She tried to remember the exact moment she had let her virginity slip through her fingers, but it was a blur. She wanted desperately to take it back, to somehow erase what she’d done, but it was over. She had made love to Alex, and the happiness he’d shared with her afterward only sickened her more.
She closed her eyes and hoped it was a dream—a nightmare—but her stomach continued to lurch and roll. How could she have let this happen? She’d been so sure of herself, of everything she believed in. She had set herself out as an example to other girls, convincing them to wait for their husbands. How could she look any of those girls in the eye ever again?
She wanted desperately to pray, to beg God to take the shame away, to promise she would never do it again, but there was nothing she could say, no way to make it right again. She turned her face into the pillow and sobbed as quietly as she could. How could she promise God anything? She was liar.
Chapter Nineteen
October 16
Birmingham, Alabama
Lily stared at the Abstract Algebra notes she’d copied from a classmate, trying to make sense of what seemed like a foreign language. She could barely focus on how to add and subtract, much less theorems and corollaries about fields and rings.
She closed her book and shoved it off her bed. It landed with a thud, and from her bed across the room, Emily glanced up at her.
“You okay?”
“I’m going to fail my mid-terms.” Lily leaned back against the wall and put her palms to her eyes.
“You’re not going to fail. You say that every semester, and you always do fine.”
“Not this time. I don’t get this. I mean I really don’t get it. I’ve failed the last two tests, and the only reason I still have a C in the class is because the professor takes pity on me when I come to him crying every week when I can’t do the homework!” She pushed herself off the bed and started pacing. “Em, I’m really going to fail. And not just this class. I’m drowning, and I don’t know what to do.”
Emily set her own books aside. “Hey, it‘s going to be all right. You just need to get some help. Is there someone you can study with?”
The desire to flee swelled inside of her, and she tried to take a deep breath. She sat back down on her bed, dropped her head into her hands, and rocked back and forth. She felt the pressure on her bed shift as Emily moved beside her.
“Lil, is there something else going on?”
She wanted to pour out all of the guilt and shame that had been building the past five days, but words attached painful reality to her feelings. Saying them out loud was as good as plastering them to a billboard.
She looked up at Emily. “Nothing else is going on.
Emily dropped her chin. “Really? You’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Nothing’s wrong. At least, nothing I can’t deal with on my own.”
“Okay, well, if you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine.”
“Obviously. I’ve never seen you happier. I’m sure your eyes are so red because of the tears of joy.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“All you had to say.” Emily raised a hand in defense and stood. “I felt the same way when I lost it.”
Lily jerked her head up and watched Emily walk toward the bathroom.
“What are you talking about?”
Emily turned around, crossing her arms over her chest. She let out a sigh and seemed to think for a moment before she spoke. That was something new. When had Emily Sanchez ever filtered her words?
“You slept with Alex, didn’t you?”
Lily swallowed hard. “I…I don’t know how to talk about it.”
“What’s the big deal? You love him don’t you?”
“The big deal? I was waiting until I got married. You knew that.”
“Yeah, but I never understood it.”
“I wanted to be able to say that the only man I had ever been with was my husband.”
“Who would you say it to?”
“What? I don’t know. No one. It’s just a figure of speech.”
Emily shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you wanted other people to look up to you. Maybe you want to be better than everyone else.”
Lily couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Sure, they’d always seen things differently, even argued from time to time. But Emily had never said something so hurtful before.
“Do you really think that about me?”
“No, of course not. Purely hypothetical. But, you could still say the only man you’ve been with is your husband. Just marry Alex.”
“How can you be so flippant about this? I compromised a principle that was very important to me. What kind of Christian am I if I just throw away my beliefs, even if it’s for someone I love?”
Emily softened. “I know you feel bad. I didn’t mean to sound callous.” She rejoined Lily on her bed, chewing on her lip for a minute before continuing. “Aren’t you always the one telling me that God forgives anything? I don’t get it. If you really believe that, then why are you taking this so hard?”
Her words struck Lily in the heart. God did forgive; she knew that. But it didn’t take away her shame. All she wanted was to go back and make things right again, to erase what she’d done. But that was impossible now, and she had no idea how to deal with it.
“Have you talked to Alex about it?” Emily asked.
“I’ve tried, but I don’t really know how. I’m afraid he’ll think I regret it.”
“Did I miss something? You do regret it.”
“I know, but I don’t want him to feel bad.”
Emily smiled and shook her head. “Well, you can’t really hide it. You’re way too easy to read. He probably already knows something is wrong. Everyone else does.”
“What do you mean?”
“Coach asked me if something’s going on with you. Alison too. You’ve been a bit off in practice this week, and holing up in your room hasn’t helped.”
Great. So everyone, including Coach, knew something was up. Between her performance dropping off and her grades slipping, she was in danger of landing in some real trouble.
