by Eva Sloan
“Well, I was going to sit here until the zoo closes, and then I was thinking about moving out of state, maybe just hopping a flight to New Mexico.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. There’s absolutely nothing in New Mexico besides desert and manmade suburbs ... and no one is ready to lay down and die in suburbia, least of all my daughter.” She lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. “Anyways, I wasn’t talking about your itinerary. I wanted to know what you were going to do about your men.”
“I don’t think Dean will ever speak to me again, so I won’t be apologizing to him anytime soon.” I turned to Mother, her eyes so clear and blue. “I really hurt him. And I still don’t know why I did it. He’s such a great guy.”
“You weren’t in love with him.” She inhaled more smoke and blew it smoothly out her coral tinted lips. “You would’ve hurt him much further down the road -- best to have left before the ‘I do’s.’”
“Do you think I’m crazy? Maybe I could’ve fallen in love with him eventually.”
“Of course I think you’re crazy. That man was a catch.”
I stared hard at Mother. “Thanks.”
“But I think you were right about ending it with him. Let him go find a woman that will love him back. Too bad you have to give up the great sex part though, that’s even harder to find than love.”
“I swear to god, Mother, you’re ...”
“I know. All my friends think I should do a sex talk show. They seem to think TV would be best, but I think radio would be my medium.”
“No, what I was going to say --”
“And speaking about good sex, how is the gardener?”
“He’s not a gardener --”
“Florist then --”
“He’s not that either ... I don’t know what to call him ... and we haven’t had sex.”
Mother looked to me with stunned disbelief. “All this fuss and you haven’t even slept with him?”
“I know, it’s crazy.”
“I’ll say! What if he’s terrible in bed? What if he’s too small ... or way too big? Or what if he has just one ball?”
“Mother!”
“It was on Sex and the City.”
I gave her a level, rather pissy look. “That explains it.”
“Explains what?”
I couldn’t stop smiling. “Nothing ... really.”
“Well what are you going to do about him?”
I sighed and suddenly his face appeared in my mind’s eye. I felt something inside me heat up and my breath caught as I tried to say something.
“What was that?”
I took a deep breath and blew it out. “I don‘t know.”
“That’s okay, sweetie.” She said as she stood up and brushed imaginary dust from her cashmere coat. “You’re allowed not to know. Makes it more fun.”
*****
I rode with Mother to her building, went in for some cookies and for a refill of familial affection ... and a hug from Isabella. Then I walked home, slowly making my way through foot traffic and across wildly surging streets. The usual creep and crawl replaced if only momentarily by a frenzy of movement.
I felt as if I were in slow motion as I crept through the city streets. And then I saw the front of my building and stopped in my tracks. Reality was starting to settle in on me again. A reality where what I wanted was uncertain, unfathomable even, and what I’d given up was so huge and solid I could choke to death on it.
I must be crazy, I thought as I stared at my front stoop. And then I noticed a great pair of legs dangling from the bottom step. Even from that distance I could tell it was Bess. I felt my eyes burn as I walked up to the front steps of my building, feeling so many emotions just knowing that Bess was still my friend, that she was there for me.
I caught a distraught, worried look on her face as I came up on her, which vanished the instant she saw me. She sat up a little straighter, taking a drag from her cigarette, and then she settled her eyes on me with their usual Bess radiance.
“About time you got back. One could freeze to death waiting to apologize.”
“None necessary,” I said, flopping down on the step beside her. “I deserved every word.”
“But I’m your best friend. I’m only supposed to be brutally honest when you ask me to.”
“You’d lie to me?” Our eyes met and we considered each other for the shortest moment, and then broke out in a chorus of laughter.
“I’m sorry about what I said. It was just mean.” Bess said, suddenly looking miserable.
“Didn’t I just tell you not to be sorry? It was the truth, and sometimes I really do need to hear it.” Bess looked at me and a smirk sliced its way across her face. “Okay, maybe I’ll still ignore it, but at least you’re friend enough to still tell me ...” I scooched closer and leaned my shoulder against hers. “And you’re still my best friend. That goes a long way.”
We sat there on my stoop, shoulder to shoulder saying nothing, just watching pedestrians and cars creep by. The air had started to cool enough we both started shivering.
Bess said, “I’ve got a brownstone to show in Chelsea, but I can cancel it if you want me to stay? We could order take-out and rent porn.”
I shook my head as a small laugh bubbled up from my chest. “That’s okay. You go sell something expensive.”
“I can come back later.” Her voice was so sincere, I felt a flush of guilt -- I suddenly wondered if I’d ever been there for her as much as she’d been there for me?
“That would be nice ... we still have the stuff to make milkshakes --”
“And since you’re really not knocked-up --”
“Bess!” I elbowed her hard.
“Hey, I’m just saying ... at least now the booze won’t go to waste too.”
She stood and brushed the dust and imaginary wrinkles from the bottom of her skirt, straightening her ensemble so she looked impeccable, as she always did. “See you in a couple hours, cupcake.”
I watched her walk away, and smiled as at least a half dozen men turned to watch her go -- one almost running into a street sign, two others running into each other.
