by Ali Harris
‘You know, Bea,’ she says as I get off the moped. ‘The one thing I’ve learned from all this, it is that happiness is the only choice in life you ever have to make. Don’t turn your back on it again, darling. You didn’t need to find your dad to be happy. You needed to find—’
‘Myself?’ I ask. She lets go of the handlebars and takes my hands. She stares at me and suddenly I feel closer to her than ever before. I smile and she kisses my forehead maternally.
‘I think you’ve done that already. I’ve been so proud of you this year, for being brave enough to start again. But now I think it’s time you found someone else, someone who has always loved you without suffocating you, who can hold you without carrying you, who has given you back your life and who has shown you what true happiness can be . . .’
I swallow back my tears as I say his name: ‘Adam.’
She nods.
‘You don’t think it’s too late? That he’s given up on me?’
She shakes her head and smiles. ‘You never give up on the one you love, darling. But sometimes you have to spend an awfully long time waiting for them . . .’
She looks out at the ocean. It occurs to me that’s what she’s been doing for years. Filling her life with work and people and laughter and more work to hide the fact she’s been waiting for Dad. It’s why she’s never divorced him. She’s been waiting for him to come back as much as I have. She turns and looks at me.
‘I think you’re ready now, darling, ready to live the life you’ve always been heading towards. This is your time.’
I watch her as she zips off, arm raised, her crazy curls billowing behind her, looking exactly like Susan Sarandon, and I feel an enormous wave of love.
I look at the card in my hand that my seven-year-old self made as I walk down to the sea, turning it over and over, exploring both sides of it. I feel myself transported back to that time before he left us, when I was a little girl with a world of happiness before me. Can I be that girl again?
A warm wind has whipped up and clouds are moving quickly across the sky, the sapphire ocean rippling calmly beneath it. I walk barefoot across the beach and towards the shore. The sunset has set the sky ablaze and as the tip of the sun sinks out of sight, I note that its last impression before it disappears is a ring of gold: a wedding band dropping into the ocean. I sit on the beach and gaze at my bare left hand, thinking both of the marriage I threw away – and the wedding ring Loni tried to throw into the ocean after Dad left. I pull out my phone because I want more than anything to talk to Adam. I know I can’t but maybe, just maybe, this time he’ll answer. His is the first name in my phonebook and before I can think twice I hit call.
‘Hi.’ I hear his voice and I freeze because I didn’t expect to hear it. The phone continues to ring and it is then that I think it either a figment of my imagination or that he has been conjured from another world and dropped here so I can tell him exactly how I feel right now.
I turn around and stare at him in disbelief. A smile spreads across his lightly tanned face. His dark hair has grown and there is a smattering of coal-dust stubble over his chin. We just stand looking at each other for a moment, like neither of us can quite believe the other is real. That this is actually happening. I feel like I’m on some sort of parallel universe. One where miracles exist. He is here. The only man I have ever really loved and ever truly trusted, the only man I can imagine sharing my life with is standing here in front of me.
‘I came as soon as I knew you were here,’ Adam murmurs. He has changed in the ten months since I last saw him. I note how his hair tickles his neck and forehead, his eyes look less tarnished grey; instead they are shining as brightly as the stars that will soon come out above us.
‘B-but-how?’ I can’t take my eyes off him. This feels magical, miraculous, a coincidence conjured out of dreams, or written in the stars.
‘Loni told me you were coming to Goa,’ Adam explains with a smile. ‘And she said she’d make sure you came here tonight.’ I look back at the dirt track where Loni’s moped disappeared five minutes ago and laugh. Not a coincidence, then, a set-up. He steps towards me and I notice how the twilight makes him appear almost ethereally handsome. Even though nearly a year has passed, he looks younger than I’ve seen him look for years. His smooth edges have been roughed up, like they’ve been rubbed out and drawn in again with less controlled and precise edges. He doesn’t look like he is trying to trace himself into an image of his father any more. He looks like his own man.
