She pushed open the wooden door, sending feathers flying as the birds squawked and scattered. Something about a chicken coop reminded me of a batch of ladies gossiping at a hairdresser’s salon, and I smiled as a high-strung hen flapped around my heels. Heading to the roost on the right, I began to search the beds for eggs.
“No,” Sarah instructed as I upended a russet-colored hen. “She’s still gut.” I watched her tuck a molting chicken beneath her arm like a football and press her fingers between the bones that protruded from its bottom. “Ah, here’s one that stopped laying,” she said, holding it out to me by the feet. “Let me just grab another.”
The chicken was twisting like Houdini, intent on escaping. Completely baffled, I fisted my hand more tightly around its nubby legs as Sarah found another bird. She headed for the door of the coop, shooing hens. “What about their eggs?” I asked.
Sarah looked back over her shoulder. “They’re not giving ’em anymore. That’s why we’ll be having them for dinner.”
I stopped in my tracks, looked down at the hen, and nearly let her go. “Come along,” Sarah said, disappearing behind the coop.
There was a chopping block, an ax, and a steaming pail of hot water waiting. With grace Sarah lifted the ax, swung the bird onto the block and cut off its head. As she released its legs, the decapitated chicken somersaulted and danced a jitterbug in a pool of its own blood. With horror I watched Sarah reach for the chicken I was holding; I felt her pull it from my grip just before I fell to my knees and threw up.
After a moment Sarah’s hand smoothed back my hair. “Ach, Ellie,” she said, “I thought you knew.”
I shook my head, which made me feel sick again. “I wouldn’t have come.”
“Katie don’t have the stomach for it either,” Sarah admitted. “I asked you because it’s so much easier than going back in there again after doing the first one.” She patted my arm; on the back of her wrist was a smear of blood. I closed my eyes.
I could hear Sarah moving behind me, dipping the limp bodies of the chickens into hot water. “The dumpling stew,” I said hesitantly. “The noodle soup . . . ?”
“Of course,” Sarah answered. “Where did you think chickens came from?”
“Frank Perdue.”
“He does it the same way, believe me.”
I cradled my head in my hands, refusing to think about all the brisket and the hamburger meat we’d eaten, and of the little bull calves I’d seen born in the months I’d been on the farm. People only see what they want to see-look at Sarah turning a blind eye to Katie’s pregnancy, or a jury hanging an acquittal on the testimony of a certain sympathetic witness, or even my own reluctance to admit that the connection between Coop and me went beyond the physical fact of creating a baby.
I glanced up to see Sarah stripping the feathers off one of the birds, her mouth set in a tight line. There were tufts of white fluff on her apron and skirt; a trail of red blood soaked into the hard-packed dirt before her. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat. “How do you do it?”
“I do what I have to do,” she said matter-of-factly. “You of all people should understand.”
I was hiding in the milk room when Coop found me that afternoon. “El, you’re not gonna believe this-” His eyes widened as he saw me, and he sprinted to my side, running his hands up and down my arms. “How did this happen?”
He knew; God, all he’d had to do was look at me, and he knew about the baby. I swallowed and met his gaze. “Pretty much the usual way, I guess.”
Coop’s hand slid from my shoulder to my waist, and I waited for him to move lower still. But instead, his fingers plucked at my T-shirt, rubbing at the bright red streak that stained it. “When was your last tetanus shot?”
He wasn’t talking about the baby. He wasn’t talking about the baby.
“Well, of course I am,” Coop said, making me realize I’d spoken aloud. “But for God’s sake, the stupid trial can wait. We’ll get you stitched up first.”
I pushed Coop’s hands away. “I’m fine. This blood’s not mine.”
Coop raised a brow. “Have you been committing homicide again?”
“Very funny. I was helping kill chickens.”
“I’d save the pagan rituals until after you’ve presented your defense, but then-”
“Tell me about him, Coop,” I said firmly.
“He wants answers. After all, the man jumped on a plane the day after finding out he was a father-but he wants to see Katie and the baby.”