“What did you tell them?” Lily asked.
“That I didn’t know.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure. What are roomies for?”
A prickly silence fell over them, like a wool blanket that made your whole body itch. Did Emily look at her differently now? How long before other people figured it out?
Brunswick, Georgia
From the moment she answered the phone, Alex could tell Lily was building up to something, and he didn’t need three guesses to figure out where she was going. She hadn’t been herself since the last night they’d spent together. She’d practically slunk out of his house the next day.
He propped his feet on the coffee table and popped the top of another Killian’s.
“I’ve been thinking about our last night together,” she said. “I wanted to talk to you about it.”
“Sure. I’m all ears. Spill it.”
The phone was so quiet he could practically hear the crickets outside her window. Then she cleared her throat.
“I, uh, I don’t feel right about what happened last weekend.” She paused, but he waited. “I mean, I loved being with you. But my beliefs haven’t changed. What I did was wrong, and I hate feeling that way about us.”
He was speechless. There was no pleasing her. Hadn’t he asked her, not once, but several times if she wanted him to stop?
“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
She cleared her throat again. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I’m sorry. I know-“
“I’ve tried to love you the only way I know how, and it isn’t good enough. I really don’t think I’m the man you want to be with.”
“That’s
not true-“
“Yes it is. You want someone who believes the same things you do. Someone who’ll stand up to your measuring stick and not fall short. That’s not me. You don’t want me.”
“Yes I do.”
Her voice was small and it cracked, and he pictured her face with tears streaming down her cheeks. Then he forced it back where it came from. He didn’t need that image right now. It weakened him. This back and forth crap had to stop.
“I can’t change who I am,” he said. “I can’t change the fact that I want to make love to you when we’re together. Lily, nothing has ever felt so right. I loved being that close to you, and that you shared your first time with me. It was so perfect.”
“This was a huge step for me, one I don’t think I was ready to take. I can’t change who I am any more than you can. Waiting until I was married was so important to me.”
“So you regret it. Great. Now I feel like I forced myself on you.”
“No. I don’t feel that way.”
“But I do!” He took a deep breath, forced his voice to stay even. “You wish it had never happened. So that makes me a complete jerk.”
“I just wish we had waited.”
Did she think that made him feel better? Her trying to protect his ego only made the bruise larger.
“So now what?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Can’t we just decide it won’t happen again?”
He had to stifle a laugh. One, it wasn’t funny. Two, she was so naïve it made his chest ache.
“That’s just not possible.”
“Why not?”
“Lily, I think you’re being a little unrealistic here. We’ve been heading toward this for a while now. It didn’t just happen. And the feelings that landed us here haven’t gone away. We’re still going to be tempted, and once you do something once, it gets even harder to stop. Trust me.”
“I just want to go back to the way things were,” she said.
“We can’t. You can’t move backward. We’ll just end up right back here again.”
“Alex, I don’t want to have sex again.”
He set the beer down and rubbed his head. It throbbed with the anger he was trying to suppress. She wanted the impossible, and apparently so did he.
“Then I don’t know how we can keep seeing each other.”
He heard her breath catch and felt the blow to his own chest. He couldn’t believe he’d just said that. What was he thinking? What was she thinking right now? Probably that he was an arrogant jerk who’d slept with her and was dumping her for not wanting more.
That was smooth, Walker. Smooth.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean that.”
She sniffled, and the image he had blocked out minutes earlier invaded him again.
“Why are you so frustrated?” she asked.
Because you make me weak.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I know I shouldn’t be. I’m sorry.” He sounded like an idiot. What kind of man let a woman make him so crazy? “Look, I just want you to be happy. If you don’t want me to even touch you, I promise I won’t.”
“So you don’t want to break up with me?”
“Of course not. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
She let out a long breath, and a small amount of relief broke through.
“It’s okay. Let’s just forget all this even happened. Please?”
“Whatever you want, Lily. Whatever you want.”
October 23
Birmingham, Alabama
She should have thought this out better. When Emily suggested they go out and have some fun at a local club, Lily had thought it was a perfect chance to drown out her conscious for a night. Had she known it would bring on such a headache, she might have at least taken some ibuprophen beforehand. Too late now. She chugged down her soda instead, hoping the caffeine would alleviate the throbbing.
From the table she and Emily had grabbed, she watched a hundred some odd people dancing in a space probably meant for half that. With so many sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other, she understood why only drunk people seemed to enjoy it. Top it off with strobe lights and the smoke choking her lungs, and she wondered again why she had thought this would help.
Maybe she should’ve stayed in her room. Alex had wanted to watch old movies on television together while they talked on the phone, but things hadn’t been the same between them lately. He was trying too hard to make her happy, and she was trying too hard to forget.
