He Doesn't Deserve My Love

by Ashley Cruse

  Jazzy smiled. “Look at you now, though. You’re doing so much better. You look healthier. Your hair . . . oh, my God . . . you cut it all off! But you are still one beautiful person. You got a house, Doll. Everything you want, you have.”

  “Except for Corey,” I replied sadly as a feeling of hurt passed over me again.

  “Except a man, not Corey,” Jazzy said, correcting me. She sprang up from the floor, then rubbed her flat stomach. “Corey’s not a man. He’s a little boy doing little boy things. He will never realize what he has until it’s gone. Anyway, girlfriend, don’t you see what you can accomplish once you rid yourself of trash?”

  “Yes, ma’am!” I smiled happily to myself.

  “Now, let’s go get our grub on, girl. I’m starving.”

  Chapter 32

  By the end of the week, my little boy and I were fully established in our new home. Drake loved the fact he had his own bedroom. My little man was ready to do big boy things, like dress himself and brush his little bitty teeth.

  I was happy to have my own space, my own kitchen, and a backyard. Pretty much my own everything, period. Jazzy had already left Abilene. Before she’d left, she held a surprise housewarming party for me, alongside my cousin Vic. All my other friends had come to the party to see my new place and celebrate with me.

  When I returned home that Friday, with Drake in tow, I immediately began to prepare dinner. I was making us steak fajitas. Drake settled into his new room and began playing with his building blocks while I cooked. I could hear the movie The Smurfs playing in his room.

  After we ate dinner, I cleaned up the kitchen and got Drake ready for bed. Then I hopped in the shower and washed my hair. When I was done, I slipped on a pair of red-and-white Adidas wind pants and a white beater. Then I tucked Drake in bed, grabbed the latest People magazine, and curled up on the couch to look through it.

  I was halfway done reading the piece they had done on Muhammad Ali when I heard a loud knock on my front door. I jumped at first, wondering who would be knocking at this time of night. After making sure to mark the page I was on, I quickly placed my mag down. I got up and turned the porch light on first. I peeked through the window and saw no one on the porch. I opened the door and found a card with a single rose taped to the other side of the door. I stepped outside and looked around. No sign of humanity anywhere.

  I gently pulled the card and the rose off the door and walked over to the swinging chair my uncle Justin had set up for me on my front porch. I opened the card. I read it aloud to myself.

  “I can’t hide my feelings for you any longer. Please, meet me here at seven o’ clock tomorrow evening. Love, your secret admirer.”

  “Whoa!” I said aloud to myself.

  He wanted to reveal himself to me. My mind raced as I tried to figure out who it could be. Unfortunately, my mind was blank.

  I tried to finish reading the article in the magazine when I returned inside, but my mind was fixated on what I had just received. I tried to go to sleep. That proved to be futile, because I was restless. I stirred in my sleep constantly. Turning in my bed all throughout the night due to my mind racing meant that I did not get adequate rest.

  I didn’t know what time it was when I finally fell asleep, but I was woken up around eight. Drake was hungry and was making it his business to let me know that. Feeling groggy, I got up to feed my growing boy. After all, a mother had to do what she was supposed to do. I headed down the hall, toward the kitchen. I looked at the counter on which I had placed the card and the rose, and I felt a renewed energy.

  I made homemade biscuits, sausage, and scrambled eggs with cheese for my son. After he was done eating, I got him dressed for the day. I watched him brush his teeth and wash his face. He went out the back door to play in the sandbox. I went outside to make sure all the gates were locked. I left the back door open and sat in a kitchen chair and observed him through the opening in the deck. I reached for my cell and called Jazzy.

  A sleepy Jazzy answered the phone. As I filled her in on what was going on, she became wide awake.

  “Bitch, who you think it is?” she asked

  I smiled at myself. “Girl, I don’t know who it is, but whoever it is, I hope he ain’t no Michael Myers son of a bitch.”

  She burst out laughing. “I am so happy for you, girl. God had a plan for you, and maybe you had to go through all that to get here.”

  I silently agreed. A strange feeling seemed to cleanse my wounded heart.

