by Chris Colfer
So the young squire wrapped his hands around the sword’s handle and pulled on it with all his might. His fingernails bled and blisters covered his palms, but Arthur kept pulling, as if his life depended on it….
CHAPTER FIVE
TURBULENCE AHEAD
As soon as Conner had an inkling of his sister’s whereabouts, he rushed to the nearest computer and bought the five remaining tickets on the next flight to New York City. He used Bob’s credit card without asking, but Bob couldn’t care less. All that mattered to anyone was finding Alex and bringing her home. Liberating the fairy-tale world would have to wait until they figured out what was happening in Manhattan.
At five o’clock the next morning, without any sleep whatsoever, Conner, Bree, Jack, Goldilocks, Red, and Charlotte piled into Charlotte’s SUV and headed to Willow Crest International Airport. Conner had no idea what to expect once they got to New York, but he knew it’d be easier to handle it with his friends at his side. They left the hospital in such a hurry no one had a chance to pack, but knowing what his friends usually carried on their persons, Conner managed to grab a duffel bag before they left the hospital so Jack’s and Goldilocks’s more questionable belongings could be stowed.
When they arrived, Conner ran into the airport to check their bag while his friends waited outside. They stood on the curb by Charlotte’s car and took in their first sights of the Otherworld beyond the halls of Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital.
“So this is what they call an air port,” Jack said as he cradled Hero. “What exactly is a port of air?”
“It’s where you board planes that take you to other locations,” Bree explained.
“Like a stable?” Goldilocks asked.
“Yes, but with much bigger horses.”
Jack and Goldilocks nodded and looked around in awe, but Red wasn’t as impressed.
“It’s rather colorless in the Otherworld, isn’t it?” she remarked. “If you ask me, the whole gray and glass thing is a bit overdone.”
As soon as he finished inside, Conner emerged through the airport’s automatic doors and joined his friends at the curb.
“The bag’s been checked under my name,” he said. “Apparently it’s completely legal to travel with a sword and an axe as long as they’re checked. That’s America for you.”
“What is checked?” Jack asked.
“It means they’ll stow our luggage under the plane before we leave, and then when we arrive, it’ll come out on a conveyor at the baggage claim.”
Conner’s friends from the fairy-tale world stared at him like he was speaking in tongues.
“We have absolutely no idea what any of that means, but we’ll take your word for it,” Goldilocks said.
“Does everyone have their tickets and IDs?” Conner asked the group.
Bree, Jack, Goldilocks, and Red held up the tickets they had printed at the hospital and the identification cards they’d been assigned. Unfortunately, traveling with friends from another dimension meant that airport security would be a challenge. If they’d had more time Conner could have come up with better IDs that resembled his friends more, but given their time crunch, they had to work with what they had.
“Will someone notice these aren’t our actual identities?” Jack asked.
“I’m praying the TSA officer won’t notice,” Conner said. “We’ll get into serious trouble if we’re caught, so if anyone asks, Jack is Dr. Robert Gordon, Goldilocks is Charlotte Gordon, and Red is Bree’s cousin, Amanda Campbell.”
“Bree, would you happen to have a more attractive relative I could impersonate?” Red asked.
“Sorry, that’s all I’ve got,” Bree said. “Amanda’s ID has gotten me into dozens of concerts I was too young for. I hope it brings you the same luck.”
Conner nervously eyed the airport. “We’re going to need more than luck to pull this off,” he said.
“Conner, this is too risky,” Charlotte said from inside the car. “Why don’t Bob and I just come with you?”
“I need you guys to keep an eye on the characters from my short stories,” he said. “Besides, the five of us have a long history of magical dilemmas. We’ll know what to do if things get out of hand. We’ll call you if we need backup.”
Charlotte closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. She knew Conner and his friends were more than capable of handling themselves, but it didn’t make it any easier knowing that her son might be walking into danger.
“Please be safe,” she said. “If you find your sister, let us know as soon as possible.”
“We will,” Conner said. “I promise.”
Conner hugged his mother through the car window and led his friends into the airport. At first glance, Jack, Goldilocks, and Red were completely overwhelmed. Travelers brushed and bumped into them from all directions. Everywhere they looked was another flashing screen that displayed departure times and announced delays. The commotion was too much for Hero, and he began to fuss.
“Here, give him to me,” Goldilocks said, and took the newborn from Jack. “There, there, no need to cry. Who’s Mama’s good boy? Who’s Mama’s good boy?”
It tickled everyone to watch Goldilocks interact with her son. Ever since Hero had been born, Goldilocks had been a different person altogether. The infamous fugitive and swashbuckling swordswoman was now the queen of baby talk and changing diapers at record-breaking speed. However, motherhood hadn’t softened Goldilocks one bit. On the contrary, being a mother had made her tougher than ever—especially when someone came between her and her child.
“Goldie, are you sure taking Hero to New York is a good idea?” Red asked. “Babies need lots of attention, you know.”
“We’re still taking you, aren’t we?” Goldilocks snapped.
Red raised her hands defensively. “I’m just suggesting you leave him with Charlotte while we’re gone. Caring for an infant and searching for a friend is quite a handful.”
