by Rosa Swann
Nathan and Zeke are talking about the local college, about classes and professors, and weird scheduling hours. I just listen to them, not really sure what I should be saying. Nathan is an adult. Sure... We’re all adults, we’re old enough, Zeke and I are both much closer to thirty than twenty, but he feels much older than us. I don’t know why, maybe because he’s an Alpha, or maybe it’s just the way he carries himself. But I’m very aware of the difference between us, and it’s making saying anything at all so much harder.
And as time passes, it’s making me more and more nervous and convinced that I don’t belong here. That I shouldn’t have come.
“Wes?” Zeke puts his hand on my knee, just a simple gesture, but I still jolt a little. “Are you okay?” His eyes are serious, worried.
I nod. “I’m good. Just a little tired.” I try to smile, but I’m sure it’s not reaching my eyes fully.
“I can imagine.” Nathan also looks at me. “Two young kids, going to college and working at the cafe. You must be constantly exhausted.”
I nod again, not able to meet his eyes.
Luckily, our dinners are brought by right then, letting me do something else instead of telling him that I have four, not just two kids... Something that would definitely change the way he’s looking at me. Something that would make him look at me with pity in his eyes, as happens so often when people see me with Oliver and realise that I’m his father, not his older brother. I don’t want that to happen just yet.
The pizza I ordered tastes really good, and for a while we’re all just eating instead of focusing on the awkward conversations that we could be having...
Why did I even agree to this? Why did Zeke not say something to get us both out of this? Why did he agree to it? Why did I even come here? I already have Zeke, I don’t need anyone else... Not even someone who makes my heart skip a beat when he smiles. I don’t need another Alpha. Plus, who’d want a mess like me, with four kids, and more baggage than anyone should take on voluntarily?
My chest hurts, making breathing hard, and I feel like tears could start forming in my eyes at any moment. I put down my knife and fork, standing up. “Sorry. I’ll be right back.”
When I pass him by, Zeke grabs my wrist and I look at him, his eyes are serious and he frowns when he catches my look.
“I’m just going to the bathroom.” I pull my wrist out of his hand and follow the signs to the bathrooms. I just need a moment to myself, somewhere where Nathan and Zeke can’t see me, or anyone else.
I lock myself in one of the stalls, sitting down, my heart hurting, my head hurting, everything hurting. I should leave. I should really leave. Let Zeke talk to Nathan on his own, not ruin their fun for the evening. I can still go home, spend the evening with the kids and catch up on homework instead of making a fool out of myself here.
My phone vibrates and a message from Zeke pops up. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Just tired, like I said.’ I pluck at the shirt I’m wearing, Zeke’s shirt, not my own. I thought it was sexy before, a little naughty, wearing Zeke’s sexy clothes. But now I feel like a fool. I’m not sexy, I’ll never be sexy. And why would I even try to be? I already have four kids, I don’t need another Alpha.
‘Want me to come over?’ The next message pops up and I can’t help but smile a little. Of course, he’s always worried about me, has always been. He’s so good, he’d make a great husband to Nathan.
‘I’ll be right back. Just need a breather.’ If you can call it that. My mind doesn’t seem to get any better when I’m here, doesn’t seem to be able to make much more sense of everything going on. If anything, it feels like things are getting worse.
I get up, putting my phone in my pocket, and washing my hands under the water, cooling them. Then I put them to my face, waking myself up more. Maybe that clears my head a little. When I feel like I’ve calmed down again, I leave the bathrooms, making my way back to the table.
On my way there, I run into Nathan, who stops as he looks at me, his eyes soft. “I hope I didn’t do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.” He looks serious and that reminds me of the way he talked to me yesterday, with supposed real interest.
I shake my head. “Long day.” I shrug a little.
He nods, a small smile on his lips. “Well, I just wanted to say that I think you look really good tonight. And I’d like to get to know you better. You seem like a cool guy. We should totally exchange book recommendations.”
I nod, my cheeks heating up and I have no idea how to respond to him. “Thanks?”