  As I sat there finishing up my conversation with Jazzy, a huge part of me wanted 7:00 p.m. to hurry up and get here. I hung up the phone and went outside to join my little boy. We stayed outside for most of the morning. We ate lunch on the deck, and Drake took a nap right after we finished. While he was sleeping, his grandma called. She wanted him to come stay the night with her. I got his overnight bag ready, making sure to pack his Sunday school clothes too.

  When he finally woke up, I gave him a good bath to wash the sand off of him. I dressed him in a nice polo shirt, a pair of brown corduroy pants, and a pair of his white-and-blue Polo shoes. I loaded him in the truck and took him to his grandma’s. I stayed and chatted with her for a while. Afterward, I stopped at the bakery on my way home. My uncle Justin had taken the day off, but my aunt Audrina was working, while Victoria and the new baker my uncle had hired were in the back, baking birthday cakes and making more fudge. I stayed and talked with my aunt for a while, filling her in on what was going on.

  When I got back to the house, I realized it was five o’ clock. I popped in my Beyoncé CD and cranked that ho up while I cleaned the living room and the front bathroom. I started a load of Drake’s clothes. Then, I began to get ready to meet my mystery man. I hopped in the shower. I dried off and lotioned up really good when I was done. I put a dab of J.Lo’s Glow perfume behind my knees, on my wrists, and behind my ears. I put on my True Religion blue jean skirt and a red cropped T-shirt that barely covered my midriff but accentuated my sexy shape. I slid on a pair of my red Chanel sandals and, of course, topped my outfit off with my signature gold hoop earrings. I then curled my bob, making sure it was layered in the back to show off my cut. I was pleased with my hairstyle choice, and I knew I was looking like a bad bitch today!

  Once I was done, it was about 6:45 p.m. I walked into the living room and turned off my CD. I put Drake’s clothes in the dryer and then started a load of my own clothes.

  I decided to go outside to wait for my admirer. As I walked out, to my surprise, I saw Drew standing there with a single rose. Before I could say anything at all, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.

  Chapter 33

  Tenosha

  My world was in turmoil. Once we finally arrived back at the crib, I was finally able to assess the scene before me. I wasn’t prepared. My kids were not, either. My house was completely trashed. The law had totally ransacked my house. It was so bad, I had no idea where to go, what to do, who to call, or anything. I was just standing there like a statue, as if I had been cemented permanently to the spot in which I was standing. I wanted to cry, but no tears fell down. Was I shocked? That was an understatement.

  Corey was on his phone, hitting people up. Right then my little brother and sister appeared at my home. Drew was carrying trash bags filled with his things. He looked over at me.

  “I left her, sis,” Drew said.

  I couldn’t even talk. I was at a loss for words. My kids were starting to fuss because they were sleepy. It appeared as if the oldest ones had no problem tramping over the heap of garbage spread out before us. Karen, my one-year-old, sat on the floor and fussed. The only fucking thing was their bedrooms weren’t their bedrooms anymore. Every inch of every single part of every room in my house was totally fucked up.

  Dressers had been turned over; mattresses had been flipped and cut up. My fucking clothes were all over the place. I had socks and underwear in the goddamned bathroom, where they didn’t even belong. My entire household had been demolished. I walked li
ke a zombie, looking at each horrid scene before me. I picked Karen up, and when I finally made it back to what we used to call the damn living room, I sat down on my upside-down coffee table. I looked helplessly at Justine.

  “What do I do, Justine?” I whispered.

  We locked eyes with each other. Neither one of us moved. Her eyes were filled with a mixture of pity and confusion. I was willing to bet she felt just as helpless as I did the moment my foot hit the front door. I wanted her to wave a magic wand around and make this shit just, poof, go away. This was the real world. Fast living didn’t quite operate like that.

  “Sis, I wish I knew. I’m trying to think it out too.”

  “Justine—” I began to protest, but just then Marie, my oldest daughter, wandered over to me.

  “Mama, I’m sleepy?” Poor thing was so tired, her statement came out more like a question.

