“Really?” Trina was stunned. She didn’t think there was anything Martha was frightened of. “Is Seth afraid, too? He seems as reluctant to consult a medical doctor as you are.”
“Neh. His aversion comes from something else... I told you how his brother left the Amish to marry an Englischer? Well, she was a nurse. Ever since then, Seth hasn’t wanted to go anywhere near the hospital. He’s afraid he’ll bump into Kristine’s old friends and seeing them will stir up memories he’d rather let rest. I think he’s also developed a bias toward medical personnel. Seth doesn’t trust them because he felt Kristine fooled him. He says if they’d deceive people in their personal lives, they’d lie to patients in their professional lives, too.”
“That’s lecherich—” Trina protested.
“Jah, it is. But it’s probably ridiculous for me to be afraid, too, just because I had one bad operation when I was younger. Our perceptions and fears shape our truths and they shouldn’t, because often they’re wrong.”
“You’re right about that,” Trina agreed. Then she delved into how she’d found the letter from her grandfather and what he’d written about her mother wanting to come back. “All this time I thought my mamm resented living in Willow Creek. I never knew she wanted to return. Every time I asked her about it, she said we were better off in the Englisch world.”
“She was probably protecting you from knowing how much she wanted to return because she knew it wasn’t a possibility. She didn’t want you to feel sad on her behalf.”
Trina’s eyes overflowed. She’d ended up feeling sad on her mother’s behalf anyway.
“Would you ever think about staying in Willow Creek?” Martha asked quietly.
“I’ve considered it,” Trina replied as she dabbed her cheeks with a tissue. “But I don’t know what I’d do for a living around here.”
“The schoolteacher, Katie Yoder, is resigning at the end of the school year. I probably shouldn’t mention this, but she’s going to have a bobbel soon.”
Trina’s mood brightened. “Would the school board accept an Englisch schoolteacher?”
“They’ve done it in the past. Of course, they’d give preference to an Amish teacher.”
Trina was afraid to voice the question she’d mulled over and prayed about all night, for fear of the answer. “Do you think...do you think there’s any possibility I might become Amish?”
Martha pushed the rocker back and forth a few times before answering. “Ordinarily, I’d be doubtful. Most Englischers can’t adjust to our lifestyle. There are too many obstacles in the way. The language, for one. Giving up modern conveniences, for another. And many of them are drawn to the lifestyle but they don’t accept the faith that’s at the core of everything we do.”
Trina waited with bated breath to hear what Martha would say next.
“But given your background, as well as your faith and your demonstrated ability to forfeit modern conveniences, I think there’s a gut likelihood the bishop would allow it, through conversion and convincement...if it’s what you really want. But do you understand you’d be making the change for yourself and for the Lord, not for anyone else?”
Trina exhaled loudly. Now that the possibility was open to her, she knew it was exactly what she wanted. And she didn’t want to become Amish simply because her mother had wanted it for her, nor because she was in love with Seth—although both had influenced her decision. Trina wanted it for herself. “I do,” she said, as solemnly as if she were taking a wedding vow.
Martha was radiant. “Then we’ll make an appointment to meet with the deacons and the bishop. You’ll need an Amish woman to take you under her wing—I’ll volunteer, if you agree.”
“Of course I agree! I’d be so grateful,” Trina said. From what she could tell, Martha had been mentoring her since she arrived. She asked the older woman not to tell Seth yet. Trina wanted to deliver the news herself for the pleasure of seeing his initial response in person.
“I won’t say a word. Now, don’t you think this calls for a celebratory funny cake?”
Trina laughed. Her days of feeling like a funny cake herself—unsure of whether she wanted to be Amish or Englisch—had come to a close. She had no question what she wanted to be. “I think you should teach me a new Amish recipe. I’m ready to try custard pie now.”
The two women spent the rest of the afternoon baking. It was raining again so the boys were stuck inside but Trina was so elated she didn’t even mind playing Noah’s Ark another time. She positioned herself so she could see the lane, and when Seth’s buggy appeared she ran outside without an umbrella to tell him about her decision.