Nathan grins. “No problem. You go back to the table, I’ve gotta use the mens’.” He puts his hand on my arm for a moment, the spot where he touched me heating up and shooting electricity through my body, making me buzz. And then he’s walking off.
I stare after him for a moment before I turn in the direction I was already going and find Zeke at the table, looking worried.
“What’s going on?” He takes my hands, his eyes on me.
“I just...” I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Is it Nathan? Do you hate him?”
I shake my head. No, hating him would be hard, with the way he makes me feel. But it’s also scary. Having someone so interested in you can go wrong so easily, interest can turn into obsession, and obsession into… I know how that ends. I sit down in the chair, looking at my half-eaten pizza.
“If you want to leave, just tell me. Yeah? We’ll leave.” Zeke squeezes my hand for a moment.
I nod, but already know I’d never do that. I’m not going to ruin his fun and he seems to be enjoying himself. He deserves to feel happy and I’m not going to pull him down just because I’m the weird one. I start eating the pizza again, trying to keep myself busy, as I know Zeke’s eyes are still on me.
When Nathan comes back to the table, he sits down and I feel his eyes on me. “Wes, I heard that you only moved here last year. Do you feel like you’ve settled in yet? I’ve been here since early summer, and I still feel like a total stranger.”
“I guess. My brother also lives here, and Zeke showed me around the city a lot.” I smile a little, remembering some of our more silly outings. “He knows the best hideout spots and small cafes and restaurants that nobody else seems to know.” I look Zeke’s way, who grins back.
Nathan now looks at Zeke. “You grew up here?”
Zeke shakes his head, something passing over his face that always happens when he talks about his past, something that he won’t even tell me, not even after a year. “I moved here to go to college. But you need to be creative when you’re a bad cook and you’re low on money.” He grins again.
Nathan laughs now. “Yeah. I can imagine that. Well, you’re going to have to show me some of these special places, then. Sounds like they’d be worth it.”
“Definitely.” Zeke nods, his eyes shining.
Yeah, I’m definitely not going to ask him to leave. He looks so happy, he’s having too much fun.
* * *
After the main course, we all get desserts. I’ve finally relaxed a little by ignoring the fact that this is a date and just pretending that I’m out with friends. Even though I’ve never done that before, but I can imagine what it would probably be like. It helps to not feel so nervous. But it’s still not easy. Zeke is having a lot of fun and so is Nathan, and when I forget where we are, I can enjoy myself for a couple of minutes at a time too.
Then, the subject comes to families and partners and suddenly Zeke falls quiet. His eyes on me. Of all the things we could be talking about… Yeah, that’s not something I can talk about easily, and neither can Zeke, without revealing our relationship.
“Wes?” Nathan’s eyes are on me. “Did I say something wrong?”
I shake my head. “No. I ehm... I live with my older brother and his mate.” I eye Zeke, not sure if I should say more.
“Wow. Brave. For them to take you in, I mean. Even with two kids. You must have a special connection with your family.” Nathan looks seriously impressed.
&nbs
p; I ball my fists under the table, looking at the table in front of me, and then shake my head. “Their house is big, so it’s easy enough.” The truth, while avoiding his real question.
I don’t look up, but Zeke takes my hand. “We both live with them. Wes’ brother is my best friend.”
“Really? Isn’t that hard on you two? Not having a place to yourself?” Is Nathan implying what I think he is?
I finally look up, needing to see Nathan’s face, needing to see how he responds. “It works. And it makes for cheap babysitters.” Take the bait, please, stop asking questions.
Nathan nods, his eyes both curious and serious. “I guess it’s possible. I don’t know. I have no siblings.” His smile is a little sad, but then he looks at me, his smile growing again. “I’m glad that you and your brother get along so well. Well enough to let your and your—” He stops himself, eyes darting around the place. “Zeke stay at their place.”
I still. So he did mean it the way I suspected. Nathan thinks, or he knows, that Zeke and I are together. I stand up, grabbing my phone. I can’t do this, it could ruin everything. “I have to check...”
