“Did you feel that?” I asked.
“Feel what?” She looked confused.
“When you touched me… it’s never been that strong.”
She looked at her own hand like she would be able to see something. When she looked at me again there was heat in her eyes. Not the kind of heat that came with anger or sexual desire. It was the kind of heat that came with being a lycanthrope, the equivalent of a beast behind those eyes. And my wolf saw it as a challenge.
I forced it down, pressing against it, fighting his will with my own.
“This is just… not what I saw for our future at all,” I said. I wasn’t really concentrating on the words coming out of my mouth. I was trying to concentrate on the power inside of me, trying to contain it again. I couldn’t keep it together and that scared me. And it wasn’t because of anger or rage, it was because of a challenge.
My wolf that his mate was challenging him.
I stood up. I couldn’t sit down anymore. My skin was burning, I wanted to peel my skin off. I felt uncomfortable. I pumped my hands open and closed, tried to channel some of this energy. This wasn’t the kind of power she was in sync with. This was the kind of power that pushed me over the edge, led me to losing control. I recognized it from the days when we weren’t together on this the way we were now.
I paced the room. Allegra sat on the couch, knees together with her hands flat on top of them, like she was trying to keep it together too.
“We never said we were going to do children,” I said, still rambling. I needed to get rid of this. This was not like a regular panic attack and it was damn unnerving.
“We never said we weren’t,” she countered, but her voice was gentle. When I glanced at her she looked concerned.
“Are you alright?” she asked. “You’re sweating.”
I laced my fingers through each other behind my head. Maybe if we carried on talking like everything was normal I could keep a lid on it. If I distracted myself from the magic maybe I could get a grip.
“It never came up. We were too busy figure out how we were going to make this work in the preternatural world that is my life to talk about normal things like having children.” I let out a groan that sounded very close to a growl. Pain ripped through my body, and out my throat. The next words were real. My fear was busy manifesting itself and the baby wasn’t even here. “I’m not a father. I’m an alpha. I’m a werewolf. What kind of life is that for a child?”
“And what about me?” she asked. “I’m here, and I’m not a werewolf or an alpha?”
“No, you’re my second which is damn close to the real deal. How are we going to explain that once a month we run on a different source of power?” I pulled a face, clutched at my head. “How are we going to explain this? It’s happening right now.”
She shook her head. “The same way you explained it to me. It’s not something that’s completely farfetched. This is who you are. This is what our life is like. If a child grows up in it, that’s all they’re going to know.”
She made sense. What she was saying was right. John had said it too. That’s what they all would have said if I asked them. I think I was the only werewolf that was unsure about having children. But then again, I was the only wolf I knew that wasn’t created. I didn’t know where to start, teaching someone about something they weren’t by default.
“John and Charlene seem to think that they can figure this out. And John’s a werewolf just like you are,” she said.
“I don’t want to hear about John and Charlene!” I shouted, and my voice thundered through the house. Allegra snapped her mouth shut and I could see in her eyes that I’d scared her. It had been a long time since that happened. I hated doing that to her.
The last time this had happened I’d nearly killed her. I could feel the power inside me building, and I knew that I couldn’t get a hold on it, not this time. I was losing control. I felt the wolf inside of me, felt it snarl and growl and claw it’s way out.
“I’m losing it, Allegra,” I said, and when she looked at me again I could see that she knew what I was talking about. The fear in her face told me what mine was showing. There was very little human left.
“I have to get out of here. Now,” I said. “I have to get away from you.”
Her face was a mixture of shock and fear.
“From me? What?”
My head was killing me, a headache had started between my temples and grown until I could barely hear myself think.
“Something is very wrong,” I said.
“What’s going on?”
I shook my head. For the first time, I just didn’t know.
She had goosebumps on her arms, and I knew she could feel the surge of power in the room.
“I need to get away from you. You’re wrecking me,” I said. My voice was a growl now, but even though the pain and the change that was forcing itself down on me I saw her recoil from me, reacting to my words, misunderstanding me. I couldn’t see properly anymore everything felt like it had a white shine on it. Allegra’s face floated somewhere in the middle, and the hurt was so prominent I wanted to take it away.
I took a deep breath. If I didn’t get everything under control soon things were going to go a lot more wrong than they already were.
“Reid?” she asked, taking one step closer to me. The power surged like a wave around me, threatening to drown me.
“Get away from me!” I shouted.
I closed my eyes, forced my voice calm. It was a low rumble when I spoke – the change was very close – but it was still my voice.
“You need to get away from me,” I said. “Just let me try to figure this out.”
“Right,” her voice was suddenly cold, “well, you go take care of your problems. When you’re done and ready to face me again, I’ll be here, dealing with the fact that I’m pregnant and you’re having a temper tantrum.”
She was angry with me. She was taking this personally. She thought I was blaming her. She thought I was saying that it was her I didn’t want, when it was just her I didn’t want to hurt. Not again. How many times had we walked down this road?
