It was the summer of 1988, and it was hotter than a muthafucker. I woke up sweating half to damn death in a house that was pitch-black. I got out of bed and rubbed my eyes, trying to maneuver my way through the house without falling and breaking my neck. Once I made it to the hall I could hear my mother’s voice. She was on the phone yelling.
“What do you mean you can’t pay the bills anymore, Jimmy? Your son lives here,” she yelled. “So you’re gonna let that bitch dictate how you take care of your responsibilities?”
I made my way to the top of the stairs to finish eavesdropping. This was the first time I’d ever heard my parents have an argument.
“It’s ninety-five degrees outside, Jimmy. We are in here in the dark with no air. You could’ve at least given me a warning,” she yelled with her voice cracking. I could tell from where I stood that she was trying hard to fight back tears.
“You know what, Jimmy? Fuck you and that bitch. I hope both of you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers on,” she yelled before slamming the phone down.
A few seconds later I heard the sound of her lighter followed by the burning of her Newport cigarette. I didn’t want her to know that I’d heard her conversation so I tried to tiptoe back to my room. I hadn’t noticed my skateboard in the middle of the floor, and stubbed my toe.
“Ouch,” I said aloud as I bent down to move the skateboard out of the way.
“Dontay?” my mother hollered up the stairs.
“Yes, Mom,” I replied.
“Come downstairs so I can talk to you for a minute.”
“Okay,” I said as I made my way back toward the stairs. I crept down the stairs already having it in my head that I would act clueless of what I’d heard. She was sitting on the sofa near the door. I walked over and sat down next to her. “What’s wrong with the electricity, Mom? It’s hot in here.”
“I know, baby. I’ll have to wait until they open up and go over to take care of the bill. I honestly forgot that it was due, but I’ll take care of it. You can go around your grandmom’s if it’s too hot in here for you.”
“No, it’s okay,” I replied. I knew that she hadn’t forgotten about the bill. I didn’t want her to feel even worse that she already did by running to my grandmom.
“Why don’t you go take a cold shower. That should help you cool off. It’ll only be a couple of hours before they open,” she said.
“Okay,” I said as I got up and went back upstairs.
The light was starting to peek in through the blinds. This was the first time that we’d ever experienced any type of hardship. I hated to see my mother upset. At ten, there wasn’t much that I could do to fix the problem. I thought that maybe if I went and talked to my father myself, he would have a little sympathy and give us the bill money.
After my mom left, I got dressed, put on my backpack, and went out to walk to my father’s house. I didn’t tell my mom about my intentions because I knew that she would never approve. It took me an hour and a half to make it to his home by foot. I was hot and exhausted. I didn’t see my father’s Mercedes sitting in the driveway. As a matter of fact, there was a FOR SALE sign sticking out of the grass. I became enraged as I thought about the fact that he’d up and leave. I walked behind the rosebush that sat in front of one of the windows and tried to look inside. All of the furniture was gone. Nothing was visible except the newly polished cherry-wood floors. I walked around to the rear of the house and that was empty as well. The patio door appeared to be cracked open so I went over and tugged it open. I walked inside slowly.
“Hello. Is anybody home?” I said. The last thing I needed was someone coming out and shooting my ass. Satisfied that I was alone I walked in every room and each room was empty. I was on my way out of the back door when something came over me. I wanted him to pay. The only thing that I could think of doing at the time was damaging his home and putting a halt to his sale. I went in my backpack and pulled out my pencil case. Inside were crayons, markers, paint, you name it. I took every color of every medium I had and marked up the freshly painted white walls. In every room I wrote FUCK YOU and GO TO HELL. My handwriting was terrible, but you could understand what I was saying loud and clear. I threw colored paint all over the floors and countertops in the kitchen. The tile in the bathroom was covered with a nice shade of red. I was furious before I even truly understood what fury felt like.
Once I was satisfied with the damage I picked up my backpack and left the same way that I’d come in. This time, instead of walking, I ran as fast as I could. I ran about twenty blocks before I stopped running. I bent over breathing heavily. After getting a second wind, I continued home. Once I got there my mother was on the steps with an angry face. She got up once she noticed me.
“Where the hell have you been, Dontay? Why would you leave the house without telling me where you were going? And what the hell happened to your clothes? Why are you covered with paint?” she asked without stopping to take a breath in between questions.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I went to the playground with my friends and lost track of time,” I lied.
“Don’t you ever do that shit again. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Mom, I understand.”
“Now go in the house and get cleaned up. I’ll fix you lunch in a few minutes.”
I went inside and immediately felt the cool air. The electricity was back on. At least I could sleep comfortably. I went and took off my soiled clothes and took my second shower of the day. Just as I was getting out I heard a commotion downstairs followed by loud screams. I hurried and put on my boxers and opened the door. As I ran to the stairs, I saw my father and mother in the living room, arguing.
“I know it was you, Olivia. You really came and threw paint all over my fucking house like a goddamn child?” he yelled.
“I didn’t come to your house. I was at the electric company trying to get my service cut back on since you decided to cut us off.”
