by LJ Scar
When I used to intend on going to college I wanted to be a veterinarian, four years to get a bachelor’s degree, four years of Vet school. I wouldn’t have graduated until I was twenty-six. None of that was important anymore.
With no aspirations besides Mom’s bucket list, I began to research. I’d found a couple of huge dog rescue ranch type organizations out West. They didn’t pay but I could get by in other ways, I’d learned how to survive.
Lainey and I grunted at each other in greeting across the breakfast counter. I deposited a bag of bagels, cream cheese, and a jar of peanut butter near the gallon of milk that was sweating on the surface.
She rubbed her eyes. “You just getting in?”
“Yeah, dog walking across town.”
“You do more by noon than most people do all day.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I’m like an armed forces promo. Help yourself.”
“What did you get?” She peered inside.
“What do you want: sweet, salty, or tangy?”
“Hook me up with what you’re having.”
“You might want to reconsider that. I got a salt and vinegar bagel, and I’m putting peanut butter in the middle.”
“Jeez, are you pregnant?”
I grimaced. “Not possible,” I replied.
“I’m still game.”
I toasted our two. She crunched into hers and I waited. It was an acquired flavor. “I like it. It’s like peanut butter pretzels with a bite.” She put her hand over her mouth to talk trying to swallow all that bread. “Where did you stay last night?”
“Tanner’s.” I actually slept at the storage unit with Gator. There was a pull switch for a bare bulb light in the 10X10 room. It was climate controlled. The closure was a garage door. I liked to go there and crawl over the vestiges of my old life. Lying on the couch that my mom picked out, trying to re-stimulate the smells of the past.
Lainey stared as if she sensed my lie.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I asked.
“I was. We broke up or rather he did with me. We had only been together this year and he wanted to leave for college with no girlfriend. Seems like all my friends are ending their high school commitments behind.”
I nodded. Tanner had told me at least five couples we knew had basically made the same decision.
Tanner was following me around Sox’s backyard, studying me. I think he was trying to read between the lines, see what was going on. “Want to go fishing?”
“Not really. Why?” I bent down and massaged Sox’s fur across his rib cage and hips hoping to loosen up his old joints.
“The bucket list.”
I laughed. “The one that got away.”
“Come on. I borrowed a truck and a boat from my boss.”
I watched Tanner steer the vessel off the boat trailer. Once clear I spun the wet truck up the algae covered boat ramp. I parked and he maneuvered around to pick me up on the floating dock.
He smiled one of those breathtaking smiles, the kind where you get a little flutter down deep. “I like.” He pointed to my suit.
My eyes dropped to my aquamarine board shorts and a somewhat matching Hawaiian bikini top. “Thanks.” I peered into the brackish water watching for submersed objects that could cut the hull as he motored us through the shallow no wake zone.
We stayed on the intracoastal river passing 100’ yachts with tinted windows. The vessels were moored up to docks connecting beach mansions perched on the dunes between the slivers of land separating the inner water from the ocean. Alligators sunned themselves on coquina shelled islands, while great white Egrets stood on knobby stick legs submerged in salt water.
We anchored in a quiet cove near a protected area. He cast my line for me.
“Lainey is growing on me.”
“That’s good.”
I continued. “But I just don’t understand how Lainey accepted what happened. Did she not care that her mom was with a married man whose wife was dying of cancer? Did she ever wonder about me, his daughter? Did she ever worry he’d break her mom’s heart? Or did she always know he would choose them over his other family.”
He grew quiet. The silence lulled me to sleep.
“You got a bite, you got a bite,” Tanner shouted as a mammoth fish sent my line spinning from the reel. He was trying to brace the pole against the support bracket built in the boat but judging from the severe bend of the rod I was guessing either it or the line was about to break. I grabbed for the fishing net as the sun glinted off the scales yanked from the water. Just as Tanner looked like he had conquered it the line broke. I stared as the thin movement of filament sinking away became apparent.
I laughed. “That’s it. The story about the one that got away.”
