Resuscitate Me

by Leddy Harper

  “You don’t remember waking up a few hours ago?” I remained next to the door, not going any closer to him. “You tried to have sex with me—well, more than tried. You actually got it in for a minute. But then you started saying a bunch of shit I still don’t understand.”

  “Oh my God, Kara. I’m sorry. I don’t remember doing that. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Panic filled his tone as he stood up and took a few steps toward me, but he stopped when I held my hand up. “What…? What did I say?”

  The desperation and fear in his voice struck me hard in the chest. “I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me, but I think we should talk.”

  I gestured to the bed and he took a seat, grimacing in pain as he did. I knew he needed a pill, but I wanted him lucid for this conversation.

  “I wasn’t supposed to mention this, because I’m sure you didn’t want me to know, but it can’t be avoided any longer. I need you to tell me the real reason you bought this house. Why you sold your other one. And why you lied to me about never having sex without a condom.”

  He blinked at me in confusion, but he must’ve seen something in my expression because he gave in. “I take it my mom told you about Noelle?”

  “Yeah, right after she questioned me about the pregnancy tests she found in your bathroom. Talk about an uncomfortable conversation to have with your mother.”

  “There’s nothing to tell, Kara. I dated her for a while, but we didn’t work out. She was needy and clingy and I couldn’t handle it. I’d be at a shoot with another model, and she’d accuse me of cheating on her. So I broke up with her.”

  “And what happened after that?”

  He ran his hand through his hair and stared at his feet. “We fucked a few times, and the last time, the condom broke. I didn’t lie to you.” His gaze met mine. “You’re the only one I’ve ever been with without a condom. I wore them with her, and it broke. A month later, she told me she was pregnant, and that it was mine. I didn’t have any reason not to believe her. My house was old and small and not a place I wanted to raise a baby, so I put it on the market. I proposed to her and did everything I was supposed to. Then, before the baby was born, I found out she’d been with another guy after we broke up. She finally admitted to me there was a chance the kid was his. By that point, I didn’t want anything to do with her. If the baby was mine, I’d take care of it, but I didn’t want to be with her for the sake of the child. I’m sure you know the rest.”

  “Do you miss her?”

  “No,” he answered immediately, without an ounce of doubt.

  “You mentioned a baby several times while you were in the hospital. Once, you said something to me about him taking it away. Last night, after practically forcing yourself inside me, you brought it up again, talking about us having a baby so I won’t leave you. The only thing that makes sense to me is that your subconscious is confusing me with her.”

  “I don’t know what to tell ya, Kara. I don’t remember saying any of those things. I don’t know why I’d talk about a baby.” His eyes turned soft and glassy, pain so clear I could almost feel it myself. “I forced myself on you?”

  “Yes…but no. I mean, you stopped.”

  “That doesn’t matter.” He abruptly stood and came to me, taking my hands in his. “I would never hurt you, Kara. I wish I could remember it so I could tell you what I was thinking and why I did it—no. Had I been conscious, I would’ve never done that to you.”

  My chin dipped; I was unable to look him in the eyes. “You were in me and told me you wanted us to have a baby. As if you were trying to knock me up.” I glanced back up at him. “I don’t understand, Carter. Forget the sex. Had you not said that, I would’ve let you keep going. But I really want to know why you think you said that to me. If you weren’t thinking about your ex, why would you say such a thing?”

  “No more secrets, right?” He stared into my eyes while I nodded. “When you didn’t get your period, I’ll admit, I was fucking scared as shit. No way was I ready for a kid, especially with someone I’d just met. It would’ve made everything harder for both of us. But then you showed me the test. I read those two words: not pregnant. And my world stopped turning. I realized that would’ve been the only way we could’ve been together. Like an excuse for me to pack up my shit and follow you. That’s why I tested all the other brands. Not because I needed to make sure the first one was right. But because I was desperate for it to be wrong.”

  “So…you want us to have a baby?”

  “I have no clue why I told you that last night. I guess I feel like had you been pregnant, I wouldn’t’ve lost you, and maybe somewhere inside I’m worried you won’t stick around. I can’t tell ya why, Kara, because I don’t know. If we were to have a baby, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but we have so much to figure out first. Please believe I wouldn’t intentionally try to knock you up.”

  I took a second and absorbed his attempt at an explanation. And then the realization smacked right into me like a brick wall. I stared at him with wide eyes while my heart thumped against my chest, fighting to break free and find him. “You…you wanted that test to be positive?”

  All worry vanished from his expression and he smiled. His dimple deepened, and the lines next to his eyes fanned out. “Kinda.” He held my hips and pulled me into his body. “It sounds really fucking stupid, but part of me wished I coulda claimed you in that way. Made you mine in a way no one ever has.”

  Tears lined my face, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I only stared into his eyes and let him absorb me, let the feel of his arms around my body erase any pain I’d been in before his confession. “I don’t know what to make of that.”