“No one else but you would do that shit. I wasn’t born yesterday. That shit won’t make me come back to you and it damn sure won’t make me give you no fucking money. You have to be the most vindictive bitch I know.”
“Bitch? Really, Jimmy? Now I’m a bitch ’cause you got your little wife now. Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my house,” she yelled pushing him.
Immediately he pushed her back making her fall to the ground. I ran down the stairs as fast as I could to come to her aid. He was walking over to her with his fists balled up.
“Stop it! Don’t hit her,” I yelled standing in between them.
“Stay out of grown folks’ business, boy. Get out the way,” he yelled pushing me aside.
“Stop. It wasn’t her. It was me. I did it, okay? I damaged the house,” I said with tears forming.
He stood there silent before swiftly hitting me with a backhand across the face that lifted me up off the ground. I landed on top of my mother.
“Just leave, okay? Just go. I’ll never ask you for anything again. Just leave us alone,” my mother cried as she cradled me in her arms. Her tears were running down her cheeks and landing on my face.
“Fuck this and fuck y’all,” he said before turning and walking out of the door.
“It’s okay, baby. We’ll be fine. We’ll be just fine.”
Chapter Three
Motherless
Desire
“Lala, I’m gonna walk to school today. You don’t have to drive me,” I said as I ran down the stairs and grabbed my school bag off the hook near the front door.
“Why not?” she asked with one hand on her right hip.
“Because I just want to walk.”
“You better not be up to nothing. Did you say bye to Mom?”
“For what? She never says bye to me,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Stop it, D. You know she’s depressed.”
“Shit, so am I! I gotta go or I’m gonna be late.” I hurried out of the door before she could reply.
I wasn’t in the mood to argue with
her about that shell of a woman. Honestly, it wasn’t worth my breath. I’d made it through the past six years without her as a mother, so there wasn’t any need to fake it now. Neither of us was interested in the other’s well-being, and that was one thing she’d passed on to me that I could actually appreciate. I hurried around the block and quickly made it to my girl Octavia’s house. She was standing on the steps, waiting for me.
“About time,” she said, rolling her neck.
“Sorry. I was trying to make sure my outfit was together.”
“I hope that’s not what you’re wearing.”
“Hell, no. It’s under here. Let me go fix my makeup then we can go.”
“Girl, you’re lucky my mom already left for work. We have to hurry before my dad comes back.”
“Okay. I only need ten minutes.” I ran inside and up the stairs to her bedroom and quickly took off the long dress the concealed the miniskirt and cropped top I had on underneath. In record time I was dressed to impress. I checked to make sure I looked perfect. We were on our way over to the Hangout, a local strip club and lounge where all the dope boys hung out. We were going over to my girl Shany’s house until it opened at noon since her parents both worked the day shift. That would give us enough time to sneak a few drinks out of her daddy’s cabinet to get nice and tipsy.
“Hurry up!” Octavia yelled.
“Okay, okay,” I said as I gathered my things and ran down the stairs. “I’m ready, damn.”
“Yeah, you’ll really be screaming damn if my dad comes in and catches us.”
“All right, let’s go.”
We walked the five blocks to Shany’s house and went in through the yard like we always did when we cut school. There were too many nosy-ass old people on her block, and they would surely run and tell her mom we were there.
“About time y’all got here,” she said as we entered the shed kitchen.
“Where the drinks at?” I said with a big-ass smile and a giggle. I was ready to get the party started.
“Right here. What you want? I got vodka, gin, rum. My daddy got all the good shit in here,” Shany said, walking over to the liquor cabinet.
“Give me the rum,” Octavia said.
“Yeah, me too. Last time that gin fucked up my stomach,” I said.
She poured us all a glass. We sat at the table sipping and talking. I’d been eyeing this one guy for the past month. He was much older than me so I knew he wouldn’t be interested in me unless I could convince him that I was older than I really was.
“I’m hoping today is the day,” I said.
“The day for what?” Octavia said setting her glass down on the table.
“That I get his attention.”
“And what do you plan to do when you do? Huh? Little Miss Virgin.” Shany burst out laughing.
“I haven’t thought that far yet,” I replied.
“Well, you know those niggas ain’t paying no attention to someone who ain’t giving up the pussy,” Shany said.
“Who said that I wouldn’t give it up? Just because I’m a virgin now doesn’t mean I’ll be one forever.”
Honestly, I was ready to have sex, but I didn’t want them to know that. I was tired of being the butt of their jokes. I knew that I would need more than brains to snag a dope boy, but I’d do whatever it took to make sure I was on one of their arms. I wanted a man who was just like Tyrese: smart, street smart, fine as hell with tons of money. I refused to settle for anything less than the boss, because that’s what Tyrese was. Yeah, being with a man like that had a lot of risks, but it was worth it to me.
“So what time are we going to head over?” I asked, changing the subject. Anything to take the attention off of me.
“I guess we can leave out around twelve unless y’all have somewhere else you want to go on the way,” Shany said.
“No, twelve is cool,” Octavia replied.