“Absolutely not,” Goldilocks said. “I refuse to be one of those women who puts her entire life on hold because she’s a mother. I’m more than capable of fulfilling my responsibilities to my child without abandoning my friends.”
“Sorry I asked,” Red said. “Personally, I would have hired a nanny before purchasing a cradle.”
Conner guided his friends through the crowded airport to the long security line. He stood on his toes to see over all the heads and took a good look at the TSA officer working the front. The officer was an older man who scowled at all the travelers as if a piece of sour candy were stuck in his mouth. He thoroughly checked every person’s ID and ticket before allowing them to pass.
“Oh crap, he’s good at his job!” Conner bemoaned. “Bree and I will be fine with our student IDs, but I don’t know how to sneak you guys past him. It would be so much easier if Alex were here. She could just zap him with a magic spell and be done with it.”
“Looks like we’ll have to zap him with a bit of your magic instead,” Jack said.
Conner sighed. “Jack, I appreciate the sentiment, but this is not the time for another pep talk.”
“I’m being serious! We don’t have your sister’s talents, so you have to use your own. Imagine this was one of your stories and your characters were in this exact predicament. What would you have them do or say to get past the officer?”
Conner scratched his chin and walked in a circle as he thought about it. He appreciated the encouragement, but the consequences of failure were more severe than his friends could imagine. It took creativity just to survive the Otherworld—he would need a stroke of genius to manipulate it.
“I’ve got an idea,” he said. “If the officer notices your IDs are fake, you’ll need to distract him. Say something completely unexpected that’ll make him forget what he’s thinking about.”
“Oh, I know!” Red said. “I’ll say I’m a queen in another dimension!”
“That’ll only make things worse,” Conner said. “I’ve got a line for each of you—but you have to
say it exactly as I tell you.”
He whispered the diversions into his friends’ ears and hoped they would do the trick.
“We shouldn’t stand together in line,” Bree said. “If he notices the IDs are fake, it’ll look less suspicious if we’re spaced out.”
“Great idea,” Conner said. “All right, here goes nothing!”
Conner and Bree entered the line first. Once five passengers had lined up behind them, Jack followed. Goldilocks waited for six passengers to line up behind her husband, then joined the line with Hero. Red was a little confused about how a line worked. She let over a dozen people cut in front of her before realizing she was supposed to wait behind them and follow them to the officer.
Finally, after forty very anxious minutes, Conner and Bree reached the front and presented their tickets and identification to the TSA officer. He read their boarding passes and looked them up and down with the same scowl he had worn all morning.
“Are you two together?” the officer asked.
“What?” Conner asked in shock. “No, we’re just friends—well, at least I think. We haven’t had a chance to figure it out.”
“Sir, I’m asking if you’re traveling together,” the officer said, and scowled even harder. “The airline is not concerned with your relationship status.”
Conner blushed so hard, he was afraid his cheeks would melt off his face. Obviously, his anxiety was getting the best of him. If Bree hadn’t been equally anxious she would have burst out laughing.
“Yes, we’re traveling together,” she said.
The TSA officer looked them up and down one last time and initialed their tickets.
“Go ahead,” he said. “Next!”
Conner and Bree walked past the officer and joined a smaller line for the metal detector. They took their time putting their shoes and belts into bins so they could keep an eye on their friends. After a few moments, Jack was next in line and handed his ticket and identification to the TSA officer.
“Good morning,” Jack said cheerfully. “I’m going to New York.”
The TSA officer read Jack’s documents before looking at him. As the officer’s gaze moved upward, Jack repeated Conner’s suggested line before the officer could notice that the ID wasn’t legitimate.
“Hair plugs,” Jack announced.
“Excuse me?” the officer asked.
“Hair plugs,” Jack repeated. “I’m sure you’re wondering how I got my hair back. I see you’re follicle-challenged yourself, so I’m happy to pass along my doctor’s information if you’re interested in getting plugs. Technically he’s not a real doctor—and he works out of a kitchen in Chinatown—but as you can see, his work is wonderful!”
The TSA officer was so offended, his mouth fell open. He shook his head as he initialed Jack’s ticket and handed the documents back to Jack without giving the ID a second glance.
“I’m not interested in hair plugs,” the officer growled. “Get out of here.”
“Suit yourself,” Jack said.
Conner and Bree were relieved when Jack joined them in the line for the metal detector, but their mission was far from over. Before they knew it, Goldilocks and Hero were stepping up to the TSA officer’s stand. The officer looked back and forth between Goldilocks and Charlotte’s ID and meticulously studied both faces.
“Ma’am, have you recently lost weight?” he asked.
“Obviously,” Goldilocks said, and nodded to Hero.
The TSA officer wasn’t convinced. He knew something was different, he just couldn’t put his finger on it.
“Did you also change your facial structure?” he pressed further.
Goldilocks glared at him with a scowl that rivaled his own.
“You’d be amazed how much a body can change after giving birth. Shall I give you the details?”
The TSA officer looked like he was going to be sick. He quickly initialed the ticket before she had the chance to elaborate.
“Have a nice flight,” he said without looking Goldilocks in the eye.
