by Nell Stark
He shrugged. “That’s what I get for being an econ major.”
“The real story is that he’s secretly embezzling our money to fund his hair dye collection,” Chelsea said. She looked at Sarah and smiled. “Sarah, right?” She cocked her head. “Didn’t I see you in the parking lot earlier today?”
“Yeah, that was me,” Sarah said as they shook hands. Chelsea’s was soft and her nails brightly colored. Sarah hoped that her palms weren’t sweating. “I, uh, just wanted to talk to you because I’m interested in volunteering with GLAD.”
“Oh, great!” Chelsea reached into her bag and extracted a flyer. “Here you go. This has all of their info on it.”
“Thanks.” Sarah folded up the paper and slipped it into her front pocket. She was acutely aware that Chelsea hadn’t stopped staring at her since they’d begun talking. The attention was simultaneously flattering and discomfiting. “Well…later.”
She was about to turn toward the door when Chelsea reached out to touch her arm. “Thanks for coming tonight. See you soon.”
“Definitely.” Sarah managed a self-conscious smile and walked away. Her skin tingled where Chelsea’s fingers had rested. Oh, get a grip. So she’s attractive and kind of flirty. That doesn’t mean you have to get all awkward.
She made her way toward the staircase and climbed it slowly. Chelsea reminded her of Dar, a little—sophisticated, feminine, poised. She tended to feel tongue-tied around such women until she got to know them. I’m glad Rory’s not like that. It’s easy to talk to her. I think we’ll be friends. And Matt was fun. He made her laugh.
But when she came to a stop in front of her door, a sudden wash of loneliness flooded over her. What were her friends at Yale doing right now? Were they missing her at all, or were they too caught up in the beginning of the school year to even spare her a thought? And Dar—had she moved on yet? Or was she sizing up her prospects, now that—
Stop it. Stop it stop it stop it. Sarah clenched her fists at her sides and shook her head. Knock it off. Be grateful for where you are, dammit. It could be so much worse. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and answered Rory’s greeting as cheerfully as she could.
“How was work?” said Rory as Sarah closed the door behind her. “And I just made myself a cup of chai. Want some?”
“Sure,” Sarah said. The uncomfortable pit in her stomach began to fade in the face of Rory’s solicitousness. “It smells really good. Thanks.”
“Another chai drinker! Sweet.” Rory grabbed a carton from the mini-fridge and began pouring its contents into a URI mug. “May as well just come out and ask you: what music do you like?”
“Ah, I see—this is really an elaborate compatibility test.” Sarah flopped into one of the beanbag chairs and arched both eyebrows. She hadn’t felt like joking around very often during the past month, but Rory’s bantering tone made it easy. “I’m on to you.”
“You’re smart and you drink chai. Killer combo.” Rory winked. “I’m gonna be more specific: when I play Guns N’ Roses, should I wear my headphones or not?”
“Definitely not.”
“You are the perfect woman.”
Sarah found herself belly-laughing. “And you’re prone to hyperbole.”
Rory whistled. “Great vocabulary, good taste in beverages, likes Guns N’ Roses. What else should I know about you, Sarah Storm?”
Sarah’s pulse jumped at the question. Rory had just given her the perfect opportunity to come out, and for a moment, she seriously considered it. But what if Rory freaked? It was a very real possibility. Can’t deal with that. Not today.
“Um…let’s see,” she said. “Cheesesteaks are my favorite food.”
“Yum. What’s your restaurant of choice around here?”
“I don’t know,” Sarah said. At Rory’s confused look, she decided to ’fess up. Her ignorance about URI was going to be blatant. I can’t keep this a secret. “I literally just got here. I’m a transfer student.”
“Oh? From where?”
Sarah took a deep breath. “Yale. So tell me, where should I order my cheesesteaks from?”
Rory blinked at her for a moment, then shook her head. “Kingston Pizza. Good stuff.”
“Cool,” Sarah said, relieved that Rory was apparently not going to ask why in hell she’d transferred out of Yale. “Thanks.” When the ensuing silence stretched on for more than a few seconds, she started to feel anxious. “So…what classes are you taking this semester?”
