by Hayden Hunt
“Great.” I smiled as I finished whisking all the dough ingredients together.
He was smiling, but it felt really forced. I don’t know, maybe I was imagining it. I hadn’t seen him in many years, after all. But something in his voice just seemed off.
Maybe he didn’t actually want to go tonight. But that didn’t seem right. Not only was Ethan super outgoing and always willing to immerse himself in a crowd, I’d seen on social media that he very much was still into the bar scene.
He might have really been worried about making me feel pressured. But I wasn’t at all. On the contrary, I was pretty excited to go.
I just had a feeling it was going to be a really good night.
20
Ethan
Though I enjoyed hanging out with Daniel and my family, after my grocery store trip I spent the rest of the night pretty, uh, tense.
I couldn’t stop obsessing about things going badly tonight. I knew at the store I had convinced
myself there was no harm in telling Daniel about my feelings for him, but now that the possibility was actually in my face it seemed like the worst thing that could happen.
When seven o’clock approached, me and Daniel both excused ourselves to get ready to go to the bar. We both wanted to change and do something with our hair, as we’d spent most of the evening in the kitchen helping my mom with various Thanksgiving things.
As I walked up the stairs, Daniel trailing behind me, it hit me that both of our suitcases were sitting in the guest room.
This shouldn’t have been an issue. We’d changed in front of each other plenty of times growing up. But I felt intensely awkward now that I was so attracted to him and he’d gotten to be so good looking.
If one of my friends didn’t spill my secret for me, the raging boner sticking out of my boxers definitely would.
“Is something wrong?” Daniel asked as we walked into the guest room.
“What? No, of course not, why do you ask?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, something just seems a little off about you right now. It might be in my head.”
“I’m just tired,” I lied. “It’s been a long day. I only arrived this morning so you know, with travelling all night and everything…”
“Right, yeah, makes sense. The flight took a lot of energy out of me, too. Honestly, I’m a little worried that I’m not going to be able to keep up tonight. Hopefully I don’t knock out by 8:30.”
“Oh, do you not want to go, then?” I said quickly. “If you need to sleep, we can totally just chill here.”
He smiled. “You’re so sweet to worry about me, Ethan. But seriously, I’ll be fine. I really am excited about tonight!”
“Oh, good, it should be great,” I said, trying to sound as genuine as possible.
But I wasn’t worried for him! I was selfishly worried about myself and my secret.
Without even thinking about it, Daniel stripped off his shirt and began to rummage through his suitcase to grab another one.
My heart was pounding in my chest as I stared at every muscle that rippled across his abdomen. God, he had been such a twig in high school. Not that he wasn’t cute—I’d always found him attractive—but fuck. He was a real man now. A really, really sexy man…
I tried to snap myself out of it. I was catching myself staring at him. I had to act casual. I took off my own shirt, rummaging for another one. I decided the jeans I was wearing would be fine. Mostly because I could feel an erection rising from under my jeans. I really didn’t want to expose it.
Normally, I wasn’t so easily aroused. I didn’t have a hard time or anything; I just meant I was around a lot of attractive men and I never got to the point where I was getting a boner from just looking over at them.
But with Daniel it was so different. The sexual tension in the air was palpable. At least, it was for me. I was wanting him with every fiber of my being. It was everything I could do to keep from confessing my feelings and jumping him right now.
But the embarrassment was definitely keeping that urge in line for me. Instead, I tried to make small talk as he put on his shirt. To my relief, he didn’t change his pants either. I didn’t want to get even close to seeing his cock.
“So, is there anyone in particular you’re hoping to see?”
“Not really.” He shrugged. “I’m pretty excited to see Maya, it’s been so long. But you know I wasn’t too close to anyone else. What about you? I know you see these people a lot more often.”
“Yeah, it won’t be too weird for me,” I admitted. “A lot of us stayed friends for a long time after high school. It won’t be anything like for me like it will be for you.”
