Winter at Cedarwood Lodge

by Rebecca Raisin

  She grinned and her face was transformed back into that of my beautiful, vivacious friend. “Listen,” she said, lowering her voice, “why don’t you stop pretending? You’re the biggest advocate for love, yet you spend your life waiting for it to happen to you when really you should be a big girl and help it along…”

  I opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water. “I’ll happily help it along if I find the right man.”

  She leaned so close I could see her pupils dilate. “Kai is pretty perfect. But you’re never going to find out with your nose pressed against the window.”

  “Good advice.” My voice was heavy with sarcasm. “Why would I hook up with someone who’s working in another part of the country? That has disaster written all over it in big fat capital letters.”

  “Yet you offer to employ Cruz just like that. Kai could easily work here, and we are advertising for staff. You need a project manager for the chalets. Just saying…” She held up her hands when I went to protest.

  “And…” she said, and I knew she had something up her sleeve. She flounced past me and sat on the desk. “Didn’t you give Micah this exact kind of advice when Isla was going to leave Cedarwood? And now look… they’ve found a solution. I’m sure you can.”

  I sighed. “That’s all well and good for them, Amory, but there is one little problem. They both liked each other. Kai and I are not like that. We’re friends.”

  “Sure you are!” She rolled her eyes. “And what about that other guy? He was keen for a date and you’ve done absolutely zero about it. You accuse me of being scared, but I think you’re the one who’s scared…”

  I frowned. “Timothy? You know, Amory, I was once so madly in love with Timothy, the sound of his name would provoke hazy-eyed rapture. But he’s carrying more baggage than Louis Vuitton himself, though he tries to hide that behind that saucy smile of his. He’s really on the rebound, if you ask me. The split from his wife is pretty recent, and I kind of can’t forget he married her about two seconds after I left town.”

  “Ancient history, everyone changes. And you can cry busy your entire life and end up alone. When anyone mentions Kai, however, your eyes light up like that Rudolf figurine over there.”

  I really was busy! And while Timothy had made it clear he was interested, I still wasn’t sure. In my heart of hearts, I was hoping things would change with Kai, but would I be brave enough to say anything? Probably not, because the moment we’d shared hadn’t come up between us. It must have been that forgettable. At my age, when everyone was scrambling for love, commitment, their version of happy ever after, shouldn’t I be acting more proactively about my future? It was easier to dither along, and hope the sun would shine one day soon and make it blindingly obvious.

  I hesitated, Amory reading my facial expressions as well as if they were her own. “Start with hello.” She grabbed my shoulders and marched me to the door.

  When Kai caught sight of me, he gave me a slow smile that lit up the bright blue of his eyes. It was enough to make my heart pound. Really, I was a bundle of nerves. “Clio…” He held out a hand.

  Behind me Amory hissed, “Ughay imhay!”

  I turned and shushed her, whispering, “Pig Latin, Amory, really? Am I a child?”

  She giggled. “Sometimes. Hug-the-damn-man!”

  I blanked my face and trudged over, grabbing his outstretched hand, and pulling him in for a hug. Happy now, Amory? I was so focused on shutting her up that it took a moment to realize I was lost in the comfort of his arms – too long, I stood there, possibly murmuring to myself. He smelled so good, like hopes and dreams, and… Get a hold of yourself!

  I extricated myself, apologizing profusely.

  I glanced at Amory and she rolled her eyes again before reaching past me to shake Kai’s hand.

  “Hi, Kai, so great to meet you properly at last. I hope you got in OK.” She smiled and then turned to Micah. “Sorry to bug you as soon as you’re back, Micah, but can I get a hand for a minute? I need some help moving one of the tables into the salon…” She didn’t make eye contact with me, the little minx. There was zero need to move any table, and she knew that full well.

  “Sure,” Micah said affably. “Chat later, Kai.” They shook hands and Micah jogged up the porch, to move a table that didn’t need moving.

