by Nikki Landis
“Oh Mal,” I whimpered, wanting more from him and unable to pursue it.
I loved him. I wanted him, for six long months we had held ourselves back. In truth it was much longer than that. Years.
Denial was a strong aphrodisiac.
“Lizzie…oh my love. I…need…” He could barely talk.
In that moment I knew I could make love to him and it would be wonderful, perfect even. I also knew that if I let him he would fill my heart and overflow it with love and joy. If not for Alec, Mal would have been my husband. He was already a part of me, but it had come too late. Had I known of his love sooner…but I couldn’t let that thought finish.
I smiled at him gently. Raising my hand to his cheek, I spoke softly.
“You’re my soul mate Mal.”
“Yes, Lizzie,” he whispered, “soul mates. Lovers. Friends. We are fated my love.”
“There will always be great love between us, no matter what.”
His hands rested on my hips. “I know. Forever Lizzie.”
Neither of us apologized. We weren’t sorry for what had transpired between us. Alec had left me with a loyal man who loved and cared for his family. He must have known temptation would exist. I would not have sex with Mal. I could not. But my heart and my body knew I loved both men and it betrayed me when I least expected it.
I had a deeper love for Alec and a bond that could never be broken. Loneliness and uncertainty plagued me but that would not make me falter. Marriage vows tied us together. I would not cheat on him. I could not betray his trust.
In the back of my mind, I knew I had gone too far with Mal. We had done more than I ever should have allowed. But in those six months, alone and scared, he had taken the role of husband and father. He embraced it. It was natural for us to want each other.
I told myself it was the situation we were in, promising to never let it happen again. Even as I spoke it to my heart, I knew it was only a pacifying promise and easily broken. Our hearts longed for each other…and there was no way to stop their connection.
Mal was quiet for a moment, hardly noticing my introspection.
“I’m angry…and I’m frightened,” he whispered, vulnerability lacing his words.
“Talk to me,” I whispered back.
“I don’t know how to handle and process this…us. You’re my family as much as you are his. I love you and I love your son. I don’t know where that leaves me when he returns. I don’t know how I will be able to handle the separation from you both. I think it may kill me,” he admitted.
I sighed. “If I had some way to make it better I would. If there were words to say I would say them. If there was something I could do I would do it. But take solace in this Mal, you won’t be the only one. I can’t be separated from you either.”
He nodded, tears in his eyes briefly before he moved me from his lap and got up. Pacing, he was quiet for several minutes. Something else agitated him. Something else bothered him.
“I have another reason I am angry,” he admitted.
I nodded. “Go ahead.”
“If you ever…EVER say you are going to kill yourself again, I may actually lose it with you.”
Dumbfounded I just stared at him. “Huh?”
He strode back toward me quickly and put his hands on my shoulders.
“Even if you lose Alec…don’t ever say it again.”
I gulped. Shaking my head I pushed his hands away. How could he judge me? I wasn’t stupid. I had a son to live for. Did he take me for a fool?
“I’m not an idiot Mal.”
He refused to meet my gaze. For some reason this deeply bothered him. He had a personal investment in that promise. Something had happened in his past. I wanted to know but I would not pursue it unless he was ready. I didn’t ask questions and he didn’t continue. The silence stretched between us. When he spoke it was in a whisper.
“Go get some rest. You need it and I need a few minutes.”
I left quietly, listening to the sound of the bottles as he took another shot. Guiltily I walked back to my room, entering the quiet darkness in silence, feeling dismissed and discarded. After all of that passion and closeness, he had turned himself off, and closed his heart away. Mal seldom reacted that way with me but when he did I knew it was grounded in loss.
I paused beside the bed and watched my little son as he slept. Emotion washed through me, flooding me like a rising tide as loneliness and despair overwhelmed and cascaded down around me. Tears sprang to my eyes. I took a deep breath. And another.
With a small cry I let the emotion overtake me. Laying down I wept into the pillow, silencing my cries of anguish. My shoulders shook with the sobs, bouncing the mattress beneath me. Eventually I fell into an exhausted sleep, too tired to notice the noises outside of our hideout.
Chapter Thirteen: Alec
Alec had never been so happy to see a place in his life. The bunker wasn’t far away now. He would reach it within the next hour, joy spreading through his chest at the thought. Finally, after all of these months he could safely return to his wife and son. His heart ached at the thought.
God how he missed her. Her beauty. Her smile. The way she loved him when he held her close. And his little son Benjamin. He must be so big by now. Alec ached with the thought of all the moments he had missed. All the time lost.
The jeep sped along the ground as he stepped on the gas pedal. Nothing would keep him from his goal tonight. He was filled with a deep longing as he pictured Lizzie’s face. Alec couldn’t wait to kiss her and pull her close. The thought of making love to her after all this time sent the ache from his chest to his groin.
“Boss…you all right?”
He sent a glance in Big Dog’s direction. “I’m anxious.”
“I know. Lizzie will be happy to see you.”
He sighed. “If she isn’t angry with me first.”
“She might be but it wasn’t your fault. Explain it to her,” he encouraged.