Zeke grabs my arm, his eyes on me steady. “They’re fine. Don’t worry.” He pulls me a little closer, not letting go of my arm. Then he looks at Nathan. “Wes’ brother is amazing. He’s taken us both in, even though he didn’t have to. He’s great with the kids and he’s really protective of his family.”
Nathan looks serious now, nodding. “I get it. Sorry. I was just... Trying to get to know you.” Then he looks at me. “I’m sorry. Please sit down again. I don’t mean anything bad by my questions.”
I relax a fraction and sit back down, but I keep holding Zeke’s hand. I want to get to know Nathan too, but I can’t reveal anything here. We’re too much out in the open. It’s too easy to overhear what we’re saying. And I know that not everyone will agree with Zeke and I being together. Though Nathan seems to be fine with the idea...
But if he knew the truth... If he knew why I’m living with Clay. If he knew all the other things about my past... Would he even look my way again? Would he keep looking my way, our way, again with those dark eyes of his?
And why do I care so much about that?
6. Zeke
I wish I could do something about the awkward situation going on, but I also know that Wes doesn’t want to reveal our relationship in public and we’re pretty much public right now. But I also think that Nathan doesn’t care about it, I think it doesn’t anger or upset him or anything.
I keep holding Wes’ hand, I don’t want to let him go, I want to keep him close and with me. Sometimes I don’t know if that’s just some protective instinct because I love him, or if I’ve got some Alpha in me, since I usually only like Omegas anyway. Does that make me partially Alpha? How does that even work? Especially when I also feel attracted to Nathan, an Alpha.
Nathan leans over the table, looking at the both of us. “It’s still early. I’d like to invite you to my place, if you’re feeling up for it.” He looks a little awkward but honest. I guess he can read the atmosphere well enough.
I eye Wes, who frowns again, I can see the thoughts going through his head, the different emotions on his face. He’s curious and scared and I keep seeing glimpses of the old Wes pop up, which I don’t like. Then I look at Nathan. “I’d like to.” I’d like to get to know him better and I enjoy being around him. And I think that if Wes would relax, he’d agree with me, but we can’t do that here.
Wes is quick this time, standing up, a smile on his face that doesn’t reach his eyes. “You two go have fun. I need to use the bathroom. You don’t have to wait for me.” And he’s off, hiding again, hiding his fear and pain.
It hurts. Seeing him like this hurts. I want to take that pain away from him. But he’s not just closing himself off from Nathan, he’s doing it to me too. And that’s even more difficult. I can’t get through to him when he’s like this.
“Zeke?” Nathan’s voice is soft and I turn to him. “What’s going on?”
“He...” I shake my head, trying to figure out how to even say this. “He’s been hurt, badly. And I think that he thinks that you only want to talk to me, or that he doesn’t deserve your attention. Something like that. There are just... too many things have happened to him, and it makes him scared. It’s not always easy for him.” Understatement of the year.
“How can I make it better?”
“I don’t know. I wish I could help. Really. I kind of...” I shrug. If I knew the answer to that question, I would have done it a thousand times over. “Yeah.”
“Tell me something about yourself, then.” Nathan smiles a little. “Something that not a lot of people know.”
“I’m really protective of the people I care about.” I shrug a little, smiling. I’m not giving him something without him giving me something about himself first, I already told him something about Wes that not a lot of people know.
“Fine.” He really laughs now. “Something about me...” He closes his eyes for a moment and then looks at me somewhat seriously. “I moved here to make a new start because the city I used to live in has many bad memories for me.”
I nod, then Nathan’s eyes are on a point behind me, widening in surprise.
“I don’t have two, I have four kids.” Wes’ voice behind me is just loud enough for us to hear him, but not others around us. When I turn around, Wes’ eyes are filled with fear, but also determination. “The eldest one is six, the youngest one is seventeen months.” He squeezes his lips together, something I know he does when he’s trying not to burst out in tears.
