“Oh.” I buried my face in my hands. “Maybe I’m losing my mind. Being stuck on this ship for weeks has finally broken me, and I’m going quietly insane.”
“Doubtful.” Jenny patted my arm. “But if you’re worried, get MediQwik to check your brain.”
“I did that after I died,” I said. “I was worried because of my father’s history, you know?”
“You told me.”
“MediQwik said I was fine.” I let out a manic laugh. “But it didn’t make me feel much better.”
Jenny sighed. “Because if you were sick, you could get help. You’re not sick, though. You’re just—”
“Here. Yeah.”
“Is that why you’ve been baking so much?” Jenny wasn’t the sensitive, caregiving type. If I tripped and fell, she’d definitely offer to help me up and would ask if I was okay, but only after she finished laughing. So if she was concerned about me, she must have been more worried than she appeared.
“I feel like my life is on pause. Ever since waking up on Qriosity, it’s like I’ve been stuck in this space between moments.” I felt like I wasn’t explaining it well. “Have you used Mind’s Eye to explore Bell’s Cove?”
Jenny nodded. “There’s a cat café in town called BaristaCats—”
“Of course there is.”
“Sometimes I go there to hang out and play with the kitties.” Tears welled in Jenny’s eyes. “I miss August and Teeth.”
“Your cats are named August and Teeth?”
“Shut up,” she said. “You were the one who brought up Mind’s Eye.”
We’d gotten off track, and I had to think back to what we’d been talking about. “Right. Anyway, so you know how when you pause the simulation, the entire world freezes?”
Jenny covertly wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “It’s creepy. The air gets still, the ambient noises disappear. Even the smells vanish.”
“That’s sort of how living on Qriosity feels to me. Like my life is frozen and I’m never going to move forward.”
“But this is your life.”
“Rationally, I get that. I really do. But there’s a part of me that’s still waiting to wake up in my own bed at home. To pick up where I left off with my mom and my friends.”
Jenny bit her bottom lip like she was debating saying something. Finally, she said, “There’s a psychologist in Bell’s Cove.”
“Dr. Kim,” I said. “Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Darling send Anastasia to see her in the fourth season because they’re worried about the psychological damage being involved in so many gruesome murders might be causing.”
Jenny hesitated again. “I’ve talked to her. Like, as a patient.”
“You have?”
“Yes,” Jenny snapped back. “And, no, I won’t tell you why.”
I held up my hands. “I wouldn’t dream of asking.” I sat quietly for a moment, thinking about Jenny seeking help from Dr. Kim. There was nothing wrong with needing help. In fact, asking for help is one of the bravest things a person can do. I guess I just hadn’t thought about how our situation on Qriosity might be affecting her, and I should have. “Did it help?” I asked. “Talking to Dr. Kim?”
“A little,” Jenny said. “You know how the characters can get when you talk about stuff they don’t understand.”
“Yeah.”
Jenny went back to playing with her puzzle. She twisted and rotated the pieces, causing different parts to light up. I didn’t understand what she was trying to get it to do. I wasn’t sure she understood either.
“Well, I should go meet DJ,” I said. “I promised I’d help him clean the air recyclers in the garden since you already refused.”
A sly, suggestive grin crept onto Jenny’s face. “Have a good time,” she said in a singsong voice.
I gave Jenny the finger as I left the galley and made my way toward the garden. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to visit Dr. Kim in Bell’s Cove. It was fine talking to DJ or Jenny, but I also had to live with them. There were things I hadn’t told them, things I didn’t want to tell them, that it might be beneficial to discuss with someone else. That was one of the reasons I visited Bell’s Cove. To escape Qriosity. To see people other than DJ and Jenny, even if those people ultimately weren’t real.
The first thing I saw when I opened the door to the oxygen garden was the sky painted the colors of a crane lily. The ground fell away, and I wavered on my feet. Stumbled into the bulkhead and managed to stay upright, but only barely. Impossible memories filled my brain. DJ was going to be standing at the pond in a tan suit, holding a yellow flower. He never intended for us to clean the air recyclers. He’d invited me to the garden for a surprise date. And Jenny had helped him arrange it.
