by Violet Paige
“Is there something you want, Hawk, or are you just here to stomp around,” she said crossing her arms in front of her.
“You damn well know why I am here,” I stopped and pointed a finger at her.
I took a deep breath. I needed to cool down before I lost my temper.
“Just,” I said pinching the arch of my nose, “just tell me the truth. I saw your little girls paperwork, and I couldn’t help but notice…” I trailed off.
Hell, I may have seen more blood and gore then the average without even a flinch, but asking Julie if that was my daughter was more then I had courage for.
“I don’t know what you think you saw in her paperwork, but I don’t know what you are talking about,” she retorted folding her arms.
“Like hell, you don’t know!” I spat.
“Shhh!” She said quickly.
Looking behind her, I saw the little girl fast asleep on the couch. Seeing that sleeping child, I knew now more then ever she had to be my child. Maybe I just saw something I hoped was there.
“You know what I am asking Jules,” I said now just above a whisper. “Is she…is she mine?” I finally managed to get out.
She stood back a little shocked like she didn’t believe I would actually ask. She looked back at the little girl again as if weight her options. Finally, she grabbed my wrist and tugged at me.
“Come on,” she said pulling me towards the back of the apartment. “I don't need you waking her up.”
We walked silently down the hall and into a room. One quick look around told me it was hers. Not only did it have a queen bed with a simplistic white comforter, but it was also a disheveled mess.
I raised an eyebrow at her as I looked around. The dresser was covered entirely in trinkets, folded clothes not yet put away, and various papers. On the floor was a massive pile of laundry. The bed was unmade, and shoes laid scattered everywhere.
I may have changed in the last six years, but from the looks of Julie’s room, she was exactly the same. I coughed a little to hid a laugh.
“What? Something you want to say?” She said arching her own thin brow in my direction.
She shoved some shoes under her bed and pulled up the comforter over it.
“Nothing at all. It’s just good to see your still the same.”
“I’m not the same,” she said in a harsh tone. “You think I would just stay here frozen in time waiting for you to come back. Life moves on, and so did I.”
I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink a little. I really couldn’t blame her for moving passed me, but at the same time, I couldn’t honestly say the same.
“Look, Jules. What happened…”
“I don’t care. You up and left out of the blue. Two years and not even a goodbye. I don’t care, though. I am past it, and I appreciate it if you would just drop it too.”
“Okay, if that is what you want, fine,” I said trying to calm the anger I could see brewing in her.
She may have said she was past it, but it was easy to see still that it was raw.
“Just tell me. Is she mine?”
Julie sank down on the bed she had just quickly made. I was prepared to hear her say what I knew deep down.
“It was right after you left,” she said softly. “I was heartbroken. I went to a party with Savannah. She thought it would get me out of my funk. It was just a one-night thing that didn’t mean anything. But I found out a month later something more came of it.”
‘Bullshit,” I said not believing her.
I thought back to the girl laying on the couch. It wasn’t just her matching black hair that made me think she was mine. There was a connection I had with her. I felt it, I was sure of it.
“I’m serious Hawk. I’m sorry, but she isn’t yours.”
“Okay, then tell me who the guy was.”
“I don’t remember his name,” she said slightly hesitantly.
It was the chink in her armor I was looking for. It was easy to see she was making it all up. Julie was not the type of girl to have a one night stand, especially with a guy she didn’t know even his name.
I got down on my knees in front of her. I hesitated for a few seconds before taking her hands. It felt so good to touch her again. It was like electricity waking me up anew.
“I know you are lying,” I said softly. “She is mine. I know it.”
Though it looked that Julie had too soften at our touching, her honey eyes narrowed on me now.
“Even if she was yours, not that I am saying she is, what does that matter? You have no right to come here out of nowhere and ask me that.”
“Jules, if I had known…” I started.
“You would have what?” Julie stood up and put some space between us. “Turn around and come home?”
I took a deep breath and sat in her spot on the bed.
“Honestly, no. I wouldn’t have been able to.”
“You know I had to find out from Mrs. Jennings that you left. You never even told me that you were interested in the military. Then I go and find out you joined the SEALs? You threw us away like what we had was nothing. I don’t owe you anything.”
I waited for her to get it all out of her system. I knew I deserved it too.
“I didn’t tell you because I was too afraid I wouldn’t go if I did. You meant everything to me, Jules.”
“So totally disappearing without a trace to go to fight in a war seems like a logical way to show how you feel.”
“I needed to get out of here,” I said waving my arms around the room, but meaning the whole town. “I wanted to experience some life.”
“Why couldn’t we experience it together? I would have gone with you,” she finally said more hurt than anything else now.
“Where I went,” I said struggling to find the words. “I wouldn’t wish that on you.”
I did my best to hid the demons I held inside me, but I could tell she still saw them.
“Your dad would tell me stuff,” she said softly. “Just from time to time. He told me when you got in with the SEALs, when you to deployed to Syria, and that you got hurt," she finally ended softly.