Rory leaned back so that her front two chair legs were in the air. “I’ve got three fun ones and two pains in the ass,” she said. “Film Theory, Documentary Film I, and Modernist Lit are going to rock.”
“Modernist Lit? Why are you taking that?”
“English minor. That class is going to be hard, ’cuz modernism is some crazy shit, but I know I’ll enjoy it.”
“Fair enough,” Sarah said. For the second time that day, she felt out of her depth academically. Is it obvious that I have no idea what “modernism” means, the way she’s using it? “What about the ones you’re not looking forward to?”
Rory’s chair legs returned to the floor with a loud thump. She scowled. “Intro Econ, because I promised my parents. And Intro Bio, because I’ve been putting off my goddamn science requirement since freshman year.”
Sarah laughed. “Do you ever wish you could trade credits with someone else? I’ve got plenty of science under my belt. You can have whichever you’d like.”
“Oh man. I would so take you up on that.” Rory stared dreamily into space for a moment, then shrugged. “Anyway. How about you? What are you taking?”
“Physical Chemistry, Inorganic Chemistry, Advanced Genetics, and Bioethics.” Sarah shrugged. “I still need three more credits, though. Do you have any ideas for a good class?” When she looked up, Rory’s mouth and eyes were open wide. “What?”
Rory shut her mouth with a click. “So what you’re telling me is that you’re a brainiac.”
“No, I just want to be a doctor.” Rory’s compliment was nice, but Sarah didn’t exactly feel as though she deserved it. “Help me out with my fifth class, will you?”
Rory tossed over a copy of her course guide for the semester. “Sounds like you need something non-scientific. I took a really good women’s studies class last year—interesting and pretty easy.”
Sarah opened the book toward the back and leafed through the course descriptions. She’d never taken a women’s studies class at Yale, though many of her friends had. It was yet another area that she knew practically nothing about. And I really should.
“Which one did you take?”
“Current Topics in Women Studies,” Rory said. “It’s offered every year, but the content changes depending on what’s going on in the real world. Same prof every year, too. She’s cool.”
Sarah flipped to the relevant page and skimmed the description. The class promised to teach her about how contemporary laws and social practices impacted women and the field of women’s studies. It did sound interesting, and it’d be a nice break from the rest of her course load.
“All right,” she said. “Sold.” She got to her feet, went to her desk, and flipped open her laptop. “I’m going to register for it right now.”
“And I,” Rory said, “have had enough of all this school talk.” She dropped to the floor in front of the television and grabbed one of her controllers. “Will it bug you if I play video games for a while? I can always put the TV on mute.”
“It won’t bother me,” Sarah said as she loaded up URI’s homepage.
“Wanna play? The two-player version is really fun.”
“If you knew how much I suck at video games, you never would have asked me that.”
Rory made a dismissive sound. “It’s just a skill, like any other. I’ll teach you someday, if you want.”
Sarah laughed again. “Make sure it’s a someday when you’re feeling very patient.”
After signing up for her class, she opened up h
er e-mail program. She had promised Corrie that she’d check in. Once she was finished, she spun in her chair to watch Rory’s progress. Rory’s tongue poked out slightly between her teeth, and the tendons in her forearms jumped as she pounded buttons. The olive tone of her skin contrasted with the dark fabric of her T-shirt, which hugged her torso like a second skin. Her gray sweats were a little baggy, of course, but—
She’s got a really nice ass. The thought was unbidden and unwanted. Sarah gritted her teeth and mentally slapped herself. Rory was kind, funny, and smart—that much was apparent even after only a few hours of living with her. She was also the only person at URI with whom Sarah had had more than a passing conversation. Sarah was lonely right now—lonely and searching for human connection. It would be far too easy for her to read more into their fledgling friendship than was really there. Besides, she and Dar had only been broken up for a week. I’m just rebounding. That’s all. Looking for a connection anywhere I can find one.
