by J. Darling
He felt guilty for so many things, but mostly because he was putting so much pressure on her for reasons she didn’t even know. Hell, the other night, he woke with a start thinking he was caught in the middle of a blinding sandstorm, and here it was just the howling blizzard winds, and then there’d been the day at the airport, when he’d heard the jet engines wine and scream. So, yeah, he could add noises to the growing list of problems he was experiencing, auditory triggers, angry outbursts, hypervigilance, flashbacks, and now nightmares. Great, just great. If they could just be together, then everything would go back to normal, he was sure of it. Now he just had to convince her of that too.
Pulling into the farmyard, she headed towards the house, as he went to the shop. It was soon to be milking time, and her father stepped out of the garage, talked with her a few moments, then headed over to where he was disconnecting the snowmobiles.
“She left here in tears, and came back in them. You seem to be the common denominator, and I’m not liking the way this is adding up. I promised her rest if she stayed, and right now she looks worse than when she arrived a week and a half ago. To say I’m less than pleased, would be an understatement.”
“We had a disagreement,” Nate tried to explain.
“Yeah, I gather that. I’m still not okay with it,” Karl answered bluntly.
“I’ll talk to her. We’ll work this out,” Nate assured him.
“You best make sure she doesn’t start crying again, or I’ll have your ass hauled off my property, and you won’t be welcomed back.” Then he turned and walked away.
After unloading the sleds, Nate went to her car and carried in her things. She was in the shower, and he waited for her to come down for dinner. When she did, she went to the kitchen to help dish up, and he followed. They all sat around eating in relative quiet, her brothers glancing at the two of them, and then away. When dinner was over, they all cleaned up and went their separate ways, except for her father, who stayed close.
Getting up to leave, he took her hand and pulled her over to the door, then kissed her on the forehead. Looking her in the eye, he asked, “Can we talk about this later? I know we can work things out.” She stared back at him for what seemed like forever, and then gave him a little affirming nod. Thank God! He took a deep breath, then gave her a gentle kiss before walking out the door.
With Nate gone, Linnie went to sit on the couch in the family room.
“You okay?” her Dad asked.
She nodded. “I’m just tired, I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Yeah, I pretty much figured that out. You going to hit the hay early then?”
“I think so.” she responded with a heavy sigh. “Goodnight, I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Going upstairs, she brushed her teeth, then headed to her room and closed the door, thankful for the privacy. She should’ve been surprised, but for some reason she wasn’t. There, on her bed waiting for her, was Nate. She stood there looking at him. All he did was open his arms, and she couldn’t help herself, she went to him.
Holding each other close, they lay together for some time without speaking, then Nate whispered, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I understand what you’re getting at, and even though you didn’t really say no, it felt like you did, and my heart couldn’t take it. I lashed out in anger, and I’m sorry I upset you, making you cry. I promised you I’d wait till you’re ready, and I will. I guess I’m just a little disappointed is all. I’ve waited so long to be with you, and I can’t stand us being apart, and I’m not referring to making love either, I’m talking about lying next to you, and holding you all night long.”
Kissing him first, then looking into his eyes, she whispered, “I’m sorry too, but I’m just not into the whole ‘let’s get married’ thing right now. Too much has happened in a short amount of time for both of us, and I can’t help but feel we need to take our time and let the dust settle some.”
Tightening his hold on her, he accepted her answer for what it was, a delay, not a denial. “Okay, we’ll slow it down, but I won’t promise that I won’t be sneaking into your bedroom each night.” Holding her and kissing her deeply, she responded passionately. He had to stop this. “Go to sleep. I’ll stay a while and then leave.”
“How’d you get in?”
“I unlocked your window when you were in the shower.”
“You’ll need to be super quiet when you leave.”
“Not a problem,” he answered with confidence. “Stealth is one of my Ranger specialties.”
