He exhaled slowly, and the swirling in his own irises slowed. “And I know that I have no right to ask you not to do whatever you’re thinking about doing right now, but looking into your eyes at this particular moment is scaring me worse than I’ve ever been scared, Kaylee. Worse than when I died. Worse than when Nash died. Worse than when you died, because whatever you’re thinking...it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? This is bigger than one death, because it’s bigger than one life. Isn’t it?”
“Tod, I can’t....” My eyes filled again, and his face blurred beneath my tears.
“Yes, you can.” He looked into my eyes, and I blinked. When my tears fell, he got a better look at my irises, and I saw fresh apprehension twist in his. “What are you thinking, Kaylee?” He frowned, looking deeper. “Whatever it is, please tell me you haven’t already done it.”
“I haven’t. But most of the plans are already in place.”
“What plans? What did you do? Please tell me you didn’t make another deal with a hellion.”
“I need a drink. My mouth is so dry.” I’d never been so nervous or felt so guilty in my life.
Tod handed me my cup, and I took a long sip from mine while he drank from his. When I heard the dry, icy rattle from the bottom of his cup, I knew it was time.
“Thanks.”
He set both cups on the fridge one last time. “Better?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and crossed my legs beneath me on the mattress, trying to decide how to start the most difficult conversation I’d ever been a part of.
“What’s going on, Kaylee?” His voice was low and tense. He watched me in fear, and that was only going to get worse.
“I’m going to tell you some of it. As much as I can. But an hour from now, you’re not going to remember what I said. Not consciously, anyway.”
“I’m not going to...?” His frown deepened. “Why wouldn’t I remember?”
I glanced pointedly at the cups standing on his minifridge, and he followed my gaze. “What the hell did you do?” When he turned back to me, irises twisting with a soul-bruising combination of fear, anger, and betrayal, I held the vial out to him, my hand shaking almost uncontrollably.
He took the vial and read his mother’s handwriting. Comprehension surfaced in his expression, then bled into anger a split second before he turned and hurled the vial at the wall. It shattered, leaving a wet smear on the paint and shards of glass on the floor.
I flinched but stood my ground. I’d known he’d be mad, but that didn’t alter necessity.
“You drugged me?”
“I’m so sorry, Tod.” I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away from me, and my heart broke into a thousand splinters of pain and despair. “I had to.”
“You had to drug me?” He stood and paced the narrow floor space for a second, then turned to me again. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“This is the only way I could tell you what’s going to happen, and you deserve to know that, even if you’re not going to remember it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! What’s the point of telling me if I’m not going to remember?”
“Your mom taught me a little bit about—” I gestured vaguely toward the wet spot on the wall “—when we used it on Traci. You won’t remember specifically what I’m about to tell you, but subconsciously you should retain enough to understand that this was my choice. That this is really how I wanted it to happen.”
“Kaylee...?” His voice was so thick with fear that it seemed to hang in the air between us. “What did you do?”
I wasn’t ready to answer that yet, so I continued with my own train of thought. “Also, I wanted to say goodbye. I couldn’t just...go.”
“No.” He sank onto the bed next to me, shaking his head so hard that blond curls bounced on his forehead. “No. Whatever you did, we can undo it. You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. None of us will.”
I took his hand, and that time he let me keep it. He covered them both with his free hand as if he were about to break some tough news to me.
I took a long, deep breath. “In a couple of hours, Levi’s going to come see you guys at my house.”
“Levi?” Tod’s hands tightened around mine. “What does he have to do with this?”
“He’s going to tell you that I’m gone—”
“No. No, Kaylee...” The pain in his eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to continue.
“He’s going to tell you that I came to his office tonight—between picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeades—and that I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.”
“Kaylee, no. I won’t let him. He’ll have to go through me to get to you.”
My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. “You won’t remember this, Tod.” I held his gaze. I wouldn’t let him look away and deny what I was saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. “You won’t remember that he’s coming for me, but later, when he tells you that I’m gone, you’ll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously you’ll remember me telling you this. You’ll know this is truly what I wanted, and you’ll help the others understand.”
“No, I won’t.” Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clutching my hand. “I can’t help them understand what I don’t understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?”
“This is the only way.” I wiped moisture from my own eyes and sniffed back more tears. “We’ve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if we’d had time, but we don’t have time. Avari’s going to kill my dad in a matter of hours, and he’s not going to stop coming after everyone I love until he has me. Or until there’s no possibility of him ever getting me.” I squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. “This has to stop. I have to make this stop before someone else gets hurt.”
