“That’s not really surprising,” Reuben said. “I expected you would be picky—in a good way.”
“What’s going on in there? And isn’t it a little late for them to have coffee?” Hannah asked, not sure she wanted to share the fact that she was actually sad about Lance’s rejection, that being picky was only part of it.
“Well, first of all, it’s decaf,” Reuben said. “And it’s Mrs. Schneider’s birthday. She said the other day that she missed having coffee dates with her friends more than anything, so it’s a coffee date.”
“That’s really nice of you,” Hannah said, noticing that the woman in the middle was holding a mug that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY!, each letter a different color. “Really nice.”
“Listen, I want to talk to you about Richard,” Reuben said, lowering his voice. “I’m glad I caught you before you go in. He hasn’t been talking much. It’s been over two weeks since he spoke to the larger group, and they miss it. I mean, it isn’t that he has to do it for them, of course, but I wonder what’s going on with him. It’s like he has just tuned out. I think it’s time we talk seriously about an antidepressant. And there’s something else.”
“What is it?”
“You may or may not know this, but Joel hasn’t been here at all in the last ten days. It could be longer. I keep hoping I’ll see him so we can talk about the medication. I asked the staff to find me when he comes. But he just hasn’t. Do you know why?”
Hannah was shocked. It was true that their personal lines of communication were bordering on nonexistent, but she’d just assumed he was visiting Richard as he usually did.
“Do you think that’s why Richard is being so quiet?” Hannah asked.
“I don’t know,” Reuben said. “Maybe.”
Just then there was a banging on the inside of the window. They both looked to see a woman holding up her empty coffee cup. It seemed rude, Hannah thought, until she realized that the woman was in a wheelchair. Actually, now that she looked at everyone, they all were, so she guessed they needed Reuben.
“I have to go,” he said, not sounding annoyed at all. “I have a coffee date to facilitate.”
Hannah looked at him, really looked at him. He was tall, with brown eyes and thinning brown hair. His yarmulke was askew and held on with a clip. His cheeks were just slightly rosy. Mostly, though, he was just so easy to be with. Really, it was a relief when she was with him.
“Hey, do you want to go to the movies with me?” she asked. It just came out. “I mean, here’s the thing, I started out by going on these completely random dates. They’re ridiculous, really—I might as well have been stopping people on the street and asking if they would meet me for a drink. So because the dates were consistently so awful—I mean, in some cases I knew within the first five minutes that I didn’t want to spend another second with the person—anyway, because of that, I was home in less than an hour, always early. Which was good because the kids’ routine wasn’t disrupted, but Joel knew it, and I didn’t want him to think it was so hard for me to find a date. He found one pretty easily. Then recently I went on a less random date, and I might have actually liked him, but in the end he wasn’t interested in dealing with the drama, so that leads me back to the random dates, and I just don’t know if I want to do that anymore. If we go to the movies, at least I’ll be out longer. It will give me some time to figure out my next step. What do you think? Can you go? Maybe one night this week? Or next?”
There was another loud banging on the window. Reuben looked toward the conference room, then back at Hannah.
“I think there’s a new Star Wars movie out,” she said. “No, that won’t work—the kids will want to see that. I can see what’s playing at the Ritz.”
Hannah glanced into the conference room. All the cookies were eaten, and one of the women was trying to wheel herself over to the coffeepot. The room was so small, though, and the wheels of her chair kept getting stuck on the wheels of another chair. She backed up and tried again. So far she had moved about an inch.
“You better go,” Hannah said. “Think about it.”
“I don’t have to think about it,” Reuben said. “I’ll go. Why not? How’s Tuesday? That’s the one day I have off that I can usually depend on. And I’ll check the listings. I have your cell—I’ll text you.”
Hannah smiled. “Great,” she said. Tuesday seemed so far away. She would be happy when it got to be Tuesday. Monday was her birthday, and she was dreading it. It was hard not to think about the surprise party that wouldn’t be and everything else. “That would be perfect. It’s actually the day after my birthday.”
“I love birthdays,” he said, gesturing toward the conference room as if that were proof. “We can keep the celebration going.”
“I don’t know about that,” she said. “But I do know I’ll be happy when it’s over. Thanks for wanting to go with me.”
She turned to walk to Richard’s room, and as she did, she heard Reuben say, “I’m back, ladies, sorry about that. I just had to take care of something important.”
The main room was quiet as she moved through it. Richard’s door was half-closed, so she pushed it open. He was in bed, propped up, dozing. She felt something in the pit of her stomach.
“Hey,” she said. It took him a second to open his eyes and look at her. “Did you get the newspapers yet today?”
“No, I told them not to bring them anymore,” he said, sounding croaky. “What’s the point?”
“What do you mean? You always like to keep up with the news of the day. You have to.”
“Why do I have to?” he asked seriously. “It goes on whether I pay attention to it or not.”
“Well,” Hannah said, not sure how to respond. That was true. That was always true, she guessed, once he’d stopped anchoring the news. “But still, you know, to be informed, to keep people here informed. It’s all important.”
“Bah, humbug,” he said.
