by Marie Lamba
A soft breeze blows through my screens. Squares of moonlight shine through the windows and onto our beds. Raina props her head on her hand. “What is it?”
“Nothing.” I lie back and stare into the night. “And everything.”
Chapter 24
“So why are we all holy again?” Doodles asks.
Mom holds her finger to her lips. We stand as the priest offers the final blessing to the congregation. I look down the pew at my family: a line of occasional Catholics plus two Sikhs. We’re neatly dressed. Mom wears a sundress. Doodles, Raina and I wear skirts and sandals. Dad and Hari are in tan pants and nice shirts.
My dad is on the opposite end of the pew, his head bowed and eyes closed. This morning I was set for a fight, but he hasn’t even looked at me yet. Raina is standing beside him, her hands folded in front of her like a perfect good girl.
I think about the money Mrs. Schnapps gave me. About how I stuffed it in my night table drawer. About how maybe I should have put it into Doodles’s jar. But what difference would that ever make?
I clasp my hands together and pray for Taoji. Pray that they aren’t killing him but saving him. At least that’s something I can do for him. But it doesn’t feel like enough, and I’m afraid I’m not very good at it anyway. Not intense enough or spiritual enough for any higher being—Catholic, Sikh, or otherwise—to hear me.
The priest raises his hands high. “Go in peace. Amen.”
“Amen,” we all say. The organ music swells and the priest and altar boys parade down the aisle. As soon as the priest passes, the churchgoers pour out of the pews on their way to a busy day of brunches and yard work and softball games.
When we hit the sidewalk, Doodles says, “Now will somebody tell me why we’re so holy?”
Mom smoothes Doodles’s tangled hair. “Because it’s the right thing to do, sweetie.”
“Then why wasn’t it right last week?”
“That was a lovely service,” Raina says to me. “What was that thing you all ate?”
“Jesus’ body,” Hari says, passing us.
“Oh?” Raina says.
“Don’t ask,” I say. “It’s complicated.” I glance behind me. “Crap. Here comes my dad.”
“Don’t panic,” Raina says. “And above all don’t argue. Just nod and look really sorry and agree with everything.”
“I’ll try.”
Dad taps me on the shoulder. “We need to discuss something,” he says. “Raina, will you excuse us for a minute?”
“Of course, Uncle-ji,” she says, ever smiling, ever dutiful—at least on the surface. She joins the others that have gone on ahead of us.
Dad gives me a grim look. My throat becomes dry.
“So,” he says, as he and I walk. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
I shake my head, because really, what can I say? Stop threatening to ship me off to India? Like he’d listen to that. I’m glad I went out last night? He’d kill me. I’m falling in love with Cameron? I’d rather die. Besides, according to Raina, the best thing to say is nothing.
“Then on to the punishment phase,” he says. “Grounded for one week. During this time, since your mother will be working, you will be responsible for your little sister.”
I picture a grueling week of ice pop sales. Great. “But can I go to Anna’s party on Friday?”
“I don’t know. We’ll see. It is very much dependent on your behavior.”
I nod. I can deal with this. And I don’t want to fight with my dad. Not now when he must be hurting so much over Taoji.
“Also,” Dad says, “no seeing or speaking to that Cameron fellow anymore.”
“Ever?”
“Would you rather I sent you to school in India?”
What he’s trying to make me do—never see Cameron again—is worse than any Indian school ever could be. I might as well be in an all-girls’ school in the wilds of India, or in a nunnery if I can’t see him. “But Cameron’s taking me to the party.”
“Not anymore.”
I should nod and keep my mouth shut. But suddenly I feel the full weight of how very much Cameron’s come to mean to me. “No,” I say. “Dad, this is too important to me.”
We both stop moving.
I’m momentarily terrified of him. Of myself.
I back away from him. “I won’t listen to you.”
“Get back here right now, young lady,” he says in his sternest voice.