“Ha!” He snorted. “You know her temper.”
Big Dog chuckled. “Yes I do.”
It might be easier said than done. He hadn’t sent any word to her at all in almost six months. So much had happened that he didn’t know where to begin. Every movement he made had been tracked. Time and again he had been followed.
Whenever he thought he had lost the assassins he would be attacked. He couldn’t trust the lives of his wife and son to uncertainty. Alec had waited until he was absolutely sure that every one of the assassins had been defeated. Not until they were dead did he dare to seek Lizzie out.
Time had passed swiftly. He had been active in these last months, waging war against their enemies. They knew his name now, almost feared it. Massive amounts of recruits and refugees flocked to their side. The more the militia bombed, the more enemies they made.
Freedom Fighter numbers were at record high levels. The number of bases they held were in the hundreds. Catapulted in a role of leadership he hadn’t sought he became the driving force behind the refugee movement and the Freedom Fighters. He was the face of hope. The face of the future. The man who was bringing the militia down.
It was unprecedented.
Victorious.
And lonely…
His time in the militia had not been wasted. The years he spent with them gave Alec an unparalleled advantage. He knew codes. He knew procedure. He knew their strategy and chain of command.
He could gage their reactions, plan for their attacks, and he knew where the best weapons and vehicles, planes and tanks, and supplies were hidden. Alec knew the location of every base, shut down or open. He updated numerous maps and plans. His growing list of operatives was impressive. His influence reached far beyond the capitol, even the state. He was becoming famous.
Famous…and recognizable.
For months he had memorized every strategic bunker, air strip, and ship that the militia had. With this knowledge he reaped destruction. In a word he had been given a title of honor and respect among the peo
ple but the enemy sought to bring him low.
Nicknamed the “Reaper” by the militia, he had inspired loyalty instead of fear. Alec had become their worst nightmare. In so doing he had made himself and his family vulnerable. Public enemy number one. And so the assassins had been sent.
This was his greatest regret. They were a target now. The militia would hunt and seek his family until they were dead. He might as well have called for their deaths himself. Anger and frustration at the situation filled his thoughts. How would he ever be able to protect them now? How could he ensure they would be safe?
If the militia ever managed to capture Lizzie and his son it would mean torture and death. They would brainwash his son and turn him against Alec. He had seen their tactics of rehabilitation. They would kill Lizzie just to torment him.
Anguish filled his heart and he gasped at the pain of realization. There wasn’t a way to keep them safe. Not really. Not now, not after all that had transpired.
And then he knew. He wouldn’t be able to stay with them. Alec couldn’t now. His presence, no matter how brief, would always put them at risk. The more he sought them out, the greater the risk of their discovery. Oh God, he had no choice.
Alec let his foot release slowly off the accelerator until he came to a dead stop. Shrouded by the blackness of night he let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. His forehead fell forward and rested against the steering wheel. Erratic thumping in his chest increased his anxiety and pain filled his heart, as if someone were squeezing the life right out of it.
Lizzie would never let him go. She would never agree to his terms. She loved him too implicitly to allow him to walk away. Once he entered that building he only had one of two choices: stay forever or walk away and never come back.
Tears sprang to his eyes and he fought them back. Weakness wasn’t an option. Alec had to be strong now. Strong enough for the three of them. God only knew if he had the ability to do it.
Chapter Fourteen: Lizzie
The sound of low voices awakened me. At first I didn’t recognize the low timber of the masculine voice in my head. As realization dawned I bolted upright in bed. Jumping and running for the door, I nearly tripped and skid into the doorway in my haste.
“Alec!” I screamed.
His eyes found mine instantly, locking with such force that I forgot to breathe. I ran to him and jumped into his arms afraid I was dreaming. His arms slid around my back as he pulled me close, the familiar presence of his touch bringing me home.
“Lizzie,” he whispered in my ear.
Tears filled my eyes and spilled over. “Alec...you came back.”
He brushed away the tears with his fingers before lowering his lips to claim mine. Scorching heat spread through my limbs as he lifted me without breaking the kiss. Without a word he walked toward the bedroom door, shutting out the world around us, and clicking it closed with his steel toed boot.
We fell back on the bed, hastily removing our clothes. I fumbled with my blouse but managed to open it without popping all of the buttons. Alec smiled as his gaze devoured me. In one swift movement his pants hit the floor with the rest of his belongings, discarded and forgotten in our passion.
He yanked off my blouse and his lips made a heated, wet descent. He ran his thumb over my nipple sending shivers of delight into my core. I gasped at the intensity of sensation. Lifting his shirt, I ran my hands over his chest and abs, my fingers lingering on his underwear, pulling at the waistband.
He kissed me, his body rubbing against mine. I could feel the hardness of him and I gasped again. He responded with a smile. He lowered my hand and I felt how much he wanted me. His moan of pleasure filled my brain, consuming me. I arched against him, passion almost overriding my senses. Our hands drove each other to heights nearly unthinkable.
