She laughed and relief surged through him.
Why do I care so much what she thinks of me?
“Why are you writing the book?” She asked, her catlike eyes displaying a genuine spark of curiosity.
“I want to inspire people,” he replied simply. “To make them believe they can change their lives.”
“So, what inspired you then?”
Shall I give her the sanitised version from my bio? Or…
He wanted to share things with her. Wanted to reconnect with her.
“Well, I told you I used to mess about a lot at school…”
“Behind the bike sheds?” she asked.
“Yep, behind the bike sheds, in the classroom, wherever really.” He kept his tone serious. “So, I got into quite a bit of trouble. That all changed the night my best mate Matthew decided to nick a car and ended up totalling it, rolling down an embankment. I was in the back and I got off with a broken shoulder and a few bruises. Matthew was dead on impact. My other friend Paul was in the passenger seat and he ended up in a wheelchair.”
Tash stared at him, transfixed. She’d twisted round so now she was facing him, her knee touching his.
“Oh god, that’s awful. I’m sorry,” she said, placing one of her hands over his.
“You asked what inspired me to change my life. That was it, realising I was throwing it away.” Nate exhaled. “Then I discovered there were ways you could succeed and make money without passing exams. Luckily I was good with numbers. I suppose that’s why this book matters so much to me. Not just to show Miss Pringle, although I am thinking of sending her a signed copy.”
Tash laughed. “I can see how that would be satisfying.”
“I want people to see that no matter what life has dealt them they can find a way to turn things around, get back on track. Sometimes all someone needs is a little help. There’s no shame in it. We all need a helping hand occasionally.”
Tash picked up her drink again, her expression wistful as she raised a glass to her lips. Something told him she got why his book mattered more than most people. More than Madeleine or Greg or Rob ever could.
Tash wasn’t a distraction from his book, she was a reminder of why he needed to get it right. Plus being here helped him to remember who he really was, the man before fame had turned things a little crazy.
“So, why are you in here, drinking on your own?” he asked.
Tash looked away. “I wasn’t on my own, I was with Sophie and Amelia until recently. They were looking at wedding magazines.”
The face she pulled it would have been comical if he hadn’t glimpsed the flicker of naked pain, quickly masked by the grimace.
“I guess that would be enough to drive someone to drink,” he said.
He also guessed Tash was used to using alcohol to mask her emotions.
This time it was his turn to put a hand on top of hers.
“I just feel a little left behind. Like everyone else has got their lives sorted out and I…haven’t.” Tash bit her lip.
“Oh, the magic ‘everyone ,’” he said. “People usually feel a hell of a lot less sorted than the image they project to the rest of the world.”
“Even you?” She snorted. “You’re sorted, surely?”
“Maybe not so much as you think,” he said. “You know I lost all my money when I was twenty-four?”
“Really?”
“Yes, I lost my first company.” He shrugged. “You’d be surprised how many successful entrepreneurs have actually lost everything and been pretty successful failures at one time or another.”
“That surprises me.”
“The difference is we wallow for maybe a day or two and then we get off our arses and make it all back again.”
“Just like that?”
“It’s hard work, I’m not saying it isn’t,” Nate paused. “I suppose what I’m trying to say is that things can change. We can change them. I’ve got lots of case studies I’m using in my book that prove it.”
Tash really wanted it to be true. She stared down at Nate’s hand on hers.
“Everything changes,” he added. “The question is whether you want things to happen to you or you want to be the one making things happen.”
“Things do seem to be happening to me recently,” Tash said, her mind racing.
“So, you need to think about what you want out of life and work out how you’re going to get it,” Nate said.
Damn good intentions, who needed them?
I want you.
How could she ignore the desire pulsing through her body? She wanted Nate, needed him to help her push away the pain. She licked her lips and placed her other hand on his knee.
“I can think of something I’d like right now.” She put as much emphasis into her words and smile as she could.
“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea,” Nate said.
It felt like he’d slapped her. She physically recoiled in shock, yanking her hand out from beneath his and her other hand off his knee. Then she slipped from her bar stool, unsteady on her feet.
Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
“Tash,” Nate called her name but she fled to the exit, not looking back.
She stepped outside and the freezing air assaulted her. She didn’t care. She welcomed the numbing cold, hoping it could numb her completely.
Wrapping her arms around her body, she stood still for a moment, indecision freezing her as much as the temperature.
Where do I go now?
Horrid, familiar bleakness crept over her like a shroud.
This is where I always end up – rejected. On my own. It’s why I decided never to put myself in these situations.
Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
It felt like a trapdoor had opened and she was falling.
I wasn’t even worth a second go.
She whimpered, desperately trying to swallow back the pain, the humiliation throbbing through her body.
“Tash, wait.” Nate put his hand on her arm and she shook it free.
Snowflakes began to fall from the darkening sky, growing increasingly thicker. They landed on Tash’s hair and stung her cheeks.
“Will you please let me explain?” Nate glanced up at the snow-laden sky as though he’d only just noticing it was snowing.