“What’s wrong? Is it my Groossmammi?” he asked when she burst into the stable—a place she’d tried to avoid because she was skittish around the livestock.
“Neh. Ethan said she checked out just fine,” she quickly assured him. “Please, kumme closer to the door so I can see your face in the light. I have something wunderbaar to tell you.”
Seth took a few steps closer. His hat was dripping so he removed it with one hand and raked his fingers through his hair with the other. He looked so handsome Trina almost forgot to speak and then the words rushed out. She told him about the letter and how she’d spoken to Martha and that she was going to stay in Willow Creek and join the Amish for good.
At first, Seth’s expression was serious and Trina knew he was taking it all in. But instead of growing happier, it seemed he grew graver, not uttering a word. When she finished speaking, he walked a few paces toward a post, then turned around and looked at her. Then he crossed to the other side of the stable and leaned against the opposite post, staring down at the hay strewn across the floor as if it were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.
She was on the brink of tears. “Aren’t you going to say something?”
He slowly looked at her and asked, “What is it you want to hear, Trina?”
“I want to hear how you feel,” she said, but suddenly, she wasn’t so sure she did.
* * *
Seth’s heart was making a racket in his ears. How he felt? On one hand, he was thrilled because this was too good to be true. And on the other hand—well, he was dubious because this was too good to be true. So which feeling should he tell her about?
“I’m surprised. I’m—I’m shocked, really...” he stammered.
Trina’s chin was quivering. “That’s it? That’s your response?”
“How do you expect me to respond?” Seth snapped. Thunder rumbled in the distance; a spring storm was approaching.
“I don’t know.” Trina’s beautiful voice had gone monotone. “Forget I asked.”
“Wait.” He pulled her arm and she stopped but wouldn’t face him. He looked at the delicate swirl of her ear as he spoke. She might not be happy with what he was about to say but she deserved his honesty. “I’m apprehensive, Trina. I guess I’m—I’m afraid.”
“Afraid?” Trina repeated. “You’re afraid? Of what?”
Seth walked to a bale of hay and sat down. “I’m terrified I might believe you. Terrified you’ll change your mind. Terrified of what that would do to the buwe and Martha.” Choking, he added, “And to me. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve seen what it can do to a family...”
“Oh, Seth,” Trina said and sat down next to him, their knees separated by the thinnest slice of space. “I’m not like Kristine. I won’t change my mind. I want this more than anything. And I—wait, I’m probably saying the exact things she said, right?”
Seth nodded miserably. Kristine had said the same things. Over and over again. But in the end, she still changed her mind.
“I understand why you’d have your doubts. If I were in your shoes, I probably would, too,” Trina said. “So I won’t ask you to trust me. Instead, I’ll keep showing you—and all the leit in Willow Creek—that I am trustworthy. I am true to my word. Time will prove
it. You’ll see.”
Seth’s heart ballooned because Trina was so understanding about the source of his disbelief. The truth was, he wanted to trust her and at least that was a strong step in the right direction. He turned his face toward hers and took in her earnest eyes and winsome expression. He wished he could allow himself one kiss on those lips, which he imagined would feel as velvety soft as the petals of a rose. Just one kiss before he said what he had to say, because once he said it, he couldn’t take it back.
“You have to understand,” he carefully began. He didn’t want to sound presumptuous, but he needed her to know where he stood. “Even though your intention is to become Amish, until you’ve actually been baptized into the church, you’re still Englisch.”
“I understand,” she whispered, tilting her chin toward him. Their mouths were even closer now and he looked at her from beneath lowered eyelids as he spoke.
“Which means an Amish man in Willow Creek wouldn’t be allowed to court you. He wouldn’t be able to kiss you.” Seth’s mouth felt parched and he had to lick his lips before continuing. “He wouldn’t be allowed to tell you he loved you, no matter how much he wanted to.”
