When they made love again, it was slow and sweet. In the lost sense of urgency, they studied one another’s bodies carefully until they were exhausted, and lay together. Harper was spooning her and she smiled into her pillow. They were quiet for a long time.
“How are you?” Lauren said, not knowing what else to say.
“How am I? I’m pretty good,” Harper said dryly.
A smile stretched out over Lauren’s face, and then she was immediately sobered by the thought that she had failed miserably at controlling herself. They had only papered over their issues, and maybe created more of them. Still she couldn’t be anything other than ecstatic about what had just happened between them.
“What are we going to do now?” Lauren asked her.
Chapter Fifteen
Minutes and hours were slipping through Lauren’s fingers like sand. They had wasted so much time.
All of their weeks of friendship had been special and they had led to this, so she couldn’t regret them. What she did regret were those weeks during which they weren’t even talking. They could have had more of this, even if they were yet to define what exactly “this” was. When she asked Harper what they were going to do, her words had been met with an anxiety-inducing silence. Lauren was conscious of Harper’s fingers stroking her stomach, the flutter of her eyelashes against Lauren’s bare shoulder. The physical closeness was comforting but she needed more.
At last, Harper had answered in an optimistic tone. “Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Can’t we just do that?”
Lauren had wanted to hear a declaration of how Harper felt about her. She had also hoped to extract a promise from Harper that they would find a way to make this work out. Harper’s answer was disappointing but she clung to the fact that they would at least have this time together, that Harper’s words implied there might be more nights like the one they had just shared. Lauren had never been the type of person who could throw off worries about the future, but for the sake of enjoying this, she would have to try.
“Okay,” she had replied, covering Harper’s hand with her own.
That night Lauren couldn’t remember when she finally drifted off to sleep, though she knew that they woke up together in the early hours. They reached for one another and made love once again before each drifting off again. No word was spoken—only the sounds of moans and breathing. The quiet intensity of it was something Lauren had never known before.
It felt like she had only been asleep for minutes when Harper woke her again to say that she’d better get going. She had promised her little brother she would take him to get some new clothes for school. Lauren sat up sleepily, pulling the sheet over her naked body, while Harper sat on the edge of the bed.
“Go back to sleep,” Harper said.
“Okay,” Lauren agreed, as though she could even stay awake if she tried. Harper laughed at her and then leaned in to kiss her one more time. At least that had been the plan, but Harper pulled the sheet away and kissed her everywhere until Lauren gasped in pleasure with the sheet balled in her fists.
When Lauren woke up again, the afternoon sun was beaming through the windows. Those moments in the morning had a dream-like quality to them when she looked back; in fact, the whole night did. But there was no denying it was real. Lauren stretched and felt the delicious tiredness in her limbs. If Harper was beside her right now, her fatigue would drop away and she would be ready again.
They had not made any solid plans to see one another. Things between them had changed so rapidly that it left her uncertain about what the protocol might be. Because she didn’t know what to do, she took no action at all. When she finally rose from bed, she cleaned the house and cooked herself an early dinner. She was ravenous. As she ate, she dreamily went over what she had done the night before, and what had been done to her.
By the time it reached ten o’clock, she still hadn’t done anything much except for sitting and staring at the television. Lauren flicked mindlessly through the channels, but nothing could hold her interest. She was pulled toward Harper like a magnet. Chester was snuggling up to her on the sofa and she decided to take him out, because she had missed their morning walk. She clipped on his lead and let him outside, knowing where she was really going. They walked straight to Harper’s house, Chester happily trotting along beside her. When they arrived, she pulled her phone out of her pocket.
“Hey,” Harper’s warm voice greeted her. There was something in it that she hadn’t heard before, a playfulness that acknowledged the change in their relationship. Relief washed through Lauren when she heard how welcome her call was.
“What are you up to?” Lauren asked.
“Oh, nothing. I’m kind of bored actually,” Harper replied. “What about you?”
“Nothing either, really. I’m just out walking Chester.”
“Really? It’s late. Where are you?”
“Actually I’m across from your house,” Lauren said in a rush. When the phone in her hand went silent, she winced and squeezed her eyes shut. She put her fingers to her forehead. “I’m sorry, is this completely weird? I didn’t mean to seem like a stalker or something, I just thought if you weren’t busy…”
“Lauren,” Harper cut her off, laughing at her in that way she had that didn’t seem mean. “I’m just quiet because I’m putting on my shoes. I’ll be out in a minute.”
They fell into bed as soon as they got back to Lauren’s place. Lauren could have wept with the thrill of it, from Harper’s hands on her in the dark, from the wordless ecstasy, the feeling of coming home again.
Afterward, Lauren rolled onto her side, pulling Harper’s arm with her. Lauren smiled to herself. It had never felt so good to be in someone’s arms. Gentle fingers played with her hair.
“So, what’s the story with the Josh stuff?”
“Ugh, do we have to talk about Josh now?” Lauren said. She started laughing at Harper’s bad timing. Harper’s voice had been so sweet and low in her ear, but there was nothing sexy in talking about Josh. “Have you just been dying to ask me that?”
