by Ashley Cruse
Drew looked taken aback.
“You motherfuckers made me look like a fool!” I said, raising my voice a little. “Do you have any idea how I felt when I found out the truth? No woman should ever have to endure that type of fuckin’ treatment. I was too good to that damn punk, and that little bitch did me dirty. All of you were in on that. So what you mean, a hard place and a fuckin’ rock? It’s not hard to tell the damn truth!”
“If I had told you, would you have believed me?” He glanced down. “That’s my sister, he was my homeboy at the time, and you’re my friend. What could I do, Doll? Tell me honestly how I should have handled the position I was in.”
I looked at him, and my heart immediately began to soften. Drew had come to me, alone. He had come to me with his heart on his sleeve, he had not asked me for anything, and he wasn’t expecting anything in return. None of that at all. But in the past few months I had experienced one horrible train wreck that unfolded in extremely slow motion.
I took Drew’s hand and began to think about what he was trying to explain. I couldn’t blame him for staying out of the mix. I couldn’t get mad at Drew for not wanting to tell me. Yet I still felt like him being around Corey made it look as if he was condoning the shit. I could be upset about that part. I just couldn’t hold every man responsible for my ex’s mistakes. Especially the ones who showed interest in me and were really good men with big hearts. I couldn’t do it.
True, Drew was Tenosha’s little brother. They were close, so I could see why he felt like he needed to look the other way and not speak about it. Drew was always respectful to me and nice. I had always been attracted to him in a low-key way, anyway, so why not? It was not like we were jumping the broom. Getting to know him was harmless. And I dared Corey to say something. He chose. Now I could be free to choose too.
“Do you really like me?” I asked, grilling him.
He pulled me over to him and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my forehead. It couldn’t be wrong if it felt right to be held by somebody who was showing me that he wanted me. His body language was speaking the same as mine. I was digging that.
“I’ve always said I wanted a woman like you,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m sorry for my part in all of that. For not saying anything. For just going along with it all. Accept my apology please, Dollie. If I could take it all back, I would.”
I rested my head on his chest and remembered what my aunt Audrina used to say to me. What goes around always come back around. I’d always given, and I’d never received. I was able to rest at night, knowing that the seeds Corey had planted would soon come back around to him in one way or another.
The man I loved the most had shunned me and humiliated me. I had had to walk with my head held high, knowing that people were clowning me behind my back. Knowing that people were looking at me like I was a stew head because of the way that little boy was treating me.
Throughout all of that, I had managed to stand up and put myself back together. I had done it for my son. I had done it for myself. I had made that effort to help myself. I had done it to continue to be about the things I believed in. I was a strong woman. I was educated. I was not going to let somebody who was lower than me bring me down any further than he had already tried to. I was better than that. Period.
Drew was a lot like me. He had chosen all the wrong girls, had tried to take care of women, and had never gotten that same treatment back. Corey was back in jail, surprisingly enough. Drew had never changed while dealing with his sister’s and Corey’s cases. He was steadfast. I was already cut for this man, and it was clear to me he felt the same for me too.
“I want to give you that chance. Just be with me, Drew. God will take care of the rest,” I said to him.
He nodded in agreement and kissed my forehead.
If anything, God had made me a believer that everything happened for a reason. Corey and I weren’t meant to be together. The truth of the matter was, he wasn’t man enough for me, and God didn’t like ugly. When you did ugly things to people, the outcome might be sweet, but only for a short time. That ugly you did would come back to you. But I was glad everything had happened the way it had. I was even glad about all the hurt and pain I had experienced. Because at the end of the day, you couldn’t really say you had loved unless you’d been hurt before. I cozied up to Drew, and I wondered whether this was what it was supposed to feel like.
“How long, Drew?” I asked.
He looked at me and asked me what I meant. We rocked in the swing in silence for a little while. I smiled to myself and bit my lip before I gained the courage to explain what I meant.
“How long have you liked me? Why didn’t you just say so?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I have felt like this for a minute. But I always thought that you were so sprung off Corey. Felt like it was a waste of my time. Then I seen how you reacted when shit finally hit the fan. Witnessed how you weren’t even contemplating going back this time. Or letting him slide. You held your ground. I knew you were done with him. In my book, you were free game.”
I looked up at him, and he stared down at me. He kissed my temple once again. Held on to me even tighter.
“We’re both looking for the same thing. You can’t love someone and not have respect for them. We’ve been through the same things, different situations. I can love you, Dollie. I really can if you just give me a chance. I will not disappoint you,” he said softly.
I guessed Jazzy was right, after all. Maybe I did have to go through that bullshit to get to this. All I knew was that whatever “this” was, I was sure glad to have it. Maybe good really could come from bad.
Chapter 38
Tenosha
The sheriff’s car pulled up to the courthouse. The officer got out, opened the back door, and let the other two girls out before me. I glanced up at the sky when my shackled feet hit the ground.
Please, God, I prayed silently to myself. Help me get through this. Let me go home, Father God.