I couldn’t catch my breath. I pressed my hand to my chest and fought for air. As the memories that had assaulted me began to settle, the dizziness receded. That couldn’t have been déjà vu. That had been violent, as if someone had cracked open my skull and forced the remembrance of something I’d never experienced into my brain.
Slowly, I followed the path deeper into the garden. I remembered this, too. I called DJ’s name. He called back. I found him at the pond. This time I remained quiet as I walked. As I grew closer to the end of the path, I prayed DJ wouldn’t be there. Or that he would be wearing the overalls he usually wore when he planned to do particularly filthy work and not an ill-fitting tan suit.
“Hey, Noa.”
The yellow flower. DJ held it out to me and smiled. God, he was so handsome, and there was a moment, brief and fleeting but real, where I considered taking the flower from him.
“This is a date, isn’t it?” I said. “You lied to me about cleaning the air recyclers so that you could get me here.” I pointed at the food containers sitting on the blanket on the grass. “Spaghetti, bread, and salad.”
DJ stared at me like I’d unzipped my skin. “I mean, yeah. It wasn’t really a lie, though. You could look at it like it was, I suppose, but—”
I ran from the oxygen garden, not bothering to listen to the rest of his explanation. I’d been right. How could I have known? Maybe I could have read subtle body language from Jenny. At best, though, that would have given away that DJ was planning something. Not what he was planning. Not what he was wearing. I’d known down to the way he’d cuffed his pants because they were too long. I shouldn’t have. It should not have been possible.
I opened the door to medical, tugged off my shirt, and snapped the MediQwik cuff around my bare arm before hopping onto the table.
“Thank you for choosing the MediQwik Portable Medical Diagnostician and Care Appliance. How are you injured?”
“I don’t know. But there’s something wrong with me. I’m remembering things that I shouldn’t be able to remember.”
“Your heart rate is currently one hundred and seventy-five beats per minute, and your respirations are abnormally high. You appear to be suffering from panic-related tachycardia—”
I slammed my fist on the table. “I don’t care about that! What’s wrong with my brain? Why am I able to remember things before they happen?”
The door opened, and DJ, face flushed and sweaty, ran in. He was the last person I wanted to see, but I was also grateful he was there because maybe he could convince MediQwik to do its damn job.
“Noa?” DJ moved cautiously like he was afraid I might bolt again. “What’s wrong?”
I laughed and laughed. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
DJ inched closer. “Try me.”
“Fine,” I said. “It started with the soufflé. I was going to taste it after I took it out of the oven, but when I did, I burned my finger. Except, I hadn’t touched it yet. I only remembered burning my finger. But how could I remember something that I hadn’t done yet? And then there was this conversation with Jenny. It went differently last time, but I remember the game she was playing with. You were the same, though. You made the dome look like a sunset, and I said I hadn’t seen a sunset in a long time, and you said it
was a date, and I said ‘No thank you’ and ran off because… well, that’s not important.”
DJ licked his lips and swiped his hand through his hair. “It’s good you came here.”
“It would be if MediQwik would follow my commands.” I tapped the cuff with my finger. “What’s wrong with my brain?”
“Your heart rate and respiration are dangerously high. Probable diagnosis is that you are suffering from a panic attack. Would you like to begin treatment?”
“No!” I said. But DJ said, “Yes, he would.”
“I absolutely do not!” I told him.
“Immediate treatment is recommended,” MediQwik said.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Noa, but you’re not making sense, and I’m worried about you. Let MediQwik help you and then we can figure out what’s happening together.”
“You’re not listening to me!” I tried to pry the cuff off my arm, but it let out a harsh beep, and the lights flashed red.
“MediQwik is initiating patient override protocol. Administering treatment directly. MediQwik, health redefined. MediQwik is a trademark of Prestwich Enterprises, a subsidiary of Gleeson Foods.”
