by Andrea Wolfe
"No!" I said. "It's not like that. It's just... I don't know. What do we do now?"
"Stay in London forever? Spend the next year backpacking through Europe? Make sweet, sweet love in a fancy hotel suite in Paris?"
I laughed and took another drink. It was creamy and smooth, the perfect amount of sweetness. The caffeine hit me fast. "I don't know if I'm ready for all that excitement."
"Well, I guess it's all over then," he said sarcastically.
I smirked. "What's your schedule like the rest of the time you're here?"
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and started fiddling with it. "Busy as hell. Yesterday was my one day off. I've got a meeting in an hour and then it doesn't stop until I leave. Meetings, dinners, presentations, other bullshit."
The news initially made me depressed, but maybe it was good thing after all. Maybe it was good to give ourselves some distance after last night. With distance came room to think. With room to think came clarity, sensibility, rationality...
"So this might be it, then?"
He set his phone down. "Hey, don't be like that."
"What's that?" I retorted.
"Just don't be sad or whatever. It's not like it was just a one-night stand or something."
"So does that mean it'll happen again? Is that what you're saying?"
Jesse frowned, and then made his face neutral again. "I want it to happen. But I don't think you know what you want. Do you want it to happen again?"
I took another foamy sip of my latte and stared out into the street. People were walking by the window constantly. "I don't really know yet, I guess. I think so, but..."
"See? So why are you putting all the pressure on me?"
"I was just trying to understand," I said curtly.
"You need to figure out what you want," he said. "I mean, we can figure it out... together. Naomi, last night was incredible, maybe the best night of my life. But it's like... things are still holding you back."
I sighed. "Yeah, sorry. This is all happening so fast."
He smiled. "Well, I can't believe it's happening at all."
I shrugged. "So will I see you again in London after today?"
"I don't really know. It doesn't seem likely, though. Everyone took yesterday off to get a break from each other. Now we're back to crunch time."
I felt myself getting choked up. "You came into my life and made me believe that things were finally gonna be okay. And now I'm just totally confused about something new."
He laughed, but it wasn't an uncaring laugh. "That's life, isn't it? You only catch up so you can fall behind again. We'll work it out."
"So what happens when we get home? Are you gonna come visit me?"
"Sure," he said warmly. "Or you could come to Boston."
Excitement hit me like the caffeine had a few minutes earlier. "Thanks, Jesse," I said. "Thanks for all of this. Seriously, I mean it."
He put his hand over mine again. "I mean, I never thought I'd even see you again. Unless you became a movie star or something."
I giggled. "Me? A movie star? I'm the worst actor in the world."
"But have you ever tried to get better?"
"I guess not," I admitted. "So maybe I'm secretly brilliant."
After the friendly back and forth quips, we fell silent again, drinking and staring and thinking. When my latte was finally gone, I spoke. "Don't you have to get going?"
"Yeah," he grumbled, putting his phone back into his pocket. "I wish I didn't, though. I'll probably be a few minutes late, but whatever. I guess we should go grab your phone."
We took care of our cups and headed back outside, crossing the street and walking through the courtyard. A few minutes later, we were back in his room.
"It must have been lonely having this huge suite all to yourself," I remarked.
"Does the size of the room really matter if you're all alone?"
"I think it does," I said. "Would you rather be alone in a mansion or a tiny hotel room?"
"The mansion sounds like more fun."
I laughed. "I'd much rather be in the hotel room. The mansion would probably freak me out. I would start hearing things." I paused and smiled. "I really missed these stupid discussions," I said. "Just so you know."
"Me too," he said. "I meant it when I said you were smart. That's why they're so good."
"Whatever," I said. I knelt down and grabbed my phone. It was only half-charged, but that would be sufficient to get me home. I put it in my purse and stood up.
Jesse put an iPad and laptop into a bag in the other corner of the room. When the pockets were zipped up, he lifted the bag over his shoulder and approached me. "Well, that's all I need," he said. "Do you have everything?"
"I didn't bring much."
"Great. A light traveler. Gives you more time to enjoy the places you visit." He started slowly walking toward the door.
The tension in the air had become palpable, and I could almost taste that bitter sweetness on my tongue. My legs felt wobbly and weak. This was it.
"You're sure you don't want a cab?" he asked.
"No, it's okay," I said. He nodded as we stepped into the hall.
After he locked up the room, we locked arms and headed into the elevator, huddling closely as we descended toward the lobby. In that short trip, I thought of a hundred perfect things to say, but said none of them.
When the door dinged, it surprised me. I jumped a little.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. I zoned out."
We passed through the lobby quickly and then ended up in the courtyard again, stopping near the middle, right before the wrought iron gate. We were surrounded by the towers and other classic, medieval architecture. There were tables outside for the restaurant.
The bold scenery was kind of overwhelming given the weight of the situation.
After we reached the gate, we stopped, just a few feet short of the sidewalk.
"You're sure you're okay?"
"I think so," I said. "I'm just not good at goodbyes."
"Nobody is."
