Aiko sat between Tomoko and Nana during literature class, debating how to “come out” to them about her relationship with Reina. She knew she should listen to the instructor prattle on about Charles Dickens, but all Aiko could think of were words to describe her unconventional attraction to a woman known for philandering with every willing girl. By the end of class, Aiko still didn’t know what to say and forewent saying anything at all. She parted from her friends and began the slow trek to the train station.
“Matte, Ai-chan!”
Tomoko flew down the sidewalk, her black hair wild in the wind. She stopped at the corner beside Aiko and heaved in respite.
“What are you doing?” Aiko patted down the stray hairs still bustling in the breeze. “We don’t go to the same station. Were we supposed to go somewhere?” Wouldn’t it be like her to forget something like that in her haze?
Tomoko took a deep breath before responding. “I’m going in the same direction as you today. Gonna meet my sister in Shibuya. She came to visit from Shiga Prefecture.”
“Oh, that’s lovely.” Aiko had a hard time believing Tomoko was a country girl, since she was always so sophisticated in her appearance and mannerisms. I must look like the country girl compared to her. “And Shibuya is so much fun! I’m jealous you get to go.”
Having Tomoko with her made the congested twenty-minute walk to the station that much easier to deal with. Better than constantly thinking about Reina, anyway. The conversation meandered from the sister to their upcoming English test, in which Tomoko asked for help with gerunds whenever Aiko had the time.
At the next crosswalk, Aiko took out a notepad and wrote a quick example of gerunds. Tomoko shifted her feet. “Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” Aiko ripped the notepaper out and handed it over. “I mean, I’m not the best at English, but I think I follow most of what we’re studying right now.”
“No, not about English.” Tomoko folded the paper and placed it in her own notebook. “About…something else…”
The light turned green, causing a surge of people to propel them forward across the street. “Oh? What about?” Somebody bumped into Aiko and she almost dropped her books.
Tomoko waited until they reached the other sidewalk. “What do you think of, the…you know…” Her steps faltered. “Homosexuals.”
Aiko stopped and nearly caused a businessman on a bicycle to run her over. He jingled his bell and wobbled around her like somebody just learning to ride. Once he was clear, Aiko said, “Homosexuals?” Gay men? Lesbians? Reina? Me? “What about them? Eh? What’s this about?” Does she know? Her throat clogged.
“Ah, I mean my sister! You know, I think she might be lez. Yeah, yeah. People say they’ve seen her around that Ni-chome place, going into gay bars and clubs at all sorts of hours. Isn’t it disgusting?”
Those are the sorts of places Reina goes to. Aiko panicked for a second, wondering if Reina ever had random sex with Tomoko’s sister. But what did that have to do with anything? And “disgusting?” Was what she did with Reina disgusting? How could it be any more disgusting than doing it with a boy? Especially when it felt so wonderful? “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.” Her defiance sprawled throughout her body. “They’re just normal people wanting to be with people they love. You should support your sister.”
Tomoko laughed. “You think so? I’m surprised. I thought everyone would think homosexuals are revolting.”
Relief snorted through Aiko’s nostrils. “I told you, I know some myself. My cousin works with lesbians.”
“Ah, yes, my old senpai from high school.” Tomoko’s laugh turned into an uneasy chuckle. “There was a rumor that students would meet them at lunch time for sex. Can you…imagine?”
Aiko clung her books closer to her chest and studied Tomoko’s awkward motions. Her friend’s cheeks were a fine red, either from embarrassment or the cold wind. Aiko remembered Reina and Michiko talking about seducing their classmates, so that much was at least true. “Tomo-chan…” Aiko’s boundaries lowered for the oncoming invasion. “Did you ever meet up with them?”
Forever Aiko would recall that look of horror on Tomoko’s face, the way it twisted her skin and popped the veins around her eyeballs. In that second the cosmopolitan girl became a demon from the country woods of Shiga Prefecture. “No, of course not.” Her voice was too steady for eyes like that. “I like men, you know. Although someone told me it was possible to like both…no. Never. Of course not.”
“I’m sorry for asking.”
