Bennett and I stay on the deserted beach for breakfast. He’s packed us a basket with a wide assortment of delicious pastries and juices. We eat, and then head back to the house to shower. When we are finished with a quite interactive and entertaining shower together, we sit down and call my parents’ house. We put it on speaker, expecting Mom or Dad to answer, but it’s Ava.
“Hello?” A sweet child’s voice says.
“Claire, are you alright? You sound like you’ve shrunk. What happened?” he says, making Ava laugh.
I love that sound. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it.
“Bennett, it’s me, Ava. I’m at Mrs. Claire’s house. She and Mr. Thomas came to get me really early this morning. I get to live here now. I get to sleep in Lucy’s old room.”
“That’s the best news ever,” he tells her.
“Hey, Ava,” I chime in.
“Lucy, can I sleep in your old room? Your mom said I could.”
“Of course, sweetheart. You can even sleep with my old dolls and stuffed animals and play with all my toys from when I was little. My mom saved all of my stuff. Would you like that?”
“Yes. I can’t wait. And I can’t wait to show you all my new stuff. It’s awesome!”
“Bennett and I will come see you tomorrow. Can I talk to my mom or dad?”
I hear her scream for them and I smile. It’s good to see she’s already feeling at home. Dad’s deep voice comes over the phone and the smile on my face deepens. I haven’t seen him recently. That man works too much.
“Hey Goose.”
“Hey Daddy. Sounds like you’ve got your hands full over there.”
He laughs. “Your mom is so happy, Goose. They both are. It’s quite a sight. It reminds me of when you girls were little and runnin’ around this place. When are you comin’ to see me? I miss that face.”
“Tomorrow, Daddy.”
“Good. Bring Bennett with you. We want to talk to him about Ava’s treatments and appointments she’s got comin’ up. That place she was in didn’t know shit. I’m glad she’s here with us. Hell, your mom’s already called the lawyer for an appointment. She’s ready to push for adoption.” He laughs. “She’s crazy. We’re too old for this shit.”
“No, y’all are not. Besides, this will keep you young.”
Just then, I hear a crash, followed by Mom and Ava’s muffled laughter.
“Sounds like you need to go,” I laugh. “I’ll see y’all tomorrow.”
“Can’t wait. Love you, Goose,” Daddy says, and then the line goes dead.
Bennett is smiling and shaking his head.
“Come on, Lucy. Let’s get you on that beach.”
“Ummm, I’m pretty sure you already had me on the beach,” I tell him as I walk out the kitchen. That earns me a swat on the ass.
The day is perfect. If I would have conjured it up in my mind, I couldn’t have made it better. After our phone call, Bennett gets anything and everything we could possibly need and sets up a spot for us down at the water’s edge. He has an ice chest loaded down with all my favorite drinks. I’m jealous of the fact that he gets ice cold beer and I have to stick to water and juice, but looking at him all day in his swimsuit is a fair trade-off. He loves the outdoors, so he does most of his working out and running outside. His skin has a deep, golden hue to it already. His hair looks lighter than usual in the Florida sun. My tan’s not too shabby, but his could put anyone’s to shame. He frowns at my modesty, but I opt for a bikini bottom and thin, light, long sleeved shirt. I’m still not wild about displaying my scars, both on my torso and my arm. Plus, the skin on my arm around my fistula is sensitive and prone to infection. I don’t want to do anything to upset it.
We spend as much time as we can during the day on the beach. I have to make a few trips inside to get out of the heat, even though I have an umbrella to sit under. We play Frisbee, and go for long walks along the water. We talk about everything and about nothing. All the time we normally spend together seems so intense. This time doesn’t have that feel to it, which is nice. We are so relaxed and carefree. It is just what I wanted.
I should have known it wouldn’t last.
Chapter Eighteen
We originally planned to drive home Sunday night, but with the news of Ava being fostered by Mom and Daddy, we decide to head home when we wake up Sunday. Our obligatory Wednesday night dinner is being changed to Sunday night so we can celebrate. Bennett and I are reluctant to leave the beach. It’s like if we just stay here, nothing can touch us, nothing bad can happen. We linger as long as we can, but finally have to make the move to leave.
