'I've been trying to get hold of you all afternoon', I said.
'I'm sorry, I've been in and out of meetings', Devizes said, apologetically.
'Isn't that the dress you wore to the prom, the one that-' James said, throwing peanuts one by one into his mouth.
'Yes, hello James, thanks for coming', I said.
'Wouldn't miss it for the world', James said and smiled his well-perfected, shit-eating grin.
'You didn't tell us he was such a charmer', mum said.
'I have to say, none of us really thought any of this was real', dad said. 'Alice has got such a vivid imagination.'
'I need to talk to you', I said to Devizes, ignoring what the rest of my family were doing.
'Look, I know, I got the answer phone messages. All eight of them.'
'They've fucking changed it', I said. 'Did you read it? It's not the same thing.'
'Alice', mum said, shocked I'd sworn.
'What have they changed?' Devizes said, trying to be diplomatic.
'The ending, the beginning, the middle. It's not the same book.'
'Could you excuse us a moment', Devizes said to the rest of my family, before leading me off by the arm to a private corner of the room.
'They had to make it a happy ending', Devizes said, when we were out of earshot of anyone else. 'It's a romance Alice, that's what romance readers buy the books for. They want to see your hero and your heroine, the boy and the girl, get together at the end. Your book ended on a serious downer, and if they left it like that it would have been a commercial failure. Nobody would have bought it.'
'So what', I said.
'So what?' Devizes said, astonished I didn't get it. 'This is a business Alice, we have to make a return on our investments.'
'You told me she thought it was the best book she'd read all year', I said.
'That's what she told me.' Devizes said, holding his hands up.
'Why didn't you tell me?' I said, angrily.
'I didn't know', Devizes said.
'You didn't know they were going to maul my book and turn something beautiful into something commercial and worthless.' I said, tears filling my eyes again.
'Alice, it is definitely not worthless. It's already had some fantastic reviews from the journalists we sent advance copies to. Have you seen them?'
'It feels like it's worthless.'
'Look, I know nothing about books and publishing', Devizes said. 'I trust them to do that job themselves, that's why they didn't tell me.'
'Get them to change it back', I said. I was more upset now that I had been earlier. Large droplets of tears were streaming down my face and exploding against the cover of the book. 'Get them to change it back', I almost yelled.
'Alice, I can't. This is the launch night, it's too late.'
'When did you know?' I said.
'When did I know what?'
'When did you know they were going to butcher it?' I said, holding up the book.
'Alice, this has nothing to do with me', Devizes said. 'It was always out of my hands.'
'Someone must have okayed it', I said.
'I gave them the book, they told me they liked it, but that they'd have to make some changes to make it more commercially viable. They wouldn't have taken it on otherwise.'
'Grammar and typos', I said sternly, shaking my head in disbelief.
'I just said yes, because I thought that was what you wanted. I didn't know how much they had changed it until I spoke to them today. They only ever gave me a general idea of what needed to be changed. I left the specifics for them.'
'You spoke to them and you couldn't call me?' I said. 'Fucking hell Devizes.'
'I thought that was what you wanted me to do', Devizes said.
'Tell me the truth', I said. 'That's what I want you to do.'
Devizes sighed, and looked around him, as though he were checking to see if anyone else was listening in.
'Ok, look. I knew they were planning to change the ending, but I didn't know by how much. This isn't my field.' Devizes said.
'When?' I said, through gritted teeth.
'The first meeting I had with them after they'd read the book.'
'Why the fuck didn't you tell me?' I said.
'I didn't want to upset you', Devizes said. 'And I trusted them to make it even better than they told me it was. And I knew that they wouldn't change their mind anyway, even if you didn't agree with it.'
'You lied to me', I said.
'Alice, you're not the only writer who goes through this', Devizes said. 'Everyone else has their work torn apart by editors. It's part and parcel of the job - you can't be too precious of your writing. If you are, it'll sit in a drawer, or a box under your bed for the rest of your life and you'll never get published.'