We pulled up dockside at a shack of a place that was like a bait slash convenience store slash bar. Tanner jumped down on the dock and gave a waiting server our order, then he stood guard at a port a john for me.
“How is it?” he teased from the outside.
“It’s non-flushing crap. How do you think it is?” I stated laughing.
“Use the urinal on the wall.”
“Real funny.” I came out and gulped the less stagnant air.
He chuckled shaking his head and took a turn himself. I began walking and he caught up at the end of the graying cracked boardwalk of the boat launch. A wet lab mix ran to meet us.
“Hey Tanner,” the Lab’s owner called out. His dog crouched down on front paws inviting play as his master joined us. “Hi,” the stranger acknowledged me.
I nodded in return.
“Party at Cochise tonight. You in?” He asked Tanner while flashing me a surfer dude smile, not bothering to pull up his board shorts where they were slipping down low on his nicely indented hips.
“Definitely,” Tanner replied.
Suddenly the good mood of our shared day melted into the swampy gator filled water surrounding us. I had no intention of going. It had been 490 days since we’d attended our last party together.
Chapter 10
Hanna
In the darkness of Sunday morning, long after I’d left Tanner to go find entertainment without me at the party, I did the internet search of his name, my name, Hanner, “the it couple”. I got one hit but luckily the video wasn’t of me.
I called him. A sick feeling deep inside, as I considered if he’d made it home yet.
“Yeah.” His voice was tired, sleepy.
“Have you checked lately to make sure it didn’t get posted again?”
“I looked for it a couple of nights ago.”
I wondered what had prompted his search. I held the cell in the dark. He sighed heavily both of us weighed down with the weight of what happened.
Finally, he spoke, “I love you, Hanna.”
Garbled I answered, “I love you too.”
I disconnected and fingered the disk. The one Benny had threatened to distribute for $20 bucks a DVD. I had given him $1000 to give me what he said was the original and only copy. Opening the disc drive, the disc scanned and prompted me to play. There on the screen we appeared.
August, my last party, 4th weekend of Junior Year
We were at the home of a senior, some guy on the football team. There was a 10 gallon trash can filled with some jungle juice concoction that was being drunk like water. I had two glasses on an empty stomach and was feeling the effects.
“I need to go home,” I whispered.
Tanner scanned the partygoers focusing on a couple ascending from downstairs. I watched the guy give a subtle nod to him. “Not yet.” He placed his hand on the small of my back and maneuvered me to the staircase.
“Tanner, I need to lie down.” I turned.
He reached for my hand and pulled me down a step. “You can. Let me find you somewhere less noisy.”
We wove through the rec room to an open door, entering I tried to calm my stomach with deep breaths. Taking in my surroundings, I noticed bright track lighting was strategically angled away from
wall art to spotlight the couch. A dimmer light switch was lowered coating the rest of the room in shadows.
“Somebody’s been messing with the lights.” I pointed out to Tanner.
He made an excuse. “Probably just someone goofing around.”
Pool balls could be heard through the walls as they ricocheted off the sides of the table outside, as the sounds of Mario Brothers being played competed in noise.
I turned to find him close.
“You okay?” he asked lowly before brushing a kiss across my lips.
I rested my head against his chest. “Give me a second.”
He gently stroked my hair moving onto my back. Eventually, I raised my head. “You always make it better. You know that, right?”
He stopped, that hesitation, that mere second – it was as if he had an internal struggle. Like the idiot I was, I placed a loving hand on his jaw and slowly kissed his doubts away.
He positioned me against the wall and leaned sideways in the frame. With one hand, he unbuttoned the first obstacle on my shirt.
“What if someone walks in on us?”
He reached less than a foot and flipped the lock on the door. He splayed his hands across my breasts still covered beneath my shirt. The camera lens focus tightened. He slowly unbuttoned my blouse, skillfully exposing the lacy white bra that seemed to stand out against my tan skin. His arms wrapped round me, he changed our position so his back was to the wall, mine to the camera.
