by Jude Ouvrard
“Pregnant or not, she won’t like having a prima ballerina with a big baby bump. I’ll tell her tomorrow, and I’ll probably be fired tomorrow, too, but we have a plan B. Tomorrow night, I start at the ballet school downtown, and you know what? I’m happy about that.”
“I’m sure you will be an amazing teacher. You have it in you.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You are handling things very well, Ms. Davids.” As I kissed her temple, she squeezed my hand.
“You are too, Mr. Layne. You’re going to do great with your real estate. I know you will.”
At least one of us has faith, I thought with a wry grin. I wanted to do this, but being a real estate agent scared me. My true passion lived in my hands and my head, where I could create a design and transform it into a tattoo. The whole real estate thing was for Cassidy, and now our child, to give them the best life possible.
“Why are you so quiet right now, Kyle?”
“Just thinking. I want to make sure you and the baby will have everything you need.”
Pulling me back a few steps, she tugged me closer to her, so our fronts were touching. “I don’t want you to worry, K. A perfect life doesn’t mean diamonds and designer clothes. It means having a roof over our head, being surrounded by love, and having our health. Things we already have.”
We had such a different vision of what we both wanted. Cassidy did deserve diamonds, plenty of them. One every Christmas, one every Valentine’s Day. She was right, though; we already had everything to have a good life, and I should consider myself lucky. What with all the broken families around town, the poor and hungry, even the unhappy, rich businessmen living in their offices.
I had everything, I didn’t need more. “You’re right, Cassi. We’re happy, and I love you.”
She raised up on her tiptoes to steal a kiss from me, but a horrible noise sounded out which resonated through my body and left my hair standing on end. Cassidy’s body fell to the sidewalk. She never attempted to resist, she just fell… lifeless.
What the hell is happening?
“Fuck! HELP!” I yelled, begging for someone, anyone, to help.
More gunshots rang out, and I saw two men running toward a building. Cassidy had crumpled to the ground on her stomach, so I turned her over. She was coughing and struggling to breathe, but she was still alive for the moment. There was blood everywhere, and too much of it was coming out of her chest. Holding her, I begged her to stay with me. Not knowing what else to do, I applied pressure on her chest in hopes of stopping the bleeding.
After what had to be the longest ten seconds of my life, Cassidy stopped coughing. Then her breathing stopped, her blue eyes closed, and her movements ceased. Her hair was damp with blood, and her clothes were stained red.
“NO!” I screamed until my throat hurt. “Stay with me, Cassi.”
What the fucking hell happened? I’d had it all two seconds ago, and now, now I didn’t know. Don’t leave me. My life, which had been full of meaning mere moments before, now seemed meaningless. Without Cassidy in it—and right now, it didn’t look good—my life would be a true fucking nightmare.
“Sir? Please step away.”
I didn’t move. My soul was lost. I was crying like an orphan because my life was being ripped from me, and watching it go, hurt.
“Sergeant Eastwood, I saw men running in that direction with guns,” an old man said pointing down an alley.
Numb, I watched the policemen run after the men who’d taken the most precious gift life had ever given me. Then, a paramedic came and took her from me. In a fog, I witnessed their relentless failed attempts to bring her back to me.
Back to life.
Once I was taken care of, I had to leave, without her by my side. I was awake, but felt suspended in time. Alive, but lifeless. Dead inside.
They asked questions, and my body shook. So many questions, and while I heard them, I never answered. I couldn’t speak, or even pretend to care right now. The pain boiling my heart had paralyzed me to everything else.
What am I going to do now?
I had no answer to my own stupid question. It wouldn’t matter what the hell I did, Cassi was gone. I knew that much. The paramedic had been devoted, but from the size of her wound, there was no way my girl had survived.
Sometime later, I spoke up at last, asking if I could see her. Nothing else mattered except seeing Cassidy. Their psychiatrist could fuck off back to where he was from.
