Bear to Love: Kodiak Den #3 (Alaskan Den Men Book 8)

by Amy Lamont

  But maybe I’d been right before. Maybe there really was something wrong with me. Why else would my mates think running back to the horrors that left them broken was a better alternative than staying here and fighting for us?

  Only when something warm and wet hit the hand covering my mouth did I realize I was crying.

  “Macy?”

  I looked up to see Kaden standing outside his office at the end of the hallway.

  Crap. Kaden’s questions and accusations were the last thing I needed right now. Even as I had the thought, my bear reared up with a roar. She remembered all the words Kaden hurled at us this morning. Words that pushed my mates to consider going back to hell rather than stay here with me.

  The anger, the fear and the hurt churning through me formed a giant ball in my chest, so painful I couldn’t contain it another second. As it broke wide open, my eyes blurred with hot tears that came too fast for me to stop them. I didn’t trust myself to speak to Kaden right now without getting violent, and I couldn’t face Nash and Gage with their words still ringing through my head.

  There was only one thing I could do. I whirled and ran as fast as my legs would carry me. Tears streamed down my face and I Kaden yelled my name out, the sound of his boots hitting the floor in a flat out run pushing me to race out the door and slam into my truck.

  I backed up without really looking, lucky I didn’t hit anything as my tires sprayed up dirt and gravel. As I turned onto the road, I checked my rearview mirror to see Kaden, Nash and Gage crash out the into the parking lot. Kaden stood staring after me, but Nash and Gage didn’t waste a moment getting to Nash’s shiny, black SUV.

  I ran the back of a hand over my cheeks, my movements jerky, and once again pressed my foot harder on the gas pedal. My bear roared as I did my best to outrun the people who seemed determined to cause me pain.

  I drove aimlessly for a little while, avoiding all my usual spots. My thoughts tumbled and turned until I thought I’d lose my mind. At the forefront of everything was the idea that Nash and Gage might go back into the military and leave me behind.

  That thought sent such piercing pain through my chest, I struggled to catch my next breath. I might have only just realized they were my mates, but even with only a few days together I couldn’t imagine being without them. How could I survive without my mates?

  I stared out the windshield and found myself driving past Pierson’s, a sporting goods place on the very edge of town. The sight of it made me remember Deacon Pierson, the owner, had called me earlier in the week to let me know he had some old towels and blankets and some food he’d collected for the shelter. I might as well stop in and get them now. Nobody would be looking for me there.

  If they were even looking for me instead of running off to join the Army. Hell, they could be halfway to the Middle East right now. I pulled my visor down to check how big a mess I looked, rolling my eyes at my own ridiculous, childish thoughts.

  “The only one who ran anywhere was you,” I told my reflection. I did my best to wipe away the tear tracks and smears of makeup under my eyes. With a sigh, I flipped the visor up. I’d done the best I could.

  “Hi, Deacon,” I called to the tall, bearded shifter behind the counter as I walked in. His gaze swung my way. His only response to my greeting was a chin lift and a blank stare.

  I stopped dead. I don’t know how long I stood there holding Deacon’s stare, but I couldn’t look away. In his eyes, I suddenly saw my future.

  Deacon’s mate died in a car accident two years ago. She’d been one of the sweetest women I knew, petite with full-blown curves and an easy smile. Everyone loved her and she loved everyone.

  When she and Deacon mated, our denmates loved to tease the pair. Deacon was her exact opposite—big and gruff and stoic. But anyone who laid eyes on them together could see how well they fit. She softened some of Deacon’s rougher edges. He protected her like she was the most precious treasure on the planet.

  But you couldn’t protect people from everything. She’d been driving home from her job in the local flower shop, a road she’d driven a million times before, on a clear evening. Nobody could figure out exactly what caused her car to go off the road, but she’d slammed into a tree with enough force that she’d been killed instantly.

