by Avery Ford
“Why were you shouting?” Eric asked, as soon as Ben was back within earshot. “I heard you all the way over here.”
“You heard?” Ben felt his stomach drop.
But maybe that was a good thing? Maybe Eric had heard the important pieces and now Ben wouldn’t have to find the words to explain as much…
Maybe?
Hopefully?
“Well, I didn’t actually hear what you were saying,” Eric shrugged. “But I heard your tone. And you sounded a little bit crazy, if I’m being honest.”
Ben sighed. So they were back to square one. He should have known better than to get his hopes up. The conversation was still going to be difficult, because that’s just how the universe worked. He couldn’t expect to catch all the breaks in one day, after all.
“I had a pretty good reason to sound crazy, in my defence,” Ben said. “But yeah… I’m sure you’ll agree that it was a shouting moment. Except you’ll probably be shouting at me.”
Eric’s brow furrowed. “That’s not a great way to start a conversation, bro. There’s something I’m going to be pissed off about?”
“I don’t know,” Ben confessed. “I don’t even know how I feel about it yet, actually. But… we need to talk about it, for sure. Like… now.”
Eric gave him a hard look for a moment, then sighed. “Fine. I need to take a water break anyway. Let’s at least go sit on the tailgate while you tell me whatever it is that’s gonna ruin my good mood.”
Ben didn’t know for sure that he was going to ruin anything, but he definitely wasn’t ruling out the possibility. He was mostly worried that Eric would think he’d been trying to go behind his back with the whole thing.
Which… technically was the truth.
But Ben never expected it to go this far. It was just supposed to be a fun thing, just to satisfy his curiosity and let him live the dream a little longer.
Now he wasn’t sure if he was living the dream or if it had become a nightmare.
“Okay,” Eric said, hopping onto the back of the truck and chugging several large gulps of water. “Let’s hear it. What’s going on?”
Ben eased himself up onto the tailgate next to his brother and looked out over the pasture for a moment before he answered. It was a sobering thought that if they agreed to the deal, all of the land they’d worked their whole lives on would belong to someone else.
He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the idea.
“So,” Ben said, finally turning his attention back to his brother. “Do you remember last week, when you were asking me if I ever thought about moving? About… just… leaving here and going somewhere else?”
“Yeah,” Eric nodded. “And I remember you shot it down before I could even get the hypothetical question out of my mouth.”
Ben stifled an eye-roll. It would definitely not be helpful to cop an attitude right now. But he did think Eric was being a little dramatic in his re-telling of the conversation. As far as he could remember, Ben had at least let Eric get the whole question out before mostly shooting it down.
“Something like that, yeah,” Ben waved his hand. The specifics of that part weren’t too important in the scheme of things. “So I started thinking about it more and more after we had that conversation, and I sort of called Carlos to get an estimate on how much we could get if we actually did sell the place.”
Ben winced as he said the last few words, knowing that was the part that was going to determine the tone for the rest of his conversation with Eric.
To his surprise, though, Eric didn’t yell. He didn’t curse. He didn’t even give Ben a dirty look.
“I’m not sure I follow,” Eric began, slowly. “You… sort of got an estimate from Carlos? Carlos Garcia, I assume? The realtor?”
Ben nodded. “Yes, that Carlos. And by ‘sort of’, I mean I did get an estimate. That was him on the phone just now getting back to me about it.”
Eric inclined his head and looked off into the distance, as if he was taking it all in. After several seconds of silence, he turned back to Ben. “And? Are you gonna tell me what he said, or are you going to keep me in the dark about that, too?”
And there it was.
But at least as far as sarcastic digs went, that had been a pretty mild one, especially coming from Eric. And, to be fair, Ben deserved at least a little bit of grief over the whole ordeal.
He just hoped that would be the end of it. They still had a lot to discuss, and they needed to come to some sort of agreement real soon.
“Listen,” Ben said, doing his best to keep his tone even and non-confrontational. He really didn’t want this to turn into an argument if he could avoid it. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it before now. But I promise you that I didn’t think it would turn out to be anything important. I thought he’d give me some low-ball number and I’d laugh and that would be the end of it.”
“But?”
“But he didn’t give me a low number,” Ben sighed. “He gave me a really, really good number. And he also told me he already has an offer on the place.”
Eric’s eyes went wide. “What? Seriously? How much?” When Ben told him the amount, Eric jumped up from the tailgate and threw his hands into the air. “What? No. You’re kidding, right? That’s…that’s not even possible, is it?”
Ben nodded. “That’s what I thought, too. But this is really happening, and Carlos needs an answer by tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Holy shit, are you serious?” Eric looked as faint as Ben had felt when the news hit him, which was reassuring in a way. At least he didn’t seem mad, so that was a plus. “What are we gonna do? I didn’t think we’d really be in a position to sell this place, bro. I mean… wow… I don’t even know what to say.”
“I don’t know, either,” Ben confessed. “But we need to figure it out. On one hand, it feels weird to even think about leaving, you know? After our family has been here for so long.”