“DJ?” A cool sensation spread through my limbs, and the world slowed to a blur.
DJ approached and helped me lie back. “You’re gonna be okay, Noa. I promise.”
My eyelids grew heavy. What was I worried about?
“I’ll be here when you wake up.” DJ took my hand. It felt like he was touching me through two inches of foam rubber.
The drugs invaded my blood, they drowned my brain, but I fought the darkness. I clawed for the light. I felt helpless and alone even with DJ by my side. My eyes slid shut and I screamed soundlessly.
THREE
THE TIMER I’D SET BEGAN to blare as I reached for the oven door.
“Wait,” I said. “It’s not ready. The soufflé will collapse if I take it out now.”
“Talking to yourself again, Noa?” Jenny called from the other side of the galley.
I remembered. I’d done this before. More than once. I walked around to the table and flopped down in the nearest chair, my mind in a daze. Jenny was playing with a familiar object. A game or puzzle. It was the first time I’d seen her with it, but I knew without a doubt that I had watched her twist and turn the pieces while trying to get the faces to light up the same color.
“Noa?”
I blinked and looked at her. “Call DJ and tell him to come here.”
Jenny frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to meet him in the garden?”
“To clean the air recyclers,” I said. “But it’s a trick. When I get there, he’s going to be wearing a tan suit that doesn’t fit well, and he’ll be holding a yellow flower.” I caught Jenny’s eye. “Just get him here.”
When DJ walked into the galley, Jenny’s mouth fell open. She stared at DJ, then turned to me. “How did you know?”
DJ looked from me to Jenny, confused. I didn’t blame him. “What’s going on?”
There was no easy way to explain what I was experiencing because no matter what I said, they were going to think I was sick or delusional. I still had to tell them, obviously, so I just went for it. “I think I’m stuck in a loop. Like Groundhog Day. I’m repeating the same day over and over.”
DJ pulled out a seat and fell into it like his bones had liquefied. “I know it feels that way sometimes, but—”
I shook my head. “Not a metaphorical loop. I’m pretty sure I’m literally reliving the same day. This is the third or fourth time. The first time, I burned my finger on the soufflé—damn!” I ran back into the kitchen, pulled on gloves, and grabbed the soufflé from the oven, but it was too late. The top was blackened and charred, and it had still collapsed in the middle. I dropped it on the counter and returned to the table, where DJ and Jenny were whispering to each other. I only caught the tail end of what Jenny was saying.
“—knew you were wearing that exact outfit,” she said. “He mentioned a yellow flower, though.”
“You had a yellow flower, and you had somehow changed the sky dome to mimic a sunset.”
DJ nodded slowly. “I did have a flower, a yellow dahlia, and I changed the dome too.”
I needed them to believe me. “You set up a picnic by the pond. Spaghetti, bread, and salad.”
“Did you tell him?” DJ asked Jenny.
Jenny held up her hands. “I swear I didn’t.”
“I knew,” I said, “because I’m repeating this day.”
“Maybe we should go to the med suite.” Jenny was speaking to me but looking at DJ. “MediQwik—”
“No!” I yelled. “There is no way in hell I’m putting on that cuff again.” The memory of MediQwik drugging me, of my inability to fight, was fuzzy around the edges, but the terror I’d felt was as sharp as if it had happened only a moment ago.
Jenny’s eyebrows rose. “No one’s going to force you.”
“Have we done this before?” DJ asked.
I shook my head. “I changed things when I asked Jenny to call you here.”
“Demanded,” Jenny said under her breath. She’d set aside the puzzle before DJ had arrived, and was eating a Nutreesh bar.
“Then let’s talk this through.” DJ bit his thumbnail. “Where does the loop start?”
“Here.” I pointed at the kitchen. “Actually, in there. I’m standing at the oven, about to take out my soufflé.”
“And where’s it end?” he asked.