“I understand. And I would respect him for that, no matter how much I wanted all those things, too,” Trina stated seriously. “I would expect him to stay true to his beliefs and I wouldn’t tempt him to violate them in any way.” As if to prove it, Trina pulled her head back, stood up and walked toward the door.
Come back. Come closer, Seth thought, contradicting the very words he’d just spoken. But by moving away from him, Trina was demonstrating the sincerity of her intention to follow Amish practices and he loved her even more for that.
A sheet of rain fell outside the door but instead of exiting, Trina pivoted and said, “You know, Seth, I’m afraid, too. I’m afraid now that I’ve admitted how much I want this, I’m going to be turned down by the bishop. Martha said most people aren’t successful at converting.”
Seth had little fear of that and he said so. “You’re not most people, Trina. You’re different. You’re the most unique Englischer I’ve ever met. And I’ll support you through the convincement process however I can.”
“Denki,” Trina said, her skin aglow. “Now all I have to do is tell the realtor I’ve changed my mind about selling the house.”
“You’ll eventually have to get over your fear of barn animals, too,” Seth joked.
Trina giggled. “I’ve conquered my fear of hinkel. Next, my fear of mice. Eventually I’ll work my way up to horses and cows.”
“It won’t be easy,” Seth said, and suddenly he wasn’t joking anymore. “Not any of it.” He was referring to himself waiting to see if she was really going to stay.
“But it will be worth it. You’ll see,” Trina said, again erasing his fears.
“Oh, neh!” Seth smacked his palm against his forehead. “I just remembered. Today I made arrangements for Fannie to watch the kinner starting on May second until school lets out.”
Trina put her hands on her hips. “Fannie? That’s who you chose to replace me?”
“I didn’t want to, but there wasn’t anyone else. I was worried about my groossmammi.”
“Perhaps it’s for the best. Martha agreed to mentor me, so now we can spend time alone together without waiting for the buwe to take their naps. Fannie will keep them occupied.”
“More likely they’ll keep her frustrated.”
Trina giggled. “As long as no one winds up in the creek, I think you should be grateful.”
Seth laughed. He reveled in their rapport; at least he wouldn’t have to refrain from talking to her until she was baptized into the Amish church. Trina excitedly told him Martha was going to help her refine her Deitsch, sew an Amish wardrobe and learn to cook more Amish meals.
“Can I make a suggestion?” Seth asked and when Trina said yes, he continued, “Forget about refining your Deitsch. Instead, ask her to give you additional bread-making lessons. The loaves you make are like leather.”
Now Trina cracked up. “Jah, but you love leather.”
“I enjoy working with it, not chawing it.”
“You’d make a terrible lion,” she jested and they darted through the rain toward the house. Once he followed Trina inside, Seth shook his hair like a dog all over Timothy and Tanner, who were waiting for them at the door. They screeched with hilarity at his antics.
“It smells like custard pie in here,” Seth noticed immediately. “If dessert smells this appenditlich, I can’t imagine what we’re having for supper.”
“Actually, I haven’t put supper together yet,” Trina confessed. “Martha and I were so focused on baking the pie and talking about—”
“That’s okay,” Seth interjected. “I’m treating all of us to supper at Browns’ Diner on Main Street. Buwe, go tell Groossmammi,” he instructed and the boys raced down the hall.
“Are you sure?” Trina asked coyly. “Browns’ Diner is Englisch, isn’t it?”
“Jah, but there’s no rule against eating there and tonight is a special occasion,” Seth said, winking at her. “Besides, since you’re not returning to Philadelphia, you’d better get used to our local version of a Philly cheese-steak sandwich.”
“That’s probably the only thing I’m going to miss about Philadelphia,” she said. Everything else about living there pales in comparison to my life in Willow Creek.”
Seth knew exactly what she meant because he felt like every other woman paled in comparison to Trina.