Suddenly exhausted, Sarah rubbed her burning eyes and pushed her chair back from her desk. It had been a long day, and those kinds of thoughts were proof positive that her brain needed a rest. “I’m going to bed,” she said.
“Okay,” Rory said. “Sleep tight.” She looked over her shoulder briefly and smiled—a quick, easy smile that made Sarah feel warm inside.
Sighing, she pulled the bedroom door shut and wrestled her sheets onto the bottom bunk. The mattress was a little harder than the one she’d gotten used to at Corrie and Quinn’s, but it felt good to have a bed that she could truly call her own again.
As she did every night, Sarah worked on wiping her mind clear of every troubling memory and anxiety about the future. Often during that last month of the summer, she had lain awake for hours, her heart thumping painfully as she tried over and over to figure out what to do next.
Now, mercifully, the faint sounds of Rory’s game lulled her into sleep within minutes.
Chapter Four
Three weeks later
Rory used her fork to prod the mysterious vegetable that had been served up alongside her macaroni and cheese. Suspicious. Was it spinach? Kale? Green bean mush? Deciding not to risk it, she shoved it as far to the side as possible.
“You know I love watching movies with you,” she told Matt, who was devouring his hamburger as though it were the last he’d ever eat. “But I can’t tonight. Sarah said she’d help me study for my stupid bio exam. She’s kind of a whiz at that stuff.”
“How are things going with her, anyway?” Matt asked.
Rory shrugged. “Fine, I guess. She’s not around much. Her job keeps her pretty busy when she’s not in class.”
“Yeah, every time I’ve seen her, she seems like she’s on the go.” Matt slurped from his soda. “But she’s a good roommate?”
“Neat, quiet, and she doesn’t eat my cereal. Almost too good to be true.” Rory took a bite of her dinner. “I think she’s kind of lonely, though.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Couple of things. She brings a lot of meals back to the room. And if she’s made any friends, I haven’t met them.” Every time they were in the room together, Rory tried to draw Sarah into conversation, but she hadn’t gotten very far over the past few weeks. There was a lot she wanted to know, starting with why the hell Sarah had transferred to URI from Yale, of all places. What was her story? And why did she look so damn sad, sometimes? Sarah was happy to talk about how her classes were going, or to share a funny anecdote about some table she’d waited on at work, but she had yet to volunteer any deeply personal information. Can’t seem to get past the surface with her.
“Well,” Matt was saying, “I can tell you right now that I know of at least three women who would love to fix her loneliness problem.” Suddenly, his eyes widened and he covered his mouth with both hands. “Oh shit,” he mumbled. “Fuck.”
For a second, Rory was confused by Matt’s sudden interjection. Then she realized what he had said and several of the puzzle pieces fell into place. Sarah’s tomboyish look made a different kind of sense now. So that’s what’s beneath the surface. Huh.
She leaned forward. “Did you just out my roommate to me?” When Matt nodded miserably, looking utterly stricken, she rolled her eyes. “Bad form, dude.”
“Well, it’s you! I mean, it’s hard to be careful around you because obviously, duh, you’re cool with it, but Sarah doesn’t know that.”
Rory frowned. “Does she think I’ll flip my shit or something?”
“How should I know?” Matt’s voice always screeched when he was upset, and he drew several looks from those sitting at nearby tables in the cafeteria.
“Chill,” Rory said. “It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re not going to bring it up, are you?”
“We’ll see.” Before he could start squawking again, she changed the subject slightly. “So she’s got some admirers, does she?”
Matt, always a sucker for gossip, latched on to the new topic with gusto. “Every lesbian, bisexual, and bicurious freshman, of course.” When Rory began to laugh, he held up one hand. “That’s small potatoes. The real news is that Chelsea has the major hots for her.”
Rory let out a low whistle. She had never heard of Chelsea crushing on anyone before. It was usually the opposite. “Sarah the stud, huh?”
“You have to ask?” Matt sounded indignant. “What are you, blind?”
“Rhetorical question,” Rory said. “Yes, I find her attractive, okay? Handsome. And her eyes…I’ve never seen eyes that blue.”