“Thank you for this Bennett,” I tell him as we’re pulling away from the house. “You don’t know what this weekend meant to me. It was perfect.”
“It was, wasn’t it?” he says, squeezing my knee.
“I’ll never forget it.”
“We’ll come back soon, I promise,” he tells me. I don’t say anything back. That nagging voice is back, telling me that it’s never going to happen. So, I just smile at him, close my eyes, and try to replay each and every memory I can, getting ready to store them away.
When we get back to town, we take a quick detour to the hospital. Bennett wants to grab all of Ava’s files from his office to review with my parents. Now that Mom and Dad are legally responsible for her, he can disclose all of her information.
When we arrive, Ava meets us in the driveway, almost knocking the two of us over with all her excitement. She drags us through the house on a tour, with one hand in mine and the other in Bennett’s. I sneak away while she’s showing him all of her new clothes and head back downstairs.
“Lucy, honey, how was your trip?” Mom asks, surrounded by mountains of paperwork at the kitchen island. She looks tired, but happy.
“Great. What is all that?” I ask, nodding towards what she’s working on.
“Curriculum guides and teacher’s manuals. Ava wasn’t enrolled in school, she was home schooled. I’m taking a sabbatical so I can stay with her and pick up where they left off. They said she wasn’t healthy enough to go to school and it was too hard on her because of the dialysis and the hours she spent at the center. So, I’ll either do it myself, or find someone to do it for me.”
Wow. How are they going to do this? Mom has time saved up, but she can’t do it forever. How are they going to afford this? I don’t ask, because Ava and Bennett come into the kitchen.
“Lucy, can you take me outside to swing?”
“Sure, sweetie.”
I take her though the back, just as I see Mom clearing one mountain of paperwork to make room for another. Bennett has Ava’s files open and is laying them out across the table. I laugh as she digs out another notebook in her colossal purse. Ava and I now have matching notebooks. I guess she really is a part of the family.
I grab her little hand in mine and we head outside. I push her on the old tire swing for a while when I see Daddy coming out of the house. Ava decides she wants to slide, so I leave her for a minute to go sit with him on the porch swing.
“Hey, old man. How you doin’ with all this?” I ask, tilting my head in Ava’s direction.
“She’s a pistol, Goose. Not any different than two other little girls that grew up here,” he tells me with a grin. “Your momma and Bennett are making my head spin in there. I had to come out for some fresh air.”
“Is this not what you want, Dad?”
“No, it’s not that. I just needed a little break from the medical lesson. I want to hear about you.”
“Not much to tell, Daddy. Same dance, different day.”
He gives me a look. “Don’t spout that bullshit at me, little girl. I know better,” he says nudging against me with his shoulder. “Now, try again.”
I smile at him, tilting my chin down. That familiar heat is making its way to my cheeks. I feel embarrassed to admit how I’m feeling to my family. “I’m just happy. I feel good but I’m absolutely terrified, all at the same time.”
/> “That’s love, Goose.”
Just then, we hear Ava’s sweet voice screaming across the yard.
“Mr. Thomas, come push me.”
“I’m too old for this shit,” he mumbles under his breath, but walks towards the swing with a huge smile on his face.
“I’m comin’, girl.”
God, I love my Daddy. Ava’s a lucky girl to have him. We all are.
Dinner goes off without a hitch. It’s a little livelier with the addition of Ava. Maggie couldn’t get out of work on such short notice, so it’s just the five of us. Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs, per Ava’s request. Our conversations are light and easy, which feels good. Ava talks nonstop, telling us all about what she has planned to do with Mom and Dad. Mom and Ava are sporting matching smiles, and Daddy is just shaking his head. He’s fighting a smile, though. He’s eating this up.
This dinner is the perfect way to end my weekend. I could listen to Ava talking about princesses, fairies, and her favorite Disney movies all day long. The mindless chatter is a perfect way to keep my mind off tomorrow.