“Perverts.” Tomoko rearranged her bag and her books. “Filthy perverts.”
Aiko hung her head. Today would not be the day she mentioned Reina. Even though she already knows her.
She changed the subject to something frivolous, and they finished their walk to the station together in amicability. Tomoko resumed her usual cheerful demeanor, and Aiko tried to forget about her implication she herself was a “filthy pervert.” I can’t help it if being with Reina feels right.
They got on the same train and traded homework notes. When it came time for Aiko to get off at a station to change train lines and go home, Tomoko clapped her on the shoulder and said, “Say hello to the beautiful Ren Itou for me. She’s a lucky girl to have you.”
The train doors open. Aiko stared at Tomoko as if she had ripped her clothes off in public. “Sh…she?”
“Ah? Did I say that? It must be because of our conversation form earlier. Of course I meant ‘he!’” Tomoko pushed her out the door. “Sorry! Bye!” The doors closed and the train pulled away, Tomoko still waving through the window.
Aiko stood on the platform in absolute awe. Even after the rest of the passengers disembarking at the same station abandoned the row, she continued to gape at the empty tracks. In the distance, an announcement for her connecting train bellowed. She snapped out of her daze and skipped down the stairs to get to the other platform.
All the way home she wondered about Tomoko’s strange behavior. Did she know about Reina? About Aiko? Was her sister really gay? Had Tomoko ever had sex with a girl…let alone Reina? It could’ve been Michiko. Could’ve been. They were both equally promiscuous.
Her attention turned to the weather when she reached her station and walked down her street. The clouds grayed to the point she was sure it would rain, and she didn’t have an umbrella with her. She picked up her pace and became determined to get home, where hot tea and a lazy afternoon with her homework waited. Maybe if she stayed up late enough she could call Reina and…
She stopped in the middle of the street – a shadow hung outside her front gate.
Daisuke.
“Ah, Aiko.” He bowed so far his forehead almost touched the pavement. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
Aiko was speechless to the point of permanent muteness. What is he doing here again? She rolled her tongue over her chapped lips and refused to throw her books at him. “Daisuke.” Her voice was quieter than she anticipated. “What are you doing here?”
He stood up, his large nose tipped in red and blue. I once thought his nose was cute. “Before you yell at me to leave, there’s something I have to ask of you.”
Her stomach hurt. “What is it?”
“Please…go out with me one last time.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I love you!” He reached out and tried to take one of her hands, but she recoiled. “Please! Let me have one last chance!”
He loves me? Aiko had never heard that from anyone before. Not even Reina. But he’s a boy. I don’t even want to kiss him. How easily Aiko’s new lesbian confidence came to her.
“Please, Aiko. Say you’ll meet me this weekend for a date, and I’ll leave! If you still don’t want to be around me after that, I’ll stay away from you forever. I’ll try to forget you. I’ll try to forget my love for you.”
We dated for like three months! “Okay.” What? Why did she agree?
Daisuke crumbled into a pile of happiness, h
is blubbering incoherent and his hands dancing for the chance to touch her. Aiko already regretted her agreement. How would she ever tell Reina?
The pen clattered to the desk while Reina shook out the cramp in her hand.
It’s done. She gathered up the pieces of paper and put them in order, her heart pounding and palms sweating. It’s finally done. Once she had the courage she would deliver this letter to Michiko, but for now the best she could do was put it in her drawer and congratulate herself for a job well done.
Reina glanced at a photograph on her desk. She took the letter and tiptoed into her hallway, sure to not wake her sleeping mother in the other bedroom.
The entire first floor was freezing, but Reina ignored the temperature although she wore nothing but thin pajamas and socks. She marched through the hallway and slid open the paper door to the Japanese sitting room, where the kamidana altar holding both a statue of the local Shinto shrine deity and a portrait of her father sat.
She knelt in front of the altar and put the letter between her and the wall. After clapping her hands twice, Reina bowed at the space between her father and the local deity. Religion was not a major factor – or even a minor one – in Reina’s life, but old polite habits were hard to break. And maybe she was a little superstitious.