I did my best to push down the memories her words were brewing. It was the same memories that caused most of my nightmares.
I shook my head as if that would force it back down. I got up and began pacing the room again. I didn’t like all the emotions this conversation brought back. I was acutely aware of the ringing in my ear and the sound of all the cars on the street below.
“She is mine, isn’t she,” I finally said in a statement, not a question.
“It doesn’t matter,” Julie said softly. “She is mine now. I knew the moment I found out that I would raise her on my own. Nothing that has happened today has changed that fact.”
“What if I do want to change that?” I asked walking up to her.
I couldn’t help but touch her. She was ambrosia for me. One small taste, and now all I wanted was more.
“No,” Julie whispered tears in her eyes. “I won't let you just walk back in here like nothing has changed. There is too much at stake now. I won’t put her through that.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jules,” I said as I softly brushed a stray lock of auburn hair from her face.
I could look on her face for a million years, and it wouldn’t be enough. I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger on her lips.
“I can’t trust you anymore,” she said putting her hands on my chest and softly pushing me away.
It had almost no effort to it, but I wouldn’t crowd her. It didn’t miss my notice, however, that her hands lingered just a little longer than necessary.
“I won’t risk you hurting Emma,” she stated honestly crossing her arms again.
“I’m not asking you to trust me, I know that is too much. But, now that I know I have a daughter, I feel responsible for her. I want to help.”
“I don’t need your help,” Julie said jutting out her chin. “I’ve been on my own the last six years and
have done just fine.”
“I didn’t say you need my help. I know you can handle things on your own. That doesn’t mean you should.”
“Hawk, I can't do this right now,” she said moving towards the door. “Em is going to wake up soon, and I need to start dinner. I think you should go.”
I understood this was a lot for her. Hell, it was all a lot for me too. I didn’t want to push my luck and have her cut me off for good. I would have to work slow if I wanted to get Julie’s trust back.
Maybe a part of me had hoped she would still be here waiting for me when I got back. Now that she was here, and with my daughter on top of that, it was my priority to get them both back in my life.
I didn’t care if it was just so that I could have a relationship with Emma. I would find a way to make up for the damage I did over the last six years.
I let her walk me back out to the main part of the apartment. I watched her check on Emma again. Now that I knew for sure she was my daughter; I was itching to check on her myself.
“Is she still warm?” I asked with my medical training kicking in.
I looked her over quickly. She seemed to be resting peacefully and was well colored. At least she wasn’t dehydrated, which was common for someone so young. At this age when it hurt to swallow kids could easily get dehydrated just from refusing to drink.
“Yeah,” I heard the worried tone in Julie’s voice.
I edged towards the door. I needed to leave her and let her process things. Hell, I needed to take my own time to figure out my next step.
“Do you think I could come by tomorrow? To check on Emma that is,” I said as I put my hand on the doorknob.
“I don’t think it's a good idea,” Julie said. “I don’t know if I am ready to tell her who you are.”
“I understand. You don’t have to tell her anything. Not right now, if you don’t want to. I just want to come by. You know, maybe get to know her a little.”
I could see her resolve faulted a little. I understood why she couldn’t trust me right now. That was something I would have to earn back. It was only logical she would be protective of Emma. I was okay if she didn’t want to tell my daughter who I was just yet.
I would find a way, though. I wasn’t sure how, but I was going to make it up to Julie for all the lost time and be the father that Emma deserved.
6
I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding as the door shut on Hawk. I also had the realization that my insides were coming down too from a heightened awareness. Even after all these years just a simple touch and closeness from Hawk and my body still reacted like we were college sweethearts.
Four hours later, dinner had been made and eaten, well by me. I couldn’t even tempt Emma to eat more than a few bits of spaghetti, her favorite meal. I gave her a nice cooling bath to help keep the fever down and then she went promptly to bed.
I knew she still wasn’t over the worst of it when she went to her bed without so much as a peep. Being sick was really taking a toll on her little body.
Once the house was cleaned up, the papers were all finally corrected, and I was in my comfy PJ’s, I settled on the couch with a glass of wine. I was in desperate need of a little come down after the day I had today.
I flipped through the channels for a bit but not really finding anything of interest. I usually enjoyed my nights after Em went to bed. It was quiet and peaceful unlike the constant racket in the high school gym.
I was too restless to relax, and even the wine wasn’t seeming to help much. I resolved the only way I was going to get some sleep tonight was if I bounced my thoughts off of someone else.
It was easy to decide who that someone was going to be. Savannah and I became quick friends since we both were on the swim team. I couldn’t imagine anyone any more opposite from me.
I may have fought my roots, but I was still a southern girl through and through. Give me a gallon of sweet tea, and some cornbread with honey and I was in heaven. Savannah had conformed some to our southern traditions, but she still held on to the California girl she had grown up as most her life.
That usually meant her sweet tea was organic and she had her own raw honey from the beehive in her backyard.