I slowly pulled myself up to my feet and trudged up the steps to my apartment building. The door seemed to make a very sad, lonely squeak that I’d never noticed before. Even the tile covered steps seemed to make anguished noises as I moved up them.
I needed to go to sleep ... or maybe I’d break out the vodka early. Maybe even break out the blender too.
But as soon as I walked into my apartment I flopped wearily on the couch and closed my eyes with a sigh, drifting immediately to a blessedly dreamless sleep.
*****
Chapter 26
The knocking at the door woke me up. I had rolled onto my stomach on the couch and was drooling on one of my cushions. The apartment was dark, and so were the windows. I looked at the digital clock and found it was almost two hours later. I swiped the drool from my face and pulled myself off the couch. I turned on a lamp as I stumbled to the door, pulling my hair back out of my eyes, expecting Bess to be on the other side of the door.
And I don‘t know why I thought it would be her? Instead, standing on the other side of my now open door was Gus, and as my sleepy eyes focused on him I felt my entire body surge awake. Every molecule vibrating, making heat as they bounced off each other.
I gulped.
His serious expression slowly but decidedly turned to a bemused grin. He even brought his fist up to his mouth, faking a cough when I could well and good hear the laugh trying to escape his lips.
“What’s so goddamn funny?”
He gave his head one slow shake and then looked deliberately up at my hair. “You were asleep, or you’ve been in an asylum?”
My hands shot up to my hair and felt the unfamiliar terrain of major bed head. A strangled cat sound erupted from inside me and I turned on my heel and shot for my bedroom and straight for the bath.
I stood there not believing it, but it had to be the worst
I’d ever looked in my life. Quite literally I was the bride of Frankenstein, sans the big white streak. I did the first thing that popped into my mind -- actually the second. The first was to take a hasty shower, but then it dawned on me I would be naked and Gus was probably sitting nonchalantly in my apartment. I hadn’t closed the door when I ran away. So instead I turned the faucet on at the sink and stuck my head underneath it, letting the water cascade through my ruined hair. I even splashed some water on my face before towel drying my hair and raking a quick brush through it. I finally pulled it wet and limp back into a ponytail and emerged from the bathroom.
I breathed a little easier when I didn’t find Gus waiting in my bedroom. Instead he was sitting in front of my TV, stretched out on my couch.
“Didn’t think you were ever coming out. Was gonna order a pizza pretty soon.”
“Wouldn’t you rather have pizza at your own house ... and watch TV on your own couch?”
“I’m where I want to be.” The sureness of his words, the certainty in his voice was so ... It just pissed me off!
“What if I don’t want you here? You ever think of that!”
He gave a mock surprised look and then that sexy, know it all grin.
Bastard!
“I don’t want you here! Leave!” But I did want him here. Truthfully I wanted him waiting for me in the bedroom. I wanted us to be naked by now. But as he just sat there, staring with that satisfied look on his face, all I wanted was to knock it right off him with my fist. “Get out!”
Finally Gus stood up and moved toward me, backing me up to the counter of my kitchen sink, gazing down on me like the big bad wolf ready to eat Little Red Riding Hood. I felt myself shaking as he leaned into me our faces now no more than an inch apart. I braced myself for the inevitable. Gus was going to kiss me. But instead he slowly pulled himself back from me and cocked his head.
“You look hungry. I know this place that has the best burgers in the city.” And he walked over to the couch and retrieved his jacket. Turning to look at me, “Get your coat.”
*****
We walked a couple blocks and ducked down into the subway. I was surprised. Everything in Gus’ life -- up until then -- had been nearby his business. I suddenly wondered where exactly he lived.
And was he taking me there now?
The train lurched and since there was standing room only I felt myself teeter on the balls of my feet. And suddenly he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close, pressing my back against him. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest, a syncopated opposite to my own.
Ten minutes later, dazed and still swooning over being pressed up against him, we emerged from the subway station and walked one more block, this time back the way we had came.
We turned off 10th Avenue and headed east, and that’s when he asked, “So did you end it with the good doctor?”
I suddenly felt the blood rise up in my face, and I clinched my fists. Who does he think he is, asking me about Dean?
“And why would that be any business of yours?” I didn’t look at him, but I pulled away from him as we walked.
Gus chuckled and I could feel his gaze hot on my skin--my mind may be pissed at him, but my body liked him just fine.
“I just thought since I’m going to be pursuing you, I should know if he’s still in the picture. Wouldn’t want to have to sneak around.” These words stung as he said them. “And I like the doc and all, but I wouldn’t want him walking in on us when we’re naked ... that would be awkward.”
Something smart to say just melted on my tongue. All I could think about was what Gus looked like naked. I’d seen him shirtless, and I’d seen his butt ... massaged his butt ... but the thought of Gus totally naked and in bed just made my knees weak.
Suddenly he was ushering me into a darkened bar, the place had a decent crowd but it was still easy to sidle up to the bar. He talked to the bartender and got us two beers, and then asked me what I wanted on my burger?
Later, we were sitting at the end of the bar, not at one of the empty tables, and I was just shaking from the way Gus was staring at me. The Big Bad Wolf is back and he looks like a burger isn’t going to satisfy him.