I’m not looking forward to the morning, when I make the return to reality. I have a feeling of dread that I can’t shake off. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I want to rewind time, freeze it, and stay in this perfect weekend forever. If only we lived in one of those fairy tales that Ava has been talking nonstop about.
***
I walk into the center, and the smells that assault me make me sick. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t handle it. I’m done. I’m tired of being broken. I want this all to stop. I just want to scream over the frustration and unfairness of the whole situation. I can feel a panic attack of epic proportions coming when hands come to my shoulders.
“Lucy, you look so rested, dear. How was the beach?” asks Rose, pulling me out of my thoughts and preventing a meltdown in the middle of the lobby.
I muster up a smile for her.
“Oh, it was great. I wish I was still there,” I tell her. It’s true. I wish that more than anything else in this world.
“I don’t blame you. I’d stay at the beach with that Bennett forever, too,” she says with a wink.
Rose is feeling saucy this morning. That gets her a genuine smile. I head to the back. In addition to the usual, Brittany reminds me that Dr. Amador wanted me to schedule an appointment to review my labs and check on how things are going. I completely forgot about running into him before Bennett and I left Friday. That seems like a lifetime ago. I’ll call him when I get settled in. I don’t want to think about it just yet.
My mom and Ava are waiting for me when I get to my spot. Ava looks tired, but she’s still excited to see me. Mom tells me that they are meeting up with Dad after her appointment and heading to the lawyer’s office to get the petition for adoption started. She doesn’t want to prolong this. Ava needs a family, and Mom is ready to give that to her.
I try to stay awake to visit with them, but I can’t keep my eyes open. This weekend has taken a toll on my body. I just need to sleep. Mom and Ava wake me up when they leave, but I drift right back off. An hour later, I’m woken up again when Brittany is unhooking me.
“Lucy, honey, do you have plans when you leave here?” she asks.
That’s weird.
“Not really. Just heading home to eat and catch up on homework.”
“Dr. Amador’s office called. Can you run across the street? He wants to see you.”
They must have gotten my labs back already.
“You told me I’m supposed to make an appointment for later this week. I think I’ll just stick to doing that,” I tell her.
“Lucy, they want you to walk over now. Do you want me to take you over there? I have a few minutes before my next patient comes.”
I just shake my head. I pack my stuff quickly, and get the hell out of there. I don’t even tell Rose bye when she calls out to me.
***
I can’t listen any more. I can hear Dr. Amador, but it’s not sinking in. He’s rattling off lab values and throwing around words like BUN, creatinine, Kt/V, decreased renal function, increasing frequency of treatment, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I want to scream at him to ‘Shut the fuck up’. I can feel my body curling into itself. I’m not doing this. I will not sit here and listen to him tell me all this torment I’m putting myself through isn’t fucking working. I’m balled up in the chair, covering my ears, my head down, my nails digging into my scalp.
Why won’t he just shut up?!
He finally stops. Thank God! I don’t move a muscle, terrified he will start up again. I’m not sure how long I sit there, but I see his feet move from his chair and go to the door. Good. Maybe he’s leaving and I can just stay here forever.
I hear him say, “I didn’t know what else to do. Her parents aren’t answering their phones.”
He must have paged Bennett. I smell his familiar scent before he gets to me. I can’t do this, either. He gets to the chair, and squats before me.
“Lucy, look at me,” he says, trying to pry my arms off my head.
Nothing.
“Luce, I need your eyes. Please, look at me.”
Nope. I’m not doing this.
“Fuck,” I hear him say under his breath.
“Please, Lucy. You’re scaring me.”
He wraps his arms around my body. He lifts me from the chair and sits in it, putting me on his lap. I make no move to change my position. He cradles my broken body, holds me tight, and asks Dr. Amador to explain what’s going on.
“Lucy, can I talk to Bennett about your lab results?” he asks.
Nothing.
“Lucy, he just wants to help you. Give me something. A nod, a thumbs up, anything. Something so I know I can talk to him,” Dr. Amador says.
