygold that is thoroughly fired, or rather pure fire, that he may becomerich and like the sun; as, on the contrary, he becomes poor, when heabuses the arsenical poison; so that, his silver, by the fire, must becalcined to a caput mortuum, which happens when he will hold and retainthe menstruum, out of which he partly exists, for his own property, anddoth not daily offer up the same in the fire of the sun, that the womanmay be clothed with the sun, and become a sun, and thereby rule over themoon; that is to say, that he may get the moon under his feet. Now, thishere elixir, sold for no more than sixpence a phial, contains the essenceof the alkahest, the archaeus, the catholicon, the menstruum, the sun,the moon, and, to sum up all in one word, is the true, genuine,unadulterated, unchangeable, immaculate, and specific chruseonpepuromenon ek puros."
The audience were variously affected by this learned oration. Some ofthose who favoured the pretensions of the Whig candidate, were ofopinion, that he ought to be punished for his presumption, in reflectingso scurrilously on ministers and measures. Of this sentiment was ouradventurer, though he could not help admiring the courage of the orator,and owning within himself, that he had mixed some melancholy truths withhis scurrility.
Mr. Ferret would not have stood so long in his rostrum unmolested, hadnot he cunningly chosen his station immediately without the jurisdictionof the town, whose magistrates therefore could not take cognisance of hisconduct; but application was made to the constable of the other parish,while our nostrum-monger proceeded in his speech, the conclusion of whichproduced such an effect upon his hearers, that his whole cargo wasimmediately exhausted. He had just stepped down from his stool, when theconstable with his staff arrived, and took him under his guidance. Mr.Ferret, on this occasion, attempted to interest the people in his behalf,by exhorting them to vindicate the liberty of the subject against such anact of oppression; but finding them deaf to the tropes and figures of hiselocution, he addressed himself to our knight, reminding him of his dutyto protect the helpless and the injured, and earnestly soliciting hisinterposition.
Sir Launcelot, without making the least reply to his entreaties, resolvedto see the end of this adventure; and, being joined by his squire,followed the prisoner at a distance, measuring back the ground he hadtravelled the day before, until he reached another small borough, whereFerret was housed in the common prison.
While he sat a-horseback, deliberating on the next step he should take,he was accosted by the voice of Tom Clarke, who called, in a whimperingtone, through a window grated with iron, "For the love of God, SirLauncelot, do, dear sir, be so good as to take the trouble to alight, andcome upstairs; I have something to communicate, of consequence to thecommunity in general, and you in particular. Pray do, dear Sir Knight.I beg a boon in the name of St. Michael and St. George for En
gland."
Our adventurer, not a little surprised at this address, dismountedwithout hesitation, and, being admitted to the common jail, there foundnot only his old friend Tom, but also the uncle, sitting on a bench, witha woollen night-cap on his head, and a pair of spectacles on his nose,reading very earnestly in a book, which he afterwards understood wasentitled, The Life and Adventures of Valentine and Orson. The captain nosooner saw his great pattern enter, than he rose, and received him withthe salutation of, "What cheer, brother?" and before the knight couldanswer, added these words: "You see how the land lies--here have Tom andI been fast ashore these four-and-twenty hours; and this berth we havegot by attempting to tow your galley, brother, from the enemy's harbour.Adds bobs! if we had this here fellow w---eson for a consort, with allour tackle in order, brother, we'd soon show 'em the topsail, slip ourcable, and down with their barricadoes. But, howsomever, it don'tsignify talking--patience is a good stream-anchor, and will hold, as thesaying is--but, d--n my--as for the matter of my boltsprit.--Harkye,harkye, brother, d--ned hard to engage with three at a time, one upon mybow, one upon my quarter, and one right a-head, rubbing and drubbing,lying athwart hawse, raking fore and aft, battering and grappling, andlashing and clashing--adds heart, brother; crash went the bolt-sprit--down came the round-top--up with the deadlights--I saw nothing but thestars at noon, lost the helm of my seven senses, and down I broached uponmy broadside."
As Mr. Clarke rightly conceived that his uncle would need an interpreter,he began to explain these hints, by giving a circumstantial detail of hisown and the captain's disaster.
He told Sir Launcelot, that, notwithstanding all his persuasion andremonstrances, Captain Crowe insisted upon appearing in the character ofa knight errant; and, with that view, had set out from the public-houseon the morning that succeeded his vigil in the church. That upon thehighway they had met with a coach, containing two ladies, one of whomseemed to be under great agitation; for, as they passed, she struggledwith the other, thrust out her head at the window, and said somethingwhich he could not distinctly hear. That Captain Crowe was struck withadmiration of her unequalled beauty; and he, Tom, no sooner informed himwho she was, than he resolved to set her at liberty, on the suppositionthat she was under restraint, and in distress. That he accordinglyunsheathed his cutlass, and, riding after the coach, commanded the driverto bring to, on pain of death. That one of the servants, believing thecaptain to be a highwayman, presented a blunderbuss, and in allprobability would have shot him on the spot, had not he, the nephew, rodeup, and assured them the gentleman was non compos. That, notwithstandinghis intimation, all the three attacked him with the butt-ends of theirhorsewhips, while the coach drove on, and although he laid about him withgreat fury, at last brought him to the ground, by a stroke on the temple.That Mr. Clarke himself then interposed in defence of his kinsman, andwas also severely beaten. That two of the servants, upon application toa justice of the peace, residing near the field of battle, had granted awarrant against the captain and his nephew, and, without examination,committed them as idle vagrants, after having seized their horses andtheir money, on pretence of their being suspected for highwaymen.