We sat and talked for the next few hours before we were on our way. We didn’t need fake IDs to get in since Shany was sleeping with the bouncer at the door. Octavia and I made our way inside while Shany stayed at the door chatting with her boo. There were a few people scattered around the place. We only came here on Fridays, because that was the day the real bosses made an appearance.
“You wanna get a drink?” Octavia asked.
“If I drink anything else I’ll probably vomit. I’m good.”
“Well, shit, I need one. Walk me to the bar,” she said, grabbing me by the arm, and dragging me along to the bar.
She sat down on the stool as I stood next to her watching the door. I was waiting for him to appear: Dontay, my dream man. He was running shit on this side of town. From what I heard, he inherited the business from his brother, but I wasn’t sure how much of that was the truth. You know how the streets are: you can’t believe everything you hear.
“Girl, stop looking desperate. Sit your ass down. If he’s coming you’ll know when he arrives,” she said, pulling me over to the stool.
“I’m not looking desperate. I just like to watch my surroundings,” I replied as I slid onto the stool.
“Whatever. Here, I got you a drink.” She slid me a cup.
I was daydreaming so hard that I hadn’t even heard her order it. “I said I didn’t want anything else to drink.”
“When have I ever listened to you?”
“Never.”
“Exactly. Now take a damn sip and relax.”
I tried my best to relax. I was bobbing my head to the music and enjoying myself.
“Yo, send three bottles over to Dontay,” a male voice screamed over the music to the bartender.
I almost spit my drink out when I heard his name. I slowly turned my chair around as the man made his way over to the back. There he sat, looking like he’d stepped off the pages of a GQ magazine.
“He’s here,” I said to Shany and Octavia as they were engrossed in a conversation about their men.
“I know, he’s been here. I saw him when he came in,” Shany replied.
“Well, why the hell didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I knew you’d get all hype and play yourself. Just chill. If it’s meant to be, he’ll notice you.”
I wanted to pout like a five-year-old, but I didn’t. I just turned back around and began to think about what I would say if I ever got the chance to have a conversation with him. An hour later, I still hadn’t gotten so much as a glance from him. I was feeling defeated. I was ready to go.
“What time are y’all planning to leave? I’m over this,” I said.
“We can leave now if you want. It’s almost two-thirty anyhow. That’ll give me enough time to get home before three,” Shany said.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I said.
“Cool, let’s go,” Octavia said.
We made our way to the door. As Shany stood and kissed her man Lou good-bye, Octavia and I stood to the side, waiting. Just then, Dontay and some big-ass nigga walked out of the club. He was huge. I figured it was his security or something. I froze while trying not to stare too hard. For a second we made eye contact. He smiled, licked his sexy lips, and chuckled before walking over to an all-black Ford Expedition across the street. He hopped in the passenger seat and just as they drove off he smiled at me once more. I almost jumped out of my miniskirt I was so excited.
“He smiled at me, did you see it?” I said with the biggest grin on my face.
“Really, D? He smiled? You are whipped and you haven’t even gotten any yet,” Octavia said as she laughed.
I didn’t even respond. Even if she didn’t see it as a big deal, I did. A smile was more than I’d ever gotten from him. At that moment, I was on cloud nine, and I knew that things could only get better from there.
Chapter Four
Life’s a Bitch
Alisha
I was twelve when it happened. The day the Johnson boys ripped my young pussy to shreds. I was on my way back home from the store and was distracted by the kids playing in the fire hydrant
. I’d just gotten my hair done so I was praying that none of the boys would pick me up and throw me into the water. My mom had sent me to pick up a few things for dinner. We were always struggling financially and since she sold most of her food stamps for drugs we often survived off of hot dogs, baked beans, and anything else sold in the corner Papi store.
I was walking at a fast pace but steadily keeping my eye on the kids at play. After a few steps, I tripped and fell flat on my face, dropping the bags that I carried. The cans of baked beans rolled out of the bag and into the street. I felt a stinging in my bottom lip and once I licked it, I tasted blood. I started to get up off the ground and was immediately pulled into the lot near the corner. I tried to scream but my mouth was covered by a pair of strong hands. I was kicking and grabbing at the arms that were tightly wrapped around my body preventing me from getting loose. I was pulled through an open door at the end of the lot, which led into the basement of an abandoned house. Once inside I was thrown onto a filthy mattress. The stench of piss flowed up through my nostrils causing me to gag and almost vomit. I heard laughing as I turned around attempting to get up off the mattress.
“Lay your ass back down, bitch,” Jesse Johnson said, shoving me back onto the mattress.
“Please don’t hurt me,” I cried. I was scared shitless.
“What you wanna do with her, Rick?” Jesse asked his older brother.
The Johnson boys were notorious in the neighborhood for starting shit. They’d also been known for forcing themselves on the young females around the way. Their father was a sergeant for the police department; therefore, they always got off scot-free. Jesse was fifteen and Rick was seventeen. Both of them were large for teenagers. Rick was all muscle while Jesse was fat as fuck. I couldn’t stand either of them, and I tried my best to steer clear of them.
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