by Iris Gower
‘Why are you here?’ Bull sounded angry. ‘I am no longer responsible for you, Rhiannon. Please get that into your head.’
‘I know.’ She held up her hand. ‘It’s just that life up at the Big House is awful with the other servants picking on me.’
He stared at her for a long moment. ‘You’re usually very good at holding your own, Rhiannon, so don’t put on the helpless act now because I don’t believe it.’
‘I’m sorry, Bull, I don’t mean to put you out but please let me stay tonight. Tomorrow I’ll go to Mr Cookson and get my job there and you’ll be rid of me.’
‘How is it going to look, Rhiannon, you sleeping at my house and no one else here? I don’t want to start off my life as manager with any scandal hanging over me.’
‘I’ll get up early and go before it gets light, but I can’t walk alone in the darkness, Bull, it frightens me.’
‘I know.’ His voice was kinder. ‘All right, then, just for a few hours.’
‘Thank you, Bull, I knew you wouldn’t turn me away. You’re too good a man for that.’
‘You can take the back bedroom – and remember, no funny business. What we had together is over, finished. I’m going to marry Katie. I love her and I won’t do anything to hurt her.’
‘I understand, Bull. Just show me the room and I’ll be out of your sight.’
‘It’s up the stairs at the back of the landing. You can’t miss it.’ His tone was sharp. ‘And, Rhiannon, if you ever do this again I’ll turn you out into the night.’
‘I understand, Bull.’ Rhiannon went upstairs and into the back bedroom, leaving the door ajar. The room was not lit and no fire burned in the grate, but the bed looked comfortable and inviting and, suddenly, Rhiannon realized how tired she was.
She undressed and crawled under the blankets. It was a warm night but she was shivering.
The next day Rhiannon was up early and she had lit the fire and put the bacon on to fry before Bull got out of bed. He came down to the kitchen and, without a word, went through into the yard. She heard him wash at the pump, and when he returned to the kitchen, his hair was damp and his skin shone. She ached with love for him, a hopeless love that would never be returned.
They ate breakfast in silence, and when Bull pushed away his plate and got to his feet, he stood waiting for her to move. Reluctantly Rhiannon rose too, staring at him as if memorizing his every feature.
‘Go over to Mr Cookson’s house right away,’ Bull said. ‘He lives just round the corner in the large white house surrounded by railings. Say you’re out of work and ask is it possible for you to start at his house right away.’
‘All right, Bull,’ Rhiannon said, ‘but will you do me one last favour?’
‘What is it?’ Bull sounded suspicious.
‘Will you bring my bag round to me later. It’s so heavy – my arms are still aching from carrying it.’
Bull sighed. ‘Rhiannon, I hope you know that if you don’t start working for Cookson you’re on your own? I don’t want you coming back here.’
‘What about my things?’
‘I’ll leave the bag in the front garden and you can pick it up any time you like. I’m going to get my jacket now so I’ll see you out.’
He was determined to see her on her way and Rhiannon almost broke down in tears. He would not change his mind: he was too much in love with Katie Cullen even to think of anyone else.
He led the way into the hall and opened the front door. She glanced up at him in his clean shirt with the collar open revealing his neck. On an impulse she stood on tiptoe and kissed him. ‘Goodbye, Bull,’ she said softly, ‘and I mean it this time. I’ll not bother you again.’
She stepped out into the street and forced a smile. ‘Good luck to you and Katie,’ she said, and added under her breath, ‘you’re going to need it.’
She strode along the street, with her head high. She turned once to wave at Bull and he waved back. Neither of them noticed the small figure of Katie Cullen standing on the opposite side of the road, her hand pressed to her lips and tears rolling unchecked down her cheeks.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Llinos paused outside the door of the conservatory. She could hear Joe and Sion speaking softly. Sion was home for the holidays: he looked well and happy and she wondered what he and Joe found to talk about so seriously.
‘I know you’re not my real father,’ Sion’s voice wobbled a little, ‘but I love you very much, Papa, and I think you love me too.’