“Different places.” I furrowed my brow, trying to remember each loop. “I think it resets when I lose consciousness. Once, I fell asleep. Last time, MediQwik sedated me against my will.”
Jenny looked surprised. “It can do that?”
“Can and did.”
DJ said, “Have you noticed anything abnormal?”
I started to laugh, but neither DJ nor Jenny joined in. When I caught them watching me like they were thinking maybe they should take me to medical, I said, “Everything on this ship is abnormal.”
“He’s not wrong,” Jenny said.
“Yeah.” DJ sighed. “Why you, though?”
“I ask myself that question every single day.”
“What I mean is why are you the only one of us who remembers?” DJ looked handsome in his suit, even if the shirt buttons did look like they were going to pop off. I shouldn’t have been thinking about him, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Why am I on Qriosity?” I asked. “Why did I survive death when Kayla didn’t? I don’t know. I’d love the answers, I’d give anything for someone to tell me, but things continue to happen on this ship that I have a feeling I’m never going to get a satisfactory explanation for.”
“Calm down, Noa,” DJ said.
I hadn’t realized I’d stood. That I was leaning over the table, yelling. But I didn’t want to sit down again. I didn’t want to discuss what was happening to me like there was any chance we were going to be able to fix it. Each time something went wrong and we tried to make it right, we screwed up our situation even more. I didn’t know how much worse my life could get, but I was sure Qriosity would be happy to show me.
Without another word, I left the galley, ignoring DJ and Jenny calling my name. I made my way to Ops and sat at my station. The simulations DJ, Jenny, and I had been running had made me a little more familiar with the console and how to work the computer, and I scanned the area around the ship for abnormalities. I wasn’t surprised when the computer returned nothing out of the ordinary. The answer was never going to be that simple.
I recognized DJ’s heavy footsteps approaching Ops. That boy couldn’t have snuck up on a coma patient.
I barely spared him a glance when he sat at the station beside mine. “You doing all right?” When I half turned to glare at him, he quickly added, “Stupid question. Sorry for asking.”
“Why is this happening?” I whispered. I wasn’t expecting him to answer.
“I don’t know,” he said. “But maybe you could look at this as an
opportunity.”
“Are you serious?”
DJ nodded. “Do you know what I’d do if I had an infinite number of days?”
“Math.”
“No,” DJ said.
“Liar.”
“All right, I might work on the Riemann hypothesis or P versus NP if I had that much free time.” He probably didn’t even realize he was smiling. He always smiled when he talked about math. “That’s not the point, though.”
“What is?”
DJ turned his chair to face me. “You can do anything you want. If you’re really trapped in a loop, then your options are limitless. You could spend every day trying to solve the mystery of why you’re repeating this day; you could learn every single thing there is to know about Qriosity; you could waste a million days doing absolutely nothing and still have a million more waiting for you after that.”
Leave it to DJ to try to find the bright side. “It sounds exhausting, actually,” I said. “This could be a fluke, though. Some weird side effect of the fold drive.”
“Then let’s test it scientifically.”
“How?”
DJ tapped his chin. “Why not try going to sleep?”
I looked around Ops. “Here?”
“Why not?” he asked. “The worst thing that happens is you wake up in a few hours with a stiff neck. If you are stuck in a loop that resets when you lose consciousness, then you’ll open your eyes in the galley.”
There was definitely something appealing about the idea of unlimited do-overs. No matter how badly I messed up, I could go to sleep and reset the entire day. I wasn’t thrilled that DJ and Jenny wouldn’t remember and that I would need to explain the situation to them every time, but it was a small price to pay. Either way, I needed to know for sure, and I couldn’t think of a good reason not to try DJ’s idea.
“I can’t sleep with the lights on.”
DJ dimmed the lights, leaving the room lit by only the soft glow of the viewport and our consoles. “Do you want me to stay with you?”
“Would you?”
“Of course.”
FOUR
A Complicated Love Story Set in Space Page 14