by Chloe Walsh
I felt too guilty …
Brushing past me, Cade stepped into the hallway and immediately took my hand in his. “Kenz?” he asked in a worried tone, brushing his thumb over the skin of my knuckles. “Why are you not smiling? It’s Christmas!”
Pressing my index finger to my lips, I turned and rushed up the stairs, dragging Cade along behind me. When I reached my bedroom, I pulled Cade inside and quickly shut and locked my door.
“Okay,” he chuckled, as he sauntered over to my bed and made himself comfortable. “Is this the part where you give me my Christmas gift?”
Folding his arms behind his head, Cade let out a contented sigh. “Because I’m liking the setting, baby girl.”
“Cade, be serious,” I squeaked, rushing over to where he was laying. Climbing onto my bed, I threw myself on top of his body and clenched my eyes shut. “I’ve done something bad – like really awful …”
“That’s doubtful,” he snorted, wrapping his arms around me.
“You’ve got too much good in you to even be capable of doing something remotely bad, Mackenzie Moore,” he added, after a pause.
“Oh, yeah,” I muttered in a petulant tone. “Well I have done something bad and you’re going to hate me for it.”
“All right.” Shifting me off his chest so that I was straddling his lap, Cade sat up and stared straight into my eyes. “Lay it on me.”
Biting down on my lip, I studied his beautiful blue eyes for a long moment before stretching forward, slipping my hand under my pillow and pulling out the pink envelope. “I stole it from your mailbox,” I admitted, mortified before thrusting it into his hand and burying my face in my hands.
Cade was quiet for a moment before finally asking, “Did you read it?”
I nodded my head in shame. “Yes – but only because I knew it was from Emily.” Groaning in mortification, I peeked up at him. “She likes you – like really likes you, Cade,” I whispered. “I heard her talking to some girls in the bathroom … she was going to ask you out in a letter and I …”
I didn’t have a chance to finish my sentence because Cade’s lips covered mine and all thoughts of Emily McAllister faded from my mind.
His lips were soft, yet firm, and incredibly addictive.
I want this, I thought to myself as I kissed him back eagerly.
Just as I leaned forward to kiss him harder, Cade pulled back and smiled at me. Then he lifted Emily’s letter and ripped it in half.
“You’re the only girl for me, Mackenzie Moore,” he told me softly.
My heart hammered in my chest. “I am?”
“Yeah,” Cade chuckled, before ruffling my hair with his hand. “Merry Christmas.”
****
Summer 2002
Age 15
Mackenzie
May 25th, 2002
“Kenzie?”
Cade called my name from outside of my bedroom door and I stiffened. “What’s taking so long?” he asked, as he rapped his knuckles against the back of my bedroom door. “It’s a swimsuit – not a damn wedding dress.”
Cade and I both turned fifteen during the week and to celebrate our birthdays we had decided on going camping down at the creek.
I was supposed to be ready over an hour ago, but the freaking butterflies in my tummy wouldn’t stop fluttering around, so I spent the time I was supposed to be using to get ready, standing in front of my full-length mirror worrying. Worrying about how I didn’t quite fill the red-bikini I was wearing and the fact that I was going to be sleeping in a tent with Cade.
Alone.
Together.
It had never mattered before – we had camped together dozens of times – but since the beginning of the summer I had been having physical urges towards the boy next door. I had loved Cade since forever, but my feelings were deepening. And I’d been noticing things that before that lone kiss on Christmas Day, I had never noticed or cared to look at.
Like the freckles on the top of Cade’s shoulders, and the way my body tingled when he said my name, or the small trail of dark hair on his stomach that ran from his belly button to way underneath his swimming shorts.
He was big now too – broad, tall and rippled with muscles like a football player. A lot bigger than me, and the way he looked at me sometimes made me feel like I’d been set on fire.
That was the only way I could explain the way Cade made me feel now. It was crazy really, considering we had lived next door to each other and been in each other’s lives for five years, but something inside of me had decided to come to life and now every time I was near Cade Mathews my pulse raced and my breath quickened.
I couldn’t tell any of my friends because they would laugh and tease me. I knew most of them already had crushes on Cade. I couldn’t ask my Mom because I didn’t have her current email address and I definitely couldn’t tell my Dad about what was happening to me because he would freak out.
Dad loved Cade, he thought of Cade as the son he never had, but I doubted Dad would let us hang out so much if he knew just how badly his little girl was lusting after him.
My bedroom door swung suddenly inwards, and I yelped in surprise, before stepping back from the door. My heart stopped in my chest, then kick-started to life again, fluttering like crazy as I stared at my best friend.
“I thought you weren’t in here,” Cade husked, as his eyes travel over my body. His cheeks pinked. “When you didn’t answer me …”
“I was just getting dressed.” My body ignited in a hot flush of heat. “Almost ready,” I managed to say before grabbing the pair of black linen shorts off my bed and stepping into them.
Draping my hair down one side of my neck in an attempt to distract myself from ogling Cade’s bare chest, I began to braid my long, blonde hair. “Do you have everything we need?”
Cade nodded his head slowly, eyes still locked on my scantily-covered chest. “Yeah, Kenzie, I went down to the creek earlier and dropped everything off ...”