‘I do love you, Sion, and you are my son, as far as I’m concerned. Who told you I wasn’t your real father?’
‘No one told me, Papa, but I hear people talking. In any case, I can see the likeness between Mr Buchan and me. I’m not a stupid boy.’
Llinos resisted the urge to rush forward and comfort her child.
Then Joe spoke again. ‘You’re certainly not stupid, you’re an intelligent boy, and I’m proud of you. So is your mother. We both love you very much.’
‘Yes, Papa, but I’ve wondered if you love Lloyd better than me. He’s your real son, isn’t he?’
‘I am his father by nature, but I’m your father by choice, and one way is just as valuable as the other.’
Sion nodded thoughtfully. ‘I understand.’ Joe drew the boy into the circle of his arm.
‘I want to ask you something, Sion. If . . . when I have to go away, you’ll look after your mama for me, won’t you?’
‘Course I will. I’m a man now.’
‘But you’re not too old to get a kiss from your papa, are you, Sion?’ The boy hugged him, a smile illuminating his face. He looked so much like Dafydd in that moment and yet, strangely, it was as if something of Joe had rubbed off on him too.
Forcing back her tears Llinos went into the sunlit conservatory. ‘Good morning to you, gentlemen. I hope you both ate a hearty breakfast.’ She sat beside Joe on the scroll-backed sofa. ‘You were both up with the birds this morning, weren’t you? And what’s this about you going away, Joe?’
‘Men’s business. Nothing to interest you.’
Llinos kissed his cheek. ‘All right, I won’t pry – and, Joe, I’m so lucky to have a man like you.’ She saw Sion looking up at her as if for reassurance. ‘And such a wonderful son, too.’
‘Enough of all this sentiment,’ Joe said gruffly. ‘I know you’re on holiday from school, Sion, but you still have to do some work on your books, so off with you and get some studying done.’
When her son had gone Llinos leaned against Joe, her cheek against his collar. She could smell the fresh scent of grass and flowers and sunshine about her husband, and love for him flowed over her like a tide. ‘You’re so good to me, Joe,’ she whispered. ‘I love you so much that sometimes I think my heart will burst.’
He took her hand and smoothed her palm with his thumb. ‘These are our golden days, Llinos, and we must make the most of them.’ He stroked her cheek. ‘We might not have many of them. We must promise not to look back on our mistakes but to go forward, enjoying the time we have left with each other.’
She nodded, knowing she would cherish this moment for as long as she lived. And yet somehow his words brought a chill to her heart.
‘What do you mean, Joe, we might not have many days left?’
He smiled. ‘Well, we’re not getting any younger, are we?’
‘That’s true but I don’t need reminding of it, thank you.’ Joe was right, though, they must count their blessings now. So what if her elder son was living in America? He was a man and he must make his own choices in life. She hoped for his sake that he would be happy.
‘It’s strange cutting the ties, Joe,’ she said. ‘Letting go of our children seems to be the hardest thing to face.’
‘He will be happy,’ Joe said, reading her thoughts. ‘Lloyd is intelligent and sensitive, rather like his mother.’
‘I’ve not always been sensitive, though, have I?’
‘We’ve both made mistakes, indulged our own selfish needs, but
that’s all behind us.’
‘You’re right,’ Llinos said. ‘And I must tidy myself up, I’ve promised to meet Eynon in town. Would you like to come with me?’
He shook his head. ‘We don’t have to be together every moment to prove we love each other, do we?’
Llinos went into the hallway, then glanced back at her husband. Something about him was different: he looked the same but there was an aura about him that she couldn’t fathom, a sort of sadness that hung around him like a cloak. He was very pale too and there were lines around his eyes that she’d never seen before.
‘You are all right, aren’t you, Joe?’
‘Go on out and stop worrying about me!’
‘I’ll be off then.’ Llinos ran back to kiss Joe’s cheek. ‘I won’t be long.’ She stepped out into the fresh morning air, yet somehow she was reluctant to leave her husband alone. Still, she would be back before long, and then they could sit and talk for the rest of the day, and at night they would make love.