  And Deacon might as well have climbed into her grave beside her. Now he only went through the motions of living. He kept his store open, and because of the tourists and sportsmen the area attracted, he didn’t have to try hard to keep it afloat. He ate his dinner at the diner in town, ordering the same thing every night. He ate mechanically, shoveling his food in steadily until his plate was cleared. He barely acknowledged the people around him, no matter the efforts they made. He treated everyone to the same blank-eyed stare.

  The only thing he did that hinted at a sign of life was help collect donations for my shelter. I don’t think he cared much about my animals, though. He did it for his mate. She’d been like me when it came to animals. Always had a soft spot for them, and she’d been the one who convinced him to put a donation collection in his store for the shelter animals. Continuing to do it after her death was something he did for her, keeping her memory alive long after she was gone.

  And as I held his stare, I felt like I was seeing myself. My future.

  Judging by the scars and marks I’d found on their bodies, Nash and Gage were lucky they made it home the first time. Going back into the Army already carrying emotional wounds, topped off with severing our mating bond, I didn’t hold out much hope either one of them would make it back to me.

  My life yawned before me. A life of bleakness that never fully left my eyes. A life of going through the motions, like my body moved because of some deep-rooted muscle memory, but no real spark of life existed below the surface.

  “Macy?” Deacon’s gruff, little-used voice finally broke the spell.

  Too bad my thoughts weren’t squashed down as easily. I couldn’t fight the sob climbing my throat.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll come back later.” I barely made it back to my truck before I broke down. My mates wanted to leave me and with them would go everything that meant anything to me—my love of music, my passion for caring for the animals, my joy in being with my denmates.

  I knew down to my soul that all of it would just leave the taste of sawdust and ashes on my tongue and a gnawing hollowness in my gut once the mating bond was broken.

  After a few days of hope and a hint at a lifetime of love, I had nothing left to look forward to.

  As I sat there, Deacon stepped out of his shop, staring at me in my truck. I blinked back my tears and straightened my shoulders. Time to practice going through the motions.

  I gave him a wan smile and wave as I pulled out. A glance at the clock on the dash told me it was time to go back and do another round of cleaning and feeding. Without thought, I put the truck in gear and paid very little attention to how I got to the shelter.

  Might as well get used to going through the motions now. I had a lot of years ahead of me of doing it.

  Chapter 14

  Macy

  I had my head stuck inside a rabbit cage when Alyssa burst through the doors of the shelter. I spared her a glance over my shoulder and then turned back to my task of refilling a litter box full of Timothy hay.

  Alyssa waited about ten seconds before she’d had enough of the silent treatment. “No, no, no. Finish that and than get out here. You aren’t going to make me chase you all over God’s creation for two hours only to blow me off when I find you.”

  Her words would normally be enough to elicit a laugh from me, but not today. I had no desire to laugh. Or talk. Or be in the presence with anyone not of the furry and four-legged variety.

  But I knew Alyssa wouldn’t leave until she’d gotten what she came for. So I shrugged, finished my job and closed the cage behind me. I rolled to my feet and faced Alyssa.

  “You found me.” I raised my arms out to my sides and then let them drop again. “As you can see, I’m
fine.”

  Her eyes narrowed on me. “Yes, I could tell by the way you went running out of the office with tears streaming down your face earlier that you’re fine.”

  I shrugged, and for the first time all day, I could appreciate how I felt. Or maybe it’s how I didn’t feel. Because right that second I felt numb, like all the feelings had squished themselves together until I couldn’t feel one over the others so instead I just felt nothing.

  Huh. Maybe I’d been wrong to dread feeling the blankness I saw behind Deacon’s eyes. Nothing was a hell of a lot better than what I was feeling earlier.

  “Macy. Please, tell me what’s going on,” Alyssa said softly.

  I stared at her for a long second, studying the firm set of her jaw and the determined look in her eyes. I sighed. I knew that look. No way was Alyssa going to just drop this. Might as well get this over with while the numbness lasted.