“Sorry, but yes I have,” Harper confirmed. “Spill.”
“There’s nothing to tell. There were rumors for no good reason, because we were hanging out while shooting. My team loved it because nobody wants me being outed, so we agreed to let it happen. Josh doesn’t really care because he’s got no plans to settle down with anyone any time soon. You’d be surprised how often this sort of stuff happens.”
“It must be hard for you though. Having to hide who you are,” Harper said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “I wish I’d picked up on it myself and made it easier for you.”
“That’s okay.”
“I can’t believe how blind I was.”
“It’s not your fault that I didn’t tell you. I just hope you know I’m not ashamed of who I am or anything like that. I mean, I only hide it because I feel like I have to. Once you get used to something like that, it’s hard to break out of it.”
Harper sighed against her ear. She rolled Lauren onto her back and looked down at her. “I’m really sorry I’ve made you feel like you have to justify yourself. I should never have said those things that day at the diner.”
“It’s okay. I’m just telling you, that’s not me. I’ve always been clear about what I want. This is just a really strange business.”
“I don’t judge you at all. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have all those eyes on you. I was hurt when I said that.”
“I’m sorry,” Lauren said, remembering the dejected way Harper had helped her pack up after the picnic.
“It’s okay. I’m definitely not hurting now,” Harper pointed out. Lauren put a hand behind her neck and pulled her down for a kiss.
They replaced their old routines with new, more secretive customs. Most nights Harper pretended to go to bed, saying good night to her indifferent brother and father, before crawling out of her window. It made her feel like a teenager, only she never had this much fun when she actuall
y was in her teens. Sometimes she would walk to the cottage and Lauren would be waiting for her. Other nights Lauren would sit in her car with the engine idling at the end of the street, and they would go out driving. Harper loved those nights the best. There was the balmy night air, her hand trailing out the window, tracing shapes in the wind or on Lauren’s thigh. There was the way that Lauren would shoot longing looks at her, and take her hand while she was driving. Harper felt drunk with happiness.
Once they traveled so far that Harper suggested they pull over at a motel next to the highway rather than drive all the way back to the cottage. Lauren hid in the car while Harper checked in, so that the motel clerk wouldn’t recognize Lauren. They busted into the room giggling. Harper had pretended her husband was waiting for her in the car.
“Oh, I sure hope my husband doesn’t find out I’m with you in this flea-ridden motel,” Harper joked. “If only we had a nice cottage we could go to in order to conduct this affair!”
Lauren pushed Harper down onto the hard and creaky bed. “We don’t need a nice mattress, not when I’m going to do such nasty things to you on it.” She bit Harper’s neck, laughing.
No matter what they did, the evenings always ended in that same way, with them in one another’s arms. When they weren’t in the cottage, they made love in the car, parked in darkened places on the side of the road, on the picnic blanket at the lake, and even at work in an empty room. Harper didn’t think she had ever felt such easy affection with anyone. She was comfortable with suggesting anything, at any time. Lauren’s desire and willingness always matched her own.
It wasn’t just the sex that made their time together so good. Harper loved the intimacy of their conversations; the way they’d lie together and talk all night about their lives. She wanted to learn everything she could about Lauren, wished to study her like a book, fascinated by how her mind worked.
“So how is that you’ve never been in love? You’ve just never met the right girl?” Harper asked her one morning. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Lauren often changed the subject when it came to relationships. She had never mentioned ex-girlfriends or old lovers at all.
“Why, do you think it’s strange? I’m not thatold,” Lauren said.
“No, of course I don’t think it’s strange. You must have broken a few hearts though. You’re so very dreamy,” Harper said. Lauren lifted her head and smiled at her.
“Is that how you think of me? Like a heartbreaker? I don’t think so.”
“You’re so modest. Another thing that makes you lovable.” Lauren gazed back at her, those clear penetrating eyes looking at her as though waiting for something. Regardless of how well she was beginning to know Lauren and how much Lauren had been opening up to her over the last weeks, there were still times when Harper found her eyes utterly unreadable.
Lauren broke away and lay back down. Harper wasn’t sure whether to be worried that she might have hurt Lauren’s feelings, or at least made her self-conscious.
“I’m glad you haven’t, anyway,” Harper said, to try to smooth it over. “Because then you might not have given me a chance. You might have some high-powered Hollywood executive wife or something.”
Harper smiled when Lauren cuddled into her, throwing a leg over her waist and kissing her neck. “You’re right. You’re incredibly fortunate,” Lauren said drolly.
“I am,” Harper agreed.
Harper spent each day at work walking on air. Things went more smoothly than usual. She was so happy that there was no problem that she couldn’t solve. She loved the quiet moments she found with Lauren, the deliciousness of running into her unexpectedly as they went about their days. All it took was a look for her to understand how much Lauren wanted her at any given moment. They didn’t need to talk to communicate about that.
“You’re in a good mood,” Sal observed one day in her office.
