Before Shaun, his existence had been simple. He’d been a weapon; point and shoot. Now, he was master of his own destiny.
A sigh escaped her lips and he straightened in his chair. The nightmare was coming. It always started this way, quiet and soft, like a pleasant dream. He’d asked her about it once, but she’d shaken her head and cuddled into his chest so they couldn’t sign.
Normally, he would’ve insisted she talk to him, but he didn’t want to push her to the breaking point. She was fragile, vulnerable, and too easily broken. He shoved a hand through his hair and leaned forward in his seat, elbows on his knees as he watched her face.
He wished he could take her away. Give her a few days of peace without the constant pressures of a new and massive household, a mafia empire, and a fiancé with too many demands on his time to give her what she needed. It was a bad time for a vacation, though. The worst. The Bratva, his enemies, his allies, they were watching his every move; waiting for the moment he fucked up so they could pounce. Jozef wouldn’t give up his position without a war, which meant he needed to be present, every step he made carefully choreographed.
Then an idea struck him. A very stupid one that he nearly rejected out of hand. He knew a place he could take her. A place he needed to visit anyway. Two days wasn’t much. They could get there without anyone on the estate knowing until they were already gone.
Shaun would love it. The area was peaceful.
He shook his head. No, too risky.
A moan slipped from her, and she tried to lift her arm. The blanket trapped it. He carefully lifted the blanket, and she flung her arm out, nearly hitting him. He smiled grimly and gently took her proffered limb, caressing the silky smooth ebony skin.
Fitzy stood, stretched and walked to the end of the bed where he could watch over his mistress from a safe distance.
Shaun’s brow wrinkled as though a fly were buzzing around her head. Except this one was on the inside. Slowly her frown melted into an expression of panic and she opened her mouth to scream.
It was time.
Jozef climbed onto the bed with her, gathering her against his chest. He wrapped one hand around her head and held it against his chest so she could hear his heartbeat as she woke up. It seemed to help calm her.
Shaun was a heavy sleeper, which made waking her up more difficult. Jozef had learned to let her come out of it mostly on her own, with a little help. He would be there to comfort her when she woke up completely.
Her cries grew progressively louder, shattering his heart with each one. It was at these moments that his guilt became nearly overwhelming. He could have left her behind, left her to continue a life of her choosing, rather than dragging her into a family drama that would lead to this moment. To the breakdown of a tough, beautiful and talented woman.
Her cries grew in crescendo until she was screaming, her mouth opening and closing, tears pouring down her cheeks, her eyelids screwed up in terror. He tipped her against his chest and pressed her face to his shirt, allowing her to soak it with her tears.
Finally, he coaxed her awake. He tilted her head, looking down at her as her eyes fluttered open, revealing her bright tear-flooded golden eyes. She blinked up at him until recognition registered in her expression. She gasped and tried to sit up, pushing away from him.
He’d tried to hold her down before, force her to accept his help, but he’d quickly learned that if he held on to her while she was waking from a nightmare, she would become panicked and start thrashing.
She shoved away from him and sat up on the side of the bed, taking big gasping breaths.
Jozef picked up the glass of water he’d refilled after sitting down to watch her. She reached for it and took thirsty gulps until she was calmer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, handing the glass back.
Once she’d realized they were falling into a pattern, she’d gotten used to accepting his help. She didn’t like it though. Didn’t like the idea that she was keeping him up, though he’d assured her he was up with work anyway. She always apologized for her night terrors, and it alternately pissed him off and made him want to try harder to protect her.
Once she was fully awake, he pulled her against his chest and she collapsed gratefully against him. He buried his nose in her hair, which was warm from her heavy sleep. It smelled like her special brand of shampoo and the orange blossom body spray she used.
As she lay shuddering and breathing against him, he made the decision. They were going to do it; they were going to take off for a few days. It was a stupid plan and a terrible decision, but he couldn’t think of anything else. They needed to get away from the mansion, away from the memories, they needed to sort themselves out and then come back stronger.
After Shaun calmed down, he set her away from him and looked her over. He used the edge of his thumb to wipe away the tears that lingered.
She gave him a shaky smile and signed, thank you.
She’d been using sign language when it was just the two of them, especially at night when she woke up from her nightmare. It wrapped them in a special bubble of silence together.
You’re still having nightmares.
She nodded, then shrugged. My counselor says it’s normal after a trauma.
A trauma that I’m responsible for.
She reached for his face, cupping his cheeks. She slowly and deliberately shook her head, then dropped her hands to sign, you are not responsible for the actions of your family. You did nothing to provoke them. They made the choice to attack us, and they bear all the responsibility.
Jozef smiled grimly and lifted her hand to kiss the fingers. He didn’t argue with her, he couldn’t. She was so sure she was right and she needed his support, not his reality. The truth was, he was completely responsible.
Mafia families handled their own. While an individual could bear responsibility for his or her own actions, the head of the family bore the most responsibility. When Dasha attacked Shaun at the restaurant, it was up to Krystoff to respond to her infraction. Krystoff had made the choice to attack Jozef and had died in the attack, making Jozef head of the family. Jozef now bore responsibility for everything that’d happened.