Jesse hugged me and we stood there in silence, the city continuing around us as if we were invisible. Nobody cared about us. Nobody gave a damn except for us—and that was just fine.
I started to cry, and Jesse sensed it immediately. "Naomi, it'll be okay. We'll see each other again soon."
"I know," I said, half talking into his sleeve. "You helped me a lot. I mean, I feel better than I have in a long time. Seriously."
"Well, you deserve it," he said warmly.
"And your company deserves huge success," I added.
He laughed. "I sure hope so. I'd hate to invest so much time and have it fall apart just as we start to actually make money."
"You'll do great."
"So will you," he said. "You just have to get out there and take control of your life... and apply to veterinary school."
I laughed. "Maybe I will."
A few seconds passed in silence, seconds that seemed more like minutes—or even hours. I gazed at him, transfixed. Soon, I found myself drawn to him.
We kissed deeply, passionately, without restraint. His hand planted on my head, he drew me even closer. Our tongues mingled, his body pressed hard against mine.
And then it ended fast.
"I'm really sorry," he said abruptly. "I'm sorry if it's all moving too fast. But I can't change the way I feel about you."
"No, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm glad it happened."
"Me, too," he said.
Again silence.
"I'm really gonna miss you, Jesse. I missed you all this time too. I know that now."
"I missed you too, Naomi," he said. "And I still love you no matter what."
"Thanks," I whispered. I wished I could have said something more substantial, but I knew I didn't have the answers right then.
"Well, business awaits me," he said, frowning.
Sadness hit me hard. "Am I really gonna see you again?"
He nodded. "Abso
lutely. I'll make sure of it."
Jesse hugged me tighter and I clutched him back, never wanting to let go. I breathed him in, that incredible blend of peppermint and cologne and musk. Finally, he eased up and lowered his head and kissed me. It actually caught me off guard, but as soon as I felt it, I drifted off into space.
I kissed with desperation, with need, with lust and kindness and melancholy. I fought his tongue with my own, grabbing his head and pulling him even closer. His mouth still tasted like espresso, and his breath was hot.
Finally—and abruptly—the second kiss ended. We stared into each other's eyes as deeply as we possibly could, savoring that final moment.
"Okay, well, I gotta go now," he said awkwardly, the final punctuation in the sentence of our current experience.
"Yeah."
"I'll see you soon, okay? Everything will be all right."
My view of the world was stained with tears. "Okay. I'll try, Jesse Evans. I promise."
"And you'll do great things. Bye, Naomi." He cradled my hand.
"Bye, Jesse," I whispered.
Our hands separated and then he walked backward a few steps, waved, and then finally turned away, disappearing into the crowds on the street like a man who had never existed at all.
I stood there in silence, alone again, but not without hope. Confused, but hopeful.
This time it would be different; it had to be.
29
"So did you sleep with him?" That was Arielle's inaugural question upon my return home.
I froze up at first, paralyzed by their prying eyes and curious expressions. The three of us were eating lunch in a deli, and after she inquired, I put my BLT back down on the plate and left it there.
My usual tactic was to dodge the question or act overly timid. As Arielle had first learned in high school, I wasn't one to kiss and explicitly tell like she did. But I still told.
"I did," I said, borderline proudly. "And it was awesome."
Arielle high-fived me. "That's my girl! We were rooting for you the whole time. When will you see him again?"
I took a small bite of my sandwich. "I don't know. He's so busy with business stuff, so probably not again while I'm here. He's in Boston though, so I might go see him soon. We saw Blood Lake last night in a small theater."
"Holy shit, that's crazy!" Arielle said. "I loved that movie. I remember when we first talked about it."
After some additional small talk—mostly focused on Jesse's company and what we had done all day together—the discussion ended. I gave her what she wanted, and that promptly ended the inquisition. Had I frozen up or been vague, she might have questioned me all the more intensely.
Also, the incident in front of Buckingham Palace served as a powerful distraction from the intimate details.
"He pointed his gun at kids? That's so messed up!"
***
The rest of the time in London wasn't nearly as memorable or interesting as those roughly twenty-four hours with Jesse Evans. Us three girls drank, ate, laughed, danced, rinsed, and repeated.
And although I felt good, the highs I felt with Jesse simply couldn't be matched by anything else we did. And I didn't get to see him again, which, even though I expected it, still crushed me. All I had gotten was a measly text:
Him: So sorry we didn't get to meet up again. Text me soon, okay? I want to see you. I miss you already.
It hadn't been perfect, but it had been enough.
***
The goodbyes to Catherine and Amy were bittersweet, full of drawn out hugs and copious well-wishing. It felt like so much had happened in two weeks, and I knew I probably wouldn't see them again for a very long time, if ever. They had both been incredible hosts, and I promised to stay in touch with Amy about veterinary school.
It was sad watching the city disappear behind us as we drove back to Heathrow. However, I was eager to get back to NYC. I wanted to see Elise, and I wanted those familiar surroundings again.
The flight back was full of watching movies, drinking wine, sleeping, or eating. In other words, it was pretty much like regular life—but at fifty-thousand feet.
