by Maya Banks
And it was so refreshing to hear it, a completely different perspective, her doubts about opening up to him quashed now as she saw the last painful months through different eyes.
“In the end he spent so much time at work there really wasn’t much room for anything else...”
“Anything else?” Dante asked, painfully direct, and Matilda took a gulp of her drink then nodded.
“You know, for months I’ve been going over and over it, wondering if I was just imagining things, if Edward was right, that it was my fault he couldn’t...” She snapped her mouth closed. In an unguarded moment she’d revealed way, way more than she’d intended and she halted the conversation there, hoping that Dante would take the cue and do the same, but he was way too sharp.
“What was your fault?”
“Nothing.” Matilda’s voice was high. “Wasn’t what I told you reason enough to end things?”
“Of course.”
Silence hung in the air. As understanding as Dante might have been, he certainly couldn’t help her with the rest. There was no way she could go there, the words that had been said agony to repeat even to herself. It was none of his damn business anyway.
“You know, people like Edward normally don’t respond too well to their own failings—they’d rather make you feel like shit than even consider that they had a problem.” His voice was deep and unusually gentle, and though she couldn’t bring herself to look at him she could feel his eyes on her. His insight floored her. She felt transparent, as if somehow he had seen into the deepest, darkest part of her and somehow shed light on it, somehow pried open the lid on her shame. And it was madness, sheer madness that she wanted to open it up more, to let out the pain that was curled up inside there...to share it with Dante.
“He said that it was my fault...” Matilda gagged on the words, screwed her eyes closed, as somehow she told him, told him what she hadn’t been able to tell even some of her closest friends. “That maybe if I was more interesting, made a bit more effort, that he wouldn’t look at other women, that he wouldn’t have...” She couldn’t go there, couldn’t tell him everything, she could feel the icy chill of perspiration between her breasts, could feel her neck and her face darkening in the shame of the harsh, cruel words that had been uttered.
“I would imagine that it’s incredibly difficult to be amazing in bed when you’ve been ignored all evening!” Her closed eyes snapped open, her mouth gaping as Dante, as direct as ever, got straight to the point. “I would think it would be impossible, in fact, to give completely of yourself when you’re wondering who he’s really holding—whether it’s the woman in his arms or the one you caught him chatting to at the bar earlier.”
And she hadn’t anticipated crying, but as his words tore through her only then did she truly acknowledge the pain, the pain that had been there for so long now, the bitter aftermath that had lingered long after she’d moved out and moved on with her life. But they were quiet tears, no sobs, no real outward display of emotion other than the salty rivers that ran down her smeared cheeks, stinging her reddened face as Dante gently spoke on, almost hitting the mark but not quite. She’d revealed so much to him, but her ultimate shame was still locked inside.
“It was him with the problem, not you.” His accent was thick.
“He said the same thing—the other way around, of course.” Matilda sniffed. “I guess it’s a matter of opinion who’s right! I spent the last few months trying to get back what we’d once had, trying to make it work, but in the end...” She shook her head, unwilling now to go on, the last painful rows still too raw for shared introspection. Thankfully Dante sensed it, offering her another drink from the bottle they’d practically finished, but Matilda declined. “What about you?”
“Me?” Dante frowned.
“What about your relationship?” Matilda ventured.
“What about it?”
“You said that it wasn’t perfect...”
“No.” Dante shook his head.
“You did,” Matilda insisted.
“I said that I knew that they were not all perfect—it doesn’t mean I was referring to mine.”
Matilda knew he was lying and she also knew that he was closing the subject, yet she refused to leave it there. She’d revealed so much of herself, had felt close to a man for the first time in ages and didn’t want it to end like this, didn’t want Dante to shut her out all over again.
“You said that you wanted to fix your problems, Dante,” Matilda quoted softly. “What were they?”
“Does it matter now?” Dante asked, swilling the wine around his glass and refusing to look at her. “As you said, there are always two sides—is it fair to give mine when Jasmine isn’t here to give hers?”
“I think so,” Matilda breathed, chewing on her bottom lip. And even if her voice was tentative, she reeled at her boldness, laid her heart on the line a little bit more, bracing herself for pain as she did so. “If you want to get close to someone then you have to give a bit of yourself—even the bad bits.”
“And you want to get close?”
He did look at her this time, and she stared back transfixed, a tiny nervous nod affirming her want. “Tell me about you, how you’re feeling...”
“Which part of hell do you want to visit?”
She didn’t flinch, didn’t say anything, just stared back, watching as slowly he placed his glass on the table. His elbows on his knees, he raked a hand through his hair and so palpable was his pain Matilda was sure if she lifted her hand she’d be able to reach out and touch it. She held her breath as finally he looked up and stared at her for the longest time before speaking.