“Do you want me to help you get dressed? Or call one of the nurses? I can take you out to the main room. It’s quiet out there. I know people would love to see you, hear what you have to say.”
“Not today,” he said, not looking at her. “And I have nothing to say.”
“You have a lot to say, Richard,” Hannah said. When he didn’t answer, she asked, “Has Joel been here?”
Now he moved his eyes right to her so he was looking at her, almost through her. It took a long time for him to answer.
“Sometimes people look outward, and sometimes people look inward, and it’s hard to know which is doing good and which is doing harm. One obstructs the other.”
Hannah let that sit for a minute. What the heck was he talking about? Was he finally talking about his marriage? She tried to will back the tears she felt burning behind her eyes. It was at a time like this that she missed Joel more than ever.
“What do you mean, Richard?” she asked. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Never mind,” he said, sounding irritated. “Just never mind.”
“Well, has Joel been here at all?”
“Why don’t you know the answer to that yourself?” Richard asked, his voice angry. “Don’t you live in the same house? Don’t you talk to each other?”
“Well, yes, of course,” Hannah said. “But you know how it is: the kids always need something, we’re both working, it’s really busy. So I just assumed I was coming at my usual times and he was coming at his.”
“Don’t you talk about me?” Richard said, sounding like a little kid and a pompous professor at the same time. “Don’t you compare notes?”
Hannah realized that they had not, in a long time. They used to, but that was another casualty of this mess. She shook her head.
“I guess not as much lately,” she said. “But not because we don’t want to. Not because we aren’t thinking about you. It’s just been more hectic than usual. We’ve been more distracted.”
Richard looked at her and pursed his lips. She could see an oil stain o
n his pajama top and wondered how long he had been wearing it. Had he been eating meals in bed?
“Well, if you must know,” Richard said. “I told him not to come.”
Hannah felt like she had to concentrate to steady herself. That was the last thing she’d expected.
“Why?” she asked.
“I just don’t want to see him,” Richard said, turning away.
“But,” Hannah said, “you always want to see him. I don’t understand.”
“Ask him,” Richard said. “Maybe he has more to say than I do. I’m tired. I appreciate your coming, I really do, but I want to rest now. Is that okay?”
“Yes, of course,” Hannah said, standing and patting Richard on the arm. She noticed that his skin looked papery and dry. “I’ll try to come back tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Richard said. “That would be nice.”
She forced herself to leave, walk back through the lounge and toward the door. She wasn’t even thinking about Reuben as she moved past the conference room, but he saw her and scooted out the door.
“Hey, sorry I had to run before. How’s Richard?”
“Not great, quiet, and he said he told Joel not to come visit. I have to figure out what’s going on. And I’ll talk to Joel about the antidepressant.”
“Okay, yes, please keep me posted. I’ll check in on him as soon as the coffee date is over. I’ll spend some time with him, maybe play some cards.”
“That would be really great.”
“Have a good day, Hannah,” he said.
She nodded and walked toward the exit, wondering if he had forgotten about the movie invitation. But as soon as she stepped out onto the porch, she heard her phone ping with an incoming text.
It didn’t seem like I should mention it just now, but I’m looking forward to the movie! Next to his words was an emoji of a box of popcorn. She texted back a thumbs-up, because really what else was there to do?
There was nobody out on the porch, so she took a seat in one of the white plastic rocking chairs. She had a lunch meeting today; the plans were moving ahead, and she had to prepare, not be distracted. This was what she had always wanted—to head a project like this, one that dealt with a hotel’s interior and amenities, all the things she loved. It was the sort of thing she would talk endlessly to Joel about. Half the time she suspected he probably didn’t listen, but the act of saying it out loud helped her work through it. Now there had been none of that. She hadn’t even told him yet that she had officially accepted the position. She dialed his number.
“Hi,” he said immediately. She closed her eyes for a second and pretended things were as they used to be, that his voice was her safe place, her comfort zone. Then she opened her eyes, shook her head, and forced herself to sound slightly cold, reminding herself she was not calling for any reason other than Richard.
“Hi,” she said. “I just left your dad. He’s acting strange, and I hear you haven’t been there in over a week.”
“It’s true,” Joel said. “I haven’t been.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Han,” he said. “It’s hard to know what we can talk about these days. To be perfectly honest, I’m a little afraid of you.”
Good, she thought.
“He also said that he’s the one who told you not to come,” she said.
“Also true,” he said.
“Well, you have to fix this,” she said, exasperated. “Sometimes the child has to be the parent. I saw Reuben. He thinks it’s time to talk seriously about an antidepressant.”
“I was thinking the same thing. Listen, I’m around the corner, at the Oregon Diner,” Joel said. “Can you come meet me? Please?”
It was literally a block away. If she could see through the building next to her, she would be able to see it.
“What?” she said. “Why?”
“I like it here,” he said quietly. “It’s the closest I can get to my dad without ignoring his request. I can almost see his window from here if I look really hard, through that one tall tree.”
“That’s creepy,” she said.
“Yeah, well,” he said. “Come meet me. Please come. I’ll order for you. I want to see you, to sit with you. Please.”