We filed into the courthouse in a single line. I was hoping that I would see my mom, my sister, or my brother. Instead, they made us use a different entrance so we wouldn’t run into any civilians. We rode an elevator to the third floor. The court bailiff and his coworker ushered us into a small room.
The room was severely cold. All four walls were covered in ugly gray wallpaper. The outside of the door was red, but the back of the door was a dingy gray color. The marble floor was a pasty white color. The chains that cuffed my ankles scraped loudly against the floor. Nothing was in this room but several brown and gray chairs that were folded up against the walls. We each grabbed a chair and unfolded it so we could have a seat.
“You ladies wait here. We’ll come and get you when it’s your time,” the bailiff said. He closed the door and locked it behind him.
As I sat on one of the cold gray chairs, I leaned my head down to rest it on my cuffed wrists. I began another round of prayers. I was so nervous, I was shaking as I awaited my fate. I wanted to get this shit over with.
The redheaded girl turned to me and asked, “Whatcha comin’ to court for?”
She had brown, cat-shaped eyes. I could tell by the holes in her ears, lip, chin, and nose that she was a stoner girl. Her hair was braided back into six thick braids. She was a little on the heavy side and had several Chinese character tattoos on her arms and her neck.
I shook my head, as if to clear my jumbled mind. I was aware that there were other women with me. Up until then, my stomach was all in knots and I wasn’t paying anybody else any mind.
“Trying to get my bond reduced,” I murmured.
All I could think about was my kids. I wondered how Hanson was doing in school. Did Marie ever get her last hepatitis shot? I knew Tyrese was loving being with his daddy. Would Karen still remember me? This had hands down been the absolute worst four months of my life.
“What’s your name?” asked a quiet voice from across the room.
I looked up to see a light-skinned
, petite girl watching me curiously. She was out of the way of what little light we had in the room, but I could see that her long, curly hair flowed down her side, almost touching her thighs.
“Ten. And yours?”
The girl leaned back in the seat. Her voice was filled with that “I don’t give a fuck” attitude when she said, “I’m Joslyn. My girls call me Josie. What you do? You seem like a blue-collar chick.”
I sat straight up in my chair. Where did I begin? Everybody I’d talked with kept saying Corey had messed up my life. Well, at least the ones who didn’t know us.
“Caught a dope case. I’m trying to get my bond reduced.”
“A dope case?” the redhead asked, jumping in. “Either you are really broke or you got caught with a lot of dope if you asking for your shit to get lowered.”
I sighed loudly. I looked at the two girls. They both seemed like they had been through this before. I didn’t feel like repeating my story all over again. Hearing another set of opinions was not going to do anything but make my mind wander in a negative way. It was hard to stay positive in a place where there literally wasn’t anything to smile about.
“I’m Myra,” the redhead said, introducing herself. “I know I am going back to the pen. I ain’t even sweating this shit. Give me my sentence so I can get this shit over with.”
“Shit. I feel the same fuckin’ way. Give me my sentence so I can get this shit behind me. The faster I get sentenced and shipped off, the sooner I’ll get home to my two sons,” Joslyn said, concurring.
“Y’all talkin’ like y’all been through this shit before,” I noted.
Both girls burst out laughing.
“I’ve been in and out of jail since I was sixteen. I’m twenty-eight now,” Myra said, like it was really something to brag about.
“Shit. Ever since I got with the father of my children, my life been hell. Six years of having to take cases and charges for him. You know what he did to me?” Joslyn questioned.
She leaned forward and stared me dead in my eyes. The room grew silent while Myra and I waited for her to continue. Suddenly she got up and walked over to me.
“That nigga had three kids on me. I used to get my ass beat. He cheated on me constantly. I get stuck with something I didn’t do, but somehow he figured out a way for me to take the rap. Now me and my sons are suffering still. When I get out, I ain’t staying with his ass no more,” she said.
“Damn.” That was all I could say.
Those words had cut me to the core. I just found it coincidental that we were talking about this shit. To hear somebody else having to go through some bullshit was fucked up, yet refreshing at the same time. I wasn’t the only one who had got it bad, who had made fucked-up decisions. I closed my eyes and immediately went back to praying.
I remained quiet, saying Hail Marys to myself. Myra and Josie began to talk among themselves, familiarizing each other with their cases. I had yet to volunteer my business to them. I hated to admit it, but I just didn’t want to continue going through the judgment process with everybody. The fate of my future was in the hands of a white man. I didn’t deserve to be in this shit. Now I had to deal with it.
Only thirty minutes later, which seemed like an eternity, the bailiff showed up with my attorney. They both motioned for me to follow them. We headed toward the courtroom. As we walked, my lawyer talked.
“A lot of the charges were dropped against you, but with you being pregnant, I know I can get you out, pending trial. The county is not going to want to pay for you to birth a baby. They’d rather you handle it yourself and foot the bill. Your sister and brother say that they have three thousand, so we will see how much we can get your bond reduced.”
“Thank you, Jesus. Please look out for me,” I pleaded out loud and in my mind.