My jaw dropped. “You didn’t tell him-”
“No, I didn’t. I’m a psychiatrist, Ellie. I’m not about to cause someone undue mental anguish unless I’m there, face to face, to help him deal with it.”
As Coop turned away, I put my hand on his shoulder. “I would have done the same thing. Except my motive wouldn’t have been kindness, but selfishness. I want him to testify, and if that works to get him here, so be it.”
“This isn’t going to be easy for him,” Coop murmured.
“It was no picnic for Katie, either.” I straightened. “Has he seen Jacob yet?”
“He just got off the plane. I picked him up in Philly.”
“So where is he now?”
“In the car, waiting.”
“In the car?” I sputtered. “Here? Are you crazy?”
Coop grinned. “I think I can tell you with some authority that I’m not.”
In no mood for his jokes, I was already walking through the barn. “We’ve got to get him out of here, fast.”
Coop fell into step beside me. “You may want to change first,” he said. “Just a suggestion-but right now you look like you’ve stepped out of a Kevin Williamson film, and you know how important first impressions are.”
His words barely registered. I was too busy considering how many times that day I would be called upon to tell a man the one thing he least expected to hear.
• • •
“Why is she in trouble?” Adam Sinclair asked, leaning across the table at the diner. “Is it because she wasn’t married when she had the baby? God, if she’d just written to me, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“She couldn’t write to you,” I said gently. “Jacob never forwarded your letters.”
“He didn’t? That bastard-”
“-was doing what he thought was in the best interest of his sister,” I said. “He didn’t think she could bear the stigma of having to leave her faith, and that’s what marrying you would have entailed.”
Adam pushed away his plate. “Look. I appreciate you getting in touch with me and letting me know that Katie’s in some kind of trouble. I appreciate the ride from the airport out here to East Paradise. I even appreciate the free lunch. But I’m sure that by now, Katie’s back home with the baby, and I really need to go speak to her directly.”
I watched his hands play over the table and imagined them touching Katie, holding Katie. And with a great and sudden rage I hated this man whom I hardly knew, for unwittingly bringing Katie to this point. Who was he, to decide that his affection for Katie overruled everything she’d been brought up to believe? Who was he, to lead an eighteen-year-old girl down a path of seduction when he clearly knew better?
Something must have shown on my face, because beneath the table, Coop pressed his hand against my thigh in gentle warning. I blinked, and Adam came into clear focus: his bright eyes, his tapping foot, his sideways glance at every jingle of the bell over the door, as if he expected Katie and his son to come strolling in any minute.
“Adam,” I said, “the baby didn’t survive.”
He froze. With precision he folded his hands on the table, fingers gripped so tight the tips turned bloodlessly white. “What . . . ” he said softly, his voice breaking in the middle of the word. “What happened?”
“We don’t know. He was born prematurely and died shortly after delivery.”
Adam’s head sagged. “For the past three days, since you called, all I’ve been thinking of is that ba
by. Whether it’s got her eyes, or my chin. Whether I’d know him in an instant. Jesus. If I’d been here, maybe I could have done something.”
I looked at Coop. “We didn’t think it was right to tell you over the phone.”
“No. No, of course not.” Adam looked up, quickly wiping his eyes. “Katie must be devastated.”
“She is,” Coop said.
“Is that what you meant when you said she’s in trouble? Did you need me to come because she’s depressed?”
“We need you to stand up for her in court,” I said quietly. “Katie’s been charged with murdering the baby.”
He reeled back. “She didn’t.”
“No, I don’t think so either.”
Pushing to his feet, Adam threw down his napkin. “I have to see her. Now.”
“I’d rather you wait.” I stood in front of him, blocking his exit.
Adam loomed over me. “Do you think I give a flying fuck what you want?”
“Katie doesn’t even know you’re here.”
“Then it’s high time she found out.”
