“Lawyers belong to the Trial Lawyers Association. Its purpose is to fuck up the country forever by helping members pass laws and regulations and encouraging them to charge outrageous fees to suck the wealth out of the country. After law school, lawyers first spend time interning at the city zoo. They learn trial tactics watching monkeys throwing papers and banana skins in the air and screaming at each other. After interning they join their association. It’s a union of ambulance chasers, ghouls, leeches, and argumentative fuckups who give bad advice because lawyers rarely know what they’re talking about. They must have a secret pledge amongst themselves to never create wealth, just destroy it by dragging people into the legal process and not letting them out without first getting shaken down for their money or losing an arm or a leg. They have secret meetings with judges called case management conferences where lawyers and judges slime around plotting how to squeeze more money out of their suffering clients. In the good old days, real men settled things faster and cheaper with gunfights. That’s when the world made more sense, and it didn’t have many lawyers.
“Lawyers don’t want to go to court because no one knows the outcome and neither wants to lose. They know that arbitrators and judges fall asleep or go mentally absent during argument and evidence, so the guys who are supposed to decide just don’t pay attention. The judge or arbitrator who falls asleep during the proceedings is the smartest guy in the room. He knows it’s all bullshit, so why pay attention? A trial is a great time to let lawyers drone on and on and catch some sleep. Judges look at trials as nap time. You might as well throw the case into a washing machine and see what comes out. The entire system is completely useless.
“If you’re a plaintiff, no matter what you’re suing for, show up at trial or arbitration wearing a neck brace, even if nothing’s wrong with your neck. The judge or arbitrators are so dysfunctional they’ll just throw money at somebody if it looks like they should feel sorry for them. Even though the petitioner is suing for a bad trade, the arbitrators will throw money at him because they think it might help his neck. If you’re the defendant, show up at trial with a minority lawyer or a lawyer who wears a leg cast and crutches because the same principle applies. The arbitrators or judge will give you the decision because they’ll reason your lawyer is on a contingency and he needs the money. The best lawyer is one who is near death and they have to bring him to court on a gurney with oxygen and an IV drip. Those guys win cases. That’s what you look for in a lawyer. Forget competence. Get a guy who’s near death. Old lawyers are good too. They don’t like to waste time in court when they can be out on a golf course.
“Never tell a lawyer anything, not even your own lawyer. Whatever they learn about you they’ll use against you, even by giving your confidential information to an opposing lawyer so he can come at you with it and your guy can then charge you money to defend you against the other lawyer. The best thing you can do if you get sued is to grab all the money you can and leave the country. Buy a place in some foreign country somewhere in the middle of nowhere, like Wyoming, and hide your money in coffee cans buried in the ground. That way lawyers won’t get their filthy hands on your money and neither will the guy who is suing you. Lawyers work the court system to screw you. The only way to beat them is to flee the country. Otherwise, you can work all your life and some bastard will come along and steal your money from you. Your own lawyers will help them.”
“David, Wyoming is part of the United States.”
“Doesn’t matter. Wyoming might as well be another country all together. There’s only animals there and they don’t tell lawyers or government snoops anything. Animals can be trusted with secrets. People and lawyers can’t be trusted. Take my word for it. Get a place in Wyoming.”
Military Personnel
“Military personnel are different from regular people. There’s no longer a draft so they aren’t out there fighting Hitler anymore, and there aren’t people running away to Canada to get out of going to Vietnam anymore either. The military is all voluntary now. I read a book once that makes me believe our voluntary military is very dangerous to the country. It had to do with the Punic Wars when the Carthaginians were a world power and had all the lucrative trade routes in the ancient world. The Romans went to war with them over that, kind of like Russia and China are in a low-grade war with the United States today.
“It started with money or currency wars, and then it got into hot wars. Well, the Carthaginians were basically rich Jews who traded around the Mediterranean Sea. They had huge palaces and were fabulously rich. They even sent camels to the Arabian Peninsula loaded with silver and traded one ounce of silver for three ounces of gold. The world always runs on imperfect information, and the Arabs didn’t know the value of their gold, but they liked silver because it was shinier.
“Anyway, the Carthaginians hired private army mercenaries to defend their city against Rome. That plan worked as long as the Romans were easy to beat, but by the third Punic war, the Romans were winning. All the while these wars were going on, the mercenaries kept demanding that the Carthaginians pay them more and more to defend the city. Eventually, by the third war, the Carthaginians couldn’t pay enough and the mercenaries turned against the Carthaginians and slaughtered a lot of them along with the Romans slaughtering them. So the moral of the story is you can’t buy protection, just like you can’t buy love.
“So today in the United States we have the exact same Carthaginian situation, with the military being the mercenaries and the Russians and the Chinese and the Muslim extremists taking over the world from us. We’re all going to get slaughtered, some by our own military, some by the Russians, some by the Chinese, and some by the Salafists Fundamentalists. We’re a lot like those Carthaginians. We’re complacent, decadent, stupid, and rich, and we’re about to get taken down.”
“You told me about the Carthaginians before.”
