“Then why?”
“I don’t know. It’s just hard. It affects me, hearing your voice.”
Lauren held her breath for a moment. She knew exactly what Harper meant. “It does for me too.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.”
Neither of them spoke for a while, each listening to the other’s breath. Lauren looked out across the skyline and wondered what Harper could see from wherever she was sitting. Lauren took a deep breath.
“Well. I just really did want to say hello,” Harper tried again. “I’m sorry I made it weird. I was just thinking of you.”
“It’s okay, Harper. We’ll talk again soon?”
“We will,” Harper said. “I miss you.”
Before Lauren could say it back, the line went dead.
Harper’s dad didn’t announce that it was time for him to come home; he just returned as quietly as he had left. One day she got home from work and there he was, sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette. A weathered old suitcase was next to him, making it obvious that he hadn’t been inside yet. It had only been two weeks but he looked different, bright and clear. His face had lost some of its redness.
“You’re home,” she said warmly.
Seeing him again took away some of the loneliness. The phone call to Lauren had rattled her, and she had been very off her game in the first place. Harper hadn’t called her again since then. Harper didn’t like to think that she was jealous of Lauren’s success, but hearing about Lauren’s career made her feel small. It brought home all over again how very different their lives were. It reminded her that Lauren had a whole life that could never have anything to do with her.
“That I am. I missed you kids.” He got up and patted her on the shoulder. There was something shy about the way he spoke to her. Life had gone on in such a straight line for so long that this bump in the road was making things strange.
“I see they didn’t cure you of that habit,” she joked, pointing to the cigarette clutched between his nicotine-stained fingertips.
“No, no. A person has to have at least one vice.”
Harper mused about the fact that Lauren might be hers. “How was it?”
He sat back down, drew on his cigarette, and shrugged. “It was okay. I had to go to a lot of silly meetings and therapy session things but they gave me medication, looked after me. I feel pretty good.”
“I’m really glad to hear that, Dad. I’m proud of you for going. I know it can’t have been easy for you.”
He looked at her, then looked away and stubbed out his smoke. “I wanted to say something to you, but I had to wait to see if I could stick it out first.”
Harper didn’t think she had ever seen him look so nervous. Scenarios went through her mind, like he might say that he was leaving them. She watched uneasily while he lit another cigarette.
“I haven’t been a very good father to you and Tommy since your mom died.”
Harper put a hand on his shoulder. Just because it was true, it didn’t mean she wanted him to say it or even think it. “Daddy, no.”
He held up a hand to silence her. “I haven’t. Your mom would be ashamed of me, and that’s been a hard thing for me to face up to. But I have now. I want you to know that things are going to be better from here on out. I’ve got big plans.”
“I’m glad to hear it. For you, I mean. What are they?”
“I’m going to get back to work, for one thing. And I’m going to get better about Tommy, make sure he and I both start doing things for ourselves. You’ve been taking on too much for the family.”
“I’m happy to do it, Dad. You guys are the most important thing to me. You know that.” She hoped that she hadn’t been moping around too much about Lauren and making him think that she resented them.
“I do know that, but I want you to consider getting back to your life. If you need to go back to New York, then I think you should go. You know your uncle would take you back in a heartbeat. That’s always been the case.”
“Dad, I can’t just up and leave like that.”
“It wouldn’t be doing that and you know it. It’s where you’re supposed to be, where I think you really want to be. We’ll visit, stay in touch just like we did last time. I don’t want you to have to worry about us so much.”
Harper shook her head. This all felt like it was coming out of the blue. “What’s brought all this on?”
“Just had what you’d call an epiphany, I guess. I’ve seen how happy you were with Lauren. It’s made me realize how much you’ve missed out on for us. I can’t believe I let it happen, if you want to know the truth. I need to make it right.”
Harper watched the way he was sitting, his back straightening in a show of strength. “We can’t think of it that way. I’ve wanted to be here with you guys,” Harper said, her eyes filling with tears.
“I know you have. You’re a good girl, you put the family first,” he said, putting his arm around her. “But you need to think of yourself, think about settling down and all that. I’d be proud to have a daughter-in-law like Lauren.”
Harper rested her head on his shoulder. It wasn’t the time to tell him that she had let Lauren go, that there might not be a possibility of a relationship with her. Maybe she should go to New York for her own sake, regardless of whether things worked out with Lauren. It was a lot to consider, a whole world opening up when she had thought that door had been long shut behind her.
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
It was not a difficult decision to make when it came down to it, but it was hard to put it all into motion. As soon as Harper thought about it, she knew that going to New York was the only sensible option. Once that was decided, she could see the steps she needed to take laid out before her. Harper had always been a planner. Calling her uncle should be the first move, to find out if that job really was a sure thing and to see if it was okay for her to stay at his place until she could find an apartment. Then she would have to start thinking about what she would need to take with her, and give notice at the diner. She felt a bit crappy about resigning after her job had been held for all that time, but she knew they would all be happy for her too.