  I walked over to a tall cage in the corner of the front room. I opened it and sat down cross legged on the floor next to it. Two gray and white kittens came tumbling out. I grabbed a long stick with a feather attached to the end from a holder next to the cage and set the kittens scurrying to pounce on the bright red feather.

  Alyssa watched for a few seconds before she grabbed a cat toy, this one with a stuffed mouse on the end. She joined me on the floor, and with my attention trained on the playful kittens, I recited all the events of the last few weeks. I did my best to hold onto the numbness as I talked about Operation Divide and Conquer, the feelings that sprang up between Nash and Gage and I, the night at the bar, and everything that enfolded up to when I ran out of the Ursus offices this afternoon.

  When I finished, I finally turned my head to look at her. She stared at me with wide eyes. “Holy crap, Macy. I can’t believe you kept all this from me.”

  “It all happened kind of fast.”

  She nodded. “Well, I definitely understand why you went running out of the offices today. It couldn’t have been easy hearing the guys talking about putting themselves in danger. I’m not a shifter yet, but even my protective instincts would kick in at that thought.”

  At her words, a teeny, tiny crack made a chink in my armor of numbness. I sank my teeth into my bottom lip and tried to hold onto the nothingness with all my might.

  Alyssa ruined my efforts when she leaned over and hugged me. The compassion of the woman I was coming to think of as one of my best friends put another crack in the numbness. A tiny lance of pain skewered my heart as I thought about losing Nash and Gage so soon after I found them.

  Alyssa gave me one last squeeze and then pulled back slightly. She gave me a sweet, sympathetic smile for about two seconds before her expression started to change.

  She grasped my arms and gave me a small shake. “Okay, enough of that.” This time her voice was firm. It was the same no-nonsense tone she used when handing out the guys’ marching orders at the office.

  She hopped to her feet, put the cat toy away and brushed off the seat of her jeans. “Now we need to get down to business fixing all this.”

  I blinked up at her. “What?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Macy, I listened to everything you just said. I heard you tell me what Nash thought, what Gage thought, what Kaden thought, and what your friend Ben thought. I know it was easier for you to hide your music from everyone for years and you got used to hiding who you are from everyone. But honey, the only opinion that really matters when it comes to your life is yours.”

  I jumped up from the floor as I let her words sink in. “But that’s not true when it comes to my mates. They get to have an opinion too when it comes to our relationship.”

  She snorted out an inelegant laugh. “Please, they have less of a choice than anyone. Have you paid attention to all the mated shifters in your den?”

  I wrinkled my brows at her. “Of course. I grew up with them.”

  She shook her head. “But have you really paid attention? The mating bond is like nothing I’ve ever felt before and it just gets stronger as time goes on. I’d do anything to keep Kaden happy. It’s almost like a primal instinct I have no control over.”

  I nodded. I could understand that. My drive to help Gage and Nash heal went far deeper than just wanting to help out some denmates. Their happiness was more important to me than anything else.

  “And from what I can see it’s even worse for the guys. They’d do anything to protect their mates from even a moment’s pain.” She gave me a hard look. “Your guys are thinking of facing their worst fears by returning to the military just to keep you from feeling a moment of pain.”

  “That doesn’t make sense, though. How would them leaving me keep me from feeling pain? Aside from them dying, I can’t think of anything worse than them reenlisting and leaving me here alone, worrying about them every second of every day.”

  Well, crap. There went the final crack in my numbness. Just thinking of Nash and Gage sacrificing themselves in the name of my happiness cut through the armor and allowed the emotions to come pouring through. The only thing that kept me standing was the fact the leading emotion right now was anger.

  She shrugged. “They want you to be happy. It doesn’t mean they’re always going to be smart about it. Shifter or no shifter, they’re still men. Sometimes you need to hit them over the head with things to get them to understand.”