“Wes...” Nathan’s voice is soft, soothing.
“Now you know. Now you know why I’m no good. No Alpha would want someone like me.” Wes grabs his jacket, pulling it on roughly. “I’m going home. Have fun, you two.” He’s about to pass by Nathan, but the guy stands up, holding out his arm, but not touching Wes.
“Tell me more about them, please. And about you.” Nathan stands there, his eyes strong on Wes and something in my chest grows, to see them interact like that. It makes my chest grow and tighten at the same time. It makes me want to hold both of them. “I want to get to know you.” Nathan’s voice is rough.
“I’m no good. I’m sorry.” Wes looks my way.
“Neither am I.”
Wes’ eyes shoot to Nathan as he says it, surprise in them.
“We don’t have to be perfect to get to know each other.” Nathan drops his arm. “I just feel... I feel like I want to get to know you, need to.” He looks my way. “Both of you.”
Then, Wes does something I don’t expect. He nods. “Okay.” He takes a step back, his whole posture relaxing a bit. “Okay. But I’m not promising anything.”
“I’m good with that.” Nathan smiles, and then looks my way. “Let’s get out of here. My apartment is not too far away.”
Wow. That seemed almost easier than I expected. The way Nathan was able to get through to Wes, the only one who has been able to do that is me. I don’t know what I expected exactly, but this wasn’t it. Wes must have seen something in Nathan, or he wouldn’t have accepted the invitation.
I stand up, grabbing my jacket too. “Let’s do this.”
* * *
Nathan’s apartment is simple. Functional furniture and a good number of shelves, filled to the brim with books. When we get in, Nathan offers us something to drink and we step into the small living room. I sit down on the couch and Wes sits next to me, close, but not close enough for us to touch.
Nathan sits on a chair across from us, leaning back, his eyes on us curious. We’re all quiet for a while and then Nathan opens his mouth. “How long have you two been together?”
Wes jolts a little next to me and I slide my arm around his back, pulling him closer. “About a year, I think?”
Wes nods, leaning against me some. I feel the tension in his body, he’s scared. But I have a feeling that we’re all scared.
“Wes’ brother knows?”
/>
“It would be hard not to, these days. Though, we did keep it from them for a long time.” It wasn’t easy, but we felt like we had to, we didn’t want to add to all of the shit already going on. That, and it would have been inappropriate.
“How did you two meet?”
Wes stills, shaking his head. “Different question.” His voice is soft.
“Okay.” Nathan nods, I see him think it over for a while. “I assume you’ve been married, Wes?”
Wes nods. “Yes. I have.”
“Was your Alpha male or female?”
Wes takes a moment. “Male.”
Nathan nods and looks at me. “Have you?”
“No.” I take a deep breath. We’re sharing, right? “My parents had plans for me, but I went to college instead and then started working. I was promised to someone, but that fell through.” I shrug a little. Not wanting to go into that right now, it’s not really easy conversation material. “You?”
Nathan looks at the drink in his hand, then shakes his head. “No. At one point, I nearly was, but it turned out to be not what I was made to believe. That didn’t work out… She was…” His voice trails off, and he seems to retreat into his own head for a moment.
It seems like we’ve all diverted from the plans that others had set for us. We’re all defying the fate that had been set up for us before. We’re all outsiders to the world that has very set ideas about relationships and what is right and wrong.
“I was married and got pregnant right out of high school.” I’m surprised by Wes’ words. He normally doesn’t talk about this. He doesn’t like to talk about this past and definitely not about his ex. “Oliver was born nine months later. I was nineteen. From that moment on, my life revolved around taking care of my house, my children and my husband.” He takes a deep breath. “Until last year, that was all I’d ever known for the whole of my adult life. And I believed that that was all that I would ever know. That there was no way to change the life I had, no matter how bad it was. And then my brother, Clay, took me in, me and my kids, and I met Zeke and our friends. It changed everything.” There is a strength to his words that I don’t hear often.