“Well, they had three Punic Wars, didn’t they?”
“Yes.”
“Well then, maybe I’ll tell you about it a third time someday. Don’t be disrespectful.”
“Okay, sorry.”
“Now, where was I? Oh yes. When it comes to the individual military person, you need to recognize that they are willing to risk dying for the security of a paycheck. Most people aren’t wired that way. Most people fear being killed and want to put as much distance between the risk of getting killed and themselves as possible, so you have a different sort of animal here, one you shouldn’t antagonize.
“Veterans are patriotic. They want to live in a strong America. When they see some globalist give America away to the rest of the world while they can’t get benefits for getting their limbs blown off or being poisoned with Agent Orange, they get pissed off. What can happen is, like in Carthage, the active military and the veterans could look at the situation and decide they need to change it to save the country, so stay on the good side of the veterans you meet. Treat them with respect and deference always, and respect the experiences they have had. Many of them have seen horrors that other Americans cannot comprehend, like the working end of a Chinese AK-47 automatic rifle or a Russian 152mm long rifle.
“Females are a separate veteran category. When I was growing up we didn’t have many women in the service, but all that has changed. Maybe they’re patriotic just like the men are, but I have a hard time with that because they don’t have any testosterone that makes them get all fired up to want to go out and kill people. Still, they have some level of training that teaches them how to kill you. They’re probably kind of like black widow spiders that kill males and eat them, so be careful when you run into one of them. That’s all the wisdom I can give you about the military, the veterans, and the women in the military. As you know, I broke my arm to get out of a military boarding school.”
Insurance
“Insurance is not complicated. The companies that manufacture insurance products make sure, with all their legal fine print, that the insurance contract you enter into gives you the lowes
t possible odds of ever collecting anything. Essentially, insurance products are the mirror opposite of investments. In investments, you put money in and hope it grows. In insurance, you put money in and hope you die or get sick so the money doesn’t have to grow to get you paid. The insurance company business model is to take in the money up front, then buy a fancy headquarters building and hire a lot of really sexy broads so the top guys have lots of pussy around at all times, and also buy fancy homes and cars for the top executives and give them huge compensation plans. If it’s a stock company, the shareholders also expect a dividend.
“The other part of the insurance business model is the part where you need to pay out claims. To be a successful insurance company, your business model must be to never pay out claims for anything. Hire lawyers to fight like hell to avoid paying claims. If somebody is horribly disfigured and covered by your policy, don’t feel sorry for them. Fight them tooth and nail. Fight them until they die. Change judges, change courts, change lawyers, do anything but never, ever pay the victim. You make sure your contracts are ironclad and impossible to collect on. You put in clauses that block the claimant from winning a dime off you. For instance, if it’s a life policy, you put in that if the claimant has ever been anywhere within ten miles of a dog, he can’t collect because he could have caught a disease from the dog, or that he can’t go skiing, bicycling, to a movie with air conditioning, or to a restaurant that doesn’t have a complete shutdown and cleaning every hour. You stick morality clauses in there too. If the claimant has ever smoked a cigarette, banged a bimbo, drank two shots of whiskey in the same twenty-four hours, driven over the speed limit, gone off on a hike in the forest, or eaten more than two cookies in a day, then he violated the contract.
“When the poor bastard’s widow tries to collect, you find out who his friends were and bribe them to say he did something he wasn’t supposed to do. Then you bleed her money down with protracted litigation until she needs to settle cheap. Now, if she won’t settle cheaply, you work on driving her nuts, like having some of your office staff calling her day and night with solicitations to all kinds of stupid stuff, like raffle tickets, vacation home time share deals, cruise trips, groups and churches she could join, memorial tomb stones she could buy for her stiff, free rides in hot sports cars even though she’s eighty-five. You get the idea. Make her want to take a small amount of money so she can leave town and get away from her phone.
“If you get into the insurance business, make a good business relationship with a sleazy insurance company that operates in a state with loose regulations. Sell annuities. Show that you have a high rating from the rating agencies when you sell your policies. When you have a bunch of policies on your books, keep collecting the premiums as if the policies had a great company behind them, but in your policies you have a clause that lets you resell the policy and the underlying guarantees to pay out money. Sell your book of business to a sleaze company that may fail in the future, but keep the premium and pay the sleaze company only a portion of it. You make all the money for selling the policy but take none of the risk of paying on it.
“I saw a magazine article once where a company did that and the sleaze company that bought the policies failed. It had sob stories about old people and disabled people who had no money, and it railed about how badly they got screwed. It made me think we should be in that business too. There’s big money in it, and the people getting screwed don’t even know it until they desperately need money. It’s not like the investment business where you need to mark the values of your holdings to the market every day so people can see right away that their values are up or down. Also, insurance is not regulated by the Securities and Exchange Commission or by Financial Regulatory Authority, so regulations are made by the different state insurance commissioners. It’s hard for them to catch a shady operator.