"But, as there was no just cause of suspicion," added he, "I am ofopinion, the justice is guilty of a trespass, and may be sued for falsumimprisonamentum, and considerable damages obtained; for you will pleaseto observe, sir, no justice has a right to commit any person till afterdue examination; besides, we were not committed for an assault andbattery, audita querela, nor as wandering lunatics by the statute, who,to be sure, may be apprehended by a justice's warrant, and locked up andchained, if necessary, or to be sent to their last legal settlement; butwe were committed as vagrants and suspected highwaymen. Now we do notfall under the description of vagrants; nor did any circumstance appearto support the suspicion of robbery; for, to constitute robbery, theremust be something taken; but here nothing was taken but blows, and theywere upon compulsion. Even an attempt to rob, without any taking, is notfelony, but a misdemeanour. To be sure, there is a taking in deed, and ataking in law. But still the robber must be in possession of a thingstolen; and we attempted to steal ourselves away. My uncle, indeed,would have released the young lady vi et armis, had his strength beenequal to his inclination; and in so doing, I would have willingly lent myassistance, both from a desire to serve such a beautiful young creature,and also in regard to your honour, for I thought I heard her call uponyour name."
"Ha! how! what! whose name? say, speak--Heaven and earth!" cried theknight, with marks of the most violent emotion.--Clarke, terrified at hislooks, replied, "I beg your pardon a thousand times; I did not saypositively she did speak those words; but I apprehended she did speakthem. Words, which may be taken or interpreted by law in a general orcommon sense, ought not to receive a strained or unusual construction;and ambiguous words"--"Speak, or be dumb for ever!" exclaimed SirLauncelot, in a terrific tone, laying his hand on his sword. "What younglady, ha? What name did she call upon?"--Clarke, falling on his knees,answered, not without stammering, "Miss Aurelia Darnel; to the best of myrecollection, she called upon Sir Launcelot Greaves."--"Sacred powers!"cried our adventurer, "which way did the carriage proceed?"
When Tom told him that the coach quitted the post-road, and struck away tothe right at full speed, Sir Launcelot was seized with a pensive fit; hishead sunk upon his breast, and he mused in silence for several minutes,with the most melancholy expression on his countenance; then recollectinghimself, he assumed a more composed and cheerful air, and asked severalquestions with respect to the arms on the coach, and the liveries worn bythe servants? It was in the course of this interrogation, that hediscovered he had actually conversed with one of the footmen, who hadbrought back Crabshaw's horse. A circumstance that filled him withanxiety and chagrin, as he had omitted to inquire the name of his master,and the place to which the coach was travelling; though, in allprobability, had he made these inquiries, he would have received verylittle satisfaction, there being reason to think the servants wereenjoined secrecy.
The knight, in order to meditate on this unexpected adventure, sat downby his old friend, and entered into a reverie, which lasted about aquarter of an hour, and might have continued longer had it not beeninterrupted by the voice of Crabshaw, who bawled aloud, "Look to it, mymasters--as you brew you must drink--this shall be a dear day's work tosome of you; for my part, I say nothing--the braying ass eats littlegrass--one barber shaves not so close, but another finds a few stubble--you wanted to catch a capon, and you've stole a cat--he that takes up hislodgings in a stable, must be contented to lie upon litter."
The knight, desirous of knowing the cause that prompted Timothy toapothegmatise in this manner, looked through the grate, and perceived thesquire fairly set in the stocks, surrounded by a mob of people. When hecalled to him, and asked the reason of this disgraceful restraint,Crabshaw replied, "There's no cake, but there's another of the same make--who never climbed, never fell--after clouds comes clear weather. 'T isall along of your honour, I've met with this preferment; no deservings ofmy own, but the interest of my master. Sir Knight, if you will slay thejustice, hang the constable, release your squire, and burn the town, yourname will be famous in story; but, if you are content, I am thankful.Two hours are soon spent in such good company; in the meantime, look to'un, jailor, there's a frog in the stocks."
Sir Launcelot, incensed at this affront offered to his servant, advancedto the prison door, but found it fast locked; and when he called to theturnkey, he was given to understand, that he himself was prisoner.Enraged at this intimation, he demanded at whose suit, and was answeredthrough the wicket, "At the suit of the King, in whose name I will holdyou fast, with God's assistance."
The knight's looks now began to lighten; he rolled his eyes around; andsnatching up an oaken bench, which three ordinary men could scarce havelifted from the ground, he, in all likelihood, would have shattered thedoor in pieces, had not he been restrained by the interposition of Mr.Clarke, who entreat
ed him to have a little patience, assuring him hewould suggest a plan that would avenge himself amply on the justice,without any breach of the peace. "I say the justice," added Tom,"because it must be his doing. He is a little petulant sort of a fellow,ignorant of the law, guilty of numberless irregularities, and if properlymanaged, may, for this here act of arbitrary power, be not only cast in aswingeing sum, but even turned out of the commission with disgrace."
This was a very seasonable hint, in consequence of which the bench wassoftly replaced, and Captain Crowe deposited the poker, with which he hadarmed himself, to second the efforts of Sir Launcelot. They now, for thefirst time, perceived that Ferret had disappeared; and, upon inquiry,found that he was in fact the occasion of the knight's detention and thesquire's disgrace.