This was exactly why I was nervous. Things were changing between me and Cade and I thought he felt it too. But I wasn’t scared nervous; no, I was excited nervous. “I’m ready when you are.”
Shaking his head, Cade took my hand in his and led me down my father’s narrow staircase towards the front door.
When we reached the front lawn of my house, the excitement building inside of me threatened to boil over. “This is going to be awesome, baby girl,” Cade told me, trailing his thumb over my knuckles.
“I know.” We had been looking forward to this camping trip since the beginning of summer. This was the first year we’d been allowed to go without parental supervision. It was because of the divorce.
Cade’s dad, Darren Mathews, moved out of their home in April. His parents were going through a messy divorce. I figured Cade’s mother, Sharon, wanted Cade to get out and about and out of the crappy atmosphere in their home right now. Well, that’s what my Dad told me yesterday when he sat me down to discuss the trip and safety procedures.
I was sad about Sharon and Darren breaking up, but my sadness paled in comparison to how Cade was feeling. Cade loved his dad and it hurt him something fierce when he moved out of their house.
At least Cade knew I understood what he was going through because he saw first-hand what happened when my mom left town last year with Emily McAllister’s father.
It was sickeningly hot as Cade and I stepped outside into the Alabama sunshine – even though it was well after three in the afternoon. I was glad I had smeared my body with sun cream before Cade came by. The heat of the sun combined with the slight breeze picking up was a guaranteed body burner.
Grabbing his BMX from where it was sprawled on the grass, Cade threw one of his long legs over the crossbar. He looked my direction and winked. “Your chariot awaits, mi‘lady.”
I placed my hands on Cade’s bare shoulders and hoisted myself onto the saddle of his bike before wrapping my arms around his stomach. “You’re such a douche,” I chuckled.
�
��To friendship,” Cade announced with a wide grin, before taking off, pedaling fast and hard.
“To us,” I added with a smile, as I pressed my cheek against the warm skin of his back. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the breeze as it brushed against my face.
Cade reached down to where my hands were clasped together on his stomach and covered my hands with one of his. “To a weekend of adventure and revelations …”
****
Cade
Lying on the dirt-encrusted ground in the middle of nowhere, with the sound of water trickling into the creek and Mackenzie Moore’s hand wrapped around mine, was the sweetest form of torture.
Mackenzie had been my best friend for five years, but it wasn’t enough for me anymore. The truth was it hadn’t been enough for me since I was twelve years old and realized that my heart beat differently when I was around her.
“Are you nervous about starting school?” I heard her whisper in the darkness, and I knew that she was.
We were starting Freshman Year of high school in a couple of months and I could tell by the way Kenzie’s voice trembled and her breathing quickened that she was overthinking it.
“No. Are you?”
“A little,” she admitted in a quiet tone. The small fire I had lit earlier illuminated Mackenzie’s face in the darkness and I swear I’d never seen her look so beautiful,
“I’ll be with you, Kenz,” I whispered. “Every step of the way. Just like always.”
“I hope we’re in all the same classes.” She twisted onto her side and draped one long, slender leg over my thighs. “We can sit together at lunch and when you get your driving license we can ride together in your car.”
“It’s going to be fine, Kenz,” I chuckled, wrapping an arm around her thin body as she snuggled close to me. “I’ve got your back.”
Her lips pressed against the skin of my neck and I had to force my body not to stiffen. Swathed in Mackenzie Moore, I had to recite the alphabet to stop myself from thinking about what I wanted to think about.
It was getting a lot harder to deal with Kenzie being this close – now that she had breasts and curves and wore perfume that made me want to trail my tongue over the skin covering her beating pulse …
“And I’ve got yours,” she purred in my ear, causing the hairs on my neck to stand. “I overheard something today …”
The way she said this had me twisting onto my side to face her.
“What did you overhear, baby girl?”
She looked at me with those huge, green eyes and my heart started racing.
I needed to make Kenzie mine before we started high school.
She was so goddamn pretty and sweet and perfect for me.
“I heard Emily McAllister is going to ask you out after your soccer game on Monday.”
“Really?” I muttered in a flat tone, before rolling onto my back. I already knew that, but what Mackenzie didn’t realize was Emily had already asked me out three fucking times.
Emily was cute, beautiful even, but she didn’t hold a flame to the fire Mackenzie ignited inside of me. Besides, I would never go there with Emily. There had been way too much drama last year involving her dad and Kenzie’s mom. No, that girl would forever stay on the ‘friend bench’.
“Are you going to say yes to her?” Kenzie asked, leaning over my body. Her chin was resting on my chest and her voice sounded more curious than concerned.
“No, Kenz, I’m not going to say yes to her,” I grumbled. I wanted Kenzie to be concerned or at the very least jealous. When Ian Keller asked Kenzie out three months ago, I had ended up breaking his nose on purpose during a basketball game.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t like Emily that way, Kenzie, damn it!”
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Okay,” I repeated slowly, not daring to get my hopes up.
“I don’t want to share you with any other girl, Cade. “ She nuzzled her face in my neck. “I want you all to myself.”