She arranged the papers in front of the shrine and thought about turning on the overhead light, but didn’t want to get up. Not like dead people need light to see.
“So, as you can see, Father, I’ve decided I’m feeling some sort of heavy emotion for a friend and am going to tell her about it.” Reina pointed to each page of her letter as if they were Exhibits A, B, and C in a courtroom drama. “It’s my intention to make my best friend my ‘girlfriend,’ and should you have some horrible problem with my lesbianism, as my mother swears you do, then I would love it if you would, say, find a way to knock your picture off the altar.”
To Reina’s wide and sarcastic surprise, nothing budged.
“That settles it, then.” She recollected her papers and rose to her feet. “Mother’s the only one who gives a dog’s shit about who I’m sleeping with. I bet you’re the kind of cool dad who doesn’t care so long as his little girl is happy, eh? Well, I guess I’ll never find out, because you’re dead.”
Enough light streamed through the shuttered window to reflect the somber face of Reina’s father in the photograph. The only thing she remembered about it was the image of her mother holding it at his funeral a few years before. Maybe I should shake his ashes for good measure. Make sure he’s awake somewhere.
As Reina considered this familial blasphemy, the phone rang.
She scuttled out of the room, sliding the paper door behind her again. Who the hell is calling at this hour? Reina hurried to answer before her mother could open her bedroom door and shout something. “Moshi moshi, Yamada desu.”
“Ah, Reina! Yokatta. Did I wake you?”
She leaned against the wall, her nerves subsiding at the sound of Aiko’s peppy voice. “No. I was already up. Why are you calling me so late?”
The pause gave Reina time to consider that maybe she was too terse with Aiko. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Is that so? Well, I have to go to bed soon. Is it important?”
“No, I have to tell you, I’m going on a date with my ex-boyfriend this weekend. But I don’t want to…but I said I would! Doushiyou?”
Reina maintained her poker face, even though no one could see her. How typical. The only thing shocking her was that Aiko wasn’t back with men sooner than this. “What’s your ex-boyfriend’s name?” Might as well know the name of the guy about to take another girl from Reina Yamada.
“Daisuke. Daisuke Takahashi.”
Scoffing, Reina replied, “So if you marry him, you won’t have to change your name much. Benri da ze.” How convenient, indeed.
“Hora! I’m not gonna marry him!”
“Then why are you going on a date with him?”
Static blurred the phone line. “Because, he said if I went on this last date with him, he would finally leave me alone. He’s been stalking me! Isn’t it creepy?”
“Aw, sounds like he really loves you. You should give him the chance.”
Another pause. Reina imagined Aiko’s brain frying at the implication. “You think so?” A growl layered her voice. “You’re not mad?”
“Why should I be mad? I sleep with other people, why shouldn’t you? You should sleep with him while you’re at it. Make sure you’re not missing out on something you want. Don’t fall into lesbian regret.”
“Regret….mou, Reina! I’m serious. I won’t do it if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“I’m serious, too. You should go.”
“Are you really sure?”
“Un.”
The cold started to get to Reina – she hoped this conversation would end soon. “Okay. If you’re sure. I’ll do it. I promise I’ll be rid of him this weekend.” Aiko didn’t skip a beat with changing subjects. “When will I see you again?”
Reina gave a non-committal answer. Tomorrow. Next week. Never, once this Daisuke shithead gets his cock in you. That’s how the world worked. Once Aiko got a taste of heteronormativity again, she’d never want to get involved with the likes of Reina the dyke again. Good riddance. She latched on too long anyway.
Aiko didn’t sound pleased when Reina hung up, but she decided she didn’t care. What she did care about was looking over her letter one more time in the warmth of her futon.
Soon, it would just be her and Michiko, and although Reina liked fooling around with other women, she didn’t have enough emotion for the whole lot of them. And Aiko seemed like the kind of girl who would get jealous easily, even if she claimed she wouldn’t. The moment she sees Mi-chan and me lovin’ it up, she’ll lash out and it’ll be my skin. Yes, she should go back to this Daisuke fellow. Forget the whole lesbian thing – forget she ever knew somebody named Reina, and how hurtful she could be.