“When people buy insurance, they should have a sit-down meeting with the top executives of the insurance companies, but that doesn’t happen. It’s like mutual funds, where people never meet their portfolio managers either. People can only hope that the agent with the big smile and the nice haircut isn’t out to screw them. Actually, he might not be out to screw them personally, but they can get screwed by the contract clauses or by their policy getting sold away, or by their company’s financial condition collapsing years after they’ve bought the policy.
“In the health area, we could screw people with huge premium increases. To get a book of business built, all we need to do is lowball the other carriers until we have our client base. Then we raise our premiums until we start losing business. Companies got smart about this and began making employees pay for part or all of their health care. Most people are too lazy or otherwise engaged to keep up with all the changes and the different coverages offered under the different policies, so they just stay with the policy they have. We could raise premiums until people can’t afford coverage. Then we could have a plan that lets them pay partial payments until they catch up with what they owe, but if they get sick before they are fully caught up, we could screw them and not pay any benefits. That’s a great concept. We should consider insurance as a business line for the firm.”
Guns
“Guns are essential to the American way of life. God gave the Ten Commandments to Moses, and then he gave identical copies to Charlton Heston, John Wayne, Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood, and Oliver North. In those commandments, the second one is the big one that the government bastards are most afraid of. The Second Amendment to the Ten Commandments is the right to have a gun. The reason God got that in there is in case the Egyptians try to get back here and take over America again. It’s not theirs anymore, so they can’t have it. When they try to get smart with us Americans, it’s our God-given right to blow those fuckers away.
“Gun companies are missing a terrific opportunity to make a fortune on the Second Commandment law. Take Samuel Colt, for instance. Sam made a fortune selling Colt .45 pistols to men who had small man complexes during the frontier days. He came up with a slogan that appealed to little guys who were getting beaten up and bullied by big guys. He said, ‘My Colt .45 makes every man the same size.’ Oil companies expanded on this marketing idea, only they call it segment marketing. Oil companies take the same liquid and put it into different containers and mark up the price. They call it motor oil, transmission oil, brake fluid, windshield washer fluid, and hand sanitizer, but it’s all the same stuff sold in different cans.
“Gun companies should combine the genius of Sam Colt and the genius of the oil companies and do serious marketing. They already sell .45 caliber pistols and 9mm pistols, but they need to brand them better. They can have guns with Hebrew on them for Jews, guns with Arabic on them for Salafists, guns with Spanish for Hispanics, and so on. They could sell every woman, regardless of religion, ethnic background, or language, half a dozen guns for their whole family. On weekends, everybody in America could go out in their backyards and shoot their guns off. Americans could organize neighborhood games. Instead of playing cowboys and Indians using little cap pistols like we did when I was a kid, American kids could all use real guns. That way the country would be a lot safer because everybody would become a great shot. When the Egyptians or the Chinese try to take us over, we’ll be ready.”
Environmentalists
“Environmentalists are people who don’t know what an ice cube is. All they do is crab and bitch about how tough life is for polar bears. They go around to grade schools with slide shows of these polar bears floating around on ice bergs and they scare the shit out of little kids telling them the polar bear will drown when the ice berg melts. So, here you have a nation with five hundred million brain washed third graders who are losing sleep because some huckster showed them a half-baked movie of a polar bear floating on an ice cube; and never mind that the damn things can swim all the way across the Pacific Ocean when they work it right.
“The environmental movement is a scam to foist another tax on a bankrupt American public. The sc
ammers want to start a carbon exchange trading marketplace run by their company. Their company rakes off a commission on all the trades. It’s not a competitive exchange, so the scammers get fat commissions with the government’s blessings. Billions of bucks are in this scam. The polar bears don’t get the money. What would a polar bear do with a wad of hundreds or a credit card, anyway? The public and the government don’t get the commission money from the trades either. The money goes to politicians that get stock in the carbon trading exchange. They will pass laws that make their theft legal. Environmental stuff is a con job. It’s shameful to make third grade kids think polar bears are suffering. Voters gladly bend over and let the scammers screw them without getting the facts. Governments of China and India don’t give a shit about a few polar bears, and those two countries are 99.99% of carbon emissions. Check out the facts. I always get my facts right.
“There’s a common-sense solution for polar bears. Since there’s a million times more ice on the South Pole than there is on the North Pole, and since ice on the South Pole gets bigger by eighty billion tons of new ice every year, why not just move the polar bears to the South Pole? Has anybody ever thought of that? No! Of course not! It’s too simple and there’s no money in it.
“If the environmentalists really gave a shit about polar bears they would move them to the South Pole. Look at all the ice they would have! Plus, they’d get a bonus. The polar bears would get variety in their diets. All the bears eat are seals and dead whales. If they were relocated to the South Pole, they could also eat penguins. The South Pole is overrun with penguins. The damn things are an environmental hazard because they shit all over the place and they are noisy. It’s time to send in the polar bears to clean up the place. We’d get healthier bears. Everybody knows a balanced diet is good for you, so seals and dead whales plus penguins equals healthier bears. When you put your mind to it, there’s a common-sense solution for everything.”
When The Butterflies Come Page 15