The bride was Caitlin's opposite – tall and blonde with bloody big boobs, wearing a blue and white dress with lots of coloured pearls. Her husband looked at her as if he was hypnotised by bliss.
I bet they'd never had anything but smooth sailing, from first kiss through to wedding night – they couldn't have had as hard a time of it as Caitlin and I had. I could count the number of kisses we'd shared and I didn't dare even mention the possibility of sex...
At the happy couple's feet, a grumpy little flower girl in a miniature version of the bride's dress sat pouting at her toy fish on the steps. Most of the guests were Italian – plenty of dark hair, but none of them as beautiful as Caitlin.
I couldn't see her anywhere. I took a walk around the church, wondering if I was missing something.
The church door was open, with a sign beside it saying, Reconciliation Today. I stepped in through the door, wondering if Caitlin had gone inside.
It was dark in the foyer and while I waited for my eyes to adjust, I felt her fingers close around mine. She guided my hand into some cold water, then helped me draw a cross across my chest, my fingers still dripping.
Before I could ask why, she smiled and said in a low voice, "It's a reminder of your baptism, when all the bad things you've done are forgiven." She paused. "Were you christened, Nathan?"
"I think so," I answered, worried. "I was too young to remember and I don't think I've been in a church much since."
She smiled again. "Then perhaps it wouldn't hurt to spend a moment longer in this one?"
Maybe she was going to kill me and she didn't want me to die unforgiven, I thought in mounting panic. Did I have the right to deny her that? I couldn't deny what I'd done.
A calm spread across my mind as I didn't care any more. She was entitled to any compensation she wanted to exact from me. I owed her far more than I could ever give.
She led me inside the church proper, into one of the pews close to the back. Her steps were light again, almost dancing like the first time I'd seen her. She wore a white cotton dress with light blue flowers on it.
"Were you christened?" I asked her.
She laughed. "Oh yes, first communion, confirmation, the works. Dad made sure I was brought up a good little Catholic girl."
She knelt down, looking at the front of the church, instead of me. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I realised we were alone in the church. I ached to touch her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to disturb her.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the envelope that held what I needed to tell her. The words I could never seem to say. I leaned down and slipped it into her bag, praying that she didn't open it until I was out of reach. Maybe after she'd read it and cooled down a little, she'd speak to me again. Maybe even forgive me, at least a little.
I jumped at a sudden sound. Someone came in behind us, walked up the aisle and then stepped through an open door to the side, closing it behind him. He didn't even glance at us. I hoped he hadn't seen me with my hand in Caitlin's bag.
I looked askance at Caitlin, but she still knelt, looking at the front of the church or praying, for all I knew.
"He's going to reconciliation, Nathan," she said suddenly. "He'll express how sorry he is for the bad things he's done and the priest will tell him that God forgives him for them. Sometimes, you have to do a penance for them, too." She still wouldn't look at me.
I felt chilled. She was going to kill me and my last words would be in that letter. "Oh, confession. You want me to go in there with a priest and confess all the bad things I've done?"
"If you like." She grinned at me suddenly, looking like the cat who'd stolen the fillet steak. "I have."
I started to shake my head, knowing one of the last things I wanted to do right now was tell some stranger about the bad things I'd done. I could barely tell her what she already knew. A sudden thought distracted me. "What sort of things do you have to confess to?" I asked.
"When I was at school, we were taught not to ask anyone that question, because it's not polite," she admonished me, turning back to look at the front of the church. I thought she'd finished, but after a pause she continued, "Killing people isn't exactly condoned and I think lying to police and perjury are considered sins, regardless of the reasons for them."
"I haven't..." I began, than changed what I was going to say. "I don't have anything I want to tell a priest."
"You never told anyone about him, did you? You said I killed him, in self-defence." Caitlin's eyes were dark pools pointed at me. "I don't think it's a god's forgiveness you want," she said carefully. "At school, the teacher drummed into us that reconciliation wasn't so much about what you'd done, or what you'd failed to do, but how you were sorry for it and intended to make amends."
I didn't know what to say. I'd known this time would come and I dreaded telling her the truth. That's why I wrote it down, so I'd know I said it all, even if I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. They'd flowed through my fingers far more easily.
I'd kept putting it off in the hope that maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe she'd never remember it all. Fucking stupid hope.
She'd never forgotten any of it.
I fell to my knees. "Caitlin, I'm so sorry."
She turned her big, dark, sad eyes on me. They shone in the last rays of sunlight streaming through the high window as they filled with tears. "Chris. Why did you do it, Nathan?"
I took a deep breath. It didn't help. "It was my job to watch them kidnap someone and get out with the witness. But I didn't... couldn't..." My voice failed and I tried again. "I didn't know what they'd done to you until that night on the beach. Then it was too late. I'd let them hurt you like that and I hadn't done a thing to stop them."
"Why did you kill him?" Her voice shook as she said it.