  We stood awkwardly, our eyes cast to the snow-covered ground. Words suddenly escaped me. How ridiculous, acting like a dumbstruck teenager at thirty-three years of age. It’s not like we’d even seen each other naked, or had anything to be shy about. So, we’d locked lips. Big deal! I stared him full in the face, forcing myself not to look away, proving I could be the mature adult I was. I did my best I’m totally together impression and hoped he’d read my true feelings.

  “Are you OK, Clio?” he frowned, concern clouding his eyes.

  “Yes, why?”

  “You haven’t blinked once.”

  My lips twitched with laughter. Maybe my totally together impression needed a little work.

  He gave me a bemused smile, or at least I think it was bemused – he might have been searching for an escape route. I certainly was.

  “Shall we go inside?” He wiped a thick layer of snow from my shoulder. God, the poor Australian in him was probably freezing to death.

  “Yes, let’s get you warmed up by the fire. Get those wet clothes off you.”

  This time he really laughed, a full-bellied sort and said, “Have you been drinking?”

  “No, why?” Scatterbrained fool!

  “Nothing, let’s go inside. I can dust off my coat on the edge of the porch.”

  Oh, he thought I’d meant get all of his clothes off! Did he? I wanted to die.

  “Yes, of course.”

  I led him inside, and he hung his jacket on the coat rack in the mudroom, before joining me in the front parlor. “Wow, Clio, look at this place now.” When he’d left, the lodge had been finished but not fully furnished, and most of our décor had still been in transit. He hadn’t seen any of the completed rooms except the ballroom, which we’d done for Imelda and Edgar’s party.

  “Wait until you see the chapel. It’s glorious. The pews are all set up and the pulpit – with the stained-glass windows funneling in light and the fire glowing in the grate – it’s one of the prettiest spaces I’ve ever seen.”

  Whenever we discussed the lodge, Kai’s face changed, like he’d found a pot of gold. He was always interested to know every little detail, when most people’s eyes would have glazed over by then. I think it was a mixture of rapture about the expansive grounds, the beauty of nature, and the idea of providing accommodation in such a place, with old-school activities and lots of adventure. And let’s not forget the mountain range he virtually ran up. For fun.

  “You’re amazing, Clio. To have so much happening. It’s only been a month or so since the lodge got a makeover and already you’ve held an expo and locked in some guests and weddings.”

  Had Kai worried that no one would visit? Evergreen wasn’t like other New Hampshire towns with big populations and tourist attractions galore. Unless you were a nature lover and happy to find your way around unmarked tracks, there wasn’t much more to do in Evergreen. But that was kind of a joy in itself. It wasn’t full to bursting with people, and when you went for a hike seeking solitude, you soon found it.

  “It’s not just me, Kai. I’ve had so much help from so many people. And now I have Amory here – the dream team, she calls us.”

  “A force to be reckoned with,” he grinned.

  “If you’re getting married…” I stopped short. “Not you, but…” Kill me.

  “Speaking of which, we’d better go over to see Ned. May as well see what can be done.”

  “Let me get the paperwork.”

  My head was suddenly clear. We needed this to go without a hitch so I could assure our brides the chapel was ready for their weddings. We needed their deposits too, to go forward with the renovations on the chalets, giving us another income stream f
or spring when the holiday season would truly begin.

  After two hours of back and forth with Ned, me biting my tongue to prevent me speaking out of turn, and Kai keeping his cool and patiently explaining each improvement down to the type of nuts and bolts that were used, Ned agreed to approve the chapel at Cedarwood pending a visit to inspect the structure properly, before the year was out. We had a February wedding to organize, so it had to be done as soon as possible in case Ned found any problems and we needed to fix them. It was a weight off my mind, but I wouldn’t fully relax until he put pen to paper and signed the document.

  As we drove sedately back to Cedarwood, the silence weighed a little heavier. It was like we were tongue-tied and I missed our usual affable chats about every little thing.

  Kai must have sensed my unease and finally said, “What are you thinking about? You’re doing that squinty, hunchy thing of yours again, like you can’t see.”

  “What squinty hunchy thing?”