It all sounded simple, almost too easy. Yet she felt paralyzed and afraid to start. There was a piece missing from her plan that she was afraid to approach. It didn’t seem fair to let Lauren know about her intention to move to New York, not when she didn’t know that it was all going to work out. After their last phone call, she was insecure about their future. It appeared that Lauren had slipped easily back into her regular life, and in fact was thriving. Of course Harper was happy about that, but how did she know that there was a place for her?
Lauren was starting to wonder what she had spent all that time so worried about. Maria’s nasty article about her barely made a ripple. It blew over faster than she would have imagined. The firing of her staff made industry papers, but it wasn’t that unusual, and nobody outside of the inner circle cared.
Lauren still hadn’t hired a new publicist and manager, and she was quite happy to wait. She wanted to make sure that next time she chose those people very carefully. In the meantime, she decided that she wanted to have a meeting with Chris to broach the subject that always ended up becoming an issue and causing her so much stress. He suggested a lunch date but she insisted on meeting him in his office, not wanting to be anyplace where they might be overheard.
When she went to his office, she was edgy. As she stood in the elevator, she stared at herself in the mirrored doors. She looked terrified. Lauren rearranged her expression and forced her body to relax. She told herself that she had made the choice to hire Chris, and that if she didn’t like what he had to say, she was prepared to fire him just as quickly. Nobody was ever going to make her feel powerless again.
Chris greeted her warmly when she came in and asked his secretary to get her a bottle of water. He slid a script across to her. “This came across my desk and I’d love
to put you forward for it. I’m sure you’re already on their list, but if you like it I’ll make some calls.”
Lauren picked it up and looked at the title, then nervously thumbed through the pages. She saw the words but couldn’t take any of it in. “Thanks. I’ll check it out later, but I actually wanted to talk to you about something more general. Like, about my career direction and image and all that.”
He looked across at her, and Lauren saw him clock her nervousness. He waited patiently for her to speak.
“I’ve had issues in the past with this, so it’s the only reason I’m bringing it up.”
“Of course. It’s good to get things on the table, I’m always ready to learn from the last person’s mistakes,” he prompted, smiling at her.
“Okay, well, I wanted to talk about the fact that I’m gay,” Lauren said, fumbling her words. Chris didn’t react at all, except to smile at her.
“Me too. Thanks for letting me know.”
“And I don’t plan on making any announcements, but I’d like to live a little more openly at least,” she said, encouraged by his relaxed attitude. She was used to concern about her and her career, even from other gay people. When he didn’t say anything, she kept talking. “I don’t want it to affect the roles that I take. I’ve often been pushed into more romantic-style movies, and I think I want to move toward more dramatic stuff. That way, if it ever comes out it might not matter as much.”
“Okay, I understand. I think you’re more than capable of more challenging work, for what it’s worth. You want to stop having beards, right? I don’t think that’s going to make such a big difference.”
“Do you really think that?”
Chris shrugged. “Sure. I’m not your publicist, but can’t they just not have you say anything either way? People can speculate, but you’ve got a good solid body of work behind you. That’s not all just going to go away overnight just because you don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Well. I think we’re on the same page,” Lauren said. He was handling this in such a low-key way that she almost felt silly for bringing it up.
“I’m excited to be working together,” he said. He leaned over and shook her hand.
“Thank you,” Lauren said.
The day Harper left Texas for the second time, her dad had to be dragged kicking and screaming from under a car to give her a ride to the airport. He kept insisting that they had plenty of time, but Harper knew it was just his way of stalling. Despite the fact that he was giving her all the support he could, and in fact was basically pushing her out the door, he had a lot of trouble with good-byes. For the last week he had been spending most of his time working on his truck, getting ready to start at his old job again. He was the best mechanic in town when he wasn’t drinking, and everybody knew it.
Finally, she was able to separate him from his pride and joy for long enough to help her take her suitcases out to the car. She had packed light, knowing that she would need to go shopping for new work clothes. Furniture and larger items were going to stay here until she could get her own place and have it all shipped out. Tommy had said that he was too busy to see her off, but at the last moment he slid wordlessly into the backseat, and the three of them set out for the airport. Her dad turned the radio on to his favorite country station and Harper smiled when Tommy groaned from the backseat. She glanced back at him and watched him for a second while he played on his phone. Their eyes met, and he stuck his tongue out at her.
Harper looked forward and made a rude gesture at him over her shoulder, which she knew would make him laugh. It was easier than thinking about other times that they had made this trip together, and about the fact that there was an important person missing. It shouldn’t be Harper sitting in the front seat. At least now she would be making some really good new memories. Though she would never stop mourning the missing piece of their family, she was reassured that her dad and Tommy were going to be okay without her.
When they got to the airport, her father insisted on walking her to the gate. Harper felt herself welling up at the way he stood there stiffly. She knew him well enough to know that he was really struggling. In the end, he just patted her on the shoulder and turned around. Tommy tried to do the same, but he was still skinny and slight enough that she could force a hug on him. When she got on the plane, she was struck by a feeling of incredible lightness through the sadness of leaving them. This was right.