I hesitated, not even sure of the answer to this myself any more. "I thought it was for Alanna, or even for me. Maybe it was for you. I... just... couldn't let him live... knowing... what he did... and what I didn't. How I'd failed." It felt like my entire digestive tract was so heavy it had dropped out of me onto the floor at my feet, taking my voice with it, leaving a gaping hole where my guts used to be.
She knew.
Her voice was sad and calm. "Why me, Nathan? Why did they choose me?"
I couldn't meet her eyes. "I couldn't take my eyes off you. She saw and picked you. Out of the hundreds of people walking down the Terrace that day, they picked you. And I couldn't stop them."
A tear stood bright on her cheek, but she wiped it away.
"I think you have a lot to answer for. What you put me through can't be undone, but you helped me recover from it. You even saved my life. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive you for it." Suddenly, she rose and walked out of the church.
"Wait. Please." I hurried to follow her out.
When she stopped, it was so sudden that I almost bumped into her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I couldn't say it enough.
She turned to face me, so close I could feel the warmth of her body, not quite touching me. She slid an arm around my waist to steady herself, as she stretched up onto her toes. She reached up with her other hand to my throat, her fingers moving up in a slow caress to my cheek, where she stopped. The heel of her hand was under my chin, her fingers curved up around my cheek. "Forgiven," she breathed, before she gave me a lingering kiss.
My heart ached in a void, daring to beat in hope.
Tell her about the letter.
She stepped back and looked up at me, a sad smile on her face. "Goodbye, Nathan."
In despair, I wondered if there was anything I could say to change her mind. "I love you," I whispered, realising I meant it.
She didn't hear. Her light, dancing step carried her into the evening cafe crowd and out of my sight. Caitlin never looked back.
I couldn't leave. I couldn't make myself move. I couldn't stand to shift from the spot where Caitlin had kissed me so sweetly for what might have been the last time.
She knew.
Dusk faded to darkness and still I stood, wishing, hoping, praying that she'd read the letter and return. She said she'd forgiven me!
Out of the darkness, I heard a live band in one of the nearby pubs start their first set, covering a Powderfinger song.
"Who's gonna pick you up..."
Lifting her up when she was unconscious, on the beach, on the road outside the ambulance, in the hospital... Even now my arms felt empty without her.
"... Who's gonna play your fool..."
Bloodied handprints on the quilt... a silent scream... running. NO. Don't think it.
"... Who's gonna watch your back..."
Her pulling me down as the gunshot echoed in the dark night... She'd saved my life.
Oh God, she knew in the TV interview and she never said anything, either. Two weeks ago, with the police... fuck! She was protecting me...
"... Who's gonna be there at the end..."
End it. Her whisper in the TV studio. Her lying on the beach, her eyes on me as she held a gun to her own head. Agonising memory that haunted my nightmares. Who would be there to protect her if they found her? She'd turn the weapon on herself before she'd let them take her back...
"... Who's gonna fall down at your..."
... trying to help her... in hospital, on the beach, on the road by the ambulance as the blood pooled beneath her...
"... fall down at your..."
Here in the church... begging for her forgiveness... when I should have been begging her to stay with me.
"... FALL DOWN at your feet?"
Did he have a fucking stutter? On my knees on the dull grey concrete outside a church, I was angry at a stupid singer I couldn't even see.
The letter. Fuck, the letter.
I staggered to my feet.
I had to find her.
I needed to know.
The nightmare may be over for Caitlin, but for Nathan it's just begun.
Awake or asleep – Nathan's angel has the answers.
Caitlin will tell her own story in Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Demelza Carlton has always loved the ocean, but on her first snorkelling trip she found she was afraid of fish.
She has since swum with sea lions, sharks and sea cucumbers and stood on spray drenched cliffs over a seething sea as a seven-metre cyclonic swell surged in, shattering a shipwreck below.
Demelza now lives in Perth, Western Australia, the shark attack capital of the world.
The Ocean’s Gift series was her first foray into fiction, followed by the Nightmares trilogy.
Want to know more? You can follow Demelza on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or her website, Demelza Carlton’s Place at:
http://www.demelzacarlton.com
Don’t forget to review Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer before you go!
What was YOUR favourite part?
Contents
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Part 18
Part 19
Part 20
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
Part 28
Part 29
Part 30
Part 31
Part 32
Part 33
Part 34
Part 35
Part 36
Part 37
Part 38
Part 39
Part 40
Part 41
Part 42
Part 43
Part 44
Part 45
Part 46
Part 47
Part 48
Part 49
Part 50
Part 51
Part 52
Part 53
Part 54
Part 55
Part 56
Part 57
Part 58
Part 59
Part 60
Part 61
Part 62
Part 63
Part 64
Part 65
Part 66
Part 67
Part 68
Part 69
Part 70
Part 71
Part 72
Part 73
Part 74
Part 75
Part 76
Part 77
Part 78
Part 79
Part 80
Part 81
Part 82
Part 83
Part 84
Part 85
Part 86
Part 87
Part 88
Part 89
Part 90
Part 91
About the Author
Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer (Nightmares Trilogy) Page 23