**********
The next day Linnie was standing outside Nate’s house. When no one answered the door, she opened it and yelled for Bev. Bev had said she’d be home when she’d called earlier, so she knew Bev was expecting her. Going in, she found a note on the counter telling her to start some coffee and to make herself at home, and that Bev would be back in a few minutes. It seemed silly, but what Linnie really wanted to do was go lay on Nate’s bed. In fact, it took all her discipline to stop herself from doing just that. Seriously, how embarrassing would it be to have his mother walk in on her lying in his bed? She still wanted to do it though. Just then his mother walked in. Thank goodness.
“Hi, how are you, sweetie?” Bev asked, setting down her things and coming over to give her a hug.
“Good,” she answered.
Bev looked at her and said with a knowing smile, “You do know, that as a mother, I can see right through that answer, don’t you?”
Linnie felt bashful. “I…well…ummm, can we talk?”
“Yes, absolutely! Let’s make some coffee and have some of the treats I bought. I take it this is a girl’s talk, maybe, hmmm?”
Linnie took a guarded breath. “Maybe…some,” she answered.
“Come, sit, you can talk to me about anything,” Bev assured her.
She sat. “Well, I was wondering what you knew about Mikey.”
Bev’s eyebrows went up. “Not much really. Naomi stayed around for a little while after you left, but then she moved before Mikey was born. Several months later, we received a birth announcement, but that was it until she came to the house this past weekend with him.”
“She came here?” Linnie asked, surprised.
Bev nodded. “Yes, she wanted to talk with Nate in private, said she brought Mikey over for him to see, but Nate refused, and his dad and I supported him in that decision. Nate was furious, and after he took a look at Mikey, Naomi got up and left.”
“Do you still have the birth announcement?”
“Yes. Wait here, I’ll get it.”
Coming back, Bev handed her the announcement. Taking it, Linnie studied it. Then picked up her purse and took out a piece of paper and a pen. After doing some math, she sat back, thinking.
“What’s going on?” Bev asked.
After double checking her math, she looked at Bev and said, “I don’t think Nate’s Mikey’s father. I think he’s right when he says that’s not his child.”
Bev sat up in her chair. “Really? Tell me what you know, please.”
“This has to stay between us,” Linnie answered with emphasis. “This is very private, and personal to Nate, and…well, to me too. You can tell Steven, but that’s it.”
“Yes, of course,” Bev said in alarm. “What is it?”
Linnie shared with Bev what Nate had told her. Bev sat back stunned. “So often I’ve wondered what happened, and I have to say, things just never made sense. Nate has only ever had eyes for you. He’s always been steadfast in this. He’s always known you were the one for him, so it never made sense that he’d be with Naomi.”
“I know, I’ve often wondered too,” Linnie answered, then continued, “So, by plugging Mikey’s date of birth into this formula I learned in nursing school, it puts Mikey’s conception somewhere around the end of April, first of May.”
Leaning closer, Bev looked at the paper, and Linnie gave her a moment before she continued, “Nate referred to the party taking place when Jake
had gone fishing up north with my dad, and I being in the cities looking at colleges with my mom. I specifically remember that time, because my mom was worried about leaving Nik home alone, and him skipping the last days of school or throwing a big party while we were gone. So, we considered driving back and forth each day, but then Kris promised mom he’d keep an eye on Nik, and make sure he stayed out of trouble, so we went. It was the first of June.”
Taking a drink of her coffee and sitting back, Linnie finished. “Now, I know from my nursing experience that anything over thirty six weeks is considered full term for a newborn, and if we hold to the argument that Nate is the father, then Mikey would have been born at thirty six weeks. But I don’t know that there are too many infants at that gestation that are eight pounds, thirteen ounces. Heck, if she’d gone the full forty weeks, Mikey would have been twelve or thirteen pounds when he was born. So that brings us back to the end of April, first of May, and I can say, I specifically remember the last weekend of April that year being prom. I think it’s good that Nate’s getting the DNA testing done, and I think it’s going to show he’s not the father.”