“No,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. I race away, my sandals slapping the pavement. I run and run and run even though I don’t hear him following me. I don’t slow down until I’m well into the Doylestown Cemetery. Even then, I continue walking up and down the paved drives between fields of headstones, my mind racing. Why did I have to talk to him like that? Now there’s no way I’m going to Anna’s birthday with or without Cameron. Why can’t I be like Raina and just keep my mouth shut?
I walk on the grass between the stones themselves. Now and then, an inscription catches my eye.
‘Let us linger here awhile in the foolishness of things.’
‘Forever we will hold his love and his life in our hearts.’
‘We miss you, Dad.’
Feeling like I’ve been walking forever, I sink onto a white stone bench. I’m surrounded by death, and the dead are trying to pass on wisdom from the great beyond. But what good does it do anybody? We all change, grow old, and die. No one can stop that. Not even my father.
I hear a rustle of paper behind me and turn to find Dalton holding his lunch bag, looking annoyed.
“I’m sorry,” I say and stand. “I’ll go.”
He sits on the bench and unwraps his sandwich.
I stand next to him while he eats half of it. Then I sit beside him.
It’s weird, but this feels like the most natural thing in the world. We’re both quiet for a long, long time until I say, “My uncle is dying.”
Dalton sets his lemonade on the bench. “You want to talk about it?”
And for the first time, I really do.
Chapter 25
“Dad, I’m so sorry.” I hang my head. I am saying this because, while talking with Dalton, I figured out a few things.
Dalton and I were sitting in the graveyard, and I was telling him about Taoji hanging at the very edge of life and death. All around us were headstones, and facing us was a stone that read, “No one knows his own measure of time.” That’s when it hit me. Really hit me. We are all on the edge. Who knows who will be next?
Walking home from talking with Dalton, I did a lot of thinking. Especially about Taoji. He is always so sure of me. So confident that I will become someone extraordinary. I want to become that person for him. Someone who sets goals and achieves them. Someone who believes in herself and is courageous. Someone who is even brave enough to listen to her own heart…
Expect Great Things!
And then my thoughts turned to Cameron. Cameron sitting in my living room with my parents, being so sweet and polite. Cameron defending me against Trish. Cameron saving my life. And then me, standing by Cameron’s car at Mrs. Schnapps’ house, letting him just drive away. Me, always standing passively along the sidelines while precious time is running out.
So now I am standing in the living room in front of my father, sucking up big time. I have to pretend to be the dutiful daughter and make it seem like I am not going to see Cameron anymore.
You can do anything you want to.
I can’t just let my parents come between us like Raina’s parents came between her and Sanjay. Honesty doesn’t work here. My dad’s plans for my future aren’t mine. My parents don’t know my heart. It is my life and mine alone. For once, I’m filled with resolve. For once, I’m determined to be braver than I ever thought I’d dare. Cameron has to learn my true feelings for him before he goes and it’s too late.
Grow up and make your Taoji so so proud.
“Dad, it won’t happen again.” I look up at my dad and brace myself, expecting
him to scream. At the very least he’ll give me a guilt-filled lecture.
But what he does is worse. Much worse.
Dad sinks onto the couch, covers his eyes with his hands, and starts to cry.
I’ve never seen him cry. Never. Just like that, my resolve about Cameron starts to crumble. “Dad, I’m so sorry,” I say, and this time I mean it. I touch his arm. “I never meant—”
He jerks away from my hand. “Go to your room.”
I stand frozen for a moment, watching his shoulders shake, feeling shaken myself. Then I obey. In my room Raina sits, looking like she, too, is disgusted with me and about to cry.
“Don’t look at me like that.” I kick off my sandals and kick away some of her clothes. “I tried to listen to your advice, but he makes it so difficult.” I start pushing away Raina’s cosmetics and rearranging my own perfume and cream bottles on my dresser. Raina just glares. I say, “Anyway, what are you mad about? You’ll still get to go to the party with Gary, even if I end up locked here in the royal tower.”