“Duh. She’s totally smokin’ in that hunky butch way, and it’s like she doesn’t even know it. Hell, sometimes she gives me twinges, especially when she wears jeans and a polo shirt…”
Rory laughed at the dreamy note in Matt’s voice. “My roommate can pass for a hot guy. Wow.”
Matt blinked as though he were waking up. “Don’t you dare ever tell her that last thing I just said.”
“What?” Rory said, grinning mischievously. “That even you have a crush on her?”
“I do not!”
“Yeah, you sorta do.”
“I’m gay, for Christ’s sake!” Matt bellowed. The entire dining hall went silent. “What?” he said, looking around belligerently. “It’s not like all you people didn’t know that already!”
Rory bit down on her lower lip in an effort not to laugh. “Y’know that book Coming Out Every Day? That’s your life.”
Matt flashed her a cheesy smile and reached for a few of his fries. “Loud and proud, baby.”
“Anyway,” Rory said, “back to Sarah.” As soon as Matt had mentioned Chelsea’s interest, Rory had visualized them as a couple. They’d look great together. “I think we should set her up with Chelsea.”
Matt rolled his eyes at her. “Of course you do. Emma.”
“Hey! Emma was bad at matchmaking. I’m good at it.”
“Uh-huh, right. That must be why Dan and I are still together.”
Rory narrowed her eyes. This was familiar territory. “I still contend that you guys were an excellent fit for each other.”
“And I still contend that the fact that he dumped me on my ass pokes serious holes in your argument!”
Rory sighed heavily. “Fine. You’re entitled to your opinion. It’s just…think about it. Wouldn’t Sarah and Chelsea make a good couple?”
Matt chewed slowly as he considered the question. “Depends on Sarah’s personality. Chelsea’s a handful. Think Sarah would mind how clingy she gets?”
“At least she wouldn’t be lonely,” Rory pointed out. “Maybe Chelsea’s neediness will be good for her.”
“Maybe.” Matt looked down at his watch and frowned. “Hey, don’t you have to get to class?”
“Shit, yeah.” Rory grabbed her tray and pushed back her chair. “Thanks. See you later.”
As she headed toward the double doors, she tried to decide how she’d broach what was clearly a sensitive subject with Sarah. There was no question
in her mind that she had to say something. She didn’t want Sarah to have to continue hiding. Rory felt a sudden flash of anger. What was her deal, anyway, with not being out from the very beginning?
Do I not read as queer-friendly, somehow? How the hell is that possible? My best friend is a flaming gay boy!
But Rory’s irritation subsided as quickly as it had come. Maybe Sarah had had some bad experiences with coming out. And it wasn’t as though they were more than friendly acquaintances who shared the same living space. But that was going to change. I’m going to get to know her better, dammit, Rory pledged. I’m going to be her friend. And bringing this up will be the first step.
*
All throughout their evening review session, Rory tried to come up with a good way to steer the conversation toward the pink elephant that had taken up residence in their room. She was still racking her brains, though, when Sarah announced a few minutes before nine o’clock that she needed to leave for another study date at “the library.” Rory had to struggle not to smile. Matt also always had something going on at nine o’clock on Mondays, and it had nothing to do whatsoever with hitting the books.
By the time Sarah came back around ten thirty, Rory had decided that bluntness was the way to go. So she scraped back her chair, curled her feet underneath her, looked Sarah in the eyes, and said, “I know that you weren’t just at the library—that you were at one of those talk-group-things over at the GLBT student center. I know you’re a lesbian and I don’t care. I’m not going to freak out.” She paused to grin up at Sarah, whose eyes and mouth were open wide. “And I also happen to know that you, roomie, are being crushed on by many women.”
Sarah sat down hard. She blinked at Rory. “How did you—”
“Matt. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to tell me, and he feels awful about it.”
“Huh.” Sarah rested her elbows on her knees and stared down at the frayed carpeting. “Guess that explains why he avoided talking to me tonight.”
“Don’t be mad,” Rory said quickly. “It only slipped because he knows—as do you, now—that I’m totally cool with it.”