I put my hand on his arm. “As Katie’s lawyer, I believe that if the jury is given a front-row seat the first time she sees you again, they’re going to be moved by her emotion. They’re going to think that anyone who wears her heart on her sleeve like that couldn’t be cold enough to kill her own infant.” I stepped away. “If you want to see Katie now, Adam, I’ll take you there. But think hard about that. Because the last time she needed you, you weren’t here to help. This time, you can.”
Adam looked from me to Coop, and slowly sank back into his seat.
The moment Adam went to use the restroom, I told Coop we had to talk.
“I’m all ears.” Coop picked up a french fry from my plate and popped it into his mouth.
“In private.”
“My pleasure,” Coop said, “but what do I do with my baby-sitting charge?”
“Keep him far away from mine.” I sighed, and considered keeping the news to myself until after the trial; this was a moment I should have been concentrating on Katie, after all, and not myself. But I had only to look as far as Adam Sinclair to see the grief that could come from remaining silent, even with the best of intentions.
Before I could puzzle out a solution, Adam provided me with one. Coming from the restroom with red-rimmed eyes and the smell of soap fresh about him, he stood awkwardly at the edge of the table. “If it’s not too much trouble,” he asked, “could you take me to my son’s grave?”
Coop parked beside the Amish cemetery. “Take as long as you’d like,” he said. Adam stepped out of the back of the car, his shoulders hunched against the wind, as I got out of my own seat and led him through the small gate.
We kicked up small tornadoes of fallen leaves as we crossed to the new grave. The stone, chipped by Katie’s hands, was the color of winter. Adam shoved his hands into his pockets and spoke without turning to me. “The funeral . . . were you here?”
“Yes. It was lovely.”
“Was there a service? Flowers?”
I thought of the brief, uncomfortable prayer said by the bishop, of the Plain customs that did not allow for any adornment of the grave, neither flowers nor fancy headstones. “It was lovely,” I repeated.
Adam nodded, then sat down on the ground beside the grave. He held out his hand, gently running one finger over the rounded edge of the headstone, the way a new father might reverently touch the soft curve of a newborn’s cheek. Eyes stinging, I turned abruptly and walked back to Coop’s car.
As I slid into the passenger seat, Coop watched Adam through the window. “Poor guy. I can’t even imagine.”
“Coop,” I said. “I’m pregnant.”
He turned. “You’re what?”
I folded my hands over my abdomen. “You heard right.”
The fact of this baby had tangled my thoughts. I had once left Coop for all the wrong reasons; I didn’t want to stay with him for all the wrong reasons, either. I stared at his face, waiting; telling myself that his reaction wouldn’t affect my decision about the future in the least; wondering why, then, I wanted to hear his response so badly. For the first time I could remember, I was unsure about Coop’s commitment to me. Sure, he had asked me to move in with him, but this wasn’t the same thing at all. Maybe he wanted to spend a lifetime together, but he might not have expected that lifetime to begin quite so suddenly or with such lasting consequences. He had never mentioned marriage. He had never mentioned children.
I’d provided Coop with the perfect reason to walk out of my life and leave me the breathing room I’d always craved-but now I realized I didn’t want him to go.
When he did not smile, or touch me, or do anything but sit frozen across from me, I began to panic. Maybe Katie had it right; maybe the best thing would have been to wait a few days, if not more. “So,” I said, my voice shaking. “What are you thinking?”
He reached across the seat and tugged my hand away from the place where it covered my stomach. He edged up the hem of my sweatshirt and leaned forward, and then I felt his kiss low against my belly.
The breath I did not realize I’d been holding rushed out in a great flood of relief. After a moment I cradled his head in my hands, sifting strands of his hair through my fingers, as Coop wrapped his arms around my hips and held tight to the two of us.
He insisted on walking me to the door of the Fishers’ house. “I’m not handicapped, Coop,” I argued. “Just pregnant.” But the feminist in me rolled over, secretly thrilled to be treated like spun sugar.
At the porch, he took my hands and turned me to face him. “I know this part is supposed to come before you actually make the baby, but I want you to know I love you. I’ve loved you so long I can’t remember when it started.”
