Goose,
I picked up a shift tonight at work. I’m probably going out after, so I’ll see you in the morning. Call me if you need anything.
XOXO,
Mags
Emotions are running a high right now. Between my drama with Miller and my lunch with Bennett, I need to release some of it. It’s times like these that I wish I could still run. Nothing feels quite like pounding out my frustrations on the road during a long run. My body misses the physical exertion I used to put it through. Now, I put it through a much different kind of hell. I walk to the bed and collapse on the mattress. I hear crinkling under my pillow. Sticking my hand under it, I pull out a note. This one is from Miller. What’s with all the damn notes today?
Luce,
I went for a run. I needed to clear my head. I don’t know exactly what went on last night. All I know is that I don’t like the fact that you left without talking to me first. I must have really fucked up bad. Please stay here and wait for me to get back. We can talk. I need to make this better. I love you, Goose.
Miller
My first thought is that I’m totally jealous that he’s on a run and I’m not. Completely unfair! Then, guilt consumes me. He has no idea what happened last night. I’m not sure what he thinks went on, but, if I had to guess, he’s assuming my attitude earlier was about last night, and not about him leaving me stranded after dialysis. I shouldn’t have left with Bennett. I should have explained what happened. I think, though, I will leave out some of the sordid details. I don’t know if I want him to remember what he said to me. Miller may not have wanted those words to be heard. I have a feeling his declaration was an unintentional one. And, I don’t know how I feel about hearing his confession. I know he loves me, but I don’t want him to love me in that way.
For the second time today, I think about having that conversation with Miller under our tree years ago. He knows how I feel. We can’t be together like that. It doesn’t work on my end. To me, he remains the same Miller, despite the label we put on our relationship. No matter how we define Us, I still think of him as my same Miller, my best friend. Physically, our relationship changed, but we can do that now, just as easily. After last night, though, maybe I shouldn’t keep doing that to him. I lay down with his note, and find sleep easily.
***
I wake up to the muted sound of the television. I can’t tell what time it is, but based on the lack of light coming in through my window, I must have slept for a while. It was much needed, and I feel better. I go to the bathroom, and then go find Miller. He’s sitting on our old, shabby, brown couch watching Storage Wars. Fresh from the shower, he doesn’t look like his run helped clear his mind. His eyes are on the TV, but he clearly isn’t paying any attention to it.
“Hey,” I say, sitting next to him and patting his knee. I smile, and am instantly rewarded with a tiny one back.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks, searching my face, looking for clues on how this conversation will play out.
“Yes. Do you want me to make us something to eat?” I ask. We both know that’s a dumb question. I can make toast and cereal, and macaroni and cheese on a good day.
“I ate after my run.” He looks down at his hands, then back up to me. His eyes are laced with worry. “Goose, can we talk about last night? I have been freaking out all fucking day. I have no idea what happened. I just know that I panicked when I woke up without you, and then I forgot you, and then you came home with-”
I put my hand up, shutting him up.
“Stop right there, Miller. You have nothing to freak out about. I wasn’t mad about last night. I was upset about being left at the center. Bennett just happened to find me sitting outside, got worried, and offered me a ride home. Him bringing me home is no reflection of last night.” That makes him visibly relax.
“What did happen? I don’t remember much. All I do know is when I got up to make the bed and straighten up in there this morning I couldn’t find a condom wrapper. I tore that goddamn room apart searching for one. Just because I’m drunk doesn’t mean you can’t stop us and make me put one on. We can’t risk that.” The panic is coming back, a little stronger this time.
BINGO. There’s the real reason for all this. He doesn’t remember anything and he thinks we didn’t use a condom. He’s right to panic. If I would get pregnant, it would probably kill me.
Literally.
Feeling slightly relieved, I think I’ll keep the details to myself. Well, except for putting him out of his misery about the whole condom thing.
“Miller, relax. We didn’t even have sex. You came stumbling in, crawled into bed, talked some nonsense I couldn’t even understand, and passed out. Nothing happened. I just hope you had the sense not to drive.”
He runs his hand through his shaggy hair that’s in desperate need of a trim. His whole body shudders from his exhale.
“Thank God! Shit, that didn’t sound right. You know what I mean. And, no. I got a ride home. My truck was parked here all night.” Now he’s looking like my Miller again. He pulls me into his arms.
“I’m so damn sorry I was like that today, baby. I was pissed at myself for being so stupid and irresponsible and I took it out on you. I thought I royally fucked up last night, and then I didn’t wake up to go get you. I should have thanked Bennett instead of acting like an asshole. I can’t believe I left you there.”
“It’s alright. Just make sure you start charging your phone. And, don’t feel too bad. Maggie’s was dead, too.”
“So, how was your date?” he asks.
“It was not a date. We ate in near silence, and he brought me back here because he had a meeting to get to. He just wanted to make sure I ate something after dialysis. I told you it was not a big deal.”
So, I’m totally lying. It felt like a huge deal. I just can’t share that with him. That makes me feel like shit. This is my best friend. It just feels wrong to talk to him about a boy. I guess ‘man’ is more appropriate.
