Once again, there were too many emotions lobbying for my attention. I just watched as John strolled out of my room just as he entered it. Still a mystery.
1st day home
Day #1
I slept…
2nd day home
Day #2
I cried, and slept some more…
Ch 01 What Next?
Depression is a hard experience to fathom, especially when you’re balls deep in it. There was nothing I could do to convince myself that getting back to a normal routine was better than rolling around in my bed. So I gave up trying. When I felt myself becoming too restless, I just popped a prescribed sleep aide and started the cycle all over again. Sleep, NetFlix, maybe I would shower, maybe I would eat. But for the most part, I just slept.
To Drew’s credit, he did his best to take care of me. He cooked, and had all my favorite movies picked out. The first couple of days felt like I was on a suicide watch, or some type of intervention. My normally carefree and fun loving brother tried to help lighten my spirits, but in the end he spent most of the time watching me, curled up under my blankets while he screened all the phone calls I was receiving. All I could do was thank him for being there for me, in between tears of guilt. Babysitting me had been his entire existence for the past two weeks, and he had a life to get back to.
That became all too real when his coach called informing Drew that despite his star player status on the football team, he could only miss so many practices and classes before he would have to be benched; school’s policy. They had been very lenient with him, understanding the situation, but rules were rules. Besides, there was no way he could play without practicing with the rest of the team. I hated to think that Drew could possibly jeopardize his future, so I convinced him to go home.
“But, what are you going to do?” He was understandably worried about leaving me alone.
“I’ll be fine. I need to figure some things out, and I can’t hide here forever. I was lucky to have you here, and honestly, I can’t think of anyone else I want around me right now.” I didn’t have to go into details about that statement. We had already discussed my disenchantment with Jackie and Aunt V, and how I felt about them keeping things from me. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault that I was attacked, but Drew was still fuming that she convinced him to leave me with Julian that night. We also discussed the story my aunt told me about the real details of our parental drama. For the first time in years, I saw tears in my brother’s eyes and we both reaffirmed that we could only really trust each other. It felt like a giant step back to square one.
After Drew left, I began to doubt my decision. Running away wasn’t the answer, but maybe I should have gone to Miami with him. Now I had to face reality without a filter. The numerous text messages and voicemails from Jackie, begging me to talk, to her were almost heart breaking; almost as bad as the calls from Julian and John. Donna called with nothing but support, well wishes and her love. I wished that I had more friends; real friends, not just family and ex-boyfriends who all felt the need to protect me by keeping things from me. Was I really that fragile that people felt I couldn’t handle the truth? I contemplated that thought as I crawled back under my covers. That night, I prayed for peace and the quick deliverance of sleep. I promised myself to cut back on the sleeping pills. I was depressed, I didn’t need to become a junkie too.
Well sleep didn’t happen. I tossed and turned, drifted in and out, but real deep sleep evaded me. I tortured myself by letting my thoughts get so far before I had to force myself to think of something else. I replayed the events of ‘that’ night up until I got into Julian’s jeep. I tried to change things, so that I didn’t have to remember the brutal ending. Then, I closed my eyes tight, and counted sheep. I finally gave up and headed down to my living room and turned on the AMC channel. At that point, I needed something far removed from my reality, and nothing was better than a black and white movie. Who the heck came up with the idea that sheep made you sleepy?
I picked up my cell, not even sure who I planned to call. I wouldn’t wake Donna this late, or call Jackie. She would just wind up coming over and harassing me. She didn’t have a laid-back bone in her body, and I wasn’t really feeling her at the moment. Drew was probably knocked out, and I felt bad enough that he had to deal with me all week. I scrolled past John’s name and my chest tightened with sadness and anger. I dropped the phone back into my lap, in defeat. Then it buzzed, almost making me jump out my skin.
Jules: Are u up?
Me: Can’t sleep
Jules: me either
Jules: are you ok?
I didn’t have to think about the answer.
Me: No. U?
Jules: No
My heart dropped a little at his response. Not that I expected him to be fine, but it hurt that we were both going through this.
Jules: Feel like company?
Me: Only if you watch black n whites
Jules: House rules?
Me: Yes. Lol
Jules: Ok. C u soon
I dropped the phone on the couch and began to pace the room. What was I doing? I didn’t want to be alone, but was Julian the right person to keep me company? I wanted to see him, had been thinking of him non-stop for days. His voice sounded so tortured in his messages. All the questions surrounding him, and us, and what happened to us, rutted in my chest. Ignoring him wasn’t going to make things any better, or explain what the hell happened.
In twenty minutes my buzzer went off. I confirmed it was Julian before granting access. He showed up to my door sporting his own pair of gray sweat pants that hung low on his hips, a matching gray hoodie with the Columbia College logo and a pair of grey leather Clae Strayhorn chukkas. Even dressed down, he had great style. I couldn’t help but admire his masculine prowess. Not even the images of the brutality that was inflicted upon him could take that away.