  “When I was at the hospital, I had vivid nightmares about you being there during the explosion. I kept dreaming you’d been hurt. And then other dreams that you came to see me and no one would let you in the room. I’d hear you crying from the hall, calling out for me, but they wouldn’t let you in. When I woke up and saw you next to the bed, I swore to myself I’d never let you go again. I’ve spent weeks thinking you were gonna walk out that door and I’d never see you again. I’m sure the whole wanting you to have my kid comes from the fear of you being taken away, and I just haven’t allowed myself to believe you’re here. For real. To believe you’re mine and you’re not leaving.”

  Even though I smiled, the tears wouldn’t subside.

  He leaned down to kiss me, wincing the entire time. Even if I hadn’t seen the agony on his face, I would’ve known by his tight lips, the hitches in his breath, and the way his body trembled against mine.

  “Carter, let’s get you back in bed. You need to take a pill.”

  “No. They make me tired, and I don’t wanna sleep right now.”

  “Well, I’m here to make sure you’re being taken care of. And if you’re in pain, then I’m not doing my job.” I took his better hand and led him back to the bed. He fought me the entire way, but eventually, I got him situated beneath the covers and gave him more medicine. “Let me know when that starts to kick in and I’ll come back to make sure you don’t fall asleep.”

  He wagged his eyebrows at me as I exited the room.

  Susan was still in the kitchen, cleaning up the breakfast she’d made. I felt horrible she’d spent her time making food and then had to eat by herself. There were still some eggs and bacon left on the stove, which I put on two plates. When I came back from giving Carter his, I sat at the table with a glass of orange juice and called her over to sit with me.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I tried to hide my smile while I chewed, but it didn’t work. “Yes, ma’am. We seem to have a tendency to misunderstand each other. I don’t think we’re used to each other’s personalities yet. I feel like we’ve spent months assuming and not asking the right questions, or saying what we’re feeling, and now we’re playing catch-up.”

  “I’ve been there a time or two. Those Hastings boys sure know how to keep things in until everything comes out at once. They get tha
t vein in their neck that bulges when they yell. Yeah, his father was the same way. We got married so young, and we really didn’t know each other at all. It took a few nasty fights and one threat to move back to my parents’ house before we learned how to deal with it better.” The way she spoke of her late husband gave me hope. If they’d started off this way and ended up beyond happy, then we could, too.

  “How did you deal with things?”

  She focused on the coffee cup in her hand as she spoke. “I learned to speak up. David never did. If I didn’t say anything, nothing would’ve been brought up. So if I had something on my mind, I had to bring it to his attention; otherwise, it’d build and build until my hurt feelings became my breaking point and his irritation became a raging inferno.”

  “Sounds familiar.”

  “Carter is so much like his father. They both have this need to be men. You know? I remember the first comforter set I bought for our bed after we were married had these little, faint purple brush strokes on it. Oh, he threw it out and said he’d never sleep on anything with pink or purple. I thought it was absurd, but that’s just how David was.”

  “Carter refuses to let me drive. I thought he was about to have a coronary when I had to drive him home from the hospital.”

  Susan laughed and eyed me. “Why do you think I was here at the house instead? So you could deal with that.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  She placed her hand over mine, commanding my attention. “Carter doesn’t know how to put others first. His father was the same way. They shared this mentality that men are the breadwinners and must provide for their family. Which means long workdays and very little private time. One of the things I wish I could change if I had the chance would be making David spend more time with me and Carter. His life was taken too soon, and I never really had the chance to enjoy him the way I wanted to. After the fire, I’m sure you can relate to that. And I’m hoping he can, too.”

  Over the past few days, it seemed as though Carter had fallen into some sort of depression—like he felt lost or out of control. I’d caught him sitting on the couch, staring out through the sliding door at the beach, but refusing to go outside and get some sun. He claimed the heat left his skin feeling as if it were on fire.

  “Come on, I want to go for a walk with you.” I took his hand and led him toward the back patio. He tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let him. “Carter, it’s dark out, no sun to hurt you. Your mom is in bed, and I think it’d be good to get out of the house. Get some fresh air.”

  “I’m kinda tired, Kara.”

  He must’ve noticed the disappointment on my face, because he huffed and opened the door. Part of me was happy he conceded, but the other part felt let down, like he only agreed because he didn’t want to upset me. “We don’t have to, Carter. It’s okay.”

  He pinched my chin between his finger and thumb, forcing me to meet his stare. “Nah. Let’s go. I have to talk to you about something anyway.”

  I hesitated for a moment. “Good or bad?”

  “Good.” He cocked his head to the side and offered me his signature smirk. “Why would I take you down to the beach if I had something bad to tell you?”

  “I don’t know…so you can throw me into the water and get rid of me—Sopranos style.”

  He blinked at me for a moment before laughing. “If you could figure out how to put your imagination to good use, you could make a fortune,” he said and then pulled me behind him, down to the dark beach.

  Hand in hand, we walked until the weeds had taken over the sand, and then we turned back with the moon lighting our way. We talked about the gym and what his plans were after he was able to get back into it, and what my role would be. He once again mentioned the women’s fitness center. I hadn’t realized he was serious about it until he told me of his ideas for the space.

  “So you really want me to handle it?”