“Just digging working for you, that’s all,” Harper said. She did love working for him. He didn’t need to know the reason.
“About that. I’ve been wanting to ask you if you would consider staying on. I’d be happy to pay for your relocation costs to LA, help you get set up.”
The question brought Harper out of her reverie. It was a great offer, but it could never work. It would take her even further away from her plans, the half-formed ideas she had about returning to New York one day. If she took on a more permanent role as his assistant, maybe she would never get back there. Besides, there was no way she was ready to leave her family.
“I’m sorry Sal, I just couldn’t move right now. The offer means the world to me, though. Thank you.”
Sal shrugged. “That’s a shame. Whatever makes you happy though, kid.”
Harper looked away from him. There was only thing that was making her happy, and she could never really have it.
Chapter Sixteen
When the time came that they only had one week left to be with one another, Lauren was a basket case. She felt jumpy and restless, especially when she was away from Harper. It would help if she knew that she could stay in town even for a little while after the shoot finished, but there was no way that her schedule would allow for it. There would barely be time for a day off in New York before she would have to get to work promoting Empty Nests, a family drama she had shot the year before. Doing press had never been one of her favorite parts of the job, and she felt like doing it now less than ever.
She wanted to ask Harper again if their relationship was going to lead anywhere, but she kept biting back the words. Harper had answered her once already, and Lauren was scared that her reply might not have changed. Harper was a forthright person; if she wanted something from Lauren, then Lauren was sure that she would ask. So Lauren had been doing her best to act like the situation was no big deal for her. When Harper complimented her, she didn’t know how to take it. She could never tell if Harper was just physically attracted to her or if her feelings ran as deep as Lauren’s own. Recently Harper had talked about how lovable she was. Lauren didn’t want to hear that she was lovable. She wanted to know that she was loved, that Harper loved her.
It was difficult to talk about never having loved anyone when her feelings for Harper had rendered that a lie.
Now it was Friday night. She wanted to shake off her worries, because knowing they had the whole weekend together made her determined to cherish every free moment they had.
Lauren had barbecued some burgers, and they ate them on the back porch, watching the setting sun.
“You know, you’re the best cook I’ve ever met,” Harper said, licking sauce from her fingers.
“It’s just a burger,” Lauren said. She reached over and wiped a smudge of sauce from the corner of Harper’s mouth.
“Yeah, but it’s an amazing burger. It’s the way you do it. You have magic hands.”
Lauren held up a hand and wiggled her fingers around, raising her eyebrows suggestively until Harper laughed. It was so hot that Lauren could feel the back of her shirt sticking to her skin with sweat, droplets of it running down her legs. She had brought out a pitcher of iced tea that they polished off quickly. Harper pulled a chunk of ice from her glass and ran it over Lauren’s collarbone. Lauren shivered at the cold and grabbed her hand, pulling her close.
The two of them sat until after dark looking out on the backyard, kissing. Lauren loved the way Harper put a hand on her chest, sliding it up her neck.
“Want to go in to bed?” Lauren asked.
“Not just yet. Why don’t we go to the lake?”
“Right now?”
“It’ll be gorgeous out there right now.”
They drove out and parked, the moon so bright that they didn’t need to leave the headlights on. The black water pooled out in front of them. Harper ran over to the bank and quickly pulled off her shoes, sinking her feet into the cool depths below. She sighed with pleasure. Lauren joined her. Harper put her hand down at the same time as Lauren did and they linked their fingers together.
“This w
as a very good idea,” Lauren said.
“I’m full of good ideas,” Harper agreed.
Harper put her head down on Lauren’s shoulder, nestling in, and Lauren put her arm around her. Lately a feeling of impossible tenderness had stolen over her every time Harper did something like that. It made her feel like Harper wanted to be hers, like they belonged to one another and both knew it.
For a second she truly let the emotions in. She had never felt this way before, not even close. For the past few weeks, she had been falling harder and harder. She had been sure for a while now that she was in love. It still struck her as miraculous that she could kiss Harper whenever she wanted. And yet there was a huge part of her that was always waiting for it to be taken away from her.
“Can I ask you something?” Lauren blurted. Harper nodded against her shoulder. “What did you think of me when we met?”
“It might be best if I don’t answer that question,” Harper said.
“Why not?”
“You just seemed a little aloof the first few times we met.”
“Oh. Is that all? Well, that’s because I was trying to not show that I was into you.” Looking back on those days made her nostalgic. Though she hadn’t known it at the time, it had all been building toward this moment: Harper’s head on her shoulder, Harper’s arm around her waist.
“I thought you meant when we first met. At the diner, when I served you. Do you remember that?” Harper asked.
“That is what I meant.”
“Did you think of me like that right from the start?”
“Yes. I was like a deer in the headlights, I know. I couldn’t get over the way you looked. How beautiful you are.”
“Oh, come now. You’re just sweet talking me.”
Lauren wished she were. If only she didn’t feel this way, it would all be so much easier. She wouldn’t feel so heartsick at the thought of leaving Harper behind.
No More Pretending Page 12