I didn’t need to talk. I didn’t even want to live. But, I signed their stupid papers then threw them across the hall.
The morgue. I hated that word.
My girl belonged in a five-star hotel, in a warm bath, not in a non-descript bag in a cold refrigerator. As the man pulled the handle, her body appeared. Pale, cold, and lifeless. All traces of blood were gone, and her hair was tucked behind her neck. I had never seen something so beautiful, yet so heartbreaking. My gaze landed on the flat plane of her belly, no longer swollen.
Our baby. I cried harder with the realization that life was gone too. I’d never hold Cassi again. Or my child. Never in my life would I replace them. Leaning over, I kissed her lips one last time but couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. It would be too real if I said the words.
This was a nightmare, one I couldn’t wake up from.
Turning around, I had no idea where to go or what to do with myself. Wandering into the waiting room, I saw Levi and Tyler, and the pity in their tired red-rimmed eyes, with my mom. Shit had just gotten real. If they looked that bad, I didn’t dare look at myself. It didn’t matter, anyway.
Nothing in my life mattered anymore.
“Kyle, man. I’m so sorry.” Levi stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms around me.
I didn’t feel anything, though. They all hugged me and promised to be there for me. If only that could make a difference in my hell. Living no longer felt appropriate.
The scene kept playing in my mind. Every single detail, I remembered. The memory affected all my senses.
Then I started to wonder what had happened to the suspects, and the policemen who’d been in pursuit. Eastwood. I hadn’t forgotten the officer’s name. Under the watchful worried eyes of my friends and family, I called the police station and asked to speak with Eastwood. When I explained who I was and what I wanted to know, the response I got was the last I’d expected.
“Mr. Layne, Officer Eastwood is there at the hospital. He was shot, too.” There was a brief pause before the dispatcher added, “He’s on the third floor.”
I hung up and searched out the next available elevator to the third floor. I left Levi, Kyle, and Mom without looking back. In my heart, I wanted to hear the suspect had been shot and died in terrible pain. The worst pain imaginable. It wouldn’t give my life back to me, but I wished them a slow painful death anyway, because they didn’t deserve a quick death or to be free.
On the third floor, I asked at the nurse’s desk for Eastwood’s room number. When I got there, the door was guarded by a security agent. My explanation must have convinced him, because it didn’t take more than two minutes before I stood at the foot of Eastwood’s bed.
He was attached to different machines, all of them beeping as they kept track of his body signals and helped him breath. I watched him resting in his bed, and cried again. Why was anybody’s guess. Maybe part of me wished it was Cassidy in that bed. Hurt, and in bad shape, but alive.
My knees gave way and I crumbled to the floor completely broken. I stayed in Eastwood’s room, where I ended up passing out on the cold, hospital floor.
This policeman went after the killers when I didn’t. Eastwood had done what I couldn’t, and I accepted that. There was no way I would have left Cassidy to die alone on that sidewalk.
I could still hear her voice. “A perfect life doesn’t mean diamonds and designer clothes. It means having a roof over our head, being surrounded by love, and having our health. Things we already have.”
I lost it.
Kyle
A couple years later…
Another day, another night. They were all the same now, all blending together. Every day the same pain, the same struggle.
What day is it? What time? I had no idea, but the vodka was pretty fucking tasty tonight.
Levi had a girl to pursue, and so did Tyler. Watching them drool over girls was making me bitter, though; I didn’t want to hang out with them. After all the years I’d known them, I’d expected someday they’d get serious and settle down, but I never thought they would want it at the same damn time, with two best friends.
I hated my life.
I had never gotten over Cassidy and still missed her something terrible. I always would.
There was a girl watching me from the other end of the bar. I didn’t know if she was playing games, but her flirting was obvious from miles away. Not that my taste could be trusted, but she was hot. Her dark hair and dark skin had something exotic. Of course, after this much vodka, almost any girl in the place could’ve led me on.
