by Lora Ann
His intent stare told me he wasn’t buying my line of BS. Too damn bad. I pulled free of him and hightailed it out the door. Before going much further, I stopped and leaned heavily against the wall. My whole life was on the verge of detonating and I was helpless to stop the impending implosion. It took every ounce of willpower I could muster not to turn back and run straight into Alex’s arms. I loved that man. So much it hurt. Yet I knew I was no good for him. And that was what gave me the courage to push off that wall and continue without looking back.
*****
I ended up in the garden where Aimee was sitting quietly. Her head was bowed and she was murmuring—no, praying—under her breath. The only word that I could make out wasn’t a word but a name. “Lilly.” She was praying for my girl. Tears streamed down her face and I couldn’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around her. Physical contact was something I tried to avoid unless you had gained my trust; therefore hugging Lilly and Ari every possible chance came easy. I seemed to let Alex back into my life without much hesitation. Aimee had been nothing but kind to me from the beginning. There was no judgement in her, ever. She had such a kind soul and was always welcoming. I waited until she had finished and then addressed, “Thank you.”
“Please don’t, Sofie.” Her pained voice told me she really was having a hard time dealing with this.
“It’s not your fault,” I countered.
She shook her head, pulling away from me and standing. “Yes it is. I should’ve done more. Stayed with her. Something. Anything. Instead, I left. And now…” She broke right there before my eyes. The stepping stones met her knees hard enough that I was positive she’d hurt herself. Her arms wrapped around her middle as she sobbed. My heart ached for her. Survival guilt was horrendous on a good day. Doing the only thing I could think of, I knelt down on those stones and held her with everything in me. “Aimee, I don’t blame you. Neither does Lilly,” I whispered. Lord, what would happen to this sweet woman if my daughter didn’t make it? No! I couldn’t let myself go to such a morose place. Lillian didn’t deserve that. Aimee needed hope. But there was the bottom line, hope and I didn’t exactly get along. Surely I could locate some for her though. “All is not lost.”
“No, lille. It’s not.” The deep rasp of Nik’s voice could be felt as well as heard.
Love permeated the air, along with the ache in his own soul for hers. When Nik lifted his wife into his arms, my breath hitched. To be that cherished. That loved. That wanted. I clung to myself as my face met the cold, unforgiving stones. Fitting, for I’d become the Ice Queen. This wasn’t who I was! A firm touch on my upper back drew my head up.
Nik held out a hand from underneath Aimee’s legs. “Come on, Sofie. Let’s go back inside.”
I grasped the lifeline he offered and saw compassion in his eyes. He knew. All of a sudden No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” played loudly in my head. Though, this time around, it was me causing pain, not Alex. And the look in Nik’s eyes said it all: you brought this upon yourself. I glanced away and replied, “He’s not completely innocent, Nik.”
“You both need a good ass kicking,” he stated dryly.
Of course he was right, but I would never tell him that. “Maybe what’s best for everyone is if I leave.”
Nik readjusted his still crying wife, kissed the top of her head and then declared, “If my brother doesn’t mean enough to you that you’d fight for him, please do.” With that he gave his undivided attention to Aimee. Susurrating soft words of encouragement and love as he walked away with her nuzzled close to his chest. The sight alone was enough to rip a sob from deep within me. What he didn’t understand. What Alex couldn’t grasp. Love fueled the reason why I was doing this.
Somewhat pulling myself together, I went back to sit with Lilly. Numb. Heartbroken. Determined. No matter what or who pleaded Alex’s case, my mind was made up. I was leaving. And nothing could stop me.