When she slowly shakes her head as if I’m a huge disappointment, something in me snaps. “Oh, give me a break,” I say and yank off my “Expect Great Things!” necklace, snapping the chain, and toss it onto my dresser. In my mirror I see a fresh line of zits growing by my hairline. I pick up my brush, redo my part, and sweep hair over the offending pimples. “You know what? You aren’t so perfect yourself.” I brush my hair vigorously, making it crackle with static. “Sure, you pretend to be wonderful and obedient. But you’re just an actress.”
“Sang.”
“Like from one of those tacky Bollywood movies. You pretend you are so much better than me. You act like you are the most wonderful girl in the world, but you’re nothing but a big phony. No wonder your boyfriend ran off with—”
“Sangeet Jumnal,” she says in a nasty voice. “While you were out, Mummy called. Taoji has taken a turn for the worse. The doctors are not sure if he is going to make it through the night. That is why I am so upset. As you Americans put it: Get over yourself.”
I set down the brush. And I look in the mirror. A horrible version of myself stares back, mouth open.
I grab my necklace and race out of the room, down the steps, and into the backyard. I hug the necklace tightly to my chest.
Taoji. Taoji on the edge. And nothing in this entire world I can do will save him.
*****
I straighten my bed and tidy my drawers. I put some of Raina’s clothes in neat piles beside her suitcase and clean the mirrors in the bathrooms and bedrooms. I play Chutes and Ladders with Doodles and let her win twice. I even clear the dinner dishes without being asked.
I’ve never felt so useless.
Raina is being coolly polite with me, so I can tell she’s still pissed. But I ask her to call her mom anyway for an update on Taoji’s condition. “They won’t be in their room,” Raina says in an irritated voice.
“Just try.”
She dials the phone and lets it ring and ring. “I told you. They are in hospital.”
So I tell her to call the hospital, and she says she doesn’t have that number, and why don’t I just find it and call myself? Like she doesn’t know I completely choke every time I try to talk with Taiji or Taoji. I could have Hari bug Mom for updates, but he’s at work, as usual.
In the evening, Dad is pacing back and forth across the front yard.
“Why doesn’t he just go in a straight line and take a walk?” Doodles asks me as we both look at him from the family room window.
“Because he’s strange,” I say. Actually, it’s probably because he doesn’t want to be too far from the phone.
I can’t stop thinking about Taoji. What is going on right now? Is he okay? Is he getting better? Worse?
“Now you’re doing it.” Doodles points to me pacing in front of the family room window. “You must be strange, too. Is something wrong?”
“Uh, yeah. That shirt with those shorts.”
She looks down at her orange and blue striped T-shirt and her pink flowered shorts, while I make my escape.
Upstairs, I find Mom in her room laying dresses on her bed. “Which do you think says ‘not too old to enter the workforce?’ This?” She holds up a long purple sundress. “Or this?” She picks up a green khaki skirt with a white cotton top.
“Go with the green. It’s good with your eyes.”
“You think?” Mom leans near her mirror and holds the skirt up to her face. The green highlights in her hazel eyes glow. “I guess it’ll have to do. I can’t believe I’m starting a job tomorrow.”
I move a dress and sit on her bed.
“I don’t even know what to do about lunch. Do I bring food? Buy there?” She wrings her hands. “I think I need a pep talk.”
“Hmm.”
“Oh. Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better.”
“You know what would make me feel a whole lot better?” I ask. “Knowing all the facts for once. Being able to talk about what is really going on.”
She drapes her outfit over her arm. “So maybe I should just call someone and ask about the lunch thing.”
“GRRRR!”
“Sangeet. What on earth?”
I shake my fists. “I can’t take this anymore. This stupid ridiculous family with its stupid ridiculous secrets.” I grit my teeth.
Mom sits beside me. “Such as?”
I spring to my feet. “Taoji, Mom. Okay? Taoji. He’s dying and it’s this huge secret and it’s driving me nuts.”