I nodded, hoping she didn’t want to talk—because I wasn’t having any of that—and she smiled. These days it all came down to sex. Why talk when I had no intention of seeing them again? No feelings whatsoever, no strings attached… just raw sex. Plain and simple.
“’Ello,” she said.
“Hey,” I answered before drinking my vodka like water.
“Wanna get out of here?” Her thick accent had me smiling.
“Of course.”
As quick as that we were outside. I followed her to her place, which was a studio of some sort. It was small, very small. She closed and locked the door behind me, and then started throwing her clothes on the floor.
Wow! Hell, she isn’t wasting time.
Her long dark hair hid her breasts as her eyes dared me to come forward. To claim her. There was something about the colors of her eyes which took me by complete surprise, though. One seemed brownish-green, while the other was just green. What the hell?
“Come on, hot stuff. Are we going to get started, or what?”
“Alright, alright.”
Once I’d taken my clothes off, she pushed me down on the mattress. “Look. I had a shite flight, and I’m exhausted. Let’s get rolling.”
This was the first time I’d been with a girl who came off colder than me. It felt different, and somehow made me unsure. She was sure of what she wanted, though.
My back pressed into her cold, black sheets while she crawled on top of me, taking charge as if I were a toy. She was chewing me up, not leaving me time to process anything or enjoy this. Karma, I guess, for all the times I’d played this same old game with women—flirt with them, fuck them, and then leave them without a goodbye. This time, though, the girl had a plan of her own, and not having anything better to do, I gave myself to her.
Several drinks past tipsy and more than turned on, I decided enough, that it was time to take back the power in her bed. After all, I’d had a rough day, too. Hell, I’d had rough days ever since… yeah, ever since I lost my soul.
Fueled by my pain, yet again, I gave her everything in me. All the roughness and lust. Turned out we had some kind of chemistry. Her dark tresses were all over the damn bed. She was a black fucking panther, a wild animal.
Why am I analyzing her so damn much anyway? I never care about who… I promised I would never care again.
Writhing and moving together, the sexual tension between us kept rising. My toes curled while my fingers gripped her hair and I worked to keep this going until I couldn’t anymore. Her once perfect bed had turned into a mess of sweat, tangled sheets, and exhausted bodies.
Who am I kidding?
This woman was something else.
Using my arm and legs, I held her in place against my chest after we’d both climaxed, until she got out of bed without saying anything.
“Who are you?” I asked, my voice laced with sarcasm. The girls I’d met were never so emotionally detached.
“Tiff. You?”
“I’m K.”
“Well, K. I’m going for a shower. It’s been real, thanks.”
Is she really kicking me out?
“Can you lock the door on your way out?”
Shit, she is.
In the middle of the night the city is dark as hell, and here I was walking home in a flabbergasted state. Over and over again, I replayed the last hour in my mind to see if I’d missed anything. She didn’t act like a regular girl.
My guess? Tiff was as fucked up as me.
The hook up confused me so much, I no longer felt the alcohol—and I’d consumed enough that it should’ve lasted me until morning. That was my usual trick. Waking up the morning after a night out forgetting reality always started well if I couldn’t remember the fucking dreams haunting my head.
My wandering landed me at Ink Me Tattoo Shop at four in the morning, where I crashed on the couch. Levi would have to be my alarm clock, because going to my apartment now would end in a disaster. I knew I should be getting over Cassidy and the baby after all this time, but my heart lost so much that day. Coping often became impossible inside the apartment.
It was time for me to move out and find someone else to rent the space. It was time for me to move on. My chest tightening, I tried holding back the tears until I became too tired.
“Fuck.”
It was the last thing I said before passing out.
When Levi came in several hours later, I rolled onto my side, pretending I hadn’t heard him. It was a shame Levi had found me asleep on his couch like this more often than I liked to admit. He never judged me or said anything about it, though. He’d remain quiet until I decided to come back from the dead zone, at which point he tended to go get breakfast and coffee. His comforting tap on my shoulder always did the trick. It let me know he was there for me.