  She climbed into my lap, next to Karen, and tried to get comfortable so she could get some rest. My other two children crowded around me. They were ready for bed too. Even though they didn’t come right out and say it, I knew they just were not sure where they could lay their heads. It literally broke my fuckin’ heart.

  “Let me call Grandma and see if the kids can stay with her for a while,” Justine said, then walked outside, dialing our grandma’s number at the same time.

  “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I shrieked. Tears started falling down my face. I didn’t bother to wipe them off. I just let them fall freely down my face. My oldest son leaned over, trying his best to keep my face tear free with his little hands. That act right there made a bitch cry beyond intense. I was feeling less than a woman right now. My children couldn’t even sleep in their own beds right now.

  Corey came over and stroked my face a little. He instructed the three older children to sit down at the kitchen table. He was trying to straighten things up the best way he could. At least the kitchen table was standing and chairs surrounded it. They could at least sit down. My baby girl remained in my lap, fast asleep.

  He smoothed away my tears, assuring me everything would be okay. I looked up at him. I wondered if them muthafuckas had even found any dope here.

  “Did we have drugs here? I mean, what was going on?”

  “I don’t know, babe.”

  “How in the hell am I supposed to move, baby?” I asked. “I have to be at work at nine in the morning.”

  “How are we supposed to move?” he joked, cracking a smile.

  I didn’t find this situation exactly humorous, considering my babies were exhausted and their beds were all fucked up. He hurriedly recanted his comment once he understood I didn’t consider this a laughing matter.

  “We got this, man. Don’t worry,” he said. “They didn’t find shit. Plus, we have the money, and Drew has the drugs.” Corey looked at my brother, and he nodded his head. “I’ll call Kitty and get her to rent us a room at Motel Six.”

  “Yeah, sis. I didn’t even bring it with me over here. I left it in a safe place over at Justine’s place,” Drew stated. That made me feel a little bit better.

  Just then, Justine walked in. “Grandma said she’ll keep the kids. Mom said she’ll help too.”

  “Did you tell her what was going on?” I asked.

  “Hell naw. You know damn well Grandma and Mom would flip the fuck out,” my sister said.

  “Yeah, they would have told your ass to deal with it,” Drew added.

  The three of us agreed not to say anything to my grandma and them about what was going on right now. Not until I was able to talk to them myself, one-on-one. Drew and Corey drilled it into the kids sleepy heads what they could and could not say while they were over there.

  Justine searched around the kitchen floor until she located some trash bags. Drew and Hanson went to help her load the kids’ clothes into them. Marie and Tyrese filled other trash bags with their belongings, things they couldn’t see themselves going without.

  “Don’t overdo it, you guys! I don’t need Grandma to contemplate that you guys are moving in. It’s only temporary,” I instructed, raising my voice so they could hear me.

  A chorus of voices yelled back, “Okay.”

  I couldn’t move from my spot on the coffee table. My body was frozen. The task force had come in and ruined my home. For what? I asked myself. Did that mean we were hot now? I was sure we had not been calling attention to ourselves. Did somebody tell on us? What the fuck was going on? So many questions and different scenarios were running over and over in my mind. This whole situation had me feeling a bit uneasy and pretty pissed off now. I felt like a switch had turned off the sadness and self-pity but had converted it to anger.

  I was still seated on my coffee table when Justine and Drew loaded up the Expedition. Did I kiss my kids good-bye? Because I didn’t remember. I just didn’t know what I was going to do next. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I thought for an instant to call my baby daddy. I longed to do so, honestly. I knew that if I was with his ass still, I would still have a fuckin’ home and wouldn’t have the law targeting my ass. For the first time, I admitted to myself that the grass might not be so green on the other side of the fence, after all.

  While Justine and Drew were gone, Bruce arrived with Majesta. My best friend came over and hugged me. That was when I let loose. I couldn’t control the tears escaping my eyes.

  “Don’t worry, Ten,” she said, gently wrapping her long arms around me in a protective way. “We’ll get you moved out,” she promised.