* * *
Dianne Barrett was very understanding about Trina changing her mind. In fact, the realtor said she’d been hoping Trina would reconsider, since a quick sale wouldn’t work in Trina’s favor, given how much property she owned. To add to Trina’s joy, Martha arranged to have the bishop and one of the deacons call on them a few days later on the Sabbath, since it was an off Sunday. While Seth discreetly disappeared with the boys to the creek, Trina and Martha discussed Trina’s conversion with the two clergymen, who gave tentative approval of her efforts to begin the convincement process. There would be many formal requirements for her to meet before she was accepted into the church, but the deacon said he’d announce her intention the following Sunday, May first, when the leit gathered again for church.
Trina sailed through the week, as well as the following weekend. On Monday, May second, the lawyer visited her and finalized the paperwork for her to take ownership of her grandfather’s house, just as they’d arranged from the beginning. Since it was Fannie’s first day watching the buwe, Trina was free to meet with the attorney alone at home.
“Congratulations,” he said, handing her the deed. “The house is yours to sell.”
“I’m not selling. I’m staying,” Trina replied with a huge grin on her face.
That evening, right after she spied Fannie’s buggy heading back down the lane, Trina hurried next door to tell Martha and Seth it was official: she owned the house. The boys greeted Trina from where they were stomping in puddles in the lane. Seth must have permitted them to engage in their favorite activity in order to burn off a little energy before bedtime.
“Trina, Groossmammi said she’s going to your house tomorrow by herself. Why can’t we kumme, too?” Tanner questioned.
“Fannie said we’re not allowed,” Timothy told him. “Remember? She said Trina might be able to wash Daed’s brain but she wasn’t going to let her wash our brains.”
“Is that true?” Tanner asked Trina. “I don’t think I want my brain washed.”
Trina was appalled. Had Timothy not heard right or did Fannie really say that? Because Seth didn’t want the boys to accidentally tell other people about Trina’s intention to convert, she’d agreed not to let Timothy and Tanner know until it had been announced in church on Sunday. Although Trina hadn’t been able to attend the service, Seth informed her on Sunday evening the boys hadn�
�t been present when the announcement was made. He suggested he’d sit down with Timothy and Tanner to talk about it when he had time to explain it thoroughly and answer any questions they had. Meanwhile, apparently word had spread to Fannie’s district within hours.
“I think Fannie heard wrong because I’m not washing anyone’s brains, I promise,” Trina assured Tanner. “And if your groossmammi says you may kumme to my house with her tomorrow, then you may. I’ll go talk to her about it now.”
The boys whooped and resumed puddle jumping as Trina knocked on the kitchen door. There was no answer but Seth approached from the stable and warned the boys they had five more minutes to play. He let Trina inside, telling her Martha was resting because her head hurt.
“Because of her eyes again?”
“Maybe. Or maybe it was because of the kind of day she had.”
Trina thought the latter was more likely the cause. Seeing dirty dishes piled in the sink, Trina felt a twinge of complacency knowing Fannie wasn’t able to manage the household as well as Trina had. “I’m here to tell you and Martha it’s official—the house is mine!” she exclaimed.
“That’s wunderbaar,” Seth said. “You made it two months. Now let’s see if you can make it two years.”
His comment reminded Trina of when she first met him and she wasn’t sure if he was teasing or not, but she shrugged it off, retorting, “From the looks of it, you should be more worried about if your new nanny can make it here two days.” Then she told him about Fannie’s remark and asked when he was going to tell Timothy and Tanner that Trina was staying.
Seth hesitated, and this time Trina was insulted. She knew he still didn’t fully believe she was here for good. It pained her, but considering all he’d been through with Freeman and Kristine, she understood. “Seth, I know it’s difficult for you to believe, but I assure you I’ve already put every last Englisch thing out of my life. I even donated my Englisch Bible to my church. I’ll use my groossdaadi’s German one, instead. From this moment forward, I’m going to live as an Amish person would, except when taking liberties would be inappropriate.”
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