“Yeah,” Eric agreed. “But on the other hand, sometimes it really sucks to think this is all we’ll ever do… and for what? It’s a thankless job. Neither one of us has kids or anyone to even pass the place on to. If the past couple of years has taught us anything, it’s that life is too short not to take some chances. And I’ve gotta say… this is a hell of a chance.”
“Does that mean… what I think it means?” Ben was almost afraid to say the words out loud. Was Eric really on-board with selling the place? Was it really going to be this easy? “Should I tell Carlos to go ahead with the deal?”
Eric didn’t answer right away, but Ben could tell from the look in his eyes what he was thinking. A broad smile crossed his face and he slowly nodded. “Yeah, bro. This is our chance. Let’s take it. Call Carlos and tell him to make it happen.”
Ben exhaled loudly, feeling like a hundred-pound weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.
It was really going to happen.
It was really going to be that easy.
It was almost too good to be true.
But Eric was right. This was their chance. If they didn’t take it, they might not get another one.
Now it was Ben’s turn to smile, because there was just one more person he had to share the news with.
It had been a long time since Ben had stepped foot inside Chase’s parents’ house. Not since the night of that party, eight years ago.
He smiled wryly at the memory as he walked up to the front door, remembering the way he had staggered home that night, his whole world turned upside down.
It felt a little bit like poetic justice now that he was back again, about to surprise the hell out of Chase.
“Hey, come in,” Chase said, opening the door and ushering Ben inside only a few seconds after he had knocked. “Are you okay? When you said it was urgent I got worried.”
“I’m good,” Ben said, leaning in for a quick kiss after checking to make sure Patricia and Neil weren’t in sight. “Really good, actually. I’m sorry I worried you.”
“No
need to apologize,” Chase said, grinning. “I’m just glad everything is good.” He took Ben’s hand and led him through the foyer. “But now I’m really curious about this urgent business. Come upstairs and tell me about it.”
Ben followed Chase up to his room, that weird sense of déjà vu returning. The house hadn’t changed a bit, and Chase’s room still looked almost exactly the same as it had back then. It felt a little weird to be sitting on the edge of the bed, just like he had that night.
Except this time he felt nervous for a completely different reason. And this time, he didn’t have to feel bad about sneaking a kiss from Chase.
“Okay, so…” Ben took a deep breath. “I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll just, um, cut to the important part?”
“That sounds like a good idea to me,” Chase shrugged. “But I don’t know what the important part is yet, so I’m just guessing.”
“Right, well…” God, was he really just going to blurt it out? Yep. That was exactly what he was going to do. “I talked to a realtor—remember Carlos Garcia? Anyway, I talked to him earlier, and then I talked to Eric, and, um…I think we’re selling the ranch.”
For a moment, Chase’s face was expressionless, but then it was like a switch flipped, and his eyes bulged, his mouth fell open, and he stood up from the bed. “What? No way, babe. No—is this for real? You’re selling the ranch? And Eric is cool with that?”
Ben nodded and gave a little smile. It still felt strange to say it out loud. “Yes… yes to all of that. It’s really happening. It’ll be enough money that Eric and I can go just about anywhere and do… well, we can do whatever we want to do now. I won’t be tied down to Baxter Springs anymore.”
It took another moment for that bombshell to sink in, but then Chase’s eyes got wide all over again. “Does that mean… you could maybe… oh Jesus, Ben, I don’t even wanna get my hopes up here if this isn’t what you’re thinking, but…”
“Yes,” Ben nodded, enthusiastically. “If what you’re thinking is New York, then the answer is yes, that’s exactly what I’m thinking.”
He didn’t have time to think or say anything else, because Chase had pulled him up off the bed and was doing his best to smother him with kisses while simultaneously hugging the life out of him. Ben could barely breathe, but in the best possible way.
“I can’t believe it,” Chase said, finally stepping back just enough to let Ben catch his breath. “Like… I seriously can’t believe this is happening. I’ve literally been dreaming about this, but I never thought it could actually happen. Will you come with me, then, when I leave?” Chase paused, then answered his own question. “But no, right? It can’t possibly be happening that fast… can it?”
Ben laughed. It was reassuring that both Chase and Eric so far had been just as flabbergasted as Ben was about the whole thing. None of them could seem to comprehend it all at once.
And while Ben normally might not have thought that was a good thing, it at least made it feel somehow less overwhelming to know that everyone else was just as overwhelmed.
“It’s happening fast,” Ben said. “But probably not quite that fast. Still, by the time you’re settled up there in a couple of weeks, I should be ready to follow you. You can help me find a cheap apartment and also keep me from freaking out about… everything.”
“I don’t know how much help I’ll be with that, but damn, I’m looking forward to it.” Chase crushed his mouth against Ben’s giving him a kiss that was so enthusiastic it was almost painful. “And maybe… once we’re both up there… do you think we could try this dating thing again? Except… for real?”
It was the question Ben hadn’t even dared to hope for. “You want to date me? As in—actually be my boyfriend?”
This was the kind of news that would have actually stopped Ben’s heart from beating if he’d heard it at the same time as the thing about the ranch. In fact, the thought of Chase wanting to date Ben—really wanting to date him—was still almost too far-fetched for Ben to believe.