Joe sat in the conservatory for a long time, gazing out at the garden, admiring the way the sun brought the bed of roses into focus. Usually the dust from the potteries settled everywhere but today everything looked fresh-washed and clean.
It was quiet, with only the occasional chirping of birds to break the silence. Joe closed his eyes, determined to enjoy his respite from the world of reality. Eventually he moved back into the comparative dimness of the house. With Llinos out visiting, he must begin to put his affairs in order.
‘You’re looking well.’ Eynon pulled out a chair for her to sit at the small table. ‘What would you like to drink – strawberry cordial, perhaps?’
‘That would be lovely, Eynon. The heat makes me thirsty.’
He leaned forward and took her hand. ‘Are you content with your life, Llinos?’
‘You know I am,’ she said.
‘And Joe?’
‘Joe and I made a new start this morning. We’ve pledged to put our sordid past behind us and enjoy what Joe calls our golden years.’
‘Good idea.’ He fell silent, wondering if he would ever possess the flame that was Llinos Mainwaring.
‘You seem very quiet, Eynon.’ She smiled fondly at him, and Eynon forced a smile in response.
‘Just admiring the scenery.’ He looked directly at her. ‘Have I told you lately that you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met?’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘not in the last few minutes.’
‘What is it, Llinos? I can see you are worrying about something.’
‘I don’t know, I might be imagining it but Joe doesn’t seem quite himself. It’s nothing I can put my finger on but there’s an air of resignation about him that makes me uneasy. How do you think he looks?’
Eynon smiled. ‘Like a man who has everything he wants in life. Stop worrying about shadows, Llinos. Haven’t you learnt by now to take every day as a blessing?’
‘You’re right. Now, how’s Jayne?’ Llinos asked, changing the subject. ‘She was looking very well last time I saw her.’
‘She’s well enough, got her father’s flair for business, I’m proud to say.’
‘So her business affairs are flourishing?’
‘Yes indeed,’ Eynon said. ‘That girl has brains and beauty and she deserves a better man than Buchan.’
‘It’s my turn to tell you not to worry,’ Llinos said. ‘Jayne’s turning into a fine, independent woman and she’ll make her mark on the world, I’m sure. Has she secured any more shares in the Great Western Railway?’
Eynon shook his head. ‘No, but then Jayne already has enough to make her quite powerful. She will oppose any plans Buchan may have for a takeover and so will the other more powerful shareholders. I’ll keep Buchan out if I die in the attempt.’
‘No talking of death, please.’ Llinos smiled fondly at him. ‘It’s far too morbid a subject for a day like this.’
Eynon reached over and touched her hand. ‘Quite right. Come along now, drink your cordial – it’s time we took the air. Shall we walk along the promenade for a while?’
‘That sounds nice,’ Llinos said, obediently draining her glass.
‘Right then, the promenade it is,’ Eynon said. ‘And I can show everyone that I’ve got the most beautiful woman in the world on my arm.’
Outside in the sunshine, Eynon breathed in the fragrant smell of the sea and sighed. Right now he was the happiest man in all the world.
Llinos and Joe sat in the dining room side by side at the long table, but she noticed he was scarcely eating any of the roast beef and vegetables.
‘It was nice seeing Eynon this morning,’ she said. ‘He seemed in high spirits, praising Jayne to the skies as always.’
‘Eynon is a good man.’ Joe put down his fork. ‘Llinos, I don’t want to eat. I want to have an early night.’
‘I’ll come with you. I’m not hungry either.’ She looked at Joe worriedly: he was paler than usual and his hands were trembling.
‘Joe, are you sick?’ she asked, suddenly frightened. ‘Something’s wrong. Come on, Joe, talk to me.’ She got up from the table and put her arms around his shoulders, resting her cheek against his hair. ‘I know you’re not well. Have you seen a doctor?’
‘Come upstairs, my love.’ He pushed back his chair and took her in his arms. ‘I want to be with you, to seal our love the way we’ve always sealed it.’