Shaun lived in a world of black and white fairness. Either a thing was fair or it was not. Jozef didn’t have the luxury of living in her world.
I want to take you away for a few days. We’ll go to a cabin in the woods. No bodyguards, no worries.
Her face lit up and when she signed back, her words were so jumbled it took him a moment to realize what she was saying. Really? Can we really? What about security? What about your enemies?
Jozef chuckled and squeezed the tips of her fingers as her hand flew past him while she was wildly signing.
Leave it to me. We’ll slip away before anyone can notice. I’ll let H-A-V-E-L know once we’re on the road.
Is it dangerous? she asked, but the excitement remained bright in her eyes.
Jozef thought about it. He had an ulterior motive for taking her away. He’d needed to visit this cabin for a while but had put it off. Was now really the right time for this meeting? He shouldn’t be taking Shaun with him, but she needed to get away, and he needed to make the trip.
Her excitement tipped him over the edge and he shook his head. It’s not dangerous, but even if it were, I’d be there to protect you.
She grinned at him. Can we go now?
Jozef was about to tell her no, then he thought about it. Why not? If they decided to go and then just went, his people would be none the wiser until they were well away from the area. Leaving in the darkness of night with no one knowing was the safest way to go.
He grinned back at her. Let’s do it.
Her eyes widened and she threw her arms around his neck, squeezing. His heart jumped at the contact and he hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around her and hugging her back.
They hadn’t had sex in weeks. Not since the attack. Jozef had been busy with work and Shaun was too traumatized. Or so
he assumed. He didn’t want to push her and hadn’t initiated any sexual contact. Shaun hadn’t either.
He was feeling the strain, though. When she was near, or when her scent lingered around him, he would get an uncomfortable erection that didn’t go away until he either took a cold shower or thought about something deeply unsexy for a prolonged period of time.
Maybe some time away from the mansion could reboot their sex life too.
Shaun shoved away from Jozef and headed to her closet. “What should I bring?”
When she looked back at him, he signed, bring warm clothes, enough for two or three days. We’ll be deep in the woods. We’ll need to hike part of the way in.
She grinned and nodded, before going into the closet and coming out with a suitcase that was much bigger than what Jozef had imagined she would need. He watched in amusement as she filled it with every unnecessary thing she would never need in the place he was taking her. He barked with laughter when she folded an evening gown into the case.
She laughed as well, but defended herself, “What if we go out for a fancy dinner? You bought me a closet full of clothes and I plan on using them.”
Chapter Six
They snuck out of the mansion like two teenagers creeping around under the cover of darkness. Jozef carried their bags down to his Bugatti and packed them in the trunk, then came back for Shaun. She giggled when a night guard was passing through the halls and Jozef shoved her into an alcove, his hand over her mouth.
Of course, the guard saw them. He moved along quickly though, his expression blank. It wasn’t up to him to have an opinion about what Shaun and Jozef got up to. If their kink was creeping around the mansion and making out in alcoves, that was nobody’s business but theirs.
Jozef held a finger up to her lips. Shaun crossed her eyes and licked his finger.
Jozef chuckled and pulled her out of the darkened corner. Together they ran down the stairs and headed for the garage. There was another night guard who looked startled when they streaked by him.
“Mr. Koba, Dr. Patterson!” he called after them. “Do you need assistance?”
Shaun spoke for both of them. “No, thanks!” she yelled over her shoulder. “We’re just checking on something. No need to come with us. Have a great night!”
Jozef whisked her into the garage before the guard could say anything else. Shaun was laughing hysterically by the time they were buckled into their seats. He revved the engine like a racecar driver as the garage door lifted, then shot forward as soon as he could, taking the curves of the driveway with a roar of his engine.
They approached the guardhouse at the gate. Jozef gave his men a sign that he wanted the gates opened. They tried to talk to him, but he refused to open the window, making the sign again. Finally, they had no choice but to open the gate.
As they raced toward the highway, stars and streets streaking past them, Shaun let out a whoop of joy. “Freedom!”
Jozef grinned at her and floored the Bugatti when they reached the highway.
“We need music,” she announced, reaching for the stereo.
Before she could choose a track, the mechanical voice of an incoming text came through the speaker.
Where the fuck do you think you’re going? The text belonged to Havel.
Shaun slapped a hand over her mouth to cover her laughter. Poor Havel. Since Shaun had come into Jozef’s life, Havel’s had become dramatically more difficult.
Jozef reached out to text back, but Shaun slapped his hand away. “I’ll do it, you keep your hands on the wheel.”
She typed into the dash, we’re fine. Going on vacation for a few days. No need to come after us.
Tell Jozef to turn around now. We need to talk before you take this so-called vacation.
Shaun and Jozef both laughed and Jozef shook his head. Havel had quickly deduced he was talking to Shaun. She supposed everyone had a particular texting style but was impressed with Havel’s ability to tell who was texting him in the middle of the night when he’d likely been woken from a sound sleep.
Shaun texted: Take care of yourself. We’ll be back soon!