“Just stand strong for me, okay?” I said and my voice was hoarse. “The pack needs that from you right now.”
“Yeah, right. Because the pack is so much more important than the fact that you’re pushing me away like I’m the enemy. I have to be strong for them so that you can catch a break? When do I ever get to catch a break, Reid? When does this ever end? You’re supposed to be the alpha, not me.
She misunderstood. She was upset, and the magic that crackled in the room around us pushed me over the edge. I shook my head and headed for the door. I couldn’t see where I was going anymore and I could feel the wolf inside me push its way out.
I found the door, and pulled. The handle broke off and I swore. I couldn’t get it open, and I had to get out. So I kicked it down. Three kicks and it splintered under my heel. The opening was a way out, hot afternoon air spilling into the house. I ran out. She didn’t call after me.
I ran blindly, finding the wood by natural instinct more than anything else, and barreled into the trees.
I’d never lost it like this. Not because of her, because of the power that came with her. This was new. Her power wasn’t supposed to be stronger than mine. And it wasn’t supposed to set me off like this, either. But she’d scared the hell out of me, telling me we were going to have a baby, and this rush of energy on top of it, it was just too much all at once.
I called the pack, sent out that wave of energy that I knew they could all feel. I needed them now, needed them to help me get myself back under control. I could borrow energy from them, and once I was okay again I could ask John what the hell I was supposed to do.
Because I really just didn’t know.
John was the first one to appear between the trees. I was on my hands and knees, growling and groaning, shaking my head. My whole body ached, it felt like I was being ripped limb from limb, and my skin felt like fire. I felt like I w
as burning.
John took one look and ran to me, dropping to his knees.
“Jesus, Reid,” he said, grabbing my wrists. I snapped my jaws at him. My face was already changing. I could feel it, like a hand pushing out form the inside. When John saw my face he let go and backed up again. “What did you do?”
I growled again, his words fueling the rage. Because, of course, for me to lose control it had to be something I did, right? What pissed me off the most was that he was right. It was always something I did.
“Allegra’s pregnant,” I said, and my voice was a growl so deep the words were almost indiscernible. “Her power is shattering me.” It was all I’d been able to get out before the change ripped through me. The wolf pushed out, and my skin split. The pain of the change shot through my body, and a sound between a scream and a howl ripped from my throat.
I suddenly sensed the others arriving. There were at least three, giving me there power, shoving it into my like they could hold it in their hands and push. I didn’t know who it was, but it helped.
I slowed down the change with the extra help, and finally managed to stop it when I was a bi-pedal animal. I sat on the ground, shaking my head, snapping my jaws.
The pack huddled around me, giving me their power, and after what felt like hours I finally managed to pull myself back out of it again. I gained enough control to push the wolf back, and to be the strong alpha again. I didn’t need to hold onto their power like a lifeline anymore.
“Well, I was just wondering what to do with my afternoon,” Sarelle quipped when I stood up. The clothes that had survived the change hung in ripped rags around my body. The others laughed nervously. I just glared at her.
“Thanks,” I said, and my voice was hoarse.
“You okay, man?” Harry asked. I nodded.
“I’m okay now. You can go if you want to.”
Most of them filtered back out through the trees until it was just me and John left.
“I can’t do this,” I said. “I don’t know how. You know how I feel. I can’t be a father. What if something like this happens with the baby around? This power from Allegra… I’ve never felt anything like this before. If I can’t hold it together when there’s children, I’m scared I’ll hurt him. Or her. I’m scared I’ll mess it up.”
I took a deep breath and blew it out again with a shudder.
“I’m a damn good alpha, John. What if I can’t be a good father?”
John’s face softened and he shook his head.
“I was worried about that, too. But Carla is family, she’s another person, like Charlene, that I protect now. And you don’t lose control on the people you need to protect.”
He said it with so much conviction. I swallowed, and guilt punched me in the stomach. It wasn’t true for me. I’d lost control with Allegra in the bed right next to me once and strangled her. And tonight I’d lost it in her company too. I’d run away because I knew what I was capable of. Apparently I didn’t have the same kind of control as John.
“I don’t know how to be the head of a family. I don’t want to be second in command, weaker than she is. And I was today. I don’t want to resent Allegra for it,” I said.
There was movement in the trees, and I saw the last of the wolves fade away. Sarelle was the last one to leave, her body swaying through the trees.
“I can be an alpha, but I can’t be a father. What if I have to choose between her, a family, and the pack? How can I do that?”
John nodded and looked into the trees.
“You need to talk to her. You can do this, but you’re going to need her help. You’re an alpha but you can’t always do it all alone. Trust me, lycanthropes need families when they’re human they same they need a pack when they’re wolves,” he said.
We sat together in silence for a long time, and finally he got up to leave as well. He was going back home, to the family he wanted. I was left alone in the trees, with darkness hanging between the trunks, feeling desperately alone.