He’d already called twice since she’d gotten to the club, and she couldn’t bring herself to answer. She looked down at her phone again. He’d sent a text message.
You ok?
“Still brooding about Alex?” Emily said from beside her. She was already drenched with sweat from dancing and a few dark curls were plastered to her forehead.
Lily shrugged. “Trying not to.”
“Forget about him tonight. He’s not here. Just relax and have a good time. You need it.”
Lily shook her head then rubbed her temples. “I don’t think this was such a good idea. My head is killing me.”
“You need something stronger.” Emily gave her a knowing grin. “Why don’t you let me liven that drink up a bit?”
“No way.”
At times like this, it’d be easier just to take a few drinks to relax, and Emily had been more than eager to help her out. She’d never let herself even taste the stuff, though she couldn’t remember why. Maybe it had all been part of the same pledge to avoid temptation. How long till she blew that one too?
“Come on, Lil. Let’s dance. Let loose a bit.”
“Fine.” She threw up her hands in surrender. Anything to direct her thoughts away from her guilt, even flat out embarrassment.
She followed Emily out onto the dance floor and darted her gaze over the swarm of people moving around her. Just copy what they were doing—that seemed simple enough. She moved awkwardly at first, conscious of every limb. But she soon realized no one was even paying attention to her, and she closed her eyes to focus on the music. It gradually started to feel good. She let go of her fear, just let the music move through her, let the anxiety slip down her arms, waist, hips and then around her ankles. Complete surrender.
It was a brief reprieve, but it was worth it. When she finally took a break and returned to the table with Emily, the relief was palpable. She needed more of that.
Her phone buzzed in her back pocket. Another text.
Starting to worry. You ok?
Emily leaned across the table and grabbed the phone. “No more brooding!”
“Em, come on. I need to tell him I’m alright or he’ll just keep calling and texting.”
Emily turned the phone off and shoved it in her pocket. “It’ll be fine. Just have a good time!”
Lily rolled her eyes and caught a glimpse of a familiar face come through the entrance.
“What’s T.J. doing here?” she asked.
“Oh, I uh, forgot to mention it, but I invited him and a couple of guys to meet us down here. Hope that’s okay.”
“T.J.? I thought you two broke up months ago.”
Emily gave her a sheepish smile. “We did. But we’ve been talking the past week or so, and you know…”
“What about Chris? The whole weekend trip to see him? What was that about?”
“I don’t know. It was just fun.” Emily shrugged, smiling as she waved to the guys.
Lily turned and watched T.J. and some of the other basketball players from school moving through the crowd, their heads at least six inches above everyone else in the room. No way you could lose them in a crowd, especially T.J. With his sun-streaked hair and easy-going gait, you’d think he grew up on a surf board in California rather than the mountains of Tennessee. He waved back and flashed the dimpled smile that had caused a good deal of drama among her friends throughout their Freshman year.
“You don’t mind, do you?” Emily asked again, as if it mattered.
&nb
sp; “Why would I?” She stood and gave T.J. a hug as the guys reached the table.
“Hey, Lil!” He squeezed her tight, forcing the air out of her lungs. “What are you doing hanging out with us heathens?”
Good lord. Did everyone think she was so judgmental? She stepped out from under his arm and smiled at Emily.
“Just trying to have a little fun.”
She started to suggest they head toward the dance floor again, when she noticed a new face. He was standing off to the side talking with another basketball player, scanning the club like he’d never seen it before.
“Who’s the new guy?” she asked T.J.
“Who? Oh! That’s Shane something-or-other. He just transferred from junior college in Ohio. I don’t know too much about him yet.”
Lily looked him over again, and this time he noticed. He smiled. It was nice. He wasn’t good-looking in an obvious way, but the smile was genuine. She walked over to him and stuck out her hand.
“Hi. I’m Lily Brennon.”
“Shane Harper.” He shook her hand.
“I hear you just transferred. Where you from?”
“A little town outside Midlothian, Texas. How about you?”
“Oh, I’m from around here.”
“You play a sport?”
“Yeah, I’m on the volleyball team.”
“That figures.”
“Oh really, why’s that?”
He smiled again, almost apologetic. “Well, the tall girls with the awesome legs usually play volleyball.”
“Nice. That was pretty smooth. You got any more?”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Nah, that’s the best I got.” He looked over her shoulder, and Lily followed his gaze. Emily and T.J. were already entwined on the dance floor.
“You want to dance?” he asked.
“Sure.”
Alex would probably disapprove, but she wanted to feel the music lift the weight of her conscience again, so she followed him out onto the floor. Thankfully, he didn’t get too close, like he sensed her need for space. Still, it was nice to have someone to laugh with, and as the night wore on, the lights and people blurred like a painting in the rain, the colors washing together and taking her convicting thoughts with them.
Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance Page 24