*****
The next few days proved uneventful. I continued to avoid any real conversation with Alex, or anyone else for that matter. Exception was Ari. She kept mentioning some boy she’d met in physical therapy. Zane I think was his name. Strange…Lilly was with a young man by the same name. How many Zanes were there? I didn’t think much of it because Lilly’s Zane had been severely injured. And I wasn’t sure he’d pulled through the ordeal. I supposed it was easy enough to find out. As I folded Lilly’s clothes, something peeking out from the pocket caught my eye. These were the ones she’d been wearing during the shooting. I hadn’t really wanted to touch them. But when they fell out of the bag, I was compelled to return them. For whatever reason, I decided that wadding them up and tossing them back inside was disrespectful to her. Therefore I was folding clothes that should be in the trash. I pulled the paper free of its confines. Scrawled in messy handwriting was the statement: Purchased on April 24th by Senator Caleb Reynolds. Lillian Jane Hoffman was signed underneath it. What the hell was this?! I sat staring at it, trying to make sense out of things. Light bulb finally came on. My God, Caleb bought Lilly. Then came comprehension, this could be the one thing Alex needed to finally stop Reynolds. I popped out of the chair like a bottle rocket and rushed towards the door. All of a sudden, machines that were attached to Lilly went crazy. I covered my ears as doctors and nurses rushed in. “What? What’s going on?” I shouted above the deafening noise.
Someone yelled back, “Get her out of here!”
Promptly removed from the room, I stood in the hallway shell-shocked. I sank to the floor, disbelief consuming me. She’d been getting minutely better each day. What had just happened? A wheelchair blocked my line of sight. I looked up into the stormy gray eyes of a handsome, dark haired young man. I tilted my head to one side. “Zane?”
“Is this Lilly’s room?” he replied without answering my question.
“Yes.” He rolled towards the door as I hopped to my feet. “But you can’t go in there right now.”
“Why not?”
“Something went wrong,” I cried out.
“Oh,” he contemplated for a moment. “Will she be okay?”
“I don’t know,” my breath hitched as the tears fell.
He held out his hand. “Yes, I’m Zane.”
I shook hands with him. “Sofie Fields, Lilly’s stepmother.”
He smiled. “She’s mentioned you.”
The door swung open where a doctor stood. “Ms. Fields?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Is there anyone you’d like to have with you?”
It was wrong to do this to him, but I couldn’t hear what they had to say without his strength. “Alex Strand,” I choked out on a hiccup.
“I’ll send for him. Would you please follow me?”
I turned back to Zane. “As soon as I know something, I’ll find you.”
He only nodded before turning his chair and wheeling it down the hall. I went with the doctor. The entire time playing every possible scenario through my head. When we entered the room with a table and a few chairs, he offered, “Would you like some water?”
“Yes, please.” He handed it to me as a knock on the door demanded his attention. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he responded to me. And then replied, “Come in,” to the person who had been knocking.
Alex entered the room as I glanced away out of guilt. Really he was the last person who should be here with me. Selfishness at its finest. He took a seat next to me and grasped my hand. His support said more than any words could have. The doctor proceeded, “Lilly’s brain activity has fallen below five percent. It would be for the best to disconnect life support.”
I blinked several times attempting to process what he had just said. Surely he was mistaken. My beautiful nineteen-year-old girl was not gone. She was not! I stood abruptly and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Alex grabbed a hold of me and consoled, “Shh, Sofie. I’m right here.”
I began to beat on his chest with my fists. “Tell him she’s not gone. TELL
HIM!” I bellowed.
I distantly heard the doctor as he said, “I’ll leave you two alone. I’m so sorry.” It was as if he were speaking through a pipe like they had at playgrounds—the kind where a child stood at one end, while another was only a few feet away as they spoke into it. Lilly loved to play with those when she was a little girl. They reminded me of the game telephone. Alex gently shook me. “Sofie, talk to me.”
I began to wail, holding tightly to his shirt. He simply held me until I could form a coherent sentence. I brushed my hand along his soaking wet shirt. “I ruined it.”
“What?” he inquired baffled.
“Your shirt.”
“I have plenty more.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do,” I answered from a far off place. Autopilot had become my best friend as I tried to exit the room. Alex wrapped his arm around my waist. “Sofie?”
“Let me do this before I can’t,” I begged.
“Alright, kjære. Just remember you’re not alone.”