  “Of course.” He slowed when we made it back to the beach behind his house. “Why wouldn’t I want you to? I told you…I can’t give you a classroom full of kids, but I can give you something else. I was even thinking maybe it can have a daycare room. What do you think about that?”

  “It sounds like a really good idea.”

  He moved to stand directly in front of me and took my hands in his. “I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, Kara.”

  I gasped and opened my eyes wide. “Is this…? Are you…?”

  Carter was quiet for a moment, and then huffed out a chuckle. “A proposal? No. When I propose to you, you’ll know it.”

  “Then what are you saying?”

  “You wanna hear me spell it out for you so you won’t have to assume anything?” He took a step toward me and held the side of my face. “Okay. Here it goes. I don’t want you living anywhere but here…with me. Not fifteen miles away, or even down the street. I want you in my bed. Under my roof. By my side. Every. Damn. Day. For the rest of my life.” He brought his face to mine, and in a low yet demanding tone, he said, “In a couple o’ weeks, we’re gonna go get your stuff and bring it here…bring it home. You got that?”

  I nodded and swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

  “I know we’ve said and done a lot of things, had a lot of confusion and assumptions between us, but I don’t want you to misunderstand this.”

  I shook my head. “No, I get it.”

  “You do? You get how much I love you?”

  My mouth opened and closed, words failing me.

  “I fucking love you, Kara. I’m in love with you. And I don’t wanna spend another day away from you. I don’t wanna wake up another morning without you, or go to sleep another night without you wrapped in my arms.”

  “You…you love me?”

  His breathless chuckle broke through the sound of the waves crashing at our feet. “Yeah, babe. When I woke up in the hospital and saw you next to me, I knew then I loved you. I just had to wait until I knew you loved me, too.”

  I was silent for a moment, absorbing everything he said.

  “You can’t deny it, babe. You mumbled it in your sleep last night.”

  “I did?”

  He hummed against the corner of my mouth. “Yup. But you’re more than welcome to say it again.” With his arms around my waist, he backed me up until my feet were all the way in the surf. “If you don’t, I’ll just throw ya in the ocean…Sopranos style.”

  “Resorting to threats?”

  “Don’t underestimate me.” He continued to walk me backward until the waves crashed against the backs of my knees.

  “Okay! Okay. I love you.”

  “You’re in love with me,” he corrected.

  “Yes! I’m in love with you. Head over heels and all that jazz.”

  He tugged me to him and wrapped me in his arms. “All that jazz. You’re so romantic.”

  “Says the man who wants to impregnate me.”

  He smacked my ass while heading up the wooden path to his patio. “Oh, it’ll happen. Just not anytime soon. But you better believe I’m gonna knock you up, and you’re gonna feel every second of it for the entire nine months.”

  I captured his lips with mine seconds before he pinned me against the sliding glass door. “I love you, Carter. So damn much.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  I stood in the bathroom, rinsing off my toothbrush while Carter sat on the edge of the bed, flipping through the television stations. After rinsing my mouth, I said, “Oh, I meant to tell you, I spoke with your modeling agent today.” Carter had given his agent permission to discuss his contracts and business with me, in the event he wasn’t feeling well or was in one of his moods. “She actually came up with a really good idea.”

  “You say actually like she doesn’t often have those and it surprises you.” He didn’t take his eyes off the screen, but I could see the smirk on his face as he spoke. “What’s this surprisingly good idea she came up with?”

  I put my toothbrush next to Carter’s and clipped the front parts of my hair back before
walking to where he sat. I stood between his legs to force him to look at me. “She’s thinking of pitching an idea to Nike, but will shop around depending on what they say. It’d be you in track pants with tennis shoes, and the slogan will be ‘nothing stands in his way.’ Obviously, it’d be up to the designer, but I thought it was a genius starting point.”

  When he held my hips and pushed me back a step, my excitement vanished into thin air and was replaced with worry. “So you think it’s in my best interest to capitalize on my accident? You think I should be some poster child for burn patients? I have a better idea…put me up on a billboard with Smokey the Bear and I’ll tell kids how they can prevent forest fires.”

  “Carter, that’s not—”

  “Don’t stand there and tell me that’s not what you’re doing. Because it is. Let’s highlight my burns and see how much money we can make. That’s exactly what this campaign would be. Why not ask Jon? Huh? The explosion took half his face; that’s sexy enough, right? I hear it’ll be months before he’s outta the hospital, and then who knows how long he’ll be in rehab. I’m sure that’ll get all kinds of attention. Make big money. You should go ask him.”

  My initial reaction to his aggressive irritation was to walk away. To remove myself from the situation and give him time to calm down. But my heart told me to go to him. I held his hands, his smooth skin soft against my palms, and stepped between his legs again. As if on instinct, he held my hips, which allowed me to cup his face, and he visibly relaxed. The hair on his jaw wasn’t as smooth as before, but he was growing it back out, covering most of his lesser, first-degree burns along his cheek. The eyelashes had started to come back in on his left eye. They were short and made that eye appear larger than the right, but it didn’t bother me. Nor did his eyebrow, which had come back in thicker than before.