  “It’s not even that, Majesta. Did you see my kids? Everything was just fine when we left. We come back to the fuckin’ crib, and the fuckin’ pigs literally destroyed my damn home!”

  “I know they had the whole damn block sewed up, sis, for real.” Majesta gave a play-by-play on what she had observed going on. “That’s when Bruce hit your line,” she added.

  My head was spinning. They had come into my place, hoping to find something. I was glad they couldn’t find shit. But I was pissed off that my furniture had been destroyed in their effort to catch us with some shit. I was going to have to start all over and obtain everything again. It had taken me and my baby daddy years to get our home looking the way it had, and just like that the Abilene Police Department had come and fucked it all up.

  “My job, though. I have to go to work tomorrow. I can’t stay up all night!” I said.

  “You won’t miss work, and you won’t have to worry about anything. I got you, baby girl,” Corey said. “You heard me on the phone with the dope fiend. We getting a room right now, so don’t even trip. You’ll be able to rest your pretty little head soon, Tenosha. Everything is going to be all right,” he added, trying to reassure me.

  “Okay, Corey, I trust you,” I said. Truth was, I wasn’t quite sure how I was feeling right now. Too many unanswered questions and missing puzzle pieces.

  We waited for Justine and Drew to get back and passed the time pretty much in silence. Occasionally, Majesta and Corey made small talk. I opted not to jump in it. I had more important shit running through my mind at that moment. When my little brother and my sister finally returned, Corey left in the rental to get one of the dope fiends to rent our room for us.

  “Did Grandma say anything?” I asked.

  Justine and Drew both shook their heads.

  “The kids were knocked out by the time we got there,” my sister said.

  “Yeah, we helped Grandma get them in the bed,” Drew said, chiming in.

  When Corey returned, he came back with two keys, one for us and the other for Drew. The boys stayed up front talking, while my sister, Majesta, and I went in the bedroom and put my and Corey’s clothes into trash bags. Drew, Corey, and Majesta then loaded the clothes up in the Expedition. Justine and I sat in the middle of the torn-up bedroom.

  “Justine, don’t say a word.” I dropped my voice down to a whisper. She leaned in closer to listen. “I feel like if I had just stayed with Bobbie, I wouldn’t be going through this.”

  “
That’s crazy, Tenosha, because Drew was saying that. He’s really upset, even though it’s not showing right now. He ain’t feeling this shit,” Justine murmured back.

  “Man, he did try to warn me, though, sis. Not going to lie.”

  “You going to leave Corey or what?”

  I paused for a second before I began. I gave her the rundown on what had happened in Bedford. Her eyes lit up in surprise when I mentioned to her about him proposing to me.

  “I’m in too deep now. I have to ride this shit out. I won’t give Bobbie the satisfaction of trying to go back to him. I just won’t,” I said.

  Right then we heard footsteps coming down the hall and immediately knew we were going to have to switch up the subject. Justine eyes widened as she looked around the room. I clutched her hand. We burst out laughing before we turned our attention back to what was going on around us.

  “Whoever did this seems mad,” Justine said.

  I looked up at her. “Whoever did what?”

  “The law, girl. They didn’t just search your house. They tore this whole damn place up!” Justine said. She rose to her feet. She stood over me, then presented her hands. I caught them with mine and held on tightly. She pulled me up off the floor.

  “They know what’s going on, Tenosha. They were pissed because they couldn’t find shit. I don’t think you should not be worried. Just be careful.”

  “They’re watching us,” I said.

  We looked at each other for a brief moment. An eerie feeling crept through me. We needed to hurry up and get the hell out of here. I started for the door, but my sister grabbed my arm,

  “Yeah, sis, and I think somebody is telling on y’all too.”

  My thoughts exactly.

  Chapter 34

  My night in that room Corey rented, which was at Motel 6, wasn’t too great. I needed sleep, but I just ended up tossing and turning until it was time for me to get up and get ready for work. Just like Corey had promised, they moved all my things out of my house and put them in storage while I was at work the next day. Corey had me take the Expedition to work. Bruce arrived with a U-Haul truck he got for us when it was time for Corey and Drew to move my shit out.