Ah, but I am Alex. Because everyone I loved was lost to me, whether by my hand or a turn of events. That was my lot—to be forever the one left behind. Utterly broken. Neither he nor anyone else could put me back together again. Humpty Dumpty had nothing on me.
*****
I watched as they ran through all the procedures, holding Lilly’s hand. She was warm. They had to be wrong. Kissing Lilly’s face over and over, I whispered in her ear, “Show them what you’re made of.”
Alex held my other hand. “Whenever you’re ready, Sofie.”
I nodded and croaked out, “Do it.”
I wouldn’t let my daughter go, hoping with every cell in me that she would keep breathing on her own. They had been right. I held the body of my precious girl as it shut down, but Lilly was not in there. Jars of Clay singing “I’ll Fly Away” began to play. How strange? I glanced over at Alex who was just as stunned as I was. The doctor and nurse who were there had bewildered looks on their faces too. Alex began to search for the source and discovered Lilly’s busted cell phone amongst her bloody clothes. I had assumed the cell wasn’t recoverable since it had been completely shattered. Yet there it was playing music. As if Lilly herself had reached down to tell me not to worry about her that she was in a much better place. “I hear you, angel,” whispering as I stroked her face.
Alex added, “Rest in peace, precious one.” Then his voice took on a harsh tone. “I will bring the monster responsible to justice. You have my word,” he vowed solemnly.
There was no doubt in my mind he meant it. Alex Strand would not rest until Caleb Reynolds paid for his crimes. Question was, could Alex survive this battle? And if he did, would he come out unscathed? I already had my answer. No one walked through hell and faced the devil without a few scars to tell the story.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alex
The worst thing I’d seen was when Sofie held Lilly’s bloody body in Caleb’s house. I had once thought that. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Though, on many levels it had gutted me. The most unspeakable horror was to watch a mother lose her child. It didn’t matter that Sofie was not Lilly’s birth mom. As if biology alone made you family? No. Sofie raised Lilly until she was forced to let her go. Still, they had remained close. There were some things in life you hoped you’d never have to see, hear, or deal with as long as you lived. This would be one of them. Plus, I was oblivious on what to do. Sofie had distanced herself, and I was at a loss on how to get her back. A part of me acknowledged it was my own fault. I had not trusted her since she came back into my life. Why would she be inclined to lean on me or give me her trust during the most devastating time of her life? “Sofie, tell me what you need me to do?” I attempted again to reach out to her. We were now out in the waiting area tucked in an alcove. She was sitting on my lap but only there physically. Who knew where she had gone mentally. I shifted and tried again. “Please, let me in.”
Slowly she stood and without eye contact said, “I need to make arrangements.”
“I can help with that.”
“No,” she replied staidly.
I did my best not to take that personally and offered, “Can I call someone for you?”
“There’s no one, Alex. I would like to be alone now. Thank you.” Her robotic voice disturbed me, yet I knew everyone dealt with grief in their own way.
With reluctance I let her walk away, worried sick and helpless to do anything.
Nik joined me with coffee in hand. “It’s hard to watch someone we love suffer.”
God, I’d been so self-centered. Aimee was on the verge of mental breakdown. I turned to him. “I’m a dick. How can I help?”
A ghost of a smile hinted at the corner of his mouth. “I was just about to say the same to you.”
“Nik, I don’t know what to do for Sofie. And honestly, that’s a feeling I’m not sure how to process.”
“I feel ya, brother. I’m right there, too,” he admitted.
“Waiting sucks,” I declared.
“That it does. But I think when it comes to Sofie and Aimee it’s what we should do.”
“For now,” I added. Then it hit me. “Come on. There’s something we can do.” I stood and began walking down the hall with Nik matching my stride.
We entered the chapel and took a seat where both of us were silent for quite some time, praying. Afterwards, we decided to go check on Even.
As we entered the room, E greeted, “’Bout fucking time you two showed up.”
Lacey patted his hand. “They’ve been through a lot. Don’t give them too much hell.” She winked and stood up, giving both of us a hug.