She followed him up to their bedroom, and watched him as he undressed and climbed into bed, realizing suddenly how thin he had become. She joined him, and they made love. Afterwards, he kissed her gently, with none of the urgency of the young but with infinite depth of feeling.
Llinos held him close. ‘Joe, please tell me the truth. You’re very sick, aren’t you?’
He held her in his arms. ‘I have been seeing dreams as I did when I was young. Remember how I knew you before we’d even met? Now the Great Spirit is telling me I’ll have to start on my long journey soon. The only thing I’m sad about is that I have to leave you alone, my little firebird.’ He spoke softly and Llinos felt her heart begin to pound.
‘What do you mean?’ Llinos stammered.
‘The parting is coming sooner than I thought, but don’t mourn for too long. Just remember the happiness we’ve shared together.’
‘No, Joe! What are you saying? I can’t live without you!’
Joe propped himself up against the bed head. ‘You will live a long time without me, my love, but I’ll always be watching over you.’
‘Please, Joe, don’t talk like that,’ she said desperately. ‘We must get a doctor, the best in the world.’
‘No doctor can help me, my love.’ Joe kissed her cheek. ‘I did hope we’d have longer together but it’s not to be.’
‘What about Lloyd? We must fetch him home.’ Llinos was grasping at straws. ‘You can’t die without saying goodbye.’
‘Our son and I have said our goodbyes.’ He took her hand. ‘But it’s going to break my heart to say goodbye to you, my darling wife.’
‘No, Joe, please, you don’t have to die! Perhaps your dreams are wrong?’
‘Hush now. Life has taken its toll on me and now I’m ready to leave it.’
‘I can’t believe you’re ready to leave me,’ Llinos protested. ‘I know your kin in America have their own beliefs and their own way of leaving this world, but you mustn’t think you have to follow them.’
‘I know that, my love,’ he said, ‘and because of my upbringing I know there’s no use in fighting destiny.’ He drew her closer and she felt his warmth. ‘Come, let’s go to sleep together, my lovely firebird – and, Llinos, try to accept the inevitable as I do.’
She lay against the pillows, alone with her terrified thoughts. Joe couldn’t die: he was just worrying too much. In the morning she would send for the doctor, then everything would be all right.
The next few days were torture for Llinos. She brought in doctor after doctor but none of them could find anything wrong with Joe. And y
et he was fading away before her eyes.
She couldn’t sleep. Every night she lay curled close to him, feeling the safeness of him, knowing she couldn’t face life without him. It was the night before the Sabbath at about three in the morning when Llinos heard her husband sigh. She had kept the candles lit and now she drew one closer to her and looked down at Joe.
His eyes were open and he smiled, looking as young and handsome as the first time she’d set eyes on him.
‘I have to go now, my lovely.’
‘No, Joe, please, don’t leave me.’
‘My heart will stop beating but my soul will go on loving you, believe me, little firebird. Now, just hold me close.’
She held him, his head against her breast, and she willed him with all her strength to live. And then, quite suddenly, he was still. She looked down at him. His face was in repose as if he had gone to sleep, but she knew that his spirit had left his body. Her Joe was dead.
The funeral took place on a day filled with sunshine. Bright, cloudless skies made a mockery of the black-clad figures of the mourners. The hearse, drawn by two black horses, carried inside it the only man Llinos had truly loved.
She clung to the hand of her young son as Father Martin conducted the burial service. Standing by her were her only close friends, Eynon and his daughter Jayne. Few of the Swansea inhabitants had thought it necessary to turn out for the funeral of a foreigner. They had shunned Joe in life and intended to pay no respects to him now that he was dead.
Llinos thought she had cried all her tears but now, with Joe’s coffin being put into the ground, more came.
‘Ashes to ashes,’ Father Martin intoned, ‘dust to dust.’
Llinos bowed her head and prayed for comfort, but there was none. Her life might go on but it would be barren without her Joe.
Then the service was over and Llinos felt Eynon’s hand on her arm as he drew her away from the grave. Sion’s grasp on her hand tightened and Llinos made an effort to wipe away her tears.