“I promise I won’t do that again. You won’t be forced into another situation like that,” Miller says.
I’m not so sure I don’t want to be in another situation like that.
“No worries. Besides, I think I can start driving myself. Dr. Amador came by today, says I’m doing fine.”
“But I like taking care of you, Goose. I’ve always taken care of you. It’s what I do.”
It’s true. I think he needs to take care of me. It’s part of what makes him Miller.
“I know, but it’s not a big deal. How about, if you go out and get shit faced, I drive myself the next morning. Deal?”
“Umm, lesson learned, Goose. I’m done with all that.”
“Okay,” I say sarcastically. I’ve heard that before.
***
The rest of the weekend is boring and drama free. Maggie is scarce. I don’t see her all weekend, just get texts every once in a while to let me know she’s still breathing. Miller works Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. He’s a bartender at a popular bar right on the outskirts of campus, on the opposite side of school from our apartment. While he’s working, I play catch-up with my homework. School has been the last thing on my mind. I should have listened to my parents and dropped down to part time. My classes aren’t hard, my mind is just not where it needs to be. This has been a crazy week, not to mention it feels like it’s lasted a month.
Has is really only been one week since I started dialysis?
It’s taken over my life. I don’t want to do this long term. Everything I do, not that it’s much, has to revolve around those four hour blocks of time on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This will be my new normal.
How depressing is that?
Miller and I spend as much time together as we can when he’s off. Saturday afternoon, we find ourselves back at the park we practically grew up in. We tend to gravitate towards this place when we need a break from life, a recharge of our batteries. It’s a pleasant reminder of simpler times in our lives. We sit under o
ur tree all day, soaking up the sun, eating lunch, and just being together. It feels good. I needed to have a day to rejuvenate my mind and spirit. I feel better than I have in a while. There are no lingering hard feelings from Friday’s episode. In all the drama, I forgot to tell him I am getting on the UNOS list for a transplant.
“Dr. Amador came to see my Friday,” I tell him. We are laying down, Miller on his side, my head using his hip as a pillow. When I tell him about the visit from my doctor, he sits up abruptly, taking me with him.
“Why? What’s wrong?” He does a visual scan of my body, like he can see if something is not as it should be.
“Nothing. He just wanted to check on me. I’m fine. But, while he was there, he convinced me to put my name on the donor registry, UNOS. Ana, the social worker, is setting it up as we speak.”
He’s smiling like I just told him he won the lottery.
“That’s awesome! How did he do it?”
“What?”
“Convince you. It usually takes an act of Congress to get you to agree to anything.”
I think about it for a minute, trying to figure out exactly why I let him do it. Dad’s speech from Wednesday’s visit is still dancing around in my head, but I don’t want to bring that up to Miller. It’s settling in my belly, and in my heart, but the message just hasn’t traveled to my head yet. The more I think about it, the more I want what he talked to me about. I just can’t give in.
“I don’t know.” I sigh and look past Miller’s shoulder at our pond. “My body is wearing me out, Miller. I’m tired of fighting with it. I feel like I’ve been at war with this broken down body my whole life. It’s exhausting. I’m losing my strength to keep it up.”
“I know you’re tired, baby. You shouldn’t have to go through this. But, Luce, we’ve talked about this before. This is not a quick thing. This could take years.” Miller looks so sad. He knows that the chances of me getting a hit on this list are not very good.
“I know. And, if the dialysis is keeping me alive, then we just wait it out.”
“But we don’t have to. What about Maggie? She’ll give you her kidney tomorrow if you only say the words.”
“I am not doing that to her. Not yet. Life or death, maybe. But we are not there yet.”
That shuts him up. You want to start a fight, bring up my sister and her kidneys. Clearly he doesn’t want to waste the day arguing.
“What about your dad?”
“What about him?”
“He’s a match, Lucy. He was tested the same time as Maggie. Maggie is just the better, more viable option. I know she’s is a last resort, but why can’t you consider him?” Miller asks.
This, too, has been brought up before. Dad’s not exactly ideal, but he’s a possibility.
“Mom and Daddy have sacrificed for me since I was young. Mom doesn’t make much teaching, and Daddy works his ass off, picking up extra shifts when he can. Not only are they supporting themselves and trying to replenish the money they used from my last surgery, but now they’re paying my bills since I can’t work anymore. If I ask him for this, he would be out of work for too long. Plus, his extra security jobs on the side would go to other people. They can’t take that hit.”
“Why are you so fucking stubborn?” Miller shakes his head, but does it with a smirk.
“Let’s stop. I don’t want to talk about this. Just hope we find a match on UNOS, and that dialysis keeps me alive in the meantime.”
My death is not a pleasant subject for Miller. It effectively changes the topic of conversation, and we enjoy the last rays of sunshine before we have to head back home.
Chapter Ten
The alarm on my phone pulls me from a deep sleep. I roll over and drag myself out of bed and into the shower. The hot water feels good on my sore body. My back is stiff and aching, courtesy of my remaining kidney and its huge, bulging cysts. After I rinse off, I return to my room and dress in my dialysis uniform.
God, when was the last time I put on real clothes?
Yoga pants and hoodies are my new normal.