Some people say it helps to talk, but there was nothing else to be said. They all knew Cassidy had died from an errant gunshot, but none of them knew about the baby we lost that day. None of my friends or family anyway. The police officers and the pathologist knew. And unless someone asked me for the autopsy, the secret would remain mine. Her family had suffered enough, so had our friends and my mom. Everything would be worse if they knew about the baby. Not a day had passed where I regretted my decision to keep that secret.
Once I’d pretended to sleep long enough, I pulled myself together and went upstairs for a shower and a change of clothes. Not that I really cared, but my face looked like I’d aged twenty years when I caught my reflection in the mirror.
“Looking better, Kyle,” Levi welcomed me back down in the shop with his arms wide open. His man hug said he knew I’d had a bad night.
“Thanks. I think I have to get out of here, Levi. I mean the apartment. I can’t live there anymore.”
He nodded, agreeing with me. “Yeah, and some fresh air might be good for you, too.”
“Yeah. I will.” I wanted to shake away the memories in my mind, didn’t want to remember what I was trying to escape from.
“Any area you are interested in?” Levi asked taking a bite of his chocolate croissant.
“Not too far from here. I heard there are nice lofts in the area. Could be worth it to visit some of them.”
“Definitely. I regret selling my condo, but at the time it had seemed like a smart idea.” He laughed.
Moving to New York City hadn’t exactly ended up like he’d planned, but at least we tried. Opening a shop on the other side of the country would have made our life a lot busier and hectic. At least Levi came back, though, and we got back to our daily routine. I’d hated running the place alone. I’d done it before, but Levi’s help had spoiled me.
“I’ll take a look later. See about an appointment with an agent.” Since I’d quit trying to become a real estate agent, it left me with a bittersweet feeling whenever I had business with one. In another life, that would have been me. In this life, I tattooed. And I drank.
We finished eating in sile
nce while Levi worked on his computer. Sitting at my station, I tried getting my head together about the girl I’d met last night.
“Come here. Look at this.” Levi motioned me with his hand to come closer. “I think you should hurry if you want to get one. It’s a new complex, two blocks away from here.”
My heart started racing. Can I really leave everything behind and start fresh? Seeing something with the potential of being my new home made it too real all of a sudden, and gave me anxiety. “It… it looks great,” I stammered, trying to act like it excited me more than scared me, but I knew Levi wouldn’t buy my poor acting skills.
“What’s wrong?” he asked while scrolling through the realtor pictures. “It’s a big step, Kyle, yes. But we aren’t getting any younger. It’s time you think about you a little more.”
“Shut up, you sound like my father.”
We both laughed.
“I’m serious, though. You should do something. I can go with you if you want. I’ve gone through this once.”
“Yeah, and I almost had my real estate license once… a long time ago.” Damn, I hate that bittersweet taste in my mouth. “Are you busy this afternoon?”
“Do you want to go check it out?”
I nodded.
Putting myself through this was going to suck, but I knew in the long run, it was for the best. I had mourned, hurt plenty, and hated life more than a prisoner with a life sentence. In other words, I’d had enough.
I dove back into the real estate world, which resulted in days spent under a pile of paper. The lost promises of a good life, Cassidy’s excitement at each step I had crossed, and how close I had been to getting my license drove me forward. Our plans were gone, and there was a baby I would never see or touch, but as the years had gone by, nothing about us was forgotten.
I needed a night out, and meeting Levi and Tyler at the club seemed like a good idea. So many things had changed in the past couple of days, and we had a lot to catch up on. I’d tattooed Tyler’s crush and her friend when they’d shown up at the shop. Levi had taken up with some girl named Nix, even moving into her tiny apartment with her. Sometimes, I didn’t get that guy. He had more than enough money to buy a mansion but he opted for a small place decorated like a doll house. And now, I had my moving date. One month from today. My heart tightened every time I reminded myself.