Lauren was spending the afternoon walking Chester around the city streets. It had been easy to forget how much she had missed this place, and she was enjoying reacquainting herself with it. She stopped and bought a hot dog and fed most of it to Chester, then walked into the park. It was a beautiful sunny day today and she was feeling good. Though she missed Harper more than she could bear at times, she tried to appreciate the good times when they came.
When she finally got home, it was starting to get dark. She had left her phone on the entry table, and she walked right past it into the kitchen. Hunger was making her stomach rumble but she didn’t feel like cooking, so she rummaged around for a minute in the fridge and then abandoned it. Maybe she would go out again. Her phone was ringing from the hall, and she reluctantly went to see who it was. There were nights lately when she had forced herself to go out and socialize despite not feeling at all like it, but tonight was not going to be one of those nights.
It was Harper. They hadn’t spoken again since their weird conversation a couple of weeks ago, though they did text one another occasionally. Lauren had been trying to settle into the idea that they just weren’t going to be speaking much for a while, though she had never given up hope for them. She was considering offering to go out there in a couple of weeks for a visit and the thought excited her so much she felt a buzz every time it crossed her mind. The idea of seeing Harper again made her stomach flutter, but more importantly, she wanted to try to take the temperature of the situation. Now that they’d had some time apart, she would get a better idea of whether Harper might reconsider things.
“Hey!” she said when she answered. It was loud wherever Harper was, and at first she thought that Harper must have pocket-dialed her.
“Hey, what are you up to?” Harper said.
“Nothing much. Just deciding what to have for dinner. Where are you?”
Harper sounded happy. Maybe now was the right time to offer to visit her. “Sorry about the noise. So you’re not with anyone or anything?”
“No, I’m alone,” Lauren said.
“You should have pizza for dinner.”
“I should?” Lauren replied. Harper was acting oddly. She wasn’t sure how to ask delicately whether she was drunk.
“Yes, you still like pizza don’t you? From Manny’s?”
Definitely drunk, Lauren concluded. It was cute, but it also made her sad. Did Harper have to be drunk to make contact with her, to make a simple phone call to her? Lauren had to stop herself from quizzing Harper about whom she was with. There was no reason to be jealous when she was probably just out having a good time with friends, Lauren just wished that they were together.
“Yes, I still like pizza. What are you doing?”
“Just hanging out. I think you should go to Manny’s.”
“Okay, after I hang up I’ll go to Manny’s,” Lauren said to placate her, though she had no intention of doing it. “Would that make you happy?”
“Yes it would,” Harper said. “How soon can you get there?”
“Harper, what’s up?”
“I’m really bad at this,” Harper said.
“Bad at what? Are you okay?”
“Surprises. Can you just come to Manny’s? I’m here,” she said, laughter in her voice.
Lauren’s eyes widened as she tried to process the information. “Are you serious?”
“Very. Now come join me, this is not the sort of place a lady should be sitting alone.” Harper sounded like her usual jokey self, but Lauren could hear the nerves in her voice.
“Oh my god, you’re
really here?” Lauren said.
“I am.”
Lauren thought she would cry with happiness. She felt foolish, worrying that she might never see Harper again. Of course Harper wouldn’t let that happen. She must have been planning this visit the whole time.
“I can be there in twenty minutes. Don’t go anywhere,” Lauren said.
“Nowhere else I’ve got to be.” The line went silent.
Chapter Twenty-Four
It was the longest subway ride Lauren ever took. She ran down to the street, down the stairs, and onto the platform like a maniac. The wait for a train was only for a minute or two, but now she had to just sit. Part of her expected this all to be some sort of ridiculous prank, even though she knew Harper would never be that cruel. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea that Harper was actually in the same city as she was.
Lauren planned to make the most of this visit. She had no idea how long Harper would be staying, but however long it was, Lauren wanted to use the time to convince her that somehow they could work this out. The fact that Harper was even here gave her immense hope. Harper wasn’t the type to fly all the way to another state for a booty call or to casually catch up.
Lauren shifted in her seat impatiently. She wished she’d had time to change her clothes, but she hadn’t wanted to delay seeing Harper for such a silly reason.
When she finally arrived, Lauren stood outside the bar for a moment to compose herself. It had been literally years since she had been here, although since she and Harper had talked about it, she’d considered dropping in over the last few weeks. Lauren pushed the door open and was met with the familiar sights and smells of the place. The sticky floors and the sound of clinking glasses brought with them a wave of nostalgia. A few people looked up as she came in, but only one face stayed turned to hers for more than a few seconds.
Lauren froze. She had become so accustomed to imagining Harper everywhere that the reality of actually seeing her was jarring. For a second she didn’t quite trust her own perception. It was surreal, as though she had stepped into one of her own movies.
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