This was such a mistake.
“I would appreciate if you would remember our agreement.” Mrs. McIntosh dried the spoon off with a dishrag—also ancient—and glanced up at her. Her eyes were dull and void of emotion. She hadn’t always been like that. Lydia could remember a time when her mother gave her kisses and hugs, but she too was also a very different person back then.
“Yes, ma’am,” Lydia whispered. “I’m just a visiting cousin. I came back for Gran’s funeral.”
“That’s right.” Her mother blinked rapidly and turned away. She was going to cry.
Gran had been her mom’s mother and she couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain her mother felt...if her mother was even capable of feeling pain. Sometimes she couldn’t help but to wonder. How was anyone capable of hating a child they gave birth to? Weren’t parents supposed to love their children unconditionally?
My father loves me unconditionally.
True.
Gran loved me unconditionally.
Also true.
Jeb and Laney love me unconditionally.
Again, true.
But they weren’t her mother.
“Is that all you needed?”
“Yes. I’ll call on you when supper is ready.”
“Okay.” Lydia turned to leave. God, she needed fresh air.
“Hold on.”
Groaning inwardly, Lydia slowly turned back around to stare at her mother, wondering what on earth she could possibly have to say after verbally stabbing her in the heart.
“Don’t you be messing with that boy, you hear me? He’s a good boy and he ain’t interested in the likes of you. Callum only wants a real woman.”
Oh, hell no. She did not!
Lydia’s skin felt like it was on fire and every atom in her body screamed for her to punch her mother right in her hateful, judgmental, bigot-infested mouth. Oh, what satisfaction it would give her just to do it one time. Just one time.
“Yes, ma’am.” Her voice cracked and her vision blurred as she whirled around and left as quickly as she could. The more distance she put between them, the better.
Jeb was re-entering the house and she pushed him out of her way frantically.
“Whoa—hey! What’s the matter?” He asked, grabbing for her elbow.
She shrugged him away.
“This was a mistake,” she sobbed. “Leave me be, Jebson Ray! I need to go.”
“Hey, now wait just a minute.” He grabbed her upper arms and turned her to face him.
Damn it. So much for a quick escape.
“Why are you cryin’?” His dark green eyes scanned hers, an angry storm brewing behind them. “What did she say to you, Lyds?”
“It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Coming back here was a mistake. Please let me go, Jeb.”
“Heck no, I ain’t letting you go.” He tightened his grip a bit more to get his point across. “You just got back. Don’t let her run you off. Please?”
“But she says terrible things.” Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as her eyes began to burn. Great. So much for not ruining her makeup. “She hasn’t changed a damn bit.”
“Screw her.” Jeb bit the words out, much to her surprise.
She’d never heard her brother talk like that before, but she needed to take into consideration the last time they’d seen each other was when he was only ten. He’d done a lot of growing since then.
“I ain’t letting you leave, Lydia Jane.”
He remembered her middle name?
“I don’t give a damn what she has to say about any of this, you’re my sister and I love you. You have to stay. Okay?” His deep voice began to break with emotion as he gazed at her.
Lydia could see the possibility of pain she’d cause if she left so suddenly. She couldn’t do that to him.
“Promise me you’ll stay.”
Ugh, why did he have to make it so hard? Prairie Town wasn’t what she needed, never had been. Staying here...staying around her wasn’t what she needed.
But she couldn’t abandon her family again. That was just too selfish.
“Fine.” She huffed and wiped at her eyes, cringing as she glanced at her fingertips and saw the mascara smeared over them. “But I swear if she says anything else...”
“Just ignore her. She likes to run her mouth—that ain’t nothing new, huh? But me and Laney have been waiting for you to come back since the day you left with Gran. And Dad, too. I know Gran took care of you. I know she made you happy in Vermont and it was really nice of her to take you all the way to Germany for that surgery, but we need you here now.”
“Oh, I am not staying.” Lydia shook her head furiously. “I can’t live in Prairie Town, Jeb.”
“Why not?” He seemed crushed. “Nobody else knows who you are...who you were.”
“But Mama knows. And she’ll tell them just to ruin whatever happiness I might find. Besides, I’m your sister, not some silly cousin. She’s not going to let people know she’s my mother.”
“Damn it.” He dropped his head in defeat. “We’ll figure something out, okay? I swear we will.”
“I’m just visiting, Jeb. You need to understand that. I’m here for Gran’s funeral and then I’m gone. Why can’t that be good enough for you?”
He was about to reply when Callum’s heavy boot hit the bottom step, distracting both of them from the conversation. Lydia quickly pulled away from her brother and wiped at her eyes again. She probably looked like a right-awful mess.
“Is everything all right?” Mr. Hunky asked, genuine concern written all over his face.
“Yeah,” Jeb replied. “We were just reminiscing over Gran.”
“I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s okay,” Lydia forced a trembly-lipped smile and shrugged her shoulders. “I was just heading out anyway.”
Jeb’s eyes grew to the size of quarters as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“But you’re coming back, ain’t ya?” He asked, his tone a mix of desperation and panic.