  I opened my mouth to start ranting out all my thoughts on everything from my interfering, overprotective brother to my thickheaded mates who thought of doing the most asinine thing I’d ever heard in the name of protecting me. But before I could get a single word out, the front door swung open and Kaden strode into the shelter.

  “Macy!” He practically growled my name between clenched teeth.

  “Oh, no. You don’t get to be mad at me,” I spit out at him, placing my hands on my hips. “All of this is your fault.”

  “My fault?”

  “Yes, your fault.” I stepped forward and gave him a poke in the chest. He growled at me in response, but I didn’t care. Let him growl all he wanted.

  “If you haven’t noticed yet, Kaden Black, let me spell it out for you. I. Am. An. Adult.” I punctuated each word with another poke to his chest.

  “Really? Because the way you act, it’s hard to tell.” He grabbed my wrist.

  “Your right. I’ve been hiding bits and pieces of my life from you for years.” I knew that wasn’t what he meant when he referred to my childish behavior, but I was past caring. I had found my mates. It was time for me to claim them and my freedom to live my life as I chose. “I’m a musician. Did you know that Kaden?”

  His eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed. Obviously, that wasn’t what he was expecting me to share.

  “I’ve been playing with a band for years. And I’m good at it and I love it. We get gigs at bars and clubs a few times a month. All those animal care meetings I go to in Anchorage? Yeah, I’ve not ever been to one of those. I go play with my band.”

  “Your band?” His voice was back up to just below a yell. His eyes skidded over to Alyssa. “And you knew about this?”

  She threw her hands up and spoke to him in her drill sergeant voice. “Leave me out of this, Kaden. This is between you and Macy and as far as I’m concerned, it’s long overdue.”

  I sent her quick smile of thanks before turning my attention back to my fuming brother. “I love you, Kaden. I love everyone in our family, in our den. But I’m done living my life according to your rules—”

  “If you think I’m going to let you run off to play in bars—”

  I held up a hand. “Enough. You don’t let me do anything. If you had caught me one of the million times I snuck out in high school and mom and dad grounded me, that would be one thing. But I am over twenty-one. You don’t let or allow or forbid or give me permission to do anything. It might not have sunk in yet, but I am a grown women and only I get to decide what to do with my life. You can voice your concerns, and I promise to take them into consideration. But at the end of
the day, all decisions about my life get made by me and only me!”

  Just as I was running out of steam, the bell over the door rang and Gage stormed in. Perfect. I was already on a roll.

  I whirled to face him and pointed at him. “And you. You’re my mate. You don’t get to decide to run off and leave me behind. You want to make me happy? You stay here and we figure out how to work things out between us.”

  Gage didn’t hesitate. He lunged forward and snatched me around my waist and clutched me close to his chest.

  “And you,” he growled into my ear, “don’t get to run off crying and not telling anyone where you are. We’ve been looking for you for hours.”

  I could hear the fear in his voice and it melted all the anger right out of me. I glanced over his shoulder and through the glass double doors, expecting Nash to come storming in at any moment.

  When he never showed up, I pulled back from Gage a bit. “What, is Nash so mad he’s waiting in the car? He doesn’t want to see me?”

  “Shit.” Gage let me go and grabbed his phone from his pocket. He quickly typed in a text before looking back up at me. “We split up to cover more ground. I just let him know you’re safe.”

  The last words turned into a growl. He prowled back to me and pulled me into his arms.

  “Gage, you and Nash split up?” I asked softly.

  He nodded. “Yeah, we’ve both been going crazy not knowing where you were.”

  I stared up at him wide-eyed before shooting a look over at Kaden and Alyssa. I was sure my expression matched theirs.

  “How long ago did you split up?” I asked carefully.

  Before Gage could answer, Nash pulled up out front. I watched as he threw open his door and marched inside. He didn’t pause a moment, even after his gaze skimmed over Kaden. He walked right to us and yanked me out of Gage’s arms into his own. Gage follow behind me, molding his front to my back and in seconds I was cocooned between my mates.