“Hey,” I greeted.
“Hey. I brought snacks.” He held up a sac of White Castles, with an unusually sheepish grin.
“Oh! Bless you!” Those little square murder-burgers where my late night weakness. And boy did they murder my tummy! Julian smiled and headed to the couch, placing our snacks on the coffee table so he could pull off his sweat shirt. My heart ached and twisted when I came face to face with the fading bruises on his arms. Ok, look away.
“I didn’t know you went to Columbia!” I blurted out.
“Oh, yeah. I was accepted into their Visual Arts program,” his answer was nonchalant. I don’t know why… I never saw him as the college type. Why did that thought seem so foreign to me? I mean, he was really smart so why didn’t I expect that he went to college? Because, you were a judgemental biddy when you met him.
What type did I see him as? Good question. That question hung in the air between us as he continued to settle in, setting up our late night feast. I realized that I had been standing there staring at him when his gaze met mine. A strange charge shot through me when I recognized the same loneliness and pain was also plaguing him. Julian lowered his eyes, patting the spot on the couch next to him. When I sat down, he gently placed an arm around me, pulling me into a soft hug. He didn’t speak, just handed me a mini burger and grabbed one for himself.
We chilled, pigging out and watching TV. I wound up eating five mini burgers and an order of mozzarella sticks. Now I was stuffed, and draped out on the couch, my legs stretched across Julian’s while we watched The Big Sleep. I’d seen this once before, with my grandmother, and I remember her saying how much she loved it. I was shocked to see that he seemed to be enjoying the movie.
It should have been more awkward for Julian to be here, and maybe it would have been had I not needed the company so badly. Despite the ordeal that we had been through I felt comfortable with him here. Safe. Had too many blows to the head rendered me insane? Could be. There seemed to be this unspoken understanding between us. We both needed some semblance of normal, even if it meant abnormal behavior between us. There wasn’t any flirting and even the
overpowering sexual tension that always flowed between us was muted. Instead, we shared a comforting silence.
At some point I must have nodded off, because I woke up to the annoying tingle of an arm that had fallen asleep due to being bent in backwards under the weight of Julian’s head. He was sleeping with his feet stretched out in front of him, and his back leaning against me. I tried to slowly snake my arm out from underneath him without disturbing his sleep, but just as I was almost home free, his eyes popped open shooting green daggers at me. I froze under the severity of his gaze, waiting for a glimmer of recognition. After a few tense moments of me holding my breath, he blinked a few times and then visibly relaxed. Jesus! That made me want to cry. EVERYTHING makes me want to cry...
Julian sat up, allowing me to reclaim my arm, and I smiled sheepishly as I massaged it back to life.
“Wow, I don’t even remember when I fell asleep,” I admitted.
“Probably about the time you began to snore,” he teased.
“I do not snore!” Did I?
“Si, mamita, and loudly.”
I just rolled my eyes, watching as he stretched and pulled out his phone.
“It’s almost 4 am,” he announced as if there was some significance to that time. I waited for him to continue with a point, but nothing else followed.
“I am so tired.” I yawned on cue, proving my statement. For the first time a hint of awkwardness crept in between us as we both struggled with how to end our night. It was so weird not being able to read this man, who always made it so clear what his intentions were. I wondered if this was a temporary change, like the change in me that wanted him to stay instead of trying to get as far away from him as possible.
“You don’t have to leave; I mean you can stay until the morning. Unless you have things you need to do, that is,” I stammered. Julian just nodded and stretched again, all the while avoiding eye contact with me. I got up off the couch and grabbed his hand leading him to the stairs.
“Thanks, I’m really tired too. I didn’t sleep much in the hospital. I can crash in your guest room for a few hours.”
I hadn’t expected that, but I wasn’t going to argue with him. I was just grateful not to be alone.
After handing Julian a fresh set of sheets and a blanket I headed off to bed, but much like my first attempt, sleep was elusive. My mind was even more restless as images of my day played over and over. I was conflicted over so many things; John’s reaction to Julian being in my hospital room, and then being asked to leave. Then flashes of Julian’s obvious grief and subdued behavior kept stirring up strange emotions. An inexplicable sadness that I had never felt before danced around my heart. Julian was back, and he was here. We still hadn’t talked, but seeing him bruised and subdued was messing with me. Above all, I was still trying to process everything that had happened to me in the last few months. I keep thinking about going back in time, but I couldn’t seem to decide on a point that I would go back to.
Melancholy descended upon me and the tears came streaming through my closed eyelids. It was suffocating me, crushing my soul with that hopeless feeling of doom. I turned into my pillow. Hugging it close and trying to find some type of comfort, but I couldn't and I began to panic at the intensity of my sadness. Before I knew it, I was sobbing into my poor pillow, needing some sort of relief. I knew I was safe, but all the panic and fear I felt ‘that night’ was still taunting me. My gut felt like I was being kicked repeatedly making it hard breathe.