She blocked any more text messages from coming through, chose a playlist from Jozef’s phone that seemed fitting for a road trip and relaxed into her seat.
Just leaving the mansion and grounds lifted her spirits enormously. She finally felt good about something. She would call her mother in the morning and explain, in case anyone mentioned Shaun and Jozef’s wild escape to her. Shaun knew her mother would understand and probably encourage them.
Shaun and Jozef had known each other for a year and a half, yet they hadn’t established any kind of normal. It was time to take back their lives, even if it was only for a few days.
After a few hours, Shaun fell asleep, curled on her side on her reclined seat. She’d offered to drive, but Jozef had given her a horrified look that eloquently spoke to his thoughts of her driving his precious Bugatti.
“I’m an excellent driver!” She’d laughingly protested.
He’d given her another skeptical look and refocused on the road.
Shaun had taken his dismissal as permission to sleep, so she’d made herself as comfortable as possible and snatched a few hours of sleep. When she woke, she felt oddly refreshed, a feeling she hadn’t had since the night Krystoff died.
She blinked and covered her face with her hands to escape the bright sun pouring in through the windows. Sitting up slowly, she lowered her hands, looking around in confusion. She remembered their wild ride through the night, racing up the highway, and she remembered texting Havel.
The car was stopped, and Jozef was nowhere in sight. Panic swelled in her chest, but she forced it back, taking several deep breaths.
“He wouldn’t leave you alone,” she mumbled to herself, scanning the area through the windshield.
They were in a large parking lot with a sprinkling of other vehicles. Next to the parking lot was a highway where cars were flying past. There was a building with a large sign announcing washrooms and food. Jozef must’ve gone inside.
Shaun had to pee and the longer she waited, the more urgent her situation became. She chewed on her lip and pondered her dilemma, finally deciding that Jozef would figure out where she went.
She jumped out of the car, slammed the door shut and ran for the washrooms. She finished quickly, wanting to get back to the car before Jozef noticed she was missing. Flushing the toilet, she opened the stall door and let out a startled scream.
Jozef was standing on the other side, his arms crossed over his chest, his brow lowered in a thunderous frown. His eyes scanned her from head to foot, then he jerked his head in a nod toward the door.
“I have to wash my hands.”
He waited impatiently for her to clean up. She splashed water on her face and did what she could for her hair before accompanying him back to the car. As they walked across the lot, he made his displeasure at her disappearance clear.
You don’t leave my sight when we are on the road, understood? His signs were sharp and jerky.
Shaun responded, contorting her face in a frown to emphasize her own signs. You were the one who left my sight. What did you expect me to do, pee in the car?
He looked so horrified by the idea that Shaun had to stifle a laugh. I expected you to wait for me, he signed. I didn’t think you would wake up. You sleep like the dead. You were safe in a locked, bullet-proof car, but I can’t take care of you if I don’t know where you are.
A shiver ran through her. It was too soon to be mentioning the dead. It stole some of the warmth from their day.
Noticing her change in mood, Jozef stopped next to the car and pulled her against his chest, running his hands down her back, tracing her spine until her shivers of fear turned to shivers of pleasure. He gave her a lingering kiss.
It will get easier. The nightmares will stop and you will move past this.
“How do you know?” she whispered.
Because it happened to me. I used to ge
t nightmares from the things that I saw and the things that I did. It will always stay with you, but you’ll learn how to handle the worst and move on.
She licked her lips and nodded, though she didn’t entirely agree with him. They were two different people, with two very different upbringings. Violence had been a peripheral in her life until she met Jozef, whereas he’d been immersed in a violent mafia world his entire life. As a child, his brain would have been formed by the world around him, making him better able to cope. Some of his coping mechanisms weren’t exactly healthy, though. Their argument was case in point. Jozef couldn’t allow Shaun out of his sight because he feared something would happen to her. That level of constant anxiety wasn’t good for a person.
She turned to open her door, but Jozef grabbed her arm and pulled her back around.
Please don’t leave my sight again, he signed. I will do a better job of caring for your needs, but I have to know that you’ll be where I left you. Catching her frown, he shook his head. I’m not trying to lock you away from the world. I’m worried about your safety. I would feel the same for anyone I loved. I feel the same for my cousins.
His face twisted in grief as he mentioned his family. They hadn’t talked about Leeza or Saskia since the attack. Both women had escaped the fallout and were in the wind.
Shaun was fairly certain Jozef was searching for them, but they’d avoided speaking of the two women. Shaun wasn’t sure she wanted to know what he had planned. If he told her he had to kill his cousins, Shaun didn’t know what she would do. Actually, that wasn’t true. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stay with him if he targeted two innocent women. And because she knew that about herself, she buried her head in the sand. For a few weeks, anyway. Once they returned from their trip, they would have a conversation.
Shaun nodded in response to Jozef’s plea and signed, I’ll do my best to keep you informed of my movements. You need to be patient, though. This is all still relatively new to me. Back home, I could come and go as I pleased.
Goodnight, Sinners (Sinner's Empire Book 3) Page 4