I put my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
'I thought this wasn't your field', I said ironically.
'It isn't, but making money is', Devizes said, 'and I know how to do that better than anything, and anyone else. Now, come on, pull yourself together. This is your night after all.'
'I think you should leave', I said.
'Alice, come on, don't be ridiculous.'
'Either you do, or I do', I said. 'I'm really upset that you lied to me.'
'I didn't lie to you Alice, I protected you from the truth to save you from getting upset, there's a huge difference.'
'It didn't work did it?' I said. 'Leave now, or I do', I said again.
'I'm introducing you in fifteen minutes', Devizes protested.
'Then get someone else to do it', I said.
'You're serious?' Devizes said.
'You lied to me', I said in disbelief. 'You should have told me about the book, Devizes, you should have let me decide for myself.'
'You're right, I'm sorry, I should have told you, I just didn't want to spoil your dream.'
'Because you knew it would turn out like this?'
'I only knew they were going to change the ending', Devizes said. 'The storyline a little, but not more than that, and definitely not by how much. I thought changing the ending meant changing a few words. I'm sorry.'
'Just leave, please', I said. 'We'll talk about this when I've calmed down.'
'Alice', Devizes said.
'Just go', I said. 'I'll talk to you again when I'm ready. I'm sorry, I'm just upset. It's better if you go. Tell them you have to work.'
'Ok', Devizes said, holding his hands up in defeat. 'I'll go. I'm sorry it turned out this way. I honestly didn't think it would be that much of an issue. It's still your book after all. Your book, your name, your royalties. We've spent thousands of pounds promoting it, there are some very important people here, including three of the most important book critics in this country, and it already has some amazing reviews. It's likely to be a chart topping success, and you, Alice Cartright, are likely to be a household name because of it. Don't fuck it up because of your ego, ok, and don't be ungrateful for what I've done for you. Without me, none of this would be possible, and your book would still be languishing at the bottom of a box hidden underneath your bed. Think about your priorities.'
Devizes left me speechless. I wasn't ungrateful for having this opportunity, I just felt like the book I had written wasn't the one receiving the attention, and what I was claiming as my own, was nothing more than the work of a senior group of editors at Prometheus publishing. I broke down into tears, and the first people to come over were dad and James, the last two people I needed right now.
'Bit nervous sis?' James asked, between mouthfuls of champagne.
'Nice lad that Devizes', dad said. 'Shame he had to go off to work again, but I guess money doesn't make itself. Good work ethic, I like that, much better than that dirty lad you used to hang around with all the time, Toby wasn't it?'
I shook my head, wiped my eyes and cut through them both, looking for Sophia.
The senior editor who I'd signed my contract with introduced me as 'an exciting young talent in th
e world of romance', and I took to the stage amongst a huge volley of applause and whistles led on generously by Sophia and Tad, who'd taken front row seats amongst the rest of my family. Dad found himself sat next to Tad, and had turned his body away from the tattooed boy just in case, perhaps, he was somehow infected by him.
Sophia had told me to bite the bullet, give them what they wanted, get it over, get drunk and forget about it. Half of me wanted to come clean, but once up on the stage, there was nothing I could do but go with the flow of what was expected. With hundreds of expectant eyes on me, I began.
'Hi', I said, to another large volley of cheers. 'I'm Alice Cartright, and I feel very lucky to be here tonight.'
I paused, wiped my eyes and composed myself as best as I could to continue. 'Sorry', I said, 'this is a bit overwhelming. I've never been up here before. I think the last time I had an audience like this, I was back at primary school and I had to read a poem I'd written in front of a group of parents and teachers. That was very scary, and when I did it, I swore I'd never put myself through it again. So here I am several years later, having broken that promise, and it's still just as scary from this side.'
The audience laughed.