I didn't even hear when he came into my room, I just felt Julian’s arms wrap around me. I wanted to let him comfort me, to be swept away by all things Julian, but I couldn’t. He was the reason for all this. Anger flared and I tried to shove him away. This only caused him to hold me tighter, so I began to pummel him. I pushed against him with my fists, and watched as he flinched away in shock, holding my wrists to keep me from striking him again.
“Why! Why didn’t you just stay away? You did this to me!” My voice was strained from crying. Julian didn’t say a word. His face was a stone mask, but his eyes flared with pain.
“Why did you come back? Huh? Answer me!” My mind was unraveling and I needed an answer. Anything to make sense of what happened.
“I came back for you!” Julian yelled as he continued to hold me restrained. His eyes blazed like an emerald storm, piercing me just like his words. “I came back because I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I came back because dreaming of you was driving me crazy. I needed to see you and explain what was going on so that you’d know why I left.”
“But that wasn’t fair to me! You could have told me, Julian. When you were leaving, you should have told me then. What about my feelings, or what I wanted? You pushed and pushed me to open up to you, and then you just disappeared. No explanation! Do you even understand what that did to me?”
My final outburst left us panting, face to face. I flexed my wrists for him to finally loosen his grip, since I was no longer attacking him. Letting me go, Julian slumped down onto his knees almost in a prayer pose, before he leaned back against the headboard, holding his head in his hands. Barely seeing through the darkness of my room, and the tears in my eyes, I watched Julian fall apart. I could see the hurt and remorse all over his face. My breathing stopped when I noticed twin tears slide down the ugly bruise on his right cheekbone, reminding me of how badly he was hurting too. The already broken parts of my heart shattered into even more pieces. I hated him and I loved him, all in one breath.
“Why did this have to happen?” I cried out, crumpling into a ball of pitiful sobs in his lap. Julian remained quiet, but held me tight against his chest. His spicy masculine scent washed over me and I breathed him in like it gave me life, relishing in the familiarness of it. Then I cried until sleep finally overtook me.
Ch 02 Men in Black
The sound of my phone blaring incessantly was my wakeup call. I tried to ignore it hoping that whoever it is would give up, and even though the ringing stopped, I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. Gradually, my awareness increased and the heat emanating from the body next to me became
ultra-pronounced. I felt bare skin pressed against the exposed skin of my shoulders from my tank top, and my thighs were also warmed by skin on skin contact. That sexual tension I thought was on hiatus was rearing it’s head, mixing with remnants of my feelings of desolation from the night before. Involuntarily, my traitorous body responded by rubbing against his smooth flesh until I realized my mistake when another reminder of our connection poked against the curve of my behind.
“So you are awake, que lo que! I was beginning to think you were deaf,” he whispered against my ear. I smiled at this small glimpse of his sarcastic nature. Glad to know some things haven’t changed!
“I was hoping I could ignore it and go back to sleep, but I can’t.”
“Um hmm,” was his only response.
We lay there with our bodies pressed together. I couldn't really fathom the thought of having sex, but I needed….something. I slowly wiggled out from under his body and turned to face him, throwing my leg over his instead. He was stripped down to his boxers and I took the opportunity to let my eyes feast away. I traced the newest addition to his tattoos. The word love in simple script over his heart. Looking up into his eyes there was no need to ask the question that was playing on my lips. Once again the threat of tears ensued, but before they did he pressed his head to mine and placed a gentle kiss to my lips. I couldn’t even understand the various emotions that were swirling around inside of me, but I knew when Julian started to pull away that I wasn’t ready for the kiss to end. So I pulled his face back to mine and kissed him with feverish intensity.
I spent the longest kiss of my life trying to decipher my feelings. My natural responses were at war with my self-imposed anger and indignation over what happened; but in that moment I only wanted to feel alive, not sad or fearful. It was also killing me that I don’t know what Julian was feeling. I felt his arousal, heard his labored breathing as he tried to contro
l himself, but he did nothing more. Slowly, he pulled away and I rolled over onto my back, staring at a tiny crack in my ceiling while I caught my breath. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions at once. My mind was muddled and confused, my heart was conflicted, and my body was a rogue agent. I hoped that these responses were allocated to Julian and John because I would have to become a hermit otherwise.
What was next? I tried to remember what the new blueprint to my life was, and what my next step was supposed to be. I couldn’t afford to spend anymore time living this Helen Keller like existence. Julian was here now, but John was waiting and ‘Jade’ didn’t know what the hell she even wanted.
“What’s on your mind,” Julian asked.
“What happens now? These last few days have been like a bad vacation from my real life.”
“Your real life? What exactly happens there?” I could tell by his tone that we were not on the same page.
“I mean, I have to figure everything out. I still need to talk to Detective Walsh. There’s this job I have that I need to get back to. You know, things like that,” I replied. There was a brief silence before his next response.
“And, John. Am I right? I’m just a disruption to your regularly scheduled programming.”
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 2