“I’ll always be only yours,” I croaked.
“I love you, Cade,” she said, and my body shivered involuntarily.
“Love you too, Kenz.”
I loved that girl.
I knew I was only fifteen, but hell on fire did I love that damn girl!
One of these days I was going to get up the courage and tell her how I feel.
One of these days I was going to make Mackenzie Moore mine.
****
Mackenzie
“What do you see when you look at the sky?” I asked Cade, as we lay side-by-side on the ground.
I knew I was talking nonsense right now, but I was so damn frustrated, I feared I would scream if I didn’t say something to distract myself.
“What, like stars?” Cade asked, and I shook my head.
“No, not the stars …” I whispered, before letting out a heavy sigh. “Cade, sometimes I wish I could jump into the sky and float away.”
He rolled onto his side and stared at me with his brow creased. His blue eyes were full of concern. “You can’t do that, Kenz.”
“I know that,” I grumbled, rolling onto my back so I didn’t have to look at his face. “Stupid gravity keeps me on the ground.”
“No, Kenz,” Cade whispered, shifting closer to me. Leaning above me, he cupped my chin with his hand. “It’s not gravity,” he croaked, stroking my nose with his. “It’s me. You’re going nowhere without me.”
“Why?” His mouth was so close to mine I could barely breathe.
“Because you’re my best friend,” he husked and his breath fanned my face. “High school starts in a few months. Do you honestly think I’m going to walk through those doors without you?” He shook his head and rubbed my chin with his thumb. “No. You’re staying with me. The stars will have to wait. I need you on the ground with me.”
“The stars will have to wait … I need you on the ground with me …”
I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t fight my feelings for Cade. I refused to …
Sliding my hand around Cade’s neck, I lifted my head and pressed my mouth to his.
Cade’s whole body stiffened above me. His eyes were wide open and locked on mine. His lips were frozen against my lips and I had no idea of what to do …
“What are you doing, Kenzie?” Cade asked, never taking his lips off mine.
“I’m kissing you, Cade,” I breathed. “I’ve only done this once before and I’m praying that I’m not doing it wrong.”
Cade’s blue eyes burned into mine for a long moment – long enough for the doubt to creep into my mind and the embarrassment to flame in my cheeks. I had only kissed a boy before – Cade – and the knowledge was causing the butterflies in my belly to multiply.
I began to pull away, mortified, but Cade held my face still with his hand.
He looked at me once more and then he was kissing me back.
Cade’s lips were warm, plush and deceptively soft against mine. I needed more of him.
We kissed hungrily – franticly.
Cade knotted his fingers in my hair and pressed his weight down on me. He nudged his knee against my legs and I separated them – spreading them open – giving Cade access.
He rubbed the lower half of his body against mine. His hand moved to my waist. He clutched my hip gently and I could feel the tremor in his hands.
The feelings floating through my body were entirely too much and when Cade slipped his tongue into my mouth, I lost touch with reality – with all common sense.
I couldn’t think straight. I could only feel. And right now all I wanted is to feel Cade, all of him, everywhere …
My hands roamed under Cade’s shirt completely of their own accord, touching his hot skin, feeling the ridged grooves I had spent the past year watching him develop. My hands dropped to the waistband of Cade’s sweatpants and he let out a breathless groan.
“I haven’t done this before, Kenzie,” Cade admitted in a gruff tone, before burying his face in my
neck. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Neither have I,” I moaned, gasping loudly as Cade nipped my neck with his teeth. “But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do everything I haven’t done with you …”
The sound of a mobile phone ringing filled my ears, interrupting my train of thought, and bringing both of us to a halt.
Raising his head, Cade sighed heavily before lifting himself off me. I lay completely still, unable to move a muscle, as my brain registered what the heck had just happened between us.
Cupping my face with my hands, I willed myself to calm down and breathe. It was just a kiss. Just a heart-stopping, life-changing, soul-searing kiss that I would never get over for the remainder of my life, after-life and whatever the heck came after.
“Damn,” I heard Cade curse from somewhere behind my head and I sat up quickly. “Shit, Kenz, it’s your dad – oh, hey, Mr. Moore. Yeah, it’s me, Cade.” His eyes were locked on my face as he spoke into the phone. “What – I can’t understand what you’re saying…Yeah, Mackenzie’s right here.” His voice was thick and husky and his lips were swollen from dueling with mine. “Sir, you’re breaking up – I can’t understand you – hang on a sec …”
Cade ran a hand through his thick, dark hair and, holding his phone against his chest, he whispered “It’s your dad. He wants a word with you.”
Pulling myself to my feet, I took the phone from Cade’s extended hand and moved towards the woods for some privacy, but, before I got more than three feet away from him, Cade grabbed the back of my shirt. “Don’t regret me,” he murmured against the back of my neck. “Because I won’t ever regret you.”
I nodded my head slowly, biting down hard on my lip and Cade released me.
“Hey, is everything okay?” I said, the minute I was out of earshot. My voice sounded thick and my face was burning as I walked past a couple of trees and stepped further into the woods. It was pitch black out, but I was good with the darkness. It had never bothered me much.