“I can. It was after the Kappa Alpha Theta San Juan Night party, somewhere between you diving into the grain alcohol and the naked blow pong tournament.”
Coop groaned. “Let’s not tell him how we met, okay?”
“What makes you so sure it’s a he?”
Suddenly Coop stilled and held his hand up to his ear. “Do you hear that?”
I strained, then shook my head. “No. What?”
“Us,” he said, kissing me lightly. “Sounding like parents.”
“Scary thought.”
He smiled, then cocked his head and stared at me. “What?” I asked, self-conscious. “Do I have spinach between my teeth?”
“No. It’s just that I’m only going to get this moment once, and I want to remember it.”
“I think we can arrange for you to walk me into the house a few more times, if it’s that important to you.”
“God, can’t a guy get a break? Do all women talk this much, or is it just because you’re an attorney?”
“Well, if I were you I’d say whatever it is you’re going to say, because Adam’s liable to get sick of waiting in the car and drive back to Philly without you.”
Coop cupped my face in his palms. “You’re a pain in the ass, El, but you’re my pain in the ass.” His thumbs smoothed over my cheeks. “Marry me,” he whispered.
I brought my hands up to grasp his wrists. Over his shoulder, the moon was rising, a ghost in the sky. I realized that Coop was right: I would remember this moment with the same level of detail and clarity that came to mind when I thought back to the last time Coop had asked me to share his life; the last time I’d told him no.
“Don’t hate me,” I said.
His hands fell away. “You are not doing this to me again. I won’t let you.” A muscle jumped along his jaw as he struggled for control.
“I’m not saying no. I’m just not saying yes, either. Coop, I just found out about this. I’m still seeing how the word mother fits. I can’t try on wife at the same time.”
“Millions of other women manage.”
“Not quite in this order.” I smoothed my hand over his chest, hoping to soothe. “You told me a little while ago I could take a while to think. D
oes that still hold?”
Coop nodded, and slowly let the tension drain out of his shoulders. “But this time, you won’t be able to get rid of me so easily.” Then he splayed his hand over my abdomen, where part of him already was, and kissed me good-bye.
“You were gone for so long,” Katie whispered from her bed. “Did you tell him?”
I stared up at the ceiling, at the small yellow stain that reminded me of Abraham Lincoln’s profile. “Yeah, I did.”
She came up on one elbow. “And?”
“And he’s happy. That’s it.” I refused to let myself look at her. If I did, I would remember Adam’s expression when he first heard about their baby, Adam’s sorrow as he knelt at the grave. I couldn’t trust myself to keep from Katie the news that Adam Sinclair was home again.
“I bet he couldn’t stop smiling,” Katie said.
“Uh-huh.”
“I bet that he looked into your eyes.” Her voice grew more dreamy. “I bet he told you that he loved you.”
“As a matter of fact-”
“And he put his arms around you,” Katie continued, “and said that even if everyone else turned their backs, even if you never saw your friends or family again, a world with only you and him and the baby would feel downright crowded because of all the love that would be stuffed into it.”
I stared at Katie, at her eyes shining in the darkness, her mouth twisted in a half smile somewhere between rapture and remorse. “Yes,” I said. “It was just like that.”
FIFTEEN
Ellie might never have made it out the door on Monday morning, if not for the chamomile tea. She finally managed to get downstairs after a sleepless night and morning sickness, and found the steaming mug on her plate with a few saltines. By that time, the others had left the breakfast table; only Katie and Sarah remained in the kitchen cleaning the dishes. “You understand we have to drive in with Leda today,” Ellie said, steeling herself against the smell of leftover food. “Coop’s meeting us at the courthouse.”
Katie nodded, but didn’t turn around. Ellie glanced at the women’s backs, thankful that Katie had known enough to spare her the sight of a platter heaped with eggs and bacon and sausage. She took a tentative sip of the tea, expecting her stomach to heave again, but curiously the nausea ebbed. By the time she finished, she felt better than she had all weekend.
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