“Of course I’m coming back, Jebby.” She kissed his cheek and laughed, but even that sounded forced. “I just need to go by the funeral home and make sure they put Gran in the dress she wanted.”
The truth was she’d already taken care of all of that before coming to the house, but they didn’t need to know that. She just needed to find a quiet place so she could clear her head.
Or maybe find some Xanax.
Chapter Two
Dinner, so far, had been pretty uneventful, at least for Lydia. It involved the usual conversations about how everyone’s day went, which was always a family ritual, and inquiring about what life in Germany was like. She didn’t mind humoring her family’s curiosity, but it was difficult to enjoy their first dinner together in eleven years, thanks to her mother’s dodgy looks and constant frowns.
Callum was none the wiser, thank God. He was seated straight across from Lydia, a grin always on his face and the most impressive table manners she’d ever seen. He had to come from money, she decided. Guys in Prairie Town didn’t say please or thank you, and they definitely didn’t pull seats out for women—which he did for her, her sister, and her mother before dinner started.
He was different and the threat of being lured in by his charm was very real in Lydia’s mind.
She didn’t allow herself to get close to many people, never had. Being close meant risking falling in love, and falling in love meant eventually becoming intimate.
She was a 25-year-old virgin.
Laney always teased her about being a virgin, but she didn’t mind. Having sex was a big deal. Letting a man touch her like that was an even bigger deal. The gender reassignment surgery was successful and she loved her body now more than ever, but actually being with a man? It terrified her.
Laney also teased her for that, too.
“Sex is great, Lydia. Stop being ridiculous about it.” She’d said. “Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!”
Technically, she di
dn’t even have a virginity to be taken in that particular area of her body. Her first time with a man wouldn’t be the same as it was for other women, but it would still be new and terrifying.
After her surgery, Lydia had taken every precaution she could and followed her doctor’s orders as closely as she could. Becoming a woman was everything she’d ever wanted because she always felt like a woman, but now there were two things she would have to do every day to remain healthy.
Like every other living, breathing, red-blooded woman, she touched herself. She didn’t own a vibrator, but what was referred to as a vaginal dilator. It was meant to prevent her new ‘play-ground’ from shrinking. Laney insisted being with a man didn’t really feel different, but Lydia begged to differ. Her dilator couldn’t talk back. Her dilator didn’t look into her eyes or ask questions. Being with a man absolutely terrified her.
But unlike most women, she had to take daily doses of Estrogen and would never be able to stop. Of course, that was nothing new in her life. She’d been taking medicines to battle the ‘boy germs’ as she called them, since she was nine years old.
None of it would have been possible without her Gran. She was the first person Lydia ever confided in about wanting to be a girl.
“No matter what you want to do with your life, I will do everything in my power to make it so. That’s what Grannies do.”
And that’s exactly what Gran did for her. She went above and beyond to ensure Lydia got everything she wanted.
The first obstacle they had to overcome was telling her parents. It didn’t go very well. She anticipated her father being angry and her mother crying, but things turned out drastically different when her mother began screaming at her. Lydia never saw that coming. Of all the people in the world who could turn their back on her, she never thought it would be her mom.
“He’s sick, that’s what it is. We’ll take him to a doctor.” Her mother had said.
“She’s not sick,” her grandmother argued. “She’s unhappy and it’s your job to change that.”
“It’s my job to teach my children the difference between right and wrong. This is wrong! I want him to go to a doctor. Something’s wrong with his head.”
She would never forget those words. Her 9-year-old self would eventually learn to accept the fact her mother no longer wanted to hug her, kiss her, or tell her how much she loved her.
The truth was her mother had hated her very much since that night. She kicked her out and her father decided she needed to live with Gran for a while.
She was glad he supported her. He said he would do whatever he could to help her become the person she wanted to be. And he did. By picking up extra shifts at work and selling homemade wooden crafts, he helped Gran pay for the hormones she needed to prevent puberty from turning her into a man.
When they finally found a doctor who would support her decision to transition, they had to drive all the way to Vermont. It was the only other state her grandmother could think of that would have the support she needed aside from California. Neither of them wanted to be that far away from home, so 800 miles didn’t seem so bad.
The doctor started hormone replacement therapy not long after they arrived. Lydia never had to worry about excessive hair growth or her voice deepening. Her hips became more girlish and she started developing breasts by the time she was twelve. Her skin was softer, her face was more feminine, and she grew her hair out.
Her father could only afford to visit a few times over the course of the next four years. He brought her two favorite people along during the summer visits. Laney would paint her nails. Jeb begged her to play football, and she would. Getting to spend time with her siblings made her happy. She loved them.
But her mother never came to visit. Her mother never called. She never wrote letters.
As stupid as it seemed now, Lydia probably should have given up on the hope of her mother ever accepting her.
By the time she was eighteen, Lydia knew she was ready for surgery. She wanted it more than anything else in the world. Her Gran and Dad agreed that it was time to take the next step, so she and her Gran relocated to Germany.
Her life had been about sacrifice for so long. Living away from her brother, sister, and father almost killed her at times. She missed them so much. It was easy to see why Jeb didn’t want her to leave, but could she really stay in Prairie Town?