Her plan had been to go home, change, and do more research about locally focused hotels. She had heard about one in Lewes, Delaware, and she wanted to know more about it, to be able to talk specifics. But she had dressed nicely enough that if something prevented her from going home first, she would be okay; it wouldn’t be a disaster. She could do this, for Richard.
“Fine,” she said. “I’ll be right there.”
When she got to Oregon Avenue and saw the diner in front of her, the place where they often went as a family, she felt so angry all over again. She could see him sitting in the front window, waving. She thought about giving him the finger and walking away. That would feel good, for about three minutes. Then it would feel really bad, the way almost everything did these days. Instead she crossed when she had the light, walked up the ramp to the front door, and took a deep breath, smelling the diner coffee, which then reminded her of Reuben.
Joel had gotten up from the booth and was walking toward her.
“I’m so glad you came,” he said, touching her arm and then pulling his hand back.
“I almost didn’t,” she said. “And I didn’t come for you. I came for Richard.”
“I know,” he said. “Come on, your food just got here.”
She followed him to the booth. There was a plate of barely touched scrambled eggs and toast at his place. She had noticed he looked especially thin lately and not in a particularly healthy way. He gestured toward her spot, and there was a waffle waiting for her. It was exactly what she would have ordered for herself. She sat down. She was starving.
“Thank you,” she said grumpily.
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for coming.”
“So what’s the deal?” she said, pouring the maple syrup. It felt too easy to be with him. She had to be careful. “With Richard, I mean?”
“I’ve been coming here every morning,” Joel said quietly. “Well, since my dad told me not to come. I keep thinking I’ll go in, see if I can change his mind, but you know him. He’s so stubborn. There is no changing his mind.”
“Well, why did he tell you not to come?” she asked. “I mean, that’s the question. He loves to see you more than anyone. He never thinks you come enough. I feel like all my family members are acting the opposite of the way I would have guessed. I don’t like it.”
She took a quick sip of water, feeling she was giving in somehow by sitting here and indulging in the meal Joel had ordered for her. She wondered if she was always going to feel this way. If that was true, it would be impossible to stay married.
“I told him,” Joel said, looking down. “I told him about what I did.”
Hannah put down her fork and worked hard to swallow the big piece of waffle she had just put in her mouth.
“You told him?”
“Yes,” Joel said. “Actually, I told him before. Before you found out.”
“Oh my God,” Hannah said. “Oh my God, so he knew, and I was just the idiot? When did you tell him? Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. I sat there acting like the stupid wife, doing my duty, holding up the family, and the whole time he knew! He must have thought I was so stupid.”
“No. Not at all,” Joel said. “You are completely misunderstanding this. That wasn’t it at all. That’s the last thing he would think. Remember what I said in Dr. Snow’s office, about my mother? I thought, I don’t know, I thought he could help me.”
Hannah had the strongest feeling that she had to get out of there. That if she sat there and kept talking to Joel, it would all be lost somehow, all of it—her affair but ultimately their marriage. Plus, every chance he got, Joel asked to go back to Dr. Snow. They hadn’t been in weeks, not since they’d sat in the parking lot and hadn’t gone up, not since Hannah had started
to go on dates. It seemed to Hannah that seeing her again should come after this phase, not during. One thing did not support the other, at least not in her eyes.
“I can’t talk about this now,” she said, scrunching up her napkin and putting it on the table.
“No, please,” he begged. “I thought we were getting somewhere.”
She looked at him.
“Where we are getting,” she said meanly, “is that the more time goes by, the more unhappy I become. Did you hear me? Unhappy. In the true sense—I feel its essence. Do you have a dictionary so we can look up that word? Or was that just for when things were good, when they were easy?”
“Please,” Joel said, the color draining from his face.
“I’m going,” she said. “I have a meeting, and I don’t want to be late for it. Also I don’t want to appear unprepared. I took the job, by the way.”
“Good,” Joel said, and he sounded like he meant it. “You’ll be great at it.”
She stood, looking at him. She thought of that moment in St. Elmo’s Fire, her absolute favorite movie from the 1980s, when the Judd Nelson character was lurking in the apartment as Allie Sheedy’s character came to pack up her things after finding out he’d had flings with other women. He threw the ball he was holding across the room and lamented about wasted love, wishing he could get it back. So much wasted love, Hannah thought, as the line from the movie ran through her mind. And God, she just wished she could get it back.
Before she was too far away, she turned back toward Joel.
“I think it’s definitely time to put Richard on an antidepressant. Can you be in charge of that? Can you call Reuben?” Hannah said.
Joel nodded.
“At least then we’ll be taking care of someone.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Halfway through Hannah’s meeting, Reuben texted her.
La La Land is playing at the Ritz East! Tuesday at 7:10?
They were in the middle of a discussion about soap and, while they were at it, shampoo and conditioner.
“This is an old pet cause of mine,” Hannah had just said. “But I think we should absolutely have refillable containers in the showers of shampoo and conditioner, very nice, decorative—possibly glass if we can do it safely—containers. Maybe we can have the glass bottles made locally; I know there are some glassblowing studios around.”
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