Sure, they’d been fooling around and having fun for a couple of weeks, but that had been different.
Hadn’t it?
And Chase wasn’t even gay, was he?
There were still so many questions, and he wasn’t sure if Chase would be up to answering them, but it was worth a shot.
“That is what I want, ideally,” Chase said. “I know you had that rule about feelings and stuff, but—”
“Okay, wait,” Ben interrupted, holding a hand up. “I’m sorry, but I need to backtrack a little. This is kind of a big deal.” He paused, trying to figure out what he wanted to ask first. Might as well start with the obvious. “Does this mean you’re… gay? And does it mean you’re ready to come out? You know I don’t really do the closeted thing very well.”
“I’ve thought about that,” Chase said. “About all of that. And I don’t know if this is going to be a deal-breaker for you or not, but I’ll just be as honest as I can, okay?”
“That’s all I can ask,” Ben replied.
“I honestly don’t know if I’m gay.” Chase shrugged. “Believe me, I’ve tried to figure it out. Maybe I’m bi? I’m not even sure about that. All I know is that I’ve never wanted another man like I want you. The way you make me feel? Yeah, it’s different from anything I’ve ever felt—and that goes for men and women. I don’t know what the label for it is, or if there is a label, but I know for sure that I’m attracted to you. I want you, Ben.”
Ben felt a little bit breathless already, a little lightheaded. “No, um—no deal-breakers so far,” he said, ending with a nervous laugh.
“Well… I hope this next part isn’t one, either. About coming out… I don’t know if I can—at least not all the way?”
“O-kay,” Ben said, drawing the word out. “Can you go a little deeper with that? What does ‘not all the way out’ mean to you?”
Chase took a minute to answer, as if he might be choosing his words carefully. And Ben hoped that was the case, since it was an important topic for him. He wouldn’t pressure Chase to come out if he wasn’t ready, but Ben absolutely thought he deserved to know what Chase’s thoughts and plans on the subject were.
“It means,” Chase began, then paused again. “New York is a big place, right? So it’s not like it would really matter if anyone there knew we were dating. I think I would probably even tell Jake after a little while, once I got him warmed up to the idea, maybe.”
Ben nodded, but didn’t say anything. There were a lot of qualifiers to that explanation, and he knew Chase wasn’t finished. If Ben knew anything about the man, he was saving the unpleasant part for last.
“When it comes to the rest of my family, though…” Chase frowned. “I’m not sure. I think my parents would be okay with it eventually? Maybe? But man… they’ve been on my ass about settling down and having kids and all of that bullshit. With a woman, of course.”
“Of course,” Ben said, quietly. It already felt like he’d been punched in the gut. That last line had just poured salt in the wound.
“So, I guess the answer to your question is… I don’t know. I want to be as honest and open as possible—with you, with them, with everyone. But I’m not sure everyone is ready for that truth yet. Especially not around here.”
Ben knew he shouldn’t be taking any of it personally. He appreciated the fact that Chase wanted to be up-front and honest about what he was thinking and feeling. And he knew that everything Chase said was practical and probably for the best.
That didn’t take the sting out of the words, though.
“I understand,” Ben said, finally.
He didn’t understand all of it, but his brain could at least make sense of Chase’s reasoning. And that was… something.
“Can we talk about more exciting, happier stuff again?” Chase asked. “Like how amazing it’s gonna be having you there with me in New York. It really is the answer to my prayers, Ben. I can’t even tell you how many nights I’ve lain there i
n that bed thinking about that exact thing. It’s kind of crazy when you think about it.”
“Yeah,” Ben nodded and gave his best smile, even though he was a jumble of emotions on the inside. “It is kind of crazy, isn’t it?”
Crazy or not, though, the decision had been made. Everyone was on board. Everyone was on the same page.
There was still a lot left to do, but the dreams Ben and Chase apparently shared were one step closer to coming true.
It was almost as perfect as it could possibly be.
So why did Ben still feel like something was missing?
Chapter 19
Chase
For a long time after Ben left—hours maybe, Chase felt like he was just waking up from a dream.
An awesome dream
The best dream
And he had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t dreaming—or rather, that his dreams were finally starting to come true.
He lay in bed, his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling with a broad smile on his face. His cheeks were probably going to be permanently stuck like that, after two weeks of non-stop smiling.
His buddies in the Marines wouldn’t even recognize this happy version of Chase, just like he barely recognized that old, unhappy version of himself.
He felt like it was a whole world and an entire lifetime away. And it really was, in a way.
His life seriously couldn’t have been more different.
After all of the wishing, all of the hoping, all of the damn dreaming, he and Ben were finally going to have a shot at something real. Something that could last.
Sure, there had been a couple of hiccups. Like when he tried to explain his thoughts about that whole coming out thing. But Ben had taken that really well, it seemed.
Ben didn’t seem to be too worried about what he was going to do for work or for a place to live, so Chase would try not to stress about those things unless he had a reason to. He had plenty of his own issues if he was really looking for something to worry about.