“Oh Linnie, you don’t know how happy I am to know all this. I would give anything to be able to go back and change it, but I can’t. And it breaks my heart that you and Nate have suffered so, but I’m darn happy to finally have something other than the confusion to think about. Steven will be relieved too.”
Linnie nodded, then said nervously, “Ummm…well…there’s more. We need to talk about some other stuff too.”
“Okay,” Bev said, squeezing her hand. “What is it, you can talk to me.”
“Ahhhh, Nate and I spent the last few days together at the cabin up north. We didn’t plan it, it just happened. After running into Naomi, I almost went back to Chicago. Then at the last minute, I changed my mind and told my dad I was going to the cabin, and he promised to keep it a secret. Two days later, I was returning from the store, and in drives Nate. We spent the weekend together, if you know what I mean.”
Bev laughed, then struggled to hold a straight face. “Linnie, I got used to the idea of you and Nate spending time together years ago, that it happened now is, well…wonderful. I’m happy for the two of you.”
Relieved to have it all out in the open, and feeling thankful Bev was so accepting helped immensely, but she still felt shy about it. “Ummm, I was wondering if you’ve seen him, like, without a shirt on.”
Losing her smile, Bev answered, “No, why?”
“Ahhh, he has a very large tattoo covering half his chest and back, as well as one whole arm,” she answered.
“What? A tattoo? A large one? Are you sure?” Bev asked incredulous.
Linnie nodded. “Very sure. I studied it in great detail. It’s ahhh…well, it’s a tribal tattoo and it means something significant to him.”
Bev looked at her suspiciously. “What are you trying to tell me?”
Pausing, Linnie looked at Bev soberly and said, “It’s strategically placed to cover numerous scars, some of them surgical. He nearly died from a collapsed lung and sucking chest wound when he took a direct hit.”
Bev’s eyes watered. Reaching for Linnie’s hand again she squeezed it, then said, “Thank you for telling me this.”
“Ummm, there’s more.”
“More?” Bev echoed weakly.
Linnie nodded.
“Will I need a box of tissues?”
“I don’t know, but I might,” Linnie answered.
“Oh, Lord, I’ll be right back.” Bev left and quickly returned with a box of tissues. “Okay, I think I’m ready.”
Linnie filled Bev in on their argument, and what she’d witnessed at the cabin. “I’m worried about PTSD, and I think we need to start researching it, see what it’s all about. This is simply not the way Nate would behave, but a lot has happened, and I think in much of this he’s struggling to maintain control. Unfortunately, we don’t get much education on it in nursing school, but I know a little about it from working with patients at the hospital.”
Bev reached for the tissues, and handed one to Linnie. “Okay, we can do this, right? All we have to fear, is fear itself. Knowledge is power, and so we need to learn as much as we can so we can help him.” Bev took a long look at Linnie, then said, “I thank God that you’re in my son’s life. He knew what he was doing when he brought the two of you together. Is there more you need to talk about?”
Linnie shook her head.
“Okay, well, where do you think we should start?”
“The internet, the VA, local resources.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
**********
Linnie’s eyes popped wide open when she heard her father yelling. Nate had come the night before and left, only to sneak back in through her bedroom window. That wasn’t so much a problem, as was the fact he’d forgotten to leave, and her father happened across his pickup parked around the backside of the barn when he went out to milk the cows. So, they’d been busted. If you can call Nate lying on top of the covers still wearing his jacket and boots, and her under the covers in a pair of flannels, being busted.
Needless to say, her father was about to have a coronary, but neither she nor Nate seemed particularly concerned. She figured it was because their drama plates were already full, and anything more was just gravy that slid over the sides.