“Did you hear that, Lyds?” Jeb interrupted her trip down memory lane. “Callum asked ya something.”
“What?” She blinked, cheeks warming. “I’m sorry, what was it?”
“That’s all right.” Callum grinned. “I was just asking why you don’t have an accent.”
“Huh?”
“An accent.” He repeated. “You know, you’re from Germany, right?”
“Oh. No, I’m not from Germany,” she admitted, much to her mother’s dismay. “I’m actually from here. I moved to Vermont with my grandmother when I was little and I only visited Germany seven years ago. I’m not technically from there.”
“I must have misunderstood. I’m sorry.” His eyes sparkled as he gave her another grin and Lydia’s heart exploded.
He was too pretty for his own good.
“That’s all right. I haven’t been here in so long that it’s easy to forget I was ever here at all.” She glanced at her mother. “It’s easier for people to say I’m from Germany, I guess.”
Tension grew thick in the air as her father cleared his throat and Lydia gave him an apologetic smile. She knew he wanted to tell the truth just as much as she did, but when would be the right time, if ever?
“So you grew up with your grandma, huh?” Callum pushed on with the conversation, seemingly unaware of the death glare her mother was giving her. “Where were your parents, if I may be so bold to ask?”
“Oh, them.” Lydia straightened in her seat and sighed. “My father was always very present in my life, but he was also very busy. I stayed with my grandmother because it was a personal choice. I liked traveling.”
It was a terrible lie. She was awful at lying.
“Well, that’s good—that you kept in touch with him. What about your mother?”
Jeb and Laney stared at one another, awaiting Lydia’s response. Did they expect her to say something terrible?
Lydia chose her words very carefully. Tracing her fingers over the handle of her fork, she lifted her eyes to meet Callum’s.
“She walked out on me when I was nine.” She replied quietly. “Apparently, I wasn’t the perfect child she wanted.”
“That’s awful.” Callum’s eyebrows pinched together. He leaned forward in his seat, tilting his head a little. “Any woman who can do that has no right to call herself a mother in my opinion.”
Mrs. McIntosh’s fork hit her plate with an awful clatter, causing everyone to look at her. She blinked back the water in her eyes and stood from her seat abruptly.
“Please excuse me.” She said, her voice trembling with anger. “I think I will retire for the evening. Do the dishes, Laney.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Laney murmured, her eyes moving back to Lydia.
Everyone knew exactly what had happened—except for Callum. He took a sip of his lemonade, none the wiser, and nudged Jeb with his elbow.
“What was that all about?”
“Don’t worry about it, buddy.” Jeb gave his sister a knowing grin. “Sometimes she just likes to go to bed early.”
Yeah, Lydia thought with great sadness. Or the truth just really hurts.
Chapter Three
The day of Gran’s funeral arrived faster than Lydia anticipated. Two days with her siblings flew by and while she had a great time being with them, the lingering dread of her final goodbye to the most amazing woman in her life grew heavier with each passing hour. Today was the day.
“I don’t think I can do this.” She whispered, peering out the passenger side window of Jeb’s truck. “You know she’s going to make a scene.”
Her brother’s heavy sigh signal
ed annoyance, frustration, and defeat. Jeb knew all too well what their mother was capable of and no matter how many times he reassured her things would play out differently, Mrs. McIntosh would always prove him wrong.
“Gran was her mom.” He said after a few seconds of silence. Drumming his thumbs against the steering wheel, he shifted in his seat. He looked so funny in a suit—Lydia remembered him always wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt and that hadn’t changed, but today he looked really nice. Handsome.
“I’m aware of their relationship to one another.” Lydia turned her head to peer at him, frowning. “But Mama seems to like to forget Gran’s relationship to me. How can she be so mean after everything Gran did for me?”
Why couldn’t she love me as much as Gran did?
“Stubbornness?”
“More like ignorance.” Laney scoffed. She was seated between them and had been unusually quiet for most of the ride over from the house. “That woman needs a new brain.”
Or a new heart...
“She won’t make a scene today. It’s not a day for screwing around.” Jeb shut the engine off and got out, moving over to the passenger side. He opened the door for them and smiled. “Just stick with me, Lyds. You’ll be okay.”
She wasn’t so sure, honestly. Tugging the bottom of her dress down over her thighs, Lydia got out of the truck and waited for Laney to join them.
“Do I look all right?” She questioned, running her fingers through her long brown hair. Today didn’t seem like a day for fancy up-dos or braids, so she chose to leave it down. Gran always liked her hair down.
“You look beautiful.” Laney wrapped an arm around her, smiling warmly. “We both do.”
“Uh huh,” Jeb agreed, but he was only doing it because it was the brotherly thing to do. He seemed uncomfortable in a suit and tie, fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket and tugging at his belt. “You girls head on in. I’m going to wait for Callum.”
Lydia’s heart sped up.
“Callum’s coming?”
“Of course he’s coming. He wants to pay his respects. I’d wager half the town is coming to see Gran one last time.”
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