“Hari told you.”
“Hari didn’t. Raina did. And she wasn’t supposed to say anything either, right? So we’ve all been talking about it. Talking talking talking about it. I suppose that’s why he’s doing so badly, right? Because we’re going against some ancient Indian superstition or something.”
“Sang, take it easy.” Mom lays her outfit on the bed, closes the door, and turns to me.
“How can I take it easy when I don’t even know what’s going on?” I pace the room. “Or if he’s going to be okay!”
“Shush. Does Doodles know?”
“No. Look, don’t be mad at Raina for blabbing. I made her tell me. I just have to know, how is Taoji doing? What’s the latest news?”
Mom pulls me to the bed and sits with me. “He’s hanging in there, sweetheart. That’s all we know for now. It seems the next twenty-four hours are critical. The radiation is hard to take. Taoji is weak, but he’s at one of the best hospitals in the country. They are doing everything they can.”
I look at her hand and blink tears from my eyes.
“I’m so sorry we didn’t handle this better,” she says. “But your father… I’ll keep you updated from now on.”
I nod.
“Listen, honey, about your father. Don’t tell him we’ve talked about this, okay?”
“But how can he be so superstitious? How can he think talking about something will make it happen?”
“Superstition isn’t a sensible thing. After we had you kids, I had to battle with your father to make a will. He found it terrifying to talk about who would watch you kids if we died.”
“Who would watch us?”
“It’s taken care of.”
“Don’t talk about it, right?”
“It isn’t easy.” She rubs her brow. “We should be able to talk about all sorts of things.” She gives me a piercing look. “Like about your friend. How is it you were seeing some college boy and never told me?”
I stand. “Well, that’s over, right? King Dad said so.”
“Sang, come on. He’s naturally concerned. Going out with a boy so much older than you is asking for trouble. I just don’t think—”
“Mom, do we have to talk about this?”
“Sang, you and Cameron are at completely different places in your lives right now. When you’re in college, you’ll look back and understand. Don’t be in such a rush to grow up,” she says in her wise motherly voice.
“No one knows his own measure of t
ime,” I say.
She gives me an odd look.
“Don’t rush,” I say. “Right. Got it.” I open the door. “Glad we had this talk.”
Mom takes a deep sigh and gathers the clothes off her bed. “Right.”
*****
Around 4 a.m. the phone rings. I jolt awake and hear my dad talking. My heart thrums as I clutch the sheet to my chest. Is Taoji gone? Wouldn’t the world feel different if he was gone?
“Thank the God!” Dad says.
Thank God. I want to run to my parents’ room and leap on their bed and whoop. But I can’t. So I smile and snuggle into my pillow instead.
Chapter 26
“You left crumbs. Here.” Dad points to the table.
“Sorry,” I say. I sweep the crumbs into my hand, even though the mess was from his muffin. Pretending to be a dutiful daughter is practically impossible. I don’t know how Raina ever pulls it off. Okay, so I get the whole doing the chores without asking bit. But all the bowing and scraping and ha-ji, whatever you say-ji stuff makes me crazy.
I stack the dishes in the dishwasher while Dad criticizes me for not rinsing off the plates well enough. I don’t say anything. This is not as easy as it sounds. It involves much pressing together of the lips and biting of the tongue. Quite stressful.
Mom goes off to work, so nervous she is practically trembling. I realize this means Dad will be driving us to swim lessons on this splendid Monday morning. He’ll probably stare at us through the chain link fence, shouting, “You. College junior. Stop looking in my daughter’s direction. Do you hear?”
I’d pretend I feel too sick for swimming, but if I don’t go to lessons I won’t see Cameron at all.
Luckily, Hari comes ambling into the kitchen and grabs Dad’s keys. “I’ll drive ’em, Dad.”
In the car, I thank Hari for taking us. “You’re really doing me a favor,” I say.
“I’m not doing it for you,” he says. “I got my own plans.”