We entered the courtroom, and to my relief, my mom, my grandma, my sister, her husband, and my brother were all there. To my surprise, some of my homegirls and homeboys from the neighborhood were there too. The support made me feel ten times better. The love was coming in all directions.
Judge Cole told us to be seated. My attorney began his spiel, requesting that my bond be lowered and that I get out from under supervision. Then, the district attorney dropped an iron on me.
“Your Honor, this young lady verbally assaulted a police officer, she was under the influence when she was arrested, and she had controlled substances in her possession. There were empty beer bottles visible to the arresting officer.”
“With all due respect, Judge, this woman is pregnant, and jail is no place for her to be in right now. What’s more, she’s not a flight risk at all,” my counsel rebutted.
Judge Cole called me to the stand. I walked over, sat down, and my attorney asked me a series of questions. I began to feel overwhelmed. Every time I thought I was going to break down and cry, I dug my nails into my cuffed hands. I held it all together. I just wanted court to be over. I answered each question to the best of my ability. Then the district attorney started in.
“Who’s Corey Knight to you?”
“My fiancé,” I answered.
“And what happened the night you were arrested?”
I choked back tears. I refused to cry in front of the homies. I refused to look soft in front of them all. Once again, I answered, willing myself to stay strong and remain calm.
“I honestly don’t recall.”
“You were that intoxicated?” he asked, with a sickened look on his face.
“What’s that report say? You know if I was drunk or not,” I retorted.
“So, the night you left your engagement party, were you aware that you were pregnant then?”
“No, sir. If I had known, I would not have been drinking,” I assured him.
“Why do you deserve to go home and have your bond lowered?” he asked me.
“I made a mistake,” I pleaded. “I need to get home to my kids, and I’m pregnant. I’m not a bad person. I just made a bad decision.”
“You made several bad decisions, Ms. Rivers. Were you thinking about your kids when you guys were caught selling drugs to an informant? If you require an opinion from me, I don’t think so.” The D.A. took a seat, and the judge dismissed me from the bench.
The bailiff ordered everybody to rise as I took my place beside my attorney. Tears slowly trickled down my face as I begged God in my head to let the judge grant this reduction. It seemed like I was upright for the longest time. Waiting for him to decide my faith. Sweat was forming on my forehead and the bridge of my nose as I waited on his verdict. Please let me go home, God! I begged once more.
The judge was speaking, and I couldn’t comprehend a word he was saying. He sounded awfully close to a robot moving in slow motion. All of a sudden, I felt my sister, Justice’s arms around me.
“Tenosha! You’re coming home!” she squealed.
Man, was my heart filled with joy. I didn’t know what to do. I was flooding inside with pure relief and happiness. But even though I got to go home now, what home was that? My baby daddy had my kids. I had lost my apartment when Corey and I got arrested. And I might have to go back to prison, based on the felonies I just caught. I might be free now, but I might not be later.
Was all of this worth it? I loved Corey so much, but I guessed the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side. I was carrying his baby, so now what?
Chapter 39
Dollie
Five years later . . .
“Mom, hurry, before my grandma gets here!” Drake demanded as I finished pulling the last few weeds from my garden.
I looked at my handsome little boy as he waited impatiently for me. He had his hands on his hips and was standing there with a scowl on his face. His grandma was on her way to take him for the weekend, and he was ready to go. It warmed my heart that she played a large role in his life. He couldn’t have his daddy, but he had her.
I stood and headed inside, Drake on my heels. I washed my hands in the kitchen sink. “I need to check your su
itcase before she arrives,” I informed him as I dried my hands. I headed in the direction of his bedroom.
“I don’t know why you always have to come and check my suitcase for me. I’m a big boy. I can do it all by myself,” he said, pouting, as he walked behind me.
“How about you shut up before you get a big boy spanking?” I commanded.
That shut him up real quick. I walked into his very clean room. I began rummaging around in his suitcase to be certain he had packed all he needed. Right when I was zipping it up, I heard the voice of Drake’s grandma as she made her way down the hall, and then I heard my husband, Drew’s voice. Drake took off running in that direction.
“Grandma! Grandma!” His excitement rang throughout the house as he called out to her.
“There goes my big boy!” I heard her say.
I snatched his suitcase up off the bed once I had gotten it closed. I headed down the hallway to greet them. We stood in the hallway and chatted for a while. She filled us in on the basketball game she was taking Drake to and the hotel they were going to be staying at. He was going to have a blast with his grandma in San Antonio, and the look on his face told me he was ready to go. I also knew she had a surprise for him. She planned to take my son to SeaWorld to see Shamu.
I hugged Drake and his grandma and told my son to be on his best behavior. Then I went into the kitchen to order me and my husband some Chinese food. While I was ordering, my baby, Drew, walked them outside and saw them off. I was finishing up when he came back inside.
I loved my new life. I had never even seen this coming, but I enjoyed every minute of it. If somebody had told me eight years ago that I would be happy and in love, I would not have pictured this. I would have thought that it was for me to be happy with Corey, not Drew.
But what this man was offering me right now, at this very moment, I had never been able to imagine with my ex. God had known what he was doing when he allowed that door to close shut permanently.