She had rubbed off some on me too. I had my own little apartment compost and a small herb garden in my window.
In fact, I swear every time I went shopping I had her voice in my head asking if the honey buns I put in my cart were free of preservatives and artificial colors.
I smiled to myself as I dialed Savannah’s number. She was no doubt in the middle of canning something or making her own bread.
Savannah only lived thirty minutes away from me but in the opposite direction of civilization. She had a big plot of land surrounded by forest that she used as her own U-Pick farm and little eclectic shop of everything homemade from jams to soap.
After two rings she picked up the phone.
“Hey honey,” she said already knowing it was me.
“Hey,” I said with a heavy sigh.
“That doesn’t sound good. If you tell me you have a half drunk bottle of wine in front of you, I might just have to drop what I'm doing right now and head your way.”
I inspected the bottle sitting on the coffee table in front of me. I was only on my second glass, that couldn’t count as half drunk, could it?
“Noooo,” I said pretending offense.
“Mmhmm,” she said back into the phone.
“What are you doing anyway? I would hate to pry you away from your jams, or bees, or whatever.”
“Too early for jams or honey. If you must know, I just put some soap in the mold. Lemon Lavender.”
“My favorite,” I replied.
In fact, I would say half my apartment was outfitted from her little shop. From our lotions and shampoos to half my pantry of jams and jellies and the like, it all came from her small farm.
“You wanna tell me what’s on your mind?” She prodded.
"Ugh, I don’t even know where I should begin,” I said taking a swig of wine.
“How bout you tell me how little Em is doing? Didn’t you text that you were taking her to the doctor this morning?”
"I did,” I said wondering how even to form the words. “She is good. Just a bad cold I guess.”
“And how is the good old doctor, Papa Smith?”
Savannah was the only one I told the identity of Emma’s father too. So naturally, she had taken a liking to calling Dr. Smith, Papa. Of course, this was only between her and me.
“He didn’t see us today. It was actually a different Dr. Smith.”
“I don’t follow? I get that Smith is a common name but how many could there possibly be in Sweet Haven, Georgia?”
"Just two. The one we normally see, and his son.”
“Hawk? Are you saying it was Hawk?”
“Yep. I guess Hawk is back in town.”
“Did he tell you? Did he say anything to you?”
“The man didn’t say two words to me before he up and left why would it be any different when he came home.”
“Well, what did you do. Did you tell him?”
“No!” I said filling with indignation again. “I tried to get in and out of there as quick as I could.”
“So do you think he figured it out?”
“I was really hoping he wouldn’t, but apparently he did because I barely walked through the door before he showed up demanding the truth.”
“And you told him, right?”
“I tried not to. If you ask me, Hawk doesn’t deserve to know the truth. It’s what he gets for leaving.”
“I know, Julie. But that is his daughter.”
“You know, he said the same thing,” I said setting down my wine glass.
“But really he isn’t. He wasn’t there when she was born. He didn’t wipe any butts. What right does he have to call Em his daughter when up until this morning he didn’t even care to know she existed?”
“Hey, I hear you. I
think Hawk is just as much of an ass for up and leaving. That being said, you can’t really fault him for not knowing about Emma since you never tried to tell him.”
“Kinda feel’s like your on his side,” I scolded.
I was regretting this conversation. Not the fact that I was telling Savannah, there was nothing we kept from each other. Just the fact that it wasn’t going the way I had hoped.
“I'm not on either of your’s side. I’m on Em’s side. What’s gonna happen when that little girl asks you who her father is one day?”
“I’ll make sure he or I am out of this town by then,” I stated.
“Okay, but then when she goes and hunts Hawk down and finds out that you didn’t let him be apart of her life, how is that going to make her feel?”
“Thankful, I should hope. I can save her from the same heartbreak that I got. Sure Hawk wants to be all Dad hero back from the war now. What happens two years from now when he gets sick of this small town existence again?”
“I won’t put her through that.”
"Your right,” Savannah said after a pause. “It might not be worth the risk. He could up and leave the day after tomorrow without a word. So don’t tell Em who he is. Let him hang around a bit. If he leaves, then he leaves, and Em is none the wiser.”
“I mean, that’s assuming she doesn’t know already,” Savannah added after a beat.
“Oh hell no! I didn’t let him say anything to her,” I said still angry at his intrusion this afternoon. “Plus she was asleep the whole time he was here.”
“Asleep, huh? Anything rekindle while it was just the two of you?” Savannah asked with an alluring tone to her voice.
“Nooo,” I lied through my teeth.
“Mmhm, I bet.”
The phone went silent for a minute.
“Okay, I can’t bear it any longer. How did Dr. Hawk Smith look at least? I bet he was hot as fuck coming back all ripped and tan.”
“He looked the same,” I said as casually as I could.
“Well, he was already hot as fuck. You can’t tell me he wasn’t rock hard and dead sexy though after being in the SEALs.”
“He was a bit more muscular then I remembered,” I said hesitantly.