“Always there is...” He didn’t get to start, let alone finish. A piercing scream from the intercom made them both jump. He picked up the intercom, which had been placed on the coffee table, and stood up. “I have to go to her and then I think I’ll head to bed, I’ve got a pile of paperwork to read. ’Night, Matilda.”
“Let me help with her...”
“She doesn’t like strangers.” The shutters were up, his black eyes dismissing her, the fragile closeness they had so nearly created evaporating in that instant.
“Dante...” Matilda called, but he wasn’t listening, her words falling on his departing back as he closed the door behind him. “Don’t make me one.”
Chapter 7
Predictably, Katrina had a plumber screeching up the driveway within seconds of Dante’s chopper lifting off the smooth lawn, and Matilda could almost envisage her bags being moved yet again, but quietly hoped for a miracle. And it wasn’t all about Dante. Waking up to the most glorious sunrise, stretching like a lazy cat in the scrummy bed, as superficial as it might be, Matilda was terribly reluctant to leave her very nice surroundings.
* * *
“White ants!” Katrina almost choked on her Earl Grey as the plumber she had summoned popped his head around the kitchen door and Matilda smothered a smile as she loaded a tray with coffee to take out to the workers for their break. “Well, surely you can replace the water system and then we’ll get the place treated once...” She managed to stop herself from saying it, but the unspoken words hung in the air and Matilda took great interest in filling up the sugar bowl as Katrina paused and then, rather more carefully, spoke on. “Just sort out the water, please. It doesn’t all have to be done today.”
“Can’t do, I’m afraid,” he said cheerfully. “The wall’s not stable enough to hold a new system.
The place needs to be treated and then some of the walls will have to be replaced—it’s going to be a big job.”
* * *
It wasn’t the only big job the next couple of days unearthed.
Katrina practically moved into Dante’s, appearing long before he went to work and staying well into the night when Dante finally got home—not that Matilda really noticed. All her energies were taken up with the garden—her efficient start to the job but a distant memory as problems compounded problems. The glorious willow tree had roots that weren’t quite as wondrous, thwarting Matilda’s carefully lain plans at each and every turn. And a rather unproductive day followed by a floodlit late night were spent with the plumber and electrician, trying to find a suitable spot to lay the pipes for the water features. Then, just when that was taken care of, Matilda awoke to the news that, despite her inspection, the white ants had migrated from the summerhouse to the rear wall of the fence, which would set things back yet another day while it was ripped out and replaced. More skips delivered, more delays ensuing, and by the time she dragged herself back to the house, all Matilda could manage was a warmed-up meal and a very weary goodnight as, drooping with exhaustion, she headed off for bed.
Still as the week drew to a close, if not order then at least a semblance of control had been restored. Finally the pipes were laid, the electricity was on and the garden that had till now merely lived in her mind could actually start to emerge.
“I think we must have a mole on steroids,” Dante quipped, eyeing the mounds of earth that littered the area, and his easy humour bought the first smile in a long time to Matilda’s tense face as he wandered in with Alex late one evening to check on the progress. “I hear things haven’t gone exactly to plan.”
“On the contrary,” Matilda replied. “Things have gone exactly to plan—there’s always a disaster waiting to happen with this kind of work. But I think we’re finally under control.”
“Will you be joining us for dinner?”
“Us?” Matilda checked, because Alex was clearly ready for bed.
“Katrina and Hugh have come over—I should give Janet the numbers.”
“No, thanks.” Matilda shook her head but didn’t elaborate, didn’t make up an excuse or reason.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been over.” Dante switched Alex to his other hip. “My trial preparation has taken up a lot of time, things have been busy—”
“Tell me about it,” Matilda said, rolling her eyes.
“I’m sure that I’d bore you to death,” Dante responded, completely missing the point. But somehow the language barrier actually worked in their favour for once, the tiny misunderstanding opening a door, pushing the stilted, polite conversation way beyond the intentions of either participant. “Are you really interested?”
“Very,” Matilda responded. “Completely unqualified, of course, but terribly interested.”
“But you know that I cannot discuss it with you.”
“I know,” Matilda answered. “I mean, at the end of the day, the barrister mulling over his case with the gardener...”
“I cannot discuss it with anyone,” Dante broke in, and she watched as his eyes closed in shuttered regret, felt again the weight of responsibility that rode on his broad shoulders and ached to soothe him.
“I know,” Matilda said softly, then gave him a little spontaneous nudge. “Well, I don’t know exactly, but I have got pay TV.” She smiled at his frown. “I’ve paced the courtroom floor with the best of them, and from what I’ve gleaned you’re allowed to talk in general terms.”