I grab a protein bar once I get in the kitchen and see Maggie at the bar, drinking coffee.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” I tease. “You must have the wrong apartment.”
She rolls her eyes and laughs. “Ha ha. You’re such a comedian. I came home Saturday before my shift at work, but you were gone. Hot date?”
“You know it. What are you doing up so early?”
“I’m escorting you to dialysis today.”
“No need. I can drive myself. I’ve been doing pretty good with my treatments,” I tell her.
“Well, at least let me follow you. I haven’t talked to you in days. I can keep you company for a little while. I called Daddy this morning. He’s stopping by, too, on his way to the courthouse. We all miss you.”
Maggie and I walk through the doors of the center and are greeted by the ever-present Rose. For a volunteer, she sure is here a lot, always with a huge smile on her face. She’s making her way around the desk as we walk in. I guess she spotted us when we pulled up. At that moment, I realize Maggie has no clue what happened Friday. Oh shit. Maybe Rose won’t bring it up.
“Lucy, honey, I’m so glad to see you this morning.” She leans up and hugs me. Weird. “How was lunch with Bennett Friday?”
“WHAT?!” I hear from beside me. Cat’s out of the bag now. “Lunch with Bennett?” Maggie screeches.
“Oh, yes, dear. Bennett took Lucy to lunch Friday after her treatment and then took her home.” She is smiling at a shocked looking Maggie. Then, she turns to me. “And, he told me this morning he is taking you to dinner tonight.”
“WHAT?” Simultaneous shrieking is coming from both of us now. I told him no to dinner. I thought he understood and he was going to drop it.
I guess I was wrong.
“Rose, I think you misunderstood. I didn’t tell him I was going to dinner. I told him no.”
With a pat on the arm and a wink, Rose tells me, “I think you’ll be changing your tune, dear. Have a good day. You can head on back.”
Maggie and I start the trek to my seat and we are met by Brittany, who whisks us off to the back for my pre-dialysis routine. She’s in a hurry, not saying much. Perky doesn’t have much perk to her today. When we finish up, she’s practically dragging us down the hall. When we round the corner, I see all the nurses huddled around the middle their station, staring off towards my chair. I hear giggling floating through the air. The sound is not a familiar one here. There is never giggling in this place. Someone’s grandchild must be visiting today.
I look towards the sound, and my heart stops for a few beats. It starts up again, and it’s pounding hard in my throat. My blood is pumping in my ears, and I feel like my chest is about to explode. I stop moving.
I feel it.
It’s that feeling I’ve heard my mother describe incessantly since I was a kid. I always thought she was exaggerating. I didn’t think it actually existed. But this is it. I don’t know how to put it into the eloquent words my mother always uses. I’m staring ahead and I feel like my heart is coming out of my chest. I take in the scene before my eyes. I’m committing the sights and sounds to my memory. I want to lock them up in a box and keep them forever. I want to pull them out when I am feeling desperate, fragile, and broken.
A tiny girl is sitting in my chair. She’s small, maybe four or five years old. It’s hard to tell from here. She’s got dark hair, cut in a little bob, reaching right under her chin. Her skin is pale. She looks like a baby Snow White. She’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her giggles sound like little chiming bells. It’s one of the most delightful sounds I’ve ever heard.
Next to her is Bennett Strickland. He looks huge sitting next to her chubby little body. He’s curled into her, almost in a protective manner, holding a book in his hands. He’s laughing now, too, and the sound literally steals my breath away. It’s a deep, stunning sound. It’s not forced for her benefit. It’s real.
I want to hear it again.
I want to cause it.
I want it all for myself.
Every single day for the rest of my life.
He starts reading the book, and she’s laughing again, obviously at the silly voices he’s using to read. She looks up from the pages of the book while he’s reading and pulls on his sleeve.
“Bennett, is that Lucy?” she asks, pointing a chubby finger right at me.
I’m dumbfounded by her question.
He looks up and smiles. Giving the book to the little girl, he makes his way over to me. When he gets close he leans in, wrapping his arm loosely around my waist. I think I may hit the floor at any second. Thank God he’s holding me. Well, except for the fact that he can probably feel my heart pounding through my jacket. Now he knows what he’s doing to me.
“Lucy, I need your help here. She’s scared and I’m trying to fix this for her. Just go with it.” His breath fans out across my cheek and ear. It’s causing a sensation through my body that I want to experience again and again. I feel like I’m on fire.
My ability to speak is lost at the moment, so I just nod my head. Surprisingly, Maggie’s at a loss, as well. This is new. Bennett leads me to the chair right next to the little girl. Upon closer inspection, she’s even lovelier than I thought. She has dark eyebrows that frame her round eyes. I expected them to be dark, but they are such a light blue they are almost gray.
I get seated, taking off my jacket and handing it to Maggie. For once, I don’t hesitate. If this little girl can do it, I’ll be damned if I show an ounce of trepidation.
“Hi,” I say, smiling at her little face. I’m Lucy. Who are you?”
She doesn’t answer right away. She’s studying me.
“You look like a princess,” she says.
“I think you look like a princess. What’s your name?” I ask again.
More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One Page 7