“There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay.” His anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain as Beck’s dagger had. “You said forever.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made myself meet his gaze again. “It feels like I’ve done nothing but break promises to you lately, and I’m so sorry about that, but this one can’t be avoided. I’m counting on you, Tod.” Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my eyes. “My dad and Nash and Em...they’re not going to understand this. I need you to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and that I did it to protect them. Don’t let them blame themselves. Make sure they understand that I’m gone and I’m at peace. That the best thing they can possibly do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their lives.”
“Every now and then...” Tod shook his head. “I can’t go five minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that death—even true death—will change that?”
His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it before he saw, but I couldn’t help being relieved by the thought that he would remember me for at least part of forever.
“Besides, your dad’s not even here. What makes you think Avari will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out you’re out of reach? He’ll still torture your dad. He doesn’t need a reason. He’ll do it because he’s evil.”
“I’m not going to leave him there. I won’t leave any of them. That part of my plan is still in progress, but I swear I won’t go until my dad, your mom, and Uncle Brendon are back home.” That was the hard part. The part I was still figuring out.
“How? Did you develop some superpower I’m not aware of?” His voice was threaded with anger now, and I was almost relieved by that. Anger was much easier to deal with than pain, though there was still plenty of that, too. “They wouldn’t want you to do this. None of them would.”
“
This isn’t about what they want for me. This is about what I want for them. It’s already settled. I just need you to truly understand that this is what I want, so you’ll remember that, even after you’ve forgotten everything I actually said.”
“I won’t forget.” He pulled his hands from mine and stood, feverishly glancing around the room with wide eyes, his forehead furrowed. “I’ll write it down. Where the hell are my pens and paper?”
“You don’t have any.” Which was among the reasons I’d never done homework in his room. “Tod. Please.” I stood and pulled him toward me, and he came reluctantly, the anguished blues in his irises pulsing in time with his heartbeat.
“You can’t expect me to just accept this, Kaylee. You can’t possibly think I’m just going to sit here for the next half hour and wait for Levi to come and steal your soul and take you away from me forever.”
“Fine.” I shrugged, hiding my own heartbreak. “Don’t wait for it. Don’t let it happen. Fight him for me, when he comes.” I pulled him even closer and stood on my toes to whisper into his ear while my arms slid around his neck. “But until then, let’s pretend this is actually going to happen. Let’s pretend that we don’t know how much longer we have until you’ll fall asleep, and let’s pretend I don’t want to spend whatever time we have left like this. In anger and denial. Let’s pretend we have to say goodbye.” My eyes watered, and that time I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “How do you want to say goodbye, Tod?”
His arms wound around me, and he shook with silent sobs. He buried his face in my hair, and his words came out haltingly, stumbling over tears he was obviously fighting. “We’re not pretending anymore, are we?”
“We never were. We never have, Tod.” My fingers slid into his hair, and I tried to memorize the softness. The curls. “You and I have been real from the start. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I can’t stop you, can I?” His breath was warm on my ear, and his grip almost bruised. “No one ever could stop you once you made up your mind.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. “I want...” I held him as tight as I could. “We don’t have much time left. I want to be with you. Please. You can’t change any of this, so let’s just...let’s just be together, okay?” My tears fell on his shoulder. “Will you just be with me?”
“You don’t even have to ask....” He pulled far enough away that he could see me, and beneath unshed tears, his irises burst into a tight twist of colors that made my head spin and my heart ache.
We sat on the edge of his bed and he leaned in to kiss me, and I buried myself in the feel and taste of him. I pushed everything else from my mind as silent tears trailed down my cheeks and landed in my hair.
We took our time, lingering in touches and kisses that echoed in my heart and haunted my memory. When all our clothes were gone, and most of our time was gone, and my chest ached so badly I could hardly stand it, I pulled him close and whispered into his ear. “I need you to trust me, even after I’m gone. Even after you’ve forgotten all of this. Do you trust me, Tod?”
“With everything I have and everything I am. With all my soul.”
I lost control of a sob. Just one, and Tod kissed the tears from my cheeks.
“And would you wait for me, if it came to that?” I shouldn’t have said it, but he wouldn’t remember, and I needed to know.
I could handle whatever lay ahead if I had that one answer.
“Until the end of time. Love doesn’t expire, Kaylee. And love never, ever dies.”
With every last beat of my heart and every single bit of my own soul, I hoped that he was right.
* * *
Afterward, Tod and I lay side by side, breathing in sync, his arm wrapped around me while he fought sleep and the oblivion it would bring for him. I never wanted that moment to end, but it was doomed from the very beginning. That was a moment stolen from eternity, and those moments were never meant to last.
When I sat up, his arm retreated slowly, and he exhaled so heavily that I almost changed my mind. I almost took the coward’s way out. But then I remembered that in the end, the easy way would only be harder. For all of us.