'I'm going to read a chapter from the book, I'll answer some of your questions afterwards, and then I'll do some book signing, and everyone can get drunk on the free booze, and maybe we can all go off somewhere to dance afterwards.'
I smiled, and the audience laughed along. Even my dad looked like he was chuckling.
'First of all, I would like to thank all of the people at Prometheus publishing who have given me this wonderful opportunity, and without whom I wouldn't be here today, and I'd also like to thank Devizes Carter, who unfortunately has had to leave due to work commitments, for believing in me, and standing by my side.'
I lied through my teeth not to create a scene, because if I'd said what I really wanted to about how much Prometheus publishing had fucked with my book and how Devizes Carter had purposely kept the truth from me, I knew that million pound contract would be torn up in seconds, I'd be escorted out of the building without even time to grab a glass of champagne, and my career would be over. I wasn't going to let my family escape the same punishment, however. I'd been mad at them for a long time, and I decided to channel that pent up rage into telling them what I really thought.
'I would dearly love to be able to thank my parents for their support, encouragement and belief while writing this book, but I never received any, so I'm afraid I can't.'
I watched dad shuffle uncomfortably in his chair, while a ripple of nervous laughter bubbled through the rest of the audience.
'My brother is a writer of children's books, and my father has recently just published a book, which I believe has tanked, I think the expression is, and it gives me tremendous pleasure to be able to stand up here, and say to them both, I told you I could do it. For years my parents have mocked my desire to write as nothing more than a fad, paying almost no interest in my attempts, or my achievements, so it's nice to see that they've all come along to listen to me highlight their support and thank them appropriately.'
Silence in the room.
'The only person really, who has been by my side, and lived and breathed this story as much as I have (the original at least, I thought to myself) is Sophia Reynolds, my best friend, my number one fan, and the most important person I have in my life right now.'
I encouraged Sophia to stand up, and the audience clapped her voraciously as she took a bow.
'Also, I'd like to thank Tad, Sophia's supportive boyfriend, and the several other men Sophia has had over the years, no offence Tad-'
Tad put up his hand to indicate no offence had been taken.
'-each and every one who has helped me in their own unique way. Lastly, thanks to everyone who has come here tonight, every one who has read the book or is planning to, and every one who supports me, the writer, for who I am.'
More applause.
'Ok, I guess it's time to read you a chapter from the book', I said, and opened up the copy I had brought with me. The copy that had been thoroughly leafed through already, and bore the imprint on the front of my salty tears.
I started, stopped, hesitated, pushed myself and started again. The words were so alien to me, it was like I was reading someone else's work, and while I read, I began to cry. The audience oohed and aahed, laughed, listened and then clapped when I was done, some of them too with a tear in their eye. My father clapped like a robot, while James watched from a safe distance, having long since departed to get himself another drink. Nobody clapped and whistled as loudly as Sophia, who was getting the attention of everyone in the room, like Sophia only knew how to.
I answered questions as best as I could, and then I sat down for thirty minutes to sign books for everyone that had showed up. I did a short interview with a Guardian journalist, talked to as many people as I was expected to, chaperoned and moved along swiftly by Rebecca from Prometheus Publishing, and finally I was able to stop for a moment, have a rest and a glass of champagne and let it all slowly begin to sink in. I guzzled the champagne while people buzzed excitedly around me, got a refill and guzzled it again.
'So where shall we go?' Sophia said.
'I'm going to go home', I said.
'Home?' Tad said. 'Home, home?'
'Home', I said. 'I'm fucked off, and all I want to do is go to bed.'
'Ok, we'll come with you', Sophia said.
'No, you guys stay here. I just want to be on my own for a while. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't ruin it for you.'
'No, of course not', Sophia said. 'You were ace. You know you're my hero.'
'I'll tell Jackson to take you home', I said. 'I'm going to take the bus, I feel like riding around for a while.'
'Nice speech', dad said, when I went to say goodbye to him. 'Very amusing.'