  He squinted and hunched over, letting the steering wheel go and hugging himself tight. “Like that. You always do that same thing when you’re worried.”

  I peeked down at my body and found he was right. The Hunchback of Notre Dame had nothing on me. “Talk about bad posture, oh upright one.”

  His shiny white teeth shone under the soft sunlight, and he let the teasing go unchecked. “When we did yoga you stopped hugging yourself tight like that. Stopped folding yourself in knots.”

  “But you left.” I attempted a smile. “My yogi.”

  He bit his lip, and turned away. “I wanted to stay.”

  The air thickened with unsaid words.

  “Did you, though? You left so early after Imelda and Edgar’s party…”

  He stared straight ahead, gray clouds drifting toward us in an angry jumble. We were going to get stuck in the car, sheltering from the coming storm, if we didn’t get home soon. I held my tongue, though. I wanted an answer.

  “I was two weeks late for that job and my boss wasn’t happy about it. I had to go.” His voice had an air of anguish to it, and I thought something had changed with Kai. Something had stolen the light from his eyes. Was it his boss? There was a bitterness to Kai that was out of character when he spoke of his time away.

  “What’s going on, Kai? You don’t seem like the same guy who left Cedarwood.”

  He smiled, but it was more like a grimace. “I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.”

  By the set of his jaw, I knew to leave it alone, that whatever it was would come out soon enough. Kai harped on about how holding toxic emotions inside damaged a person, but I sensed he needed time to mull over whatever it was.

  “I’m glad you’re back, even if it’s only for a little while.”

  With his hands on the wheel, he said, “Me too, I love it here.”

  ***

  At the lodge, Kai stood behind me, shrugging out of his coat. Voices carried down the stairwell. I stopped, straining to hear. It was Amory and Cruz, having a heart-to-heart by the sound of it.

  “I’m sorry I’ve kept you at arm’s length all this time. It was just easier if we were going to break up, to protect myself, my heart,” Amory’s voice carried down the stairs.

  “Promise me you’ll always say how you’re feeling? Don’t run away, don’t hide it. The thought of losing you…”

  It was such a happy thing to witness – two people so in love they were willing to forget their own dreams for each other. Not wanting to intrude, I tapped Kai’s arm and pointed outside, and we crept away to let them chat in private.

  We went to the chalets by the lake. I watched him for a beat, and it was as obvious as his shadow that something plagued him. He was quieter than normal and something inside me wanted to make it better, or at least show him I cared. When I’d been twisted and coiled tight like a snake, Kai had recognized it in me, and helped me, in myriad ways, by his cuckoo breathing techniques and enforced exercise, but mostly by listening, and not shrugging off my concerns. Sure, at the time he’d been my employee, but it went beyond that. And I wanted to reciprocate.

  “Hey,” I said, “do you want to head into town, and have a drink?” It tugged at my heart the way his whole demeanor had changed, like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  “Sure,” he said.

  Twenty minutes later we arrived at the Shakin’ Shack, and took a seat at a softly lit booth at the back. I ordered us two beers, thinking alcohol just might loosen his tongue and get him to open up to me.

  We made small talk for an hour before I figured out how to broach it with him.

  “Remember when you said you were searching for something, a feeling, a place you belong…? Did something happen to prompt that?”

  He nodded, a faint smile touching his lips. “That sounded a little too mystical, right?” He shook his head as if he was embarrassed he’d shared the idea with me. “Have you ever felt so lost you just don’t know where you fit any more?”

  I smiled and tried to find the right words, “Most of my life I felt that way, growing up with a mother who was there, only in body but not in spirit. The thing is, I know now that I can’t change her. I can help, I can be there, but I can’t change the way she thinks, the way she acts. I can only hope being around will help.”

  We hadn’t talked about my mom, or her issues, but I’m sure he’d heard about it through the grapevine. It was a small town, after all, and word had got around that my mom had arrived at Cedarwood and stayed barely an hour, vowing never to return.

  “What is it with parents?” Hurt crossed his face. “Before I left Australia, I found out I was adopted. Imagine, at the grand old age of thirty-one, your parents suddenly announce they’re not your parents.”