I reached for him, increasing his need and gasped at his response, clinging to him as he leaned me back against the soft cover of the mattress. I did not protest when his head lowered and he gave me what I needed in return. Alec had never done that. It was erotic and I felt like a pagan.
He was not finished. He pulled me back into his arms and kissed me again, his body arching against mine, his hips driving, shoving against my pelvis. His hands were hot, liquid fire as they roamed my breasts, cupping the soft flesh. His lips followed his hands, delicious torment building my need again. I arched toward him, pulling him close, nearly forgetting everything in that moment. I rode wave after wave of pleasure in his arms.
His lips were nuzzling my throat while his hands roamed over my curves. Trails of liquid heat followed his lips as they made their way down my neck, across my chest, and over my stomach. I gasped as his fingers lingered over my panties before finally tearing them from my body.
God, I loved it when he did that.
“Alec! Oh Alec!” I cried.
Moments later our bodies joined in a delicious rhythm. Both of us giving, both of us taking, we made love like two dying men on the brink of starvation. Our passion rose again and again until finally it exploded, like a canon firing into the distance, like a bolt of thunder booming in the sky above. Crying out in unison, our love spoken on our lips and declared by our souls, spent and sated we fell asleep in our lover’s arms. Entwined. Fulfilled. Blissful.
I had been watching Alec for several minutes in silence. Something was bothering him. He never paced unless he was agitated or frustrated about something important. Whatever it was made him feel suddenly distant even in the same room together. I didn’t like it or the feeling of dread that entered my heart.
“What’s the matter?” I asked softly.
Alec continued to pace. Ignoring my question, he asked one instead.
“When was your last cycle?”
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “My cycle? Um…two weeks ago? Why?”
He didn’t answer. Minutes ticked by. I asked him again.
“Why? What’s wrong Alec?”
He finally looked at me, his eyes guarded. “It’s nothing.”
Nothing? Since when did Alec hide things from me? When did he start keeping secrets? What about his promise to always be truthful no matter what?
Time should not change his promise. Nor distance.
“It doesn’t look like nothing,” I replied.
He stared at me for a moment and continued his silence. I opened my mouth to speak but a knock sounded on the door. He walked over and opened it, a forced smile on his face.
“How about a nice big breakfast this morning?” Mal asked cheerfully.
“I’m starving, thanks. We’ll meet you at the mess in a few minutes. Lizzie is feeding Benjamin.”
Before Mal could answer he closed the door. I could hear his footsteps shuffling away. That wasn’t very nice. Mal was being gracious. Besides, he had seen my breasts more often than I could count. We had spent the last five and a half months together. What was Alec’s problem? Had he suddenly developed a dislike to other men watching me breastfeed?
My confusion deepened when he went into the bathroom and jumped in the shower, still not responding to me. I could hear the splashing as he washed. The smell of shampoo filled my nostrils. I burped little Benjamin and put him in his playpen, content with his toys and blocks.
Quickly I undressed and stepped into the shower, my fingers reaching for my husband’s chest. Alec moaned when he felt my touch and claimed my mouth instantly. Making love in a shower was tricky but we managed it, hot water running down our naked bodies and into the drain. With it washed away all of my worries. I would find out what was bothering Alec and put his mind at ease. Smiling I kissed him softly and hugged him close, certain I could make everything right.
I entered the kitchen with little Benjamin on my hip amid laughter. Big Dog and Mal were arm wrestling over one of the mess tables, trying their best to take the other down. I laughed lightly and settled my little boy into his high chair. Immediately he started smacking on the top of it and giggling. I cut up some pancake and sausage and put it i
n front of him. He loved it, digging in, licking his fingers and making little yum noises.
Alec had entered with us and picked up two plates, filling them with food for himself and me. I watched him with interest, wondering if he knew how his silence bothered me. After the shower he had remained strangely quiet.
It gnawed at me, my thoughts remaining jumbled. When was he going to tell me where he had been? When would he give his excuses for why he had stayed away? What had happened during my absence? Was there nothing at all that he wanted to say?
No assurances? No words of comfort? Wasn’t he here to stay?
More than anything I wanted to know what was going on in the war. Mal had tried to get radio reception inside the bunker but we had heard precious little from the outside world.
I worried repeatedly about Alec’s capture or demise. I worried about my fellow refugees. Most of all I worried if he still loved me and wanted me the same as before. His silence was causing doubt and uncertainty to enter my mind. It made me skittish and nervous.
I chewed my bottom lip.
“Have a seat Lizzie and eat,” Alec offered, handing me a plate.
“Thank you,” I answered.
Pushing the food around on the plate I pretended to eat, having little appetite. Worry did that. It always made me sick to my stomach.
Big Dog noticed. “You not hungry honey?”
I shook my head and smiled, pushing the almost full plate away. Alec was eating but watching me carefully. I noticed Mal glancing at me as well. I sighed and cleared the table, stopping to wash dishes in the sink. Blinking back tears, I scrubbed plates in the hot water.
I felt strong arms slip around my waist and a chin rest on my right shoulder.
“Lizzie there’s nothing to worry about.”
I turned around and looked into his eyes. “Is that the truth?”