“You’re crazy.” Dante laughed, his palpable tension momentarily lifting, but the shrill of his mobile broke the moment. Matilda watched as he juggled his daughter and flicked out his mobile, watched the vivid concentration on his face, the turn of his back telling her that this call was important. She reacted as anyone would have, held out her arms and offered to take his daughter, lifting the little girl into her arms, hardly registering the surprise on Dante’s face as he barked his orders into the phone.
* * *
“She went to you!”
A full fifteen minutes had passed. Fifteen minutes of Dante talking into the phone as Matilda at first held Alex but when she got a bit heavy, Matilda put her down, gathering the few exhausted, remaining daisies from under the willow, slitting the stalks with her thumb and making if not a daisy chain then at least a few links—chatting away to an uncommunicative Alex. But the little girl did appear to be watching at least and now Dante was kneeling down with them, staring open-mouthed at what Matilda considered was really a very normal scene.
“Sorry?” Matilda was trying to wrestle a very limp stalk into a very thin one.
“Alex actually went to you.” Dante’s voice had a slightly incredulous note as he watched Alex take the small chain of daisies Matilda was offering.
“I’m really not that scary, Dante.” Matilda smiled.
“You don’t understand. Alex doesn’t go to anyone. You saw what she was like the other day when it was me trying to pick her up.”
“Maybe she’s ready to start trusting a little again...” Matilda looked over at Dante and spoke over the little blonde head that was between them. Even though it was Alex she was talking about, they knew her words were meant for both. “Maybe now she’s done it once, it will be easier the next time.” For an age she stared at him, for an age he stared back, then his hands hovered towards his daughter, ready to pick her up and head for the house, ready to walk away yet again. But Matilda’s voice halted him. “Let her play for a few minutes. She’s enjoying the flowers.” She was, her little fingers stroking the petals, concentration etched on her face, and for all the world she looked like any other little girl lost in a daydream. “Talk to me, Dante,” Matilda said. “You might surprise yourself and find that it helps.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I do,” Matilda said firmly, watching as his gaze drifted to Alex, and finally after the longest time he spoke.
“Remember when we talked at the restaurant?” She could hear him choosing his words carefully. “You asked if I ever regret winning and I said no?” Matilda nodded. “I lied.”
“I know,” Matilda answered.
“Not professionally, of course.” Dante pondered, his accent a little more pronounced as his mind clearly wandered elsewhere. “I always walk into a courtroom wanting to win, I wouldn’t be there otherwise, but, yes, sometimes there is a feeling of...” He snapped his fingers in impatience as he tried to find the right word.
“Regret?” Matilda offered, and Dante shook his head.
“Unease,” he said. “A sense of unease that I do my job so well.”
“There would have to be,” Matilda said carefully, knowing she couldn’t push things, knowing she had to listen to the little information he was prepared to give.
“There is another side, too, though...” His eyes found and held hers and Matilda knew that what he was about to tell her was important. “There are certain cases that matter more. Matter because...” He didn’t continue, couldn’t perhaps, so Matilda did it for him.
“Because if you won there would be no unease?” She watched the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed, knew she had guessed correctly, that Dante was telling her, as best he could, that the man he was defending was innocent and that this case, perhaps, mattered more than most.
“You’ll win,” Matilda said assuredly, and Dante let out a tired sigh and gave a r
ather resigned smile, pulling himself up to go, clearly wondering why he’d bothered talking to her if that was the best she could come up with! “You will—you always do,” Matilda said with absolute conviction. “Your client couldn’t have better representation.”
“Matilda,” Dante said with dry superiority, “we’re not talking about my client and, anyway, you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, but I do.” Her green eyes caught his as he reached out for his daughter.
“You know nothing about law,” Dante needlessly pointed out. “You know nothing about—”
“Perhaps,” Matilda interrupted. “But you’ve already told me what you’re capable of, already told me that you can do it even if you don’t believe...” She paused for a moment, remembering the rules, remembering that she had to keep it general. “If I were in trouble, I mean.” She gave a cheeky grin. “Suppose I had been caught taking those chocolates and assuming I could afford you...” She gave a tiny roll eye as her fantasy took on even more bizarre proportions. “I’d want to walk into court with the best.”
“Am I the best for him, though?” He raked a hand through his jet hair and it was Dante who forgot to keep things general.
“Absolutely,” Matilda whispered. “I’d want the best I could afford, Dante, but having you believe in me would mean a thousand times more. Think of what you’ve already achieved then imagine what you’re capable of when you actually believe in someone.” A frown marred his brow, but it wasn’t one of tension, more realization, and Matilda knew that she’d got through to him, knew that somehow she’d reassured him, maybe helped a little even. “You’re going to be fine,” Matilda said again, and this time he didn’t bite back, this time he didn’t shoot her down with some superior remark, just gave her a gentle nod of thanks.