E’s growl of possession said it all. Couldn’t fault my brother, we were all protective and territorial about the women we loved. I paused at that thought, remembering our father was the same way with Mom. Should’ve known it was in our DNA. Even brought me back with, “Don’t just stand there. Sit,” he commanded.
Lacey sashayed to the door. “I’ll be back to check on you guys in a bit. So behave,” she tacked on before leaving the room.
Nik whistled. “Damn, I love her.”
“She’s a keeper,” I nodded.
E grumbled, “I’d appreciate it if both of you would refrain from talking about my future bride.”
We all began to laugh. Felt good considering all the stress we’d been under lately.
“You’re just pissed you can’t kick our asses for it,” I pointed out.
“Hell yes, I am,” he confirmed.
Nik chimed in, “At least it’s not just Aimee now.”
I sobered at that. Would Sofie still be around once the dust settled? I wanted her to be but, for the life of me, couldn’t figure out how to make that a reality. E hadn’t missed a thing. “Alex, how can we help you with Sofie?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “Wish I knew, little brother.”
“Let Aimee get through this. I’m sure she’ll be more than willing to assist,” Nik declared.
I turned to him. “Does she know Lilly has passed away?”
“Fuuuuuuuck no.” He buried his head in his hands. “How the hell am I supposed to deliver that blow? It’s like I’m handing my own wife a death sentence.”
E sat up straighter. “How so, Nik?”
I explained, “Aimee isn’t handling things well.”
Nik scoffed, “Call a spade a spade, Alex.” His eyes met Even’s. “She consumed with survivor guilt. And I’m losing my damn mind trying to convince her she couldn’t have done anything differently.”
“Shit. What’d the docs have to say?” Even queried, and the sincerity along with loyalty was written across his face.
We all loved Aimee, and this was painstaking to watch her go through.
“Give her time,” Nik said with disbelief.
I understood that feeling. You wanted to make things happen. Needed to know you were fighting the good fight. To sit and wait as those you loved suffered in silence was a form of torture. Who the fuck was I kidding? It was
purgatory to the nth degree. “Which is something none of us are very good at it.” Wasn’t a question, it was a statement of fact.
Nik brought his gaze to mine. “You probably get it better than most, brother.”
Even chimed in, “How is Sofie?”
“Refusing to let me in,” I sneered, not because of her but me. I had caused this chain reaction and now had to deal with the consequences. “Serves me right,” I added, filled with self-deprecation.
“Owning your shit is half the battle,” E nodded his approval.
“Understanding her point of view and forgiving her is the way to a healthy relationship,” Nik affirmed.
“Doesn’t mean it’s easy,” I confirmed. “Nor does it mean she’s willing.” I sighed deeply and wiped my hand across my face, brushing the tears away. “I’m afraid Lilly’s passing has sealed the deal.”
“Mustard seed, Alex,” Nik reaffirmed.
“Fight harder,” Even demanded.
I tossed my hand in the air since the other was now resting in a sling to aid my shoulder. “How, exactly, do you expect me to do that? She won’t talk. She won’t respond to my touch. She won’t give me the fucking time of day!” With that I rose and began to pace. “I don’t know what else to try,” confessing with exasperation.
“Really, E, I’m not sure he can do more,” Nik pointed out.
“Sorry. You’re right of course,” E admitted. “I just have a difficult time being patient.”
Understatement if there ever was one. Even was a doer, shit, we all were make-it-happen type men. See something you want, go for it. Nik and I truly were in the same boat, playing the wait and see game. Sucked! I reiterated that thought with, “This bites.”
Nik grinned. “If I had Jameson, I’d raise my glass.”
I needed a change of subject. “When are they letting you out of this place, E?”
“Not soon enough,” he grumbled.
“And on that note, I need to go check on Aimee.” Nik stood and strode towards the door. He paused and looked back at me. “Alex, just be there for Sofie. I think it helps more than you realize.” The door clicked as it closed behind him.