Reina had heard all about the arousing healing powers of men from her mother, after all. A few thousand times.
Once, Aiko thought Daisuke charming and considerate.
Now she thought him desperate.
The whole date was an ongoing disaster. Daisuke practically pulled Aiko out of her house, bemoaning her life and the world, while Junko looked on with tearful blessings. He took her out to lunch and bought her salads and sweets, melons and strawberries. Aiko refused to eat much of anything even though she loved fruits.
After that sorry state of a meal, in which Daisuke prattled on about his classes and his precious hopes for the future, Aiko attempted to escape out the bathroom window but was caught by another patron. She had no choice but to try to sneak past Daisuke – of course he saw her, and suggested they go to the movie.
Now it was just awkward. They went to see a Hollywood movie in its original English, much to Aiko’s relief, since no subtitles gave her an excuse to ignore Daisuke and concentrate on the dialogue. But fifteen minutes in he “accidentally” dropped something on the floor and resurfaced with his hand on Aiko’s knee. She flicked it off and went back to watching the movie, but not before Daisuke “stretched” and curled an arm around her. A malevolent shudder went throughout Aiko. I wish he were Reina. No doubt an afternoon at the movies with Reina would start with cuddling and end with making out in the back of the theater. Kind of like what Daisuke apparently had in mind.
Aiko spent two hours distracted from the movie so she could keep Daisuke from touching her. Am I supposed to find this endearing? He never acted this way when they officially dated. His desperation started to turn into layers of embittered creepiness.
The final straw to break Aiko’s back was when they strolled through a park toward evening, and Daisuke got the brilliant idea to try to kiss her beside the duck pond. He opened with a quick hug and a peck on a cheek, one surely meant to last longer and on Aiko’s lips. Fury riled her muscles and shoved him away, teeth gnashing where his lips wanted to go and a bat
tered grunt scaring off a couple children playing by the pond.
“Enough!” Aiko kept her arms in front of her, lest Daisuke attempted to embrace her again. “Stop this foolishness! I’ve played along too long now, and I say it’s time for you to finally leave me alone.”
The ensuing seconds clicked by with nothing more than a wibble from Daisuke’s rounded cheeks. “Please let me just say…”
“This whole thing was a stupid idea!” Aiko kicked the ground. “I should’ve never agreed to this. I dumped you for a reason, you know.”
“No. You never told me why you broke up with me.” Daisuke’s pout was a mesh between a small child’s tantrum and an office boss not getting his way. “I thought I had the right to know, but apparently not.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything. When a woman says she doesn’t want to see you anymore, she means it.”
“Please, Aiko.” Somehow, Daisuke’s voice returned to certain calmness, and Aiko looked around to see some old ladies staring at them across the pond. “Just tell me one good reason you don’t want to date me anymore.”
Reina popped into Aiko’s mind, cocky and unbridled. A flash of those heavy eyes and a quip of that husky voice, and she was ready to turn into a fantastical mess right there in front of her ex-boyfriend. “I broke up with you because I had no feelings for you. I’m not going to waste my time with somebody who makes me feel nothing. I want passion! I want newness!” Her eyes rolled back at the thought of the new things she continued to try with Reina.
“Passion? Newness?” Daisuke crossed his arms, his scarf flailing in the winter breeze. “What about stability? A guarantee? I’m going to become a doctor, you know. An English-speaking doctor. Not only can I offer you a steady future…but I can check all your ailments, too!”
Aiko matched his crossed arms and poked her face forward. “I’m not attracted to you, Daisuke Takahashi. The thought of having sex with you makes me sick.”
One of the old ladies clasped a hand over her ear and scuttled away – the other lingered behind with a cackle coming out of her mouth. Yes. Embarrass him. Please. And it appeared Daisuke was embarrassed, from the way his limbs sagged and his voice stuttered. “But that’s only a small part of a relationship…”
Hatsukoi. (Lesbian Erotic Romance) (Ren'Ai Rensai) Page 22