I can feel myself blushing as he sits next to me, and I stop breathing momentarily as his leg brushes mine. The air is rich with aromatic smells – but all I can smell is Adam’s scent. It is more powerful, more intoxicating than anything nature could create.
‘So did you find him?’ he asks. He tilts his head as he makes circles in the sand with his fingers.
‘No,’ I reply and his smile breaks in sympathy before I add, ‘You did.’ I put my hand on top of his and have to stop myself from passing out. ‘I met him today, thanks to you.’
‘That’s great, Bea, really great!’ he says softly, clasping my fingers. My skin burns, like it is fusing with his. I’m having to tell myself to breathe. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, but for the first time I’m not scared of falling.
‘I don’t know how to thank you, Adam,’ I say. ‘For doing all that for me, for searching for him after everything I put you through . . .’ I blink back the tears I know are about to come. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
‘I understood why you did it.’ He squeezes my fingers. ‘I’ve always understood you, Bea. I feel like my heart knew yours before I ever met you.’ I nod and hiccup a little because I agree but I can’t speak and we both laugh. ‘So, did he give you all the answers you wanted?’
‘Some. Enough. Meeting him made me realise that I shouldn’t be so focused on the people who left me, but the ones who’ve always been by my side . . .’
‘Like Loni,’ he says with a smile.
‘And you,’ I murmur, gazing into his eyes.
He runs his fingers through his hair and glances up at the stars that are appearing in the sky, little lights flicking on, one after another. There’s a moment of silence as we stare at the dark horizon in front of us, trying to work out what to say, where to go next. I can tell Adam doesn’t know and for a moment I feel scared. But then I realise it’s my move. He’s so used to sorting everything out, making it OK. But I’m determined to do it this time. I go to speak but as I do he turns and I can see his face is taut with anguish. ‘Bea, I came here because I needed you to know how sorry I am. I should never have forced you to get married when you weren’t really ready. There was stuff you needed to do and I never really understood that. I thought it was all about going forward, ticking boxes, getting results. I never stopped to think that it might not be the right time for us, that there might be things I needed to do, too. I only realised that once you’d gone.’ He looks at me and his solemn expression pierces my heart like an arrow. ‘You know, I thought your leaving me on our wedding day was the worst thing that could ever happen to me . . .’
‘I’m sorry,’ I interrupt, unable to stop myself. ‘If I could go back—’ I stare at Adam. I want to say that if I could go back I would do everything differently, but the words won’t come. Because I wouldn’t do anything differently. I couldn’t. I realise that this is the journey I had to take to get where I am now. I wasn’t ready to marry Adam a year ago. That hasn’t changed. But now I have faced up to everything that went before. Everything that was stopping me from completely letting go and moving on.
‘If you could go back you wouldn’t change anything?’ he says, finishing my sentence. ‘I know. I wouldn’t either.’ He smiles gently, sorrowfully almost. ‘It’s fine, honestly it is, Bea. I know now you made the right decision for both of us.’
‘Oh, yes, yes, I suppose I did.’
My heart sinks like the sun, disappearing into a dark horizon. This is not how things were
meant to turn out. It’s ironic that I’ve realised he’s the only man I want to be with at the same time he’s realised I’m not the one for him. I feel like I can already see his life diverting from this path; this is a crossroads moment and it seems we’re going in opposite directions.
‘You were right. I’m thirty-three years old and I’d never taken any time to work out what I wanted from my life,’ Adam says, his jaw set in a determined line. For a moment the new, laid-back Adam is gone and all his inherent Hudson-ness is back. The seriousness, the ambition, the determination.
There is a distant rumble of thunder; the inevitable storm after a hotly anticipated day. It doesn’t feel foreboding, more like a welcome break from the heat. Soon it will all be over and a new day can begin.