'You're leaving your own party?' James said. 'Has the champagne run out already?'
'I'm tired', I said. 'It's been a pretty exhausting day already. Thanks for coming though.'
'Thanks for the shout out', James said. I couldn't work out whether he was being sarcastic or not, such was his confidence.
I said goodbye to the publishing team, bit my tongue and thanked them for their help, despite wanting to tear them apart for smashing up something I'd spent years crafting, and then left as quickly as I could, before anyone could stop me. That first step outside, into the evening drizzle and away from the cloying crowd, was like an ice cold blast of freedom. I almost laughed, it felt so good.
I'd taken no more than ten paces, not really concentrating on which direction I was going, before I heard a voice behind me that I thought must have come from my imagination.
'Alice.'
I froze. A shiver running up my spine.
'Alice?' The voice said again, and this time I knew it was definitely real.
I turned around slowly.
'Fuck', I said as I saw him standing there. Older, of course, but still the same person. Still the same orange hair, freckles and sticky out ears. Still the same Toby.
'Fuck', I said again. 'Please tell me this isn't happening right now.'
Chapter 17
I felt a hollow in my stomach like I'd been kicked by a mule. The rain began to come down more heavily around us, and for a moment we both just stood there staring at each other, neither one really knowing what to say.
'You look the same', Toby said eventually. 'Look, you're even wearing the same dress you were when I saw you last.'
I looked down at myself, my dress spotting with raindrops. 'I thought it would be appropriate.', I mumbled.
'You cleaned the sick off then?'
'Toby, what are you doing here?' I said, trying desperately to understand why he'd suddenly come back to me like this.
'You forgot to sign my book', he said, holding it out.
'That's not what I meant', I said. 'Eighteen years and I hear nothing, and now this, you just show up?'
'I like the
ending', Toby said, ignoring the question.
'That's not how it went and you know it', I said, a little more angrily than I had wanted to.
'It's how I always wanted it to go', he said.
'Yeah well, I didn't write it like that, the publishers changed it', I said. 'They changed a lot of it.'
'Oh', Toby said.
'Yeah', I said.
'Did they change the names too?'
'No, that was me.'
'Ok', Toby said.
There was still about three metres between us and neither one of us had closed the gap. Toby looked up into the rain, squinting his eyes against the droplets.
'It's really coming down', Toby said, even though neither of us looked like we intended to move for cover. My hair was beginning to stick to the side of my face, and I could feel chills again across my shoulders.
'I can't believe you're here', I said. 'Look at you.'
'Not much has changed', Toby said, trying to catch the rain in his mouth.
'You're ruining the book', I said.
'I think I know the story already', Toby said.
'Not all of it', I said.
'Do you want to get a drink Alice?' Toby said. 'Get out of the rain?'
'No. Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. Yes, but not now. Toby you can't just walk back into my life like this and expect us to pick up where we left off. It just doesn't work that way.'
'No?' Toby asked.
'No', I said, firmly.
'Ok', Toby said.
'Christ Toby, you've shocked me. I feel like I've been in a traffic accident.'
'Pretty much like always then', Toby said.
'I guess so', I said.
'Will you sign my book at least?' Toby said.
'Fuck', I said, my arms folded across my chest now, protectively. I look around him, up at the darkened sky and then directly at him. Still the same Toby, the man I used to love. The man I thought I was going to marry.
'Fuck', I said again, and then closed the gap between us.
For the first time in eighteen years, I stood right next to him and looked directly into his eyes, and suddenly, I was fifteen again and back in the tree house in the woods. The feelings I had for Toby rushed back to me like the sweep of a bushfire as the wind catches the advancing flames. It was so strong, I knew I had to get out of there before it crippled me. I took the book from Toby, quickly signed my name on the first page and wrote the digits of my telephone number underneath. When I left, hurrying away into the darkness of the night, and the bright neon lights of Soho, I couldn't tell whether it was rain running down my cheeks or tears.
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