I give the slightest jerk of one of my elbows and he launches into his medical jargon. Only this time, someone is there to ask questions and get clarification on things. I get much more information the second time around. Information I don’t want. I start screaming, yelling, hitting, slapping, scratching, crying, panicking. I feel like hands are wrapped around my throat, trying to strangle the life right out of me. I’m flailing in Bennett’s arms, and he is just holding me and taking it. I’m pounding on him with all the strength I can muster, screaming in his face like a fucking lunatic. He’s trying to contain me. I beat on him for minutes, or maybe even hours. I don’t know. I scream and hit until I’ve worked myself into exhaustion. I barely have the energy to slip out of his hold and crawl along the floor to the garbage can before I lose the contents of my stomach.
After that, I black out.
My life is over.
I wake up with soft evening light coming through Bennett’s bedroom windows. My eyes open, and I see him sitting on the edge of the bed, just staring at me. I’m confused, disoriented. All at once, images of the afternoon flood my brain. Sobs take over my body. Jesus Christ. What is going on? He crawls over to me and just holds me, lets me have my cry. It takes a while to get it all out.
“Feel better?” he asks, smoothing my hair away from my face with the gentlest of touches.
“I don’t know. Bennett, I don’t understand what’s going on. I’m scared,” I admit on a whisper.
His sympathetic eyes rake over my face and he tells me what I feared to be true. “Well, in a nutshell, you’re not responding to dialysis like Amador hoped. Your renal function has decreased. The next step is to increase your treatments. He wants you dialyzing five days a week, three hours a day.”
He can see the panic rising. He’s holding me and rocking me for comfort, like you would a small child. I’m a fucking mess.
“Lucy, this is not uncommon. Adjustments have to be made. This is just a bump in the road. So, he’s doing this, and also changing around some of your meds, and we will revisit it soon to see if we can maintain your current numbers.”
He’s telling me this so calmly. He’s detaching himself from this whole thing… Bennett’s in doctor mode. I think about my earlier
reaction in the office and a fresh wave of tears hit. How could I have done that to him?
“Bennett, I’m so sorry.”
“For what, your kidney function? Not your fault, sweet girl.”
“No, for what I did to you. You didn’t deserve that. You must hate me.”
“Never, Lucy. There’s nothing you could do to make me hate you.”
“So, when are we doing this?” I ask.
“You need to start tomorrow. Luce, you do know that home dialysis is an option, right? You could handle all of this here or at your apartment and not have to go to the center every day. I could do it all for you. You would just have to go in every four weeks or so to do labs and meet with Amador. You might like that better.”
“No,” I tell him immediately, shaking my head.
The social worker at the center gave me that option when I found out I had to start dialysis. Mom, Maggie, and Miller even went through hours upon hours of rigorous training needed to be my care givers, but it was never an option for me. I need this part of my life separate.
“If I do that, it will always be in my face. I won’t ever be able to escape it. I need an escape. I don’t want it invading my home, or yours. I can’t have that machine in my personal space.”
“Okay, sweet girl. Come on, let me feed you,” he says, lifting me from the bed effortlessly.
“I can walk,” I tell him.
“I know. But this is way more fun.”
Chapter Nineteen
After dialysis, I find myself at my parent’s house. I can’t bring myself to go to my apartment, and Bennett is working. I want to be with my mom, but the house is empty. Bennett explained to me last night that while I was sleeping he called my parents and talked to them about my appointment. He didn’t want me to have to do the initial discussion. So, he gave them all the medical bullshit, and I called later last night to talk about the rest. They were clearly upset, but they are positive that this will work. Bennett also told me that we are not giving this much time. Dr. Amador is letting me try this for six weeks, then it’s transplant time. Maggie and I were matched years ago. So, the process will be fairly simple. We will have to rerun all of the tests so they are more current, and then do the surgery. I have always considered this my last resort. Well, looks like I’m all out of options. Either this new dialysis regimen has got to work or I get a kidney from Maggie. Getting one from UNOS would be a miracle. I haven’t been on the list long enough. That could still be several years away. I just don’t have that kind of time.
More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One Page 15