I stood and pulled on my clothes, and I could feel him watching me. In the bathroom doorway, I turned to look at him, gripping the doorframe. “I love you.”
He sat up, wearing just his shorts, his feet peeking out beneath the sheet draped over the floor. “I...” He stopped, then started over. “Words don’t do it justice, Kaylee.” But that was okay, because I could see how he felt. He was showing me, in his eyes. In his soul.
“I know. Words were never enough, were they?”
“None of it was enough.” He stood, and a second later I was in his arms, and his hands were in my hair, and he was kissing me, and holding me, and trying to hold on to me, and I knew I should push him away. That I should make a clean break. But I needed to feel him. I needed to kiss him. One last time. “I will never, ever have enough of you, Kaylee.”
Then, slowly he let me go.
That time I didn’t look back, because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to leave. I closed the bathroom door behind me, and silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I pulled my shoes on. I put my hand flat on the closed door for a moment, wondering if he could feel it from the other side. Then I blinked out of Tod’s room and out of his life.
I materialized in my father’s empty bedroom and fell to my knees on the floor, crying uncontrollably. Sobbing so hard my whole body shook. Tears poured down my face. I clutched my chest, desperate to ease an ache unlike anything I’d ever felt. My sternum hurt like my heart had been ripped from my body, leaving behind an empty, gaping cavity.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that, hunched over on the floor, shaking and sniffling and broken in more ways than I’d known a person could be broken. I stayed there until I had no more tears to cry. Until I had no other choice but to stand up, and grow up, and give up the only thing that would finally put my friends and family out of evil’s reach.
My soul.
Nash and Sabine were curled up on Emma’s twin bed, fully clothed for once. Holding each other.
The living room was quiet, so I peeked in to find Sophie and Luca asleep on the couch, together, and Em passed out in the recliner. Then I went back into my dad’s room and closed the door. I sat on his bed and picked up the notepad on his nightstand, then dug through the drawer for a pen, my jaw clenched against any more tears.
The note to my father was the hardest. It took a long time. More time than I could afford. More time than he could afford.
The note to my friends wasn’t much easier, but the words were flowing by then.
The third note was the most important. The words were critical; they had to be just right.
When I was done, I folded the pages and wrote their names on the outside.
I left the first two notes on my dad’s nightstand where—with any luck—they wouldn’t be discovered until after Levi had played his part.
The third note, I folded and slid into my back pocket while I watched them sleep, the friends and family I’d put through hell just by virtue of their connection to me.
Then I closed my damp eyes and blinked out of their lives.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The school cafeteria was somehow even creepier than I’d remembered. Maybe because my errand was creepier this time. Or maybe because I was breaking a promise to people I loved. Or maybe because I knew that even if I got what I wanted out of this midnight errand, I wouldn’t really be getting what I wanted.
There was no way for me to win this game. I’d lost the moment I started playing.
In the massive, stainless steel kitchen, I pulled a small knife from a now-familiar drawer, then sat cross-legged on the floor in a pool of moonlight shining through the window. I peeled the bandage from my left palm. Explaining another cut wouldn’t be a problem this time, so I sliced my skin open again. I gasped at the raw pain—still couldn’t get used to that—and a
line of dark red blood welled parallel to the one scabbed over half an inch away.
This time, I let the blood pool in my cupped palm, and with the knife on the floor at my side, I dipped my right index finger into my own blood and wrote Ira’s name on the dingy linoleum tiles. Then I sucked in a deep breath and tried to purge my fear while preserving my anger, which Ira would want to taste.
I had no problem with the anger part. Letting go of my fear was much harder.
I stared at the three letters on the floor, glistening dark, dark red in the moonlight. And for a second, I thought about backing out. Then I closed my eyes and whispered Ira’s name into the night.
My eyes opened, and a second later the hellion appeared in front of me, mirroring my cross-legged pose, staring across his own name at me. “Ms. Cavanaugh.” On his tongue, my name sounded like the clash of swords, wielded in timeless fury.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he continued while I struggled to focus through the anger emanating from him, settling into my bones. Into my hands that wanted to form fists. Or to pick up the knife.
“You owe this pleasure to Avari, but I’d rather reverse the charges so that he owes you. And I think I know how to make that happen.”
His dark brows rose. They were the color of my blood slowly drying on the floor and now dripping from between my fingers. “I’m intrigued....”
“So there’s no misunderstanding, I have a proposal. I’m here to make a deal.”
He nodded. “Of course you are. State your terms—first, what you need from me, then, how you’re willing to pay. But you should know that tonight you reek of fear and sadness, as much as anger, and while I can and will feed from both of those emotions, they do not command as high a price as your rage.”
With All My Soul ss-7 Page 29