‘It’s OK, Adam,’ I say bravely. ‘Honestly, you don’t have to explain. I understand.’ I go to stand up but he catches my wrist. I feel that his fingers are creating an invisible band of gold like a bracelet. Or a ring, No matter what, my heart will always be his. I will never stop loving him. I will never forget him. I place my hand on my pocket and think of the card that’s hidden in there.
‘No, let me finish, Bea, please,’ he begs. A small flash of distant lightning lights up the horizon like a firework. ‘I’ve come here to tell you that I want to change. I want to live a different life.’ There’s another fork, brighter this time, bolder. ‘I want to be the kind of man that I can be proud of, not that my mum and dad can be proud of. And I’ve spent the last ten months trying to work out who I am. For the first time in my life I’ve been free to make my own decisions and I’m so grateful, Bea, I’m so grateful, because if I hadn’t, well, I don’t know where I would have ended up . . .’
With me, I think sadly as the ground beneath me shakes along with the thunder rumbling above. You would have ended up with me.
I reach over and take his hand, feeling the tears roll down my face as I prepare for our inevitable goodbye. I shouldn’t be this upset. After all, it was my decision that brought us here. I squeeze his hand to let him know it’s OK. I can take it.
‘I know who I am now, Bea, and I am even more certain of one thing . . .’ He pauses and looks at me and I have to stop myself from throwing myself into his arms and begging him to give me one more chance. One more chance at happiness, that’s all I want. ‘You see, since you left me I’ve realised that the one decision, the single life choice I made on my own, was actually the right one.’
He smiles, his lips drawing up into the shape of an anchor and raising my hopes from the bottom of the sea.
‘So?’
He reaches up to my forehead to brush the hair out of my eyes as the rain begins to fall. ‘Bea, you are the one certainty in my life, the one decision I made on my own, and you are the one thing I’ve never ever had any doubt about.’
I sob then and cover my mouth with my hand, unable to believe that this is happening. His hand cradles my head until our foreheads come to rest against each other.
‘I can’t change the past, but I need you to know that I am going to work really hard at living a different life in the future. I’ve quit Hudson & Grey, Bea. I’m not on a sabbatical, I’ve gone for good.’
‘What are you going to do?’ I ask. My tears are mixing with the warm rain on my cheeks and his hand moves round to brush them away before cupping my chin.
An easy, lazy smile spreads over his face and lights up his eyes so I feel like I can see the stars reflected in them.
‘I don’t know. Set up my own business one day, but maybe I’ll just freelance till then . . .’
‘You’ll be a temp!’ I snort, laughing a little through my tears, and he joins in.
There’s a crack of thunder and he instinctively puts his arm around me, our mouths meeting just as the lightning splits the sky.
‘I’ve loved you from the start, Adam Hudson,’ I say when I finally pull away.
‘And I’ve never stopped loving you,’ he murmurs.
He lowers his lips to mine again and as the lightning crackles above us he suddenly breaks away.
I can see he’s torn, unable to trust that I’ve made a decision. ‘I don’t want to put any pressure on you, Bea. I mean, maybe we should just take it slowly—’
I put my finger in front of his lips. ‘I’m in charge, OK?’ I say softly and he looks into my eyes searchingly then nods.
I take a deep breath and look at Adam, really look at him. He’s not the strong, confident man I’ve known for over seven years. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life any more. This Adam isn’t perfect; he’s not always certain and he does make mistakes. And the truth is I love him more than ever.
‘There is something I want to ask you,’ I say slowly, assuredly. ‘Obviously you can take your time, because this may seem a little crazy, but I have to trust my instincts . . .’
‘I’m ready,’ he says.
I take a deep breath, teetering on the edge before the words fall from my lips. A risk, yes, but one I’m ready to take.
‘Adam, will you marry me?’
He looks at me for a long time before he answers. And in that moment I’ve already lived both different scenarios. I have imagined me laughing and crying as he says yes and throwing myself into his arms. I’ve also imagined the alternative. I realise I am OK with both. I’ve made my decision. It’s up to Adam now. Whatever he says, yes or no, stay or go, I do or I don’t, I know I’ll survive. What will be, will be.