Chapter 5
Allegra
I was freaking out. Reid had lost it all over the place, it was almost worse than the time our relationship nearly ended. His eyes were the bluest blue I’d ever seen, the color of a blowtorch. And he’d been talking like he didn’t know what was coming out of his mouth.
That was the worst response to pregnancy news I’d ever heard of. And I couldn’t phone Charlene about it, because she didn’t understand pack matters. Not because it was too complicate, but because she just didn’t want to know about it.
She wouldn’t understand what Reid was on about anyway, because John was so happy about Carla being born. He was the model father, the real deal.
I understood that having children wasn’t something Reid and I had planned. It was a surprise even to me. But losing control over his wolf? It was like something else was up. And I needed to talk to someone.
The only two women that I knew that knew anything about the werewolf world were the two female werewolves in our pack. Sarelle was ever hostile. After we’d come face to face and Reid had had to dominate her to stand down she’d accepted my authority as Reid’s second. But she still didn’t like me, and that was very clear. There was no way I was going to turn to her for anything if I could help it.
Maria was the only other option. She was a timid woman that almost didn’t even have enough dominance to her to take up the last position in the pack. Other than that I really didn’t know her at all.
I was about to.
I picked up the phone, and used Reid’s book with pack emergency numbers to call her up. She was home. I’d thought they would all be out with Reid, calming him down or hunting or something. But then again, he hadn’t been home in almost a full day. I didn’t know where he was anymore.
She was surprised to hear from me. I suppose the only that wouldn’t have been surprised to hear from me was John. I didn’t reach out to the rest of the pack at all. I might have been accepted into the pack, and I’ve accepted the role, but I never really reached out to them individually.
Men were intimidating. Men that turned into wolves? Even more so.
Maria lived almost on the other side of the base. She was also on duty, but she worked in the offices as a communications expert, relaying encrypted messages of some kind. Sarelle was the only female that would go into the field, and her assertiveness had a lot to do with it.
Maria’s house looked just like her, a neat double story house with a black front door and window frames and perennials in the front garden that were beautifully in bloom. When she walked out of the house she wore a yellow sundress that brought out the gold in her hair and she smiled. She looked like she belonged in a fairy tale.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I said. She hugged me and I hugged her back awkwardly. Of all the wolves in our pack hers I could sense the least. It was almost as if it was that shy.
“I’ll get us some tea,” she said when we walked into the house. She had a formal sitting room with wait armchairs and a black coffee table with lilies in a vase. I sat down on one of the armchairs. She came in with a tray with cups and a teapot a few moments later.
“What can I help you with?” she asked. “As you can imagine it’s quite a surprise that the alpha’s wife has come to see me.” She smiled sweetly.
“Just call me Allegra, please,” I said and rubbed my forehead with the back of my hand.
“Well… I’m just going to cut right to the chase because I don’t know how to paint a picture around this one.”
She nodded. I took a deep breath.
“I’m pregnant. I—“
She squealed and hugged me, cutting me off. I chuckled and some of the tension bled out of me.
“The thing is when I told Reid about it he lost it. He told me that he doesn’t want children because we live in a world filled with magic, but he lost control. Like, completely. He was two seconds away from changing on me.”
She frowned, nodding, encouraging me to keep going.
> “The thing is, as long as he was going on, it felt like it wasn’t really what he wanted to say. I mean, I knew that he wasn’t very happy about this, but it was like something else was getting to him, you know?”
Maria nodded. “He called us all when he hit the forest yesterday. I didn’t know what it was about but it was a bad one. I was drained after that, it took a lot to get him back in control.”
I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make me feel better.
“Do you know what that could be about? Why he lost it like that? I know it’s not the news of the pregnancy that got to him. It was different. It was like there was something extra, setting him off.”
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you, you power is insane. Whatever it is you have, you have a lot of it. The first time Reid introduced us it was hard. Your power is enough to knock someone over if you do it right.”
“But it can’t be that that set it off, can it? We’ve been like this now for a while, and it’s never gotten to him before.”
“Unless it’s the baby,” Maria said. I frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you have power, he has power…” she pulled up her shoulders in a half-shrug. “Usually when two werewolves have a baby there’s power there. It’s like the baby is a little furnace and it just radiates power because it has two sources. You know?”
“But I’m not a werewolf,” I said.
“You could have fooled me,” Maria said and she looked at me. I was suddenly cold even though it was a hot day. My fingers were tingling.
“Look, you’re not a werewolf in the true sense of the word. There’s a lot about you that’s human, and we can all feel it. But the way you and Reid are together? That’s enough to make it seem like you’re pure wolf. I’ve never felt a human female take the place of an alpha’s mate so completely. You manage to channel is power and feed it back to him, or feed it to us. That’s not nothing. Maybe the baby is a source of power all by itself and that’s what’s setting Reid off.”
I opened my mouth to respond, and closed it again without saying anything. This was crazy.
Maria suddenly looked up in the direction of the front yard and tipped her head slightly. She was listening for something.
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