“It’s fine, there’s nothing to explain.” Tash stamped her feet on the impacted snow at the edge of the pavement.
“There is. Look you’re freezing, put my jacket on and wait here while I go back in and pay. Then we can walk back together.”
Nate draped his jacket over her shoulders and headed back inside. Tash waited until he was out of sight and then she set off, walking briskly and taking a detour so he wouldn’t find her on the obvious route back to Chalet Repos.
Why did I proposition him? Why? When will I learn?
It was simple – don’t form attachments and don’t open yourself up to rejection. It had worked for her so far. Living with Holly and Sophie had made her soft. Well, he needn’t think she was going to humiliate herself again. She’d been stupid to share. Stupid to imagine she was good enough for Nate.
Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
Nate’s jacket carried his scent. It brought back memories of him kissing her neck, him making love to her. She pulled it tighter around her body. As she walked through Verbier, not caring or knowing she was going, silent tears ran down her cheeks.
This wasn’t going to break her. She’d survived worse. Much worse. She just had to toughen up again. There would be other warm beds to share.
She squashed down an inner protest that she didn’t want other men.
I will survive this. And Nate can go take a flying leap into a snowdrift.
Nate supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised that Tash had run out on him for a second time before he’d had a chance to explain. It seemed to be a bit of a habit of hers. He’d looked for her but hadn’t been able to find any trace. Eventually he’d been forced back to Chalet Repos by th
e cold, comforted that at least she had his jacket on.
Blast the girl, couldn’t she have waited two minutes? But deep down he understood. She was like a wounded animal, terrified to trust, biting out at any rescuers in a desperate attempt to protect itself.
He hadn’t seen her at the chalet the next day, though he had checked she got home safely. In her absence he’d been trying to get as many words down as possible. Then yesterday he had seen her but there’d always been other people around. She’d blanked him at dinner, refusing to meet his eyes.
Now he was supposed to be going to some remote mountain cabin with her. Maybe this meant he’d actually get a chance to talk to her.
I’ve got a decision to make.
Nate stared into the flames of the fire, abandoning the attempt to read through what he’d written earlier on his iPad.
He wanted Tash, no question. But she was damaged, vulnerable. A month long fling ran the risk of hurting her even more. If it was just about sex maybe he could walk away but there was this persistent sense of connection, the surprise appearance of genuine feelings for her.
Feelings that had stopped him saying ‘yes’ to her offer in the bar. If he was going to make love to her again he had to be sure they both wanted more than the kind of fling that could only damage her more.
Because this connection between them could become something…more. Something special.
That could be difficult if she refused to talk to him.
“Everything okay?” Scott’s voice broke through Nate’s thoughts.
“Yeah, sure.” Nate blinked and smiled. “Just chilling.”
“So, you’re enjoying Verbier so far?” Scott asked.
“Definitely.” Nate tried to turn his thoughts back to business. “I agree with you that now is a prime time for investment, particularly with everything that’s going into the mountain biking trails. It makes it a more year-round proposition.”
Scott face relaxed. “And you’re getting on okay with Tash…and Rebecca?”
Rebecca had clearly been an afterthought. Scott’s way of being polite.
“Tash has been looking after me, yes.” Nate knew that the double meaning of his words would not be lost on Scott.
“She’s a great girl,” Scott said . “A very loyal friend and worker. In that order.”
“But fragile?” Nate asked.
Scott stared thoughtfully into the fire, considering the question. “Tash is tough. She’s strong. Don’t mistake her vulnerability for weakness. Um, probably too much information, sorry. It’s not for me to get involved.”
“As we’re getting personal - when did you know that Holly was right for you?” Nate asked.
Scott looked surprised. “Well, that would be when she took a client’s bra out from under her sweater. Long story, you had to be there. The thing is, I think you know fairly soon, on a deeper level, it just takes your mind a while to catch up.”
Nate stared back into the fire. That made sense. For all his soul-searching, there was an insistent drum beating deep inside him, telling him Tash was the girl for him.
She helps me to remember the real me.
With everything that came with the TV series and the trappings of success and money it was easy to slip into his public persona. People expected him to be exactly how he was on the TV show. All the time. He was never allowed to be in a bad mood or to have an off day. He’d got used to it, or thought he had. But far from distracting him, Tash had reminded him what was really important.
And I don’t give a toss what Madeleine or anyone else thinks. I’ve never cared what other people think so why start now?
He needed to talk to Tash. He was going to make sure she listened to him if he had to pin her down or tie her up again so that she couldn’t run away until he’d had his say.
Chapter 7
“I’ve arranged it so you can be alone with Nathaniel tonight,” Rebecca said, beaming, clearly expecting Tash’s undying gratitude.
“You have?” Tash widened her eyes, heart pounding hard. She shouldn’t be surprised. The fact she’d been avoiding Nate and ignoring him in public would only convince the others that they were at it like rabbits.
She didn’t know how she felt about being alone with him at the mountain cabin. Part of her desperately wanted to be with him again, to recapture the intimacy she’d experienced with him at Bar des Amis, to glimpse the optimism and sense anything might be possible again.