When we finally got back to our apartment, Elise was waiting for us in the living room, as ecstatic as a lonely puppy would have been. If she'd had a tail, it would have definitely been wagging. The place was spotless. All of the mess in the kitchen was gone.
Elise must have been seriously bored.
"I've been waiting for you guys! It's so awful without anyone else here. I even cleaned." Her hair was down, and it looked more professional than usual. More serious. Like a pro had done it, not just a mere student.
"Congratulations!" Arielle and I both said together. We attacked her with a group hug.
"Thanks!" she said, grinning uncontrollably. "Now I just need to find a place to work."
"That's not a new problem," Arielle said. "Everybody's got that problem."
Elise started laughing. "God, I'm just glad to have you guys back. I was starting to talk to myself. And that guy I'm seeing is out of town too. I was losing my mind since I'm done with school and don't have anything to do. I finished all six seasons of Gossip Girl in six days."
"You're an addict," Arielle scoffed. "You should probably go to TV rehab."
"Sure. But first, let's get high and get a pizza."
"Hell yeah, dude," Arielle said.
I planted a fake smile on my face. Here were the same routines, right before me again. I internally debated the pros and cons of partaking or refusing. I was home now. This could be the big moment where I changed for the better.
Arielle loaded the bong while Elise ordered the pizza.
"First hit for the hairstylist!" Arielle announced. Elise enthusiastically took it. And then naturally, she passed the bong to me.
I stared at it for what seemed like a long time, thinking, contemplating. Saying no felt like a good choice. But then again, this was a celebration for Elise, so I didn't want to be weird.
I gave in and passed it along.
It was fine, but the second the weed really hit me, my mind went straight to Jesse. What was he doing? Was he happy? Was he thinking about me? Even though we had been physically closer in London, I felt even closer to him in the United States.
He was just in Boston, a few short hours away. There were tons of buses I could take. It was close to home.
I couldn't stop thinking about how he told me he loved me all this time. How he had overreacted in high school because I had broken his heart when I went out with Mason instead of him.
And then Mason was dead and the whole situation was irreconcilable—well, until now.
"What's up, Naomi?" Arielle asked me after an extended moment of silence.
"I'm just really tired. And really high." The second part was a minor lie, so I faked a giggling fit.
She bought it. But that didn't stop her from immediately telling Elise about my landmark day and night with Jesse Evans.
"I'm so happy for you!" Elise said after Arielle finished her abbreviated version of the story. "It's healthy for you to be dating again!"
"I guess so," I said.
Dating again. The words rang like somebody had hit a gong inside my head.
Is that what I was doing? I didn't feel like I was dating—but I did want to see Jesse again. I needed to make some sense of us, whatever we were.
We passed out early that night, suffering from excessive jet lag, again leaving Elise to fend for herself. But she forgave us.
***
Work the next day was tough. I was still jet lagged, so I moved like a zombie. Some of the inventory had been rearranged since I left, so on top of battling to stay awake, I was also trying to figure out where the hell everything was.
"Are you okay, Naomi?" Vijay asked.
"Jet lagged," I said sluggishly.
He handed me a ten-dollar bill. "Go get yourself some coffee. And get me a large chai."
"What if I want a chai too?" I asked sarcastically. "Do I have to get
coffee?"
"Just get going," he grumbled. "While it's still slow in the shop."
I dragged my feet as I headed to our usual neighborhood coffee shop. As I waited for our drinks, my phone trilled. I pulled it out of my pocket. It was Jesse:
Him: Hey, did you make it back all right? Boston is so much lonelier without you. I wish you were here right now. :(
Even though I had been thinking about him constantly, I had totally forgotten to text him and let him know that I arrived home. I immediately fired off a response:
Me: I completely forgot! I'm so sorry. Still super jet lagged. :( We made it back yesterday. I wish YOU were in NYC right now! :)
Him: I'll be there soon enough. When are you coming here?
Me: Whenever you've got a free minute from that big company of yours. ;)
I didn't expect much of an answer other than something general, but I got one—and it was quite specific:
Him: How about next weekend? I'll buy you a bus ticket for Friday and email you the details.
I grinned at the counter, standing alone. Here was my golden opportunity already. My golden ticket in the chocolate bar. I figured that it might be weeks or months before I got to see Jesse again. But next weekend was soon.
Me: That sounds awesome! :)
The drinks showed up right after that, and after taking a big, overly hot sip of my Americano, I headed back to work, feeling quite rejuvenated.
I had both caffeine and something to look forward to in the near future.
The walk back was a lot quicker than the other direction had been. Vijay laughed as soon as he saw me.
"You sure look a lot happier than you did before."
"Just damn good coffee," I said, handing him his chai. "Thanks, Vijay."
He took a sip. "It's too bad the chai isn't 'damn good.' This wouldn't even begin to pass for chai in India."
I rolled my eyes and left his change on the checkout counter. "Hey, can I leave a couple hours early on Friday? I want to meet a friend in Boston."
"I don't mind," he said. "Business is so slow. I'll be fine."