  Shock rendered me mute. I couldn’t imagine being told such a thing. Surreptitiously, I surveyed Kai, pain etched firmly on his face. Silence engulfed us. I was hesitant to say the wrong thing. In all the time he’d stayed at Cedarwood, he hadn’t alluded to any problems back home, and I wondered if that had cost him, keeping it bottled up, and now it was finally spilling out. What had changed to bring it back to the fire now?

  I’d pegged Kai for some kind of nomad, a drifter searching for adventure, but really he had been running from his past, from a secret. It reminded me of my mom and the baby in the black and white photographs. There was a momentary flash of anger toward these people, our parents, whether biological or not, keeping things from us – in Kai’s case, something so major that it had caused him to flee.

  “Why did they suddenly tell you now?”

  Kai’s face darkened. “My father had a close call in a car accident. He was fine but it scared him and I guess he wanted to right his wrongs. He called me over and they sat me down and blurted it out. It was tough, knowing my life was essentially built on a lie, but deep down I could sort of understand it. I mean, you hear these kinds of stories all the time.”

  I weighed up what to say that wouldn’t sound like platitudes. “Do you know who your biological parents are?”

  “That’s the thing. I just packed up and left. Thought I’d worry about all of that later, come to terms with it first, see a bit of the world, and make sense of who I am now that I’m not Kai Davis, not really. Unbeknownst to me, my father did some investigating and phoned me last week to tell me my biological parents died, years ago. Substance-abuse issues… So now I don’t even get to make the decision about whether I want to meet them. It’s another choice taken out of my hands and I feel cheated. Like I’m adrift…”

  For all his easy-going calm, Kai had been hiding his own pain. That’s the thing about pain – it rises to the surface eventually and you have to deal with it. He’d obviously tried to forget, to keep busy, to run from it, but it caught up to him.

  “I guess they did what they thought was best at the time, even though it doesn’t make it right. I can’t imagine any parent wanting to hurt their child, no matter how old he grew.”

  “Yeah, I would be able to see th
at if it was anyone else’s story, but because it’s mine and I’m living it… Sometimes their audacity takes my breath away. They should have told me. I should have got to meet my biological parents, or at least had the choice.”

  What if my mom had a secret like this? The child in the pictures… how would I feel? Probably the same way Kai did. I shuddered at the thought and once again weighed up whether some secrets should stay buried.

  We sat in silence, pondering it all.

  “I’m glad you told me, Kai.”

  He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Saying it out loud makes it real, you know? For some reason I feel like a failure, like I wasn’t good enough to hold on to. I know it’s stupid, but that’s how I feel, and I can’t shake it. Sorry, what a downer I am. But that’s sort of where I’m at. I don’t know what to do, whether to go home, or what…”

  I gave his hand a squeeze.

  He stared into my eyes, and my heart just about tore in two.

  ***

  Back at the lodge, Kai headed out, so I told Amory I was going upstairs to do some paperwork, and took my laptop into my room. The phone rang just as I puffed my way up the stairs. I dashed to answer the extension next to my bed.

  “Cedarwood Lodge, Clio speaking.”

  “You went through my things, Clio?”

  I gulped. How did she know? “No, Mom, I would never do that. I was trying to fix the coffee machine.”

  “You saw the photographs.” Her voice was heavy with sadness.

  Did I put them back in the wrong drawer? Mom’s fastidiousness was likely to blame.

  “I honestly wasn’t searching for them, truly Mom.” This would set us back, I just knew it. My toes curled just thinking of the progress we’d made which would now be lost.

  “Why won’t you leave it alone? It’s like you’re obsessed with dredging up the past.”

  I sighed. “I was simply looking for the instruction booklet. The album was underneath.”

  “And your library visit?”

  Damn it.

  “Mom, how would you feel being me? I just know this mystery, this secret, is the key to us being a real mother and daughter. You can’t pretend you’ve been there for me. I’ve never asked anything of you, but I’m asking you now: what happened at Cedarwood that stops you visiting?”