Walking into the kitchen, her father was about ten shades of red. Going to the cupboard, she grabbed two cups and filled them with coffee, then headed to the table. Of course the peanut gallery was in attendance, and Nik was whistling some tune from a western movie that indicated shit was going down on Main Street. Handing Nate his coffee, she grabbed the cream and sugar, while taking a seat. Nate and her father were engaged in a stare down. Great.
“So let’s get some things straight here,” her father demanded. “What is this? Is it, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Hmmm?”
“Daddy—”
“No, I’m talking to him!” her father yelled, while thrusting a pointed finger at Nate.
“Hey,” Nate responded loudly, “you don’t have to hold a gun to my head. I’d marry her in a heartbeat. I would’ve married her when we were fifteen if you would’ve let us.”
“Daddy—”
“You’re damn straight you’ll marry her, and you won’t be staying anywhere near here till you do!” her father yelled back.
“Great! Now that we’ve got that settled, convince her to marry me, then let me know the when and the where, and I’ll be there,” Nate said with emphasis, then took a drink of his coffee while staring pointedly at her father.
“Daddy—”
“What do you mean convince her to marry you?” her father snapped back. “Of course she’ll marry you,” he answered, sounding perplexed.
“No, she won’t!” Nate answered annoyed. “That’s what the argument was about the other day, and why she was crying. I want to get married, and she doesn’t.”
Her dad’s eyes popped wide open. “Linnea Katherine Albrecht! You’re sleeping with some man, and you won’t marry him! Why, I ought to take you over my knee and paddle your behind!”
“Yeah, I tried that one too,” Nate said all glib, “but she just thinks its play time.”
“Hey!” her father yelled, pointing his finger at Nate again. “I don’t need to hear that shit from you. Now shut your trap.”
Her brothers were busting at the seams, trying not to fall on the floor laughing, clearly enjoying the show.
“Fine!” Nate yelled back. “I was just trying to illustrate how impossible she’s being.”
“STOP IT, both of you!” Linnie yelled at the two of them. “I’ve had it with men talking over me, and making decisions for me! Daddy, I’m not sleeping with some man, I’m sleeping with Nate.”
Exasperated, he threw his hands up in the air, then started rubbing his eyes. “Fantastic! Now that you admit it, it’ll forever be burned in my mind,”
“Okay, this is ridicu
lous. Don’t any of you move,” she said, pointing to her dad and brothers.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Nik said in gay merriment. “We wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
“Yeah, Linnie,” Kris chimed in, “things sure have picked up around here since you’ve come home.”
“Shut up,” she snapped. Then looking at Nate, she said, “I need to talk to you in private please.” Moving to the entryway, she turned and said, “I need you to let me handle this.”
“No way, I’m not leaving you to deal with this alone,” he argued.
“Do you love me?”
“You know I do.”
“Then trust me to handle this. Please.”
He sighed. “Lin—”
“Nate, please!” She was totally frustrated.
“Fine!” he snapped back, equally frustrated. “I’ll call you later.” Giving her a quick kiss, he left in a huff.
Watching him out the window to be sure he left, she went back to the kitchen. “Okay, I need to talk to all of you,” she said in all seriousness. “Yes, Nate wants us to get married right now, but I won’t, and I need you—she looked at her father—to lay off. We’ll get married at some point, just not right now.”
“What if you get pregnant?” her dad asked, clearly unhappy.
“Then I’ll have a baby.”
“An illegitimate one,” he said between tight lips.
The two of them stared at each other pointedly. She felt sorely disappointed. “Would you love it any less?” she asked softly.
He looked away, then rubbed his face.
“Daddy, I know this is important to you, and that you’re looking out for my best interest, but getting married right now isn’t the answer. Not for me. You don’t do what Nate and I have done, or see what we’ve seen, to succumb to societal norms and expectations. Propriety, doesn’t factor into war and trauma. We live in a different reality, one where what others deem vastly important, we recognize for the fact that it’s truly not. Nate and I are married in heart, always have been, and that will have to be good enough for right now.