With Conner, Bree, Jack, and Goldilocks successfully past the officer, the only one left was Red. They tried to stay close in case they needed to intervene, but they were herded toward the metal detector by other TSA officers. Soon they were out of earshot and prayed Red could handle it herself.
Red sauntered up to the TSA officer and presented her ticket and Amanda Campbell’s ID with a large smile. The officer scanned her documents, initialed her ticket, and handed them back without a problem. Conner was shocked it had gone so smoothly, but then the officer said something that absolutely infuriated Red. She stomped her foot and pointed dramatically at him.
“HOW DARE YOU, SIR!” she yelled loudly enough for the whole airport to hear. “THAT IS THE BIGGEST INSULT I’VE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE!”
The officer’s scowl shifted to a look of terror. Red stormed past him and joined her friends at the metal detector.
“What the heck just happened?” Conner asked. “What did he say to you?”
Red held up the ID of Amanda Campbell. “He said this was a good picture of me!” she grumbled.
The metal detector was a very foreign concept to Conner’s friends, so it required a great deal of supervision and reassurance. Conner had to promise Jack he would get his boots back after they were scanned, Bree had to stop Goldilocks from putting Hero into one of the bins, and Red had to be scanned by hand because she refused to part with her jewelry—but once they were through the detector and had gathered their things, they had officially snuck through airport security.
“I can’t believe we just pulled that off,” Conner said. “I don’t think I’ve breathed since we joined the security line.”
“I wasn’t worried for a second,” Jack said. “But then again, I have a lot more faith in you.”
They turned a corner, and Jack, Goldilocks, and Red froze. The sight of all the stores, coffee shops, bars, and restaurants throughout the terminal was almost too much to bear.
“Oh my, it’s like a little kingdom!” Red said.
“What’s that heavenly aroma?” Goldilocks asked.
“That’s called coffee,” Bree said. “It’s a really big deal in the Otherworld.”
“What’s that place with all the moving pictures of men on grassy fields?” Jack asked.
“That’s called a sports bar,” Conner informed. “It’s where people go to watch other people play games.”
“What about that shiny room with all the small bottles and portraits of beautiful but bored women?” Red asked.
“That’s a perfume store,” Bree said.
Red was amazed such a place existed. “They let commoners wear perfume in this world? Oh, this I’ve got to see!”
The young queen dashed for the perfume store before Bree could grab her. Since they had some time to kill before their flight boarded, Conner thought it was perfectly fine to let his friends explore the Otherworld amenities in the airport. He took Goldilocks to the coffee shop and ordered her a vanilla latte. While Goldilocks enjoyed her latte, Conner took Jack to the sports bar. He did his best to describe the rules of the football and baseball games being broadcast, but Jack was convinced he was making it up as he went along. Bree had the exhausting task of supervising Red as she bounced from shop to shop. It was like watching a hyper toddler in a toy store.
At six-thirty, fifteen minutes before boarding, the gang regrouped at Gate 26 and took seats. Red proudly showed off all the purchases inside her enormous shopping bags.
“I must say, what this world lacks in color, it makes up for in merchandise! I found this exquisite leather bag made from an animal called a faux. I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Febreze. I bought this handy hand mirror with little electric torches around the frame. And lastly, I couldn’t walk away from this colorful pamphlet called Glamorous Magazine. Look, it has an article inside titled ‘How to Steal Your Man Back from His Ex.’ I hope it mentions something about magic mirrors.”
“How did
you pay for all this?” Conner asked.
“Pay?” Red said, as if it were a word from another language.
“She didn’t—I did,” Bree said. “She would have gotten arrested for shoplifting if I hadn’t had my emergency credit card on me. It’s maxed out, so the next emergency is on someone else.”
“Don’t worry, I got gifts for all of you,” Red announced. “Conner, I got you this shirt that says ‘I Do My Own Stunts’—classy, right? Jack, I got you this ‘World’s Greatest Grandfather’ hat—sorry, they were out of ‘father.’ I got this adorable stuffed frog in a suit for Hero so he’ll always know what his uncle Charlie looks like. And Goldilocks, I got you this convenient little contraption called a BabyBjörn—why carry your child when you can wear him?”
“Thanks, Red! That’s so kind of you! Your thoughtfulness always surprises me!”
For whatever reason, Goldilocks was speaking much faster than she usually did, and her left eye started to twitch.
“Good heavens, Goldie. What happened to you?” Red asked.
“It’s called caffeine!” Goldilocks said. “I had a latte! A vanilla latte, to be exact! It’s a brilliant beverage! I was so tired a few moments ago, but now I feel invincible! I could fight a whole army with my bare hands! Actually, I’m going to get some more!”
Jack gently placed a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Sweetheart, maybe take it easy on the caffeine. People are starting to stare.”
“Attention, all passengers on Flight 219 to John F. Kennedy International Airport, it is now time to board the aircraft,” said a voice over the intercom. “Please line up with your boarding passes readily available.”
Conner, his friends, and all the other passengers formed a line at the gate. They had their tickets scanned, then proceeded down the long Jetway and boarded the plane. Their flight was filled with businesspeople, families on vacation, and a troop of Boy Scouts.