It is only when his lips have melted into mine and he is murmuring my name over and over again that I realise he has already decided.
‘Is that a yes?’ I laugh, grasping his face and gazing into his eyes hopefully.
‘Of course it’s a yes, Bea!’ he laughs.
‘And you’re certain you want to go through it all again?’ I look at him, trying to search for the doubts that I know must be there because he wouldn’t be human if there weren’t. ‘Aren’t you worried I won’t make it down the aisle?’
A whisper of a smile tickles the corner of his mouth before he replies.
‘Yes . . . but I think I’ll take my chances.’
March
Dear Bea . . .
. . .. and dear March, do come in! I’m so glad to see you. You’re always the turning point in the year: as nature is stirred into action by warmer days, so you inspire us to start the hard work again. It’s a busy time for a gardener, but Bea, know that however manic life might seem right now, very soon you will get to celebrate the culmination of years of your hard work. I know you have spent a long time grafting, turning over soil, planting new bulbs, cultivating new life. I wish I could be there to see what you have achieved. But I know you will always have an appreciative, adoring audience to witness your accomplishments. And I know that now spring has begun in earnest you’ll barely remember the cold days that fell on your garden. You’ll look down and instead of bare ground, you will see the hardy perennials that are already pushing their way back into your life again after a long, hard winter. They are the ones to focus on, Bea, not the ones that didn’t make it.
I love you so much, Bea. I always have and always will.
Love, Dad x
Chapter 69
Bea Hudson is on top of the world.
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I stand on the corner of Canada Square and look up at the impressive new building where Hudson, Grey & Friedman will now be based.
It’s small compared to the skyscrapers that surround it and is dwarfed completely by the gargantuan Canary Wharf Tower. With its four-storey glass exterior and exposed roof with the glass spherical ball at the centre, the agency’s new home looks like a small ‘i’ in the middle of a word full of capital letters. But it stands out, because of that very fact.
I feel goosebumps prickle my arms despite the unusually warm March evening. It has surprised me that there has been no snow this year, no late frosts, or winter winds. The daffodils appeared early as did the crocuses and the cherry blossom. Spring arrived in February and h
as simply stayed.
I’m nervous about tonight not just because it is the official unveiling of the roof terrace project, one I have played a significant part in, but because I’m convinced Adam will be there. It will be the first time I will have seen him since I left his parents’ house on New Year’s Day.
The last two months have felt interminably long without him. When he called me at Loni’s after I got back from the pier I told him that I was wrong to run away, I just needed space to see what it was I wanted. And I knew that I wanted to be with him. I’ve only ever wanted to be with him. But he wouldn’t listen. He told me that I’d been right. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me but that we can’t be together until we’ve worked out some other stuff. Then he told me he’d handed in his notice to his dad and had decided to go away for a while. ‘Not for long,’ he’d added quickly. ‘I’m not leaving you, Bea, I told you that. I’m never going to leave you. I just need to find myself first.’
‘How long will that take?’ I asked, feeling myself wobble but knowing that it was the right thing for both of us.
‘I don’t know; a few weeks, maybe a month or two. I just want to take some time out to work things out and I think you should too. But I promise I’ll be back, Bea.’
A memory washed over me then, of Kieran saying the same thing. But this time I knew it was different. I trusted Adam. I had faith in us. ‘Will you be OK?’ he asked, and I looked out into the garden.
‘Of course I will. I’ve got the roof terrace project to throw myself into and a university application to fill in. Besides, I’m kind of used to being left on my own. I don’t want to go back to the flat though without you. Milly has said I can stay at her place temporarily and I’m going to take her up on the offer . . .’ She’d told me this the day she’d come home from the hospital with baby Holly Rose. She was been born five weeks prematurely in a hospital in Brooklyn and Milly had already extended her maternity leave to six months from the statutory three you get in New York, and asked them to transfer her back to London.