“Quit,” I told him.
He looked into my eyes and I felt something flutter inside my ribs. Might have been my heart.
“Quit what?”
“Staring at me like that. You’re driving me crazy.” I suddenly realized that that didn’t sound too good. “Making me self conscious...paranoid!”
“Oh, that kind of crazy...” He took a gulp of his beer and suppressed a grin. “Can’t help you with that kind of crazy. Now if it’s the crazy with lust kind ... or the crazy with --”
“Look, burgers!” I cut across him as the bartender set down our plates. I knew damn well what he was going to say, and I just didn’t want to hear that word right then. Too many unknowns. “I’m starving, aren’t you?”
He shook his head and grinned. “Yeah, starving.”
We sat there, eating our burgers. And I had to admit they were pretty damn good. Not the best burgers I’d ever eaten, but the fries ... now those were the best I’d ever had. Crispy and seasoned perfectly.
“I was thinking,” Gus said after washing down his burger with some beer. “We could go to a movie, rent a car and drive out to the country ... or we could go back to your place and do what we’ve really wanted to do.”
I about choked on my burger. Unbelievable. My bed wasn’t even cold yet and he wanted to jump in?!?! Maybe I had overestimated him. Maybe he was just some horny guy that I’d transferred all my wants and needs to.
“You’re unbelievable.” I downed more of my beer and then started to laugh. Unbelievable or not, horny guy or not, it was what I was dying to do. Getting Gus naked in bed, especially after the way he kissed me, nothing on earth was more appetizing ... well, there were my French fries, beckoning me, and his.
“You going to eat those?” I said as I reached for his plate.
He grabbed my hand and leaned in real close. “You can have the fries for a kiss.”
I gulped. I didn’t think he would try to turn me on until we were back at my apartment. And now that I thought about it, what is it with guys and not wanting to go to their apartments? Are all men naturally pigs? Or do they have porn lying around everywhere? Or do they think we carry miniature furniture around with us in our purses, so we can move in while they’re still searching their fridge for something other to drink than beer.
But I really wanted his fries ... and I wanted his kiss too. So I leaned in and kissed him. Lightly at first, but soon our lips were locked and he had me pulled to him, and all I could think was, are we at my place yet? Why aren’t we at my place yet?
I grabbed the rest of the fries and put them in a napkin, Gus laid a twenty on the counter and we raced out the door.
*****
I thought we’d never get back to my place. We held off kissing until we were stuck on the subway again, and we had to keep separating every couple minutes, as soon as one of us started pulling at the other’s clothes.
Neither of us wanted strangers on the subway to be witness to the first time we...
I suddenly didn’t even want to think the words for it. I wasn’t ready to name it.
But once we were out of the subway station and on the street again Gus had hold of my hand and was pulling me along at a gallop. When we came to the front steps to my apartment building I had to stop and catch my breath.
“I guess you’ve fully recovered from your injury?” I panted. He didn’t even look winded.
“I had a really good physical therapist.”
“Really?”
“But it turns out she needs to work on her cardio.”
I shot him a murderous look.
Gus held his hands up defensively. “I’m just saying you’re breathing pretty hard ... maybe you should get on a tread mill sometime.”
I stood up straight and tilted my head, giving him the same rancid
look.
He came closer, that goddamn irresistible smile curving across his face, making my resolve melt like milk chocolate left out in the August sun. He curled his fingers into the belt loops of my jeans and pressed me back against the railing of the stairs.
“I can think of one way to get you in better shape.”
I couldn’t wipe the stupid freaking smile off my face. That’s exactly what I was thinking too. “But I don’t remember clearing you for ... strenuous activities.”
He leaned in so close I thought he was going to take me right there. He had two days worth of stubble and it tickled my cheek as he whispered into my ear. “Then you really should be on top.”
I had him pushed up against the wall of my apartment and his shirt torn open before the door to my apartment was shut, buttons clicking and rolling around on my hard wood floors. I ran my hands over the smooth flesh of his chest, feeling the pectoral muscles flex, and then shudder as I licked and then bit at his nipples.
“Oh God,” he moaned.
His body was all the more beautiful now because it was all mine, his lips all the more delicious because they were kissing mine -- and there wasn’t one nagging doubt or recrimination. It was just him making love to me. Pulling me to him and crushing my chest against his, a hungry lip lock devouring my sighs and moans, as his hands cupped my ass, pulling me against him. His manhood was hard, pressing against the fabric of his pants, and now against my hip. Magically he removed my shirt and unhooked my bra without ever taking his hands from my ass.
In an instant he was returning my nipple play from before, and I curled my legs around his waist as he nibbled and sucked at my breasts. I felt us start to move across the room, but my mind was in a sexual fog, and though I knew every inch of my apartment, I was suddenly lost there, and more importantly, I didn’t care that I was.
He lowered me down onto my bed -- I quaked, noticeably shaking when I realized where he had me. Partly from the disorientation of not knowing where I was, part because I suddenly knew that we were indeed going to have sex for the first time. There was no going back -- even if I had a mind to do so.