He sunk onto his bed, pulling out his phone to check the time. “That seems a little awkward though, doesn’t it? Don’t you run into all your exes and stuff? This isn’t really an issue I have, so it’s hard to imagine the tension there…”
“Nah, no tension there. High school relationships aren’t even real, you know? We’ve all moved on. Plus, so many of those girls have got it in their heads that I’m gay, so none of them are offended it ended or anything—”
“Wait, why would they think you’re gay?”
Oh, shit. Why did I say that?
I had no problem telling Daniel that I’d discovered that I was bi. Actually, even if I didn’t tell him how I felt about him, I was planning to tell him this weekend. He was my old best friend, and he deserved to know what even acquaintances knew about me.
I didn’t want to bring it up like this, though. I didn’t want to say it casually like it was nothing. I wanted to have a real heart to heart, and explain to him that I never hid this from him growing up. That it was something I discovered along the way, but we had already fallen out of contact when I did…
I guess saying it casually was easier than all that, though.
“Oh, well, because a lot of them have heard that I date men so, you know.”
“Do… Do you date men?” he asked awkwardly.
“Well, yeah,” I said, as I shifted my eyes to my phone, pretending to check for a text message that wasn’t there.
“So, you are gay?” he asked.
“Not quite!” I said quickly. “I still date women too. I’m definitely not just gay. I’m bisexual, actually. But, you know, everyone thinks that just means secretly gay and afraid to admit it. It scares off a fair amount of women.”
“Wow, I—” He paused for a moment. “Sorry, I just had no idea! You’re bi, that’s great.”
“Yeah…” I said awkwardly. “Sorry I never told you before. It’s just that in high school I really wasn’t sure and by the time I had figured it out in college, we already weren’t friends so…”
“Oh! Don’t be sorry! I’m not bothered at all, just a bit surprised. That’s crazy; I never suspected you were interested in men in the slightest.”
I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn’t gauge where it was coming from. if this was any other person, I’d assume they were being awkward because they were disappointed to find out I was bi.
But that couldn’t be Daniel’s reason. He was gay himself, so he wasn’t homophobic. That wasn’t it.
I guess he was upset that he never knew? It was this huge part of me that, as a best friend, you would certainly want to be aware of. He couldn’t really be upset since we hadn’t spoken in so long, but that was the only thing I could think of that would bother him.
I hated his reaction, though. It confirmed what I had long expected… That he had no interest in me.
If he did, he’d be elated to hear that I was bisexual. If he wanted to be with me, knowing that I was interested in men would open up that door for us.
But he wasn’t elated. He was most definitely disappointed. Hell, maybe he was even worried now that he knew I like men that I might be interested in him! Which of course I was. But I’d never do anything to make him uncomfortable.
Which meant, shit, now that I knew he was uncomfortable I had to do e
verything in my power to make sure he did not find out. Which made going out tonight even more stressful.
I quickly tried to change the subject. “Are you, uh, ready to head out?”
“Yeah, definitely.” He nodded as he got off the bed and started to step toward the bedroom door.
“Are you a big drinker?” I asked him.
In high school, we had been pretty good kids. We stayed away from alcohol and partying. Not that we never went to any parties, we just managed to stay away from drinking even when we did. We were good kids.
For me, though, the whole good kid thing went out the window as soon as I turned eighteen. I immediately started exploring my boundaries and going out more. Going to parties and, eventually, bars, became my new favorite hobby.
Daniel leaving didn’t exactly help. I really started to dive into drinking because of him. It made me feel good, and it took away a lot of the depressive thoughts. Which was obviously a horrible reason to drink.
“Honestly, not so much,” Daniel answered. “I mean, I’ll have a few drinks here and there but I really hate getting drunk. I get really irrational and emotional. I hate how out of control it makes me feel. What about you?”
“Not so much these days, either.”
And that was true. I’d gotten over my alcohol phase a long time ago.
Though I was pretty sure I’d be getting fucking hammered tonight. It was the only way I was going to deal with the intense stress and awkwardness of being at the bar with Daniel and a bunch of people who knew how deeply I felt for him.