Sure, he has the power to lift you up. But he also has the power to smash you into tiny pieces.
“Yes.” Rebecca smiled. “I was being…immature and I’m sorry, really I am.”
Tash smiled awkwardly back, trying hard to focus on Rebecca and ignore the emotional maelstrom inside her. “I’m sorry too. Thank you for arranging things but I’m not sure…not sure…um.”
She felt too ashamed to admit Nate had knocked her back the last time he had the opportunity.
Rebecca stepped forward and gave Tash a quick hug, startling her. They’d never hugged before.
She feels sorry for me.
This was one of the very good reasons why she never shared her story. Pity embarrassed her and she didn’t want it. But Rebecca was making an effort and this wasn’t the time to be difficult. She hugged Rebecca back, engulfed by her perfume.
Chanel no 5, of course.
Maybe Rebecca now had her eye on Greg or Robert. Tash’s protective antenna twitched but she bit back her instincts to say anything. It was Rebecca’s life. She’d be her friend, be there if she needed someone to talk to.
Like Sophie had been for her.
At the moment she had a much scarier conversation to face.
Nate smiled when they met at the Ski-Doos. She stared down at the snow.
She shouldn’t have run out on him. It was immature. The past few days had given her time to think. She hadn’t had any alcohol and hadn’t been out except to ski.
Things were changing and throwing a tantrum wasn’t going to stop them. It was time to find a way forward. Maybe she could ask Holly and Scott for more responsibility. They were moving out so perhaps she could volunteer to oversee Chalet Repos?
Nate had at least got her thinking. And he had a right turn her down if he wanted to.
Okay, she wasn’t really okay with that last bit but she knew she ought to be. That had to count for something, surely?
She ended up sitting behind Nate on the Ski-Doo, arms around his waist. The noise of the engine made conversation difficult so she tried to rehearse what she needed to say to him, her heart beating so hard she was sure he must be able to feel it.
When they got to the hut, Tash let go of Nate reluctantly and slid off the Ski-Doo into the pristine, deep snow. She barely heard Emily and Jake’s speech to the group about what they should do in an emergency.
Just being alone with Nate felt pretty catastrophic. Falling sick or keeping warm in bad weather conditions hardly registered in comparison. Rebecca’s knowing smirk and Madeleine’s disapproving stare as they split up barely registered either.
I feel sick.
When the group moved off she couldn’t look at Nate. She grabbed her bedroll and bag and made her way into the hut, her heart still pounding. She began assembling firelighters and kindling in the stove. Anything to avoid looking at him.
“Hey, let me do that.” Nate crouched down next to her and touched her elbow.
“It’s okay,” Tash mumbled, staring down.
“No, something’s not okay,” Nate replied calmly. “Okay, we’ll get the fire going but then you and I are going to have a talk. If you try to run away again I warn you I’ll track you down and bring you back over my shoulder if I have to. I’ll go get the logs.”
Tash rocked back on the heels of her boots as Nate left the hut, almost tempted to run to see if he’d actually do it.
The image of him doing just that flashed into her mind. Sexual desire flickered inside her, consuming her.
I can’t do this. But I have to.
Once the fire had been lit and they’d unpacked their bedrolls and sleeping bags Tash summoned the courage to break the silence.
“I’m sorry I ran out on you at the bar.” She stared at the flames licking the logs and remembered how it had felt to have his tongue on her skin.
Cherished, and so alive. Gloriously alive. Happy.
She struggled to understand why it couldn’t happen again, her self-protective instincts competing with the sexual desire and an overwhelming visceral longing which was flooding her body.
She bit her lip, conflicting thoughts warring in her mind, unable to look at him.
Unable to breathe.
“You didn’t give me a chance to explain why I didn’t think sleeping together was a good idea the other night.” Nate’s voice was steady, calming her.
“No, I didn’t but it’s okay.” Tash tried to keep her tone light. “You didn’t want to, that’s your choice.”
“I never said I didn’t want to,” Nate said.
She turned towards him then, meeting his piercing stare. Her heartbeat picked up again, her skin prickled. She didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to let her spirits rise in case he didn’t mean it.
Even if he does want to sleep with you again you know he shouldn’t. How are you going to feel when he sods off back to London?
“Then why…” she stared at him, trying to read him, not wanting to humiliate herself again.
“Why did I turn you down?” He asked.
“Yes,” she said, forcing herself to remember to breathe.
“I think it’s very easy to use drink or sex as a way of avoiding dealing with difficult emotions. I could tell you weren’t okay that day and it felt like sleeping with me was just your way of shutting down.”
“I see.” She wanted to look away but forced herself to keep facing him. “It might have been…a little bit, that day. And I used to do that a lot but…it feels different with you. Like I’m remembering myself, not forgetting myself which it usually feels like, you know?”
“Yes, I think I do,” he replied. “And just because I didn’t think it was a good idea the other night doesn’t mean that I don’t think it’s right another time.”
Tash’s breath caught at the top of her chest.
Rebellion of a Chalet Girl: (A Novella) (Ski Season, Book 5) Page 9