We took a cab there, which was good because I didn’t want to be responsible for driving. But we couldn’t have even if we wanted to. He didn’t have a car and my sister was going to be using mine to pick up her boyfriend from the airport.
When we got to the bar, it was jam packed. My anxiety rose as soon as I saw how busy it was. Even worse, I recognized a few of the cars. They were cars of old friends. Friends I was really hoping wouldn’t even be in town.
We stepped into the bar and were immediately greeted by a sea of faces. There were even more people from our graduating class than there usually were at these gatherings.
I got a lot of ‘waves’ and ‘hey, mans’ while Daniel went pretty much unnoticed. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone recognized him. Not until Maya popped up, that is.
“Oh my God, Daniel!” she squealed, running to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. I could tell by the tone of her voice she was already a little tipsy.
“Maya, hey, so good to see you!” he said, hugging her back.
“Holy shit, it’s been so long! Here, come, both of you! Let’s go get drinks!”
I wasn’t going to argue that. We went to the bar and Maya took the initiative of ordering us all double shots of Jack. I could see that Daniel was a little hesitant to take his, but he took it with the both of us.
“So, Daniel, what have you been up to? Where are you living now?”
“Oh, New York, actually. I work in IT over there.”
“New York as in New York City?” she squealed again. “Oh, that’s so cool! Wow, it’s like the exact opposite of here. You must love it!”
“Actually, I specifically went because it was the exact opposite of here.” He laughed.
It really was. Our hometown was the farthest thing from a big city. It was as small town as they come. Everyone knew everybody here. The restaurants and stores had been owned by the same families for years and years.
“So you like it, then? The whole city vibe?” Maya asked Daniel.
“You know, these days I’m not so sure,” he admitted. “I definitely did when I moved there; it was the exact opposite of this place and I loved it. But now? Not so much. Being here, I’m really missing the small town vibe.”
Maya nodded. “I completely know what you mean. I could never do the city thing. I hate that crowded, constantly busy feeling.”
“That’s exactly what it is.” Daniel nodded. “It feels constantly busy. I just keep thinking of settling down and having a family, and I can’t imagine raising kids in a place like that.”
Maya got this weird little grin on her face and nudged Daniel’s shoulder. “Already thinking of settling down with kids, huh?”
Daniel gave her a confused look. “I mean, no time soon. But I’m definitely at that point in my life where I’m thinking about a future family.”
She grinned again, and was about to say something else, when I felt a hand on my shoulder behind me.
“Ethan, hey! Was hoping you’d be here!”
I recognized the voice before I even turned around.
It was Zachary, a boy Daniel and I had loosely hung out with in high school. I was closer to him than Daniel was, but he was one of those friends who was around pretty often.
And one of the ones who I’d gotten closer to after Daniel left. He knew how I felt about him and he wasn’t the most careful guy.
My heart was pounding and I had my fingers crossed that Zach wouldn’t even realize who Daniel was. But of course, that was way too much to ask for.
“Danny, is that you?” Zach asked, slapping him on the shoulder.
“Hey,” he said and smiled politely, “sure is.”
“Man, I never thought I’d see you in this town again!” he said, laughing. “How long has it been?”
“Years.” Daniel nodded, somewhat awkwardly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since high school.”
“He’s staying at Ethan’s for Thanksgiving!” Maya piped up excitedly.
Oh, damn it, why did she have to say that? He was definitely going to make some joke about the two of us being together now.
To my surprise, he didn’t, though. He looked at both of us, smiled, and just softly said, “that’s great” before offering to buy another round of shots.
It was another double shot he ordered. After that drink, I was starting to feel a buzz going. And Daniel definitely did too. It was obvious he had no tolerance for alcohol; he might have actually been drunk already.
“Hey, you guys wanna play some pool?” Zach asked.
“Sure!” Daniel said excitedly, seeming a little more comfortable with the situation. “Let’s do it!”
But I was only growing less and less comfortable as the night wore on.
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