My long hair blanketed my shoulders and upper back. His hands wound beneath, capturing my head to angle our kiss. He broke contact long enough to lead me over to the couch, where he pushed down his pants, boxers and all then sank upright into the couch cushions. I stood in front of him, doubt visibly expressed on my face. He moved forward, slipping his hands beneath my skirt. The camera lens zoomed. The footage followed my panties as he inched them down my thighs. His fingers gripped the back of my knees, guiding me forward onto his lap.
My hair slid in a silken up and down movement. His hands clenched upon the fabric of my skirt keeping the more explicit images of us having sex from view. Even without the video, I’d remembered his face, watched it many times before as we made love. His expressions were a series of masks – guilt, tension, animalistic lust, dreamy agonized release.
Our bodies stilled. The video faded as Tanner whispered, “I love you Hanna.”
Present
The screen went black.
The news came to me in the school bathroom. A girl I didn’t know, one of the other female contestants who hadn’t consented blurted the whole story as she simultaneously ranted and wept, “All those rumors about the football teams “ritual” are true.” She did the finger quotes. I stood there stunned...disbelieving trying to make sense. “I didn’t even consent to the stupid contest. Some girls did. Did you?”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t shake my head no.
“They premiered the videos last night. Guys only with a special invite paid for the viewing. They held up scorecards like the Olympics. The winner won the night’s take in cover charges.”
I didn’t break up with Tanner then. I needed his expertise. He was tech savvy, hardly challenged to remove two of the links of our video and cause a virus on the third so it couldn’t be viewed again.
If my mother had not been ill, if my father had been there for me, if there had been some chance to return to normalcy.
If…
High school halls were no more than a cell block where I was taunted by the hateful snickers of other girls, the winks, the propositions, the smiles and occasional whistles from guys. My life went on…unfortunately my mother’s did not.
Present
“You’ve got some nerve.”
The couple in the school parking lot was fighting loudly. I tried to absorb the accusing voice of the girl as she accosted her boyfriend. He was no match for her.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.” He was hoisting his backpack over his shoulder trying to look for a way out.
“Hello, I checked your cell. You called her at 3a.m. Saturday.”
Back when I cared, I would check Tanner’s cell.
The guy couldn’t come up with a defense. I shook my head as he uttered a lame response, “Why are you always so paranoid and suspicious?”
August 21, Three Years Earlier almost Sophomores
I picked up the vibrating cell in the dark. This was the first time he had called since the beach incident. I toyed with the idea of not answering. It was late… 2a.m. Both sets of our parents would freak if they knew we talked on our cells in the middle of the night.
“Yeah.”
“It was a big deal. It was a very big deal. Even if you regret it Hanna, I’m glad you were my first. I hope you’re glad I was yours.”
I hadn’t been sleeping. In one ear was an earbud and my IPOD was playing the Pixies Where Is My Mind. In the quiet of the night, we shared the silence both afraid to disconnect from each other.
Taking a difficult breath I muttered, “You didn’t even bother with a condom.”
He defended, “You told me at lunch you were PMSing so I’m not worried.”
His cavalier excuse gnawed at my already fragile nerves. “That wasn’t how I imagined it would be.” There was no way to disguise the sadness in my voice.
Chapter 11
Hanna
Rain…that dense, tropical rain that pummels Florida even outside of hurricane season fell. I could hear it in my sleep, could feel it before the drops touched my skin. Standing water was across every highway surface. Like so many times before the ground had absorbed all it could hold. Retention ponds filled past their banks. Waterfowl didn’t search for the beach or lakes, the ditches and sewers were like a bird watcher’s paradise.
By Tuesday, the rain had dampened everyone’s world. The popular kids, the nerds, the stoners, the wannabes…they all felt the weight. Della and I didn’t even bother with the lunchroom. The day’s entrée was a brown stew that had a strange gamey scent flowing down the adjacent halls. The other choices were the ubiquitous tater tots and pizza.
Laden with vending machine junk food we sat on the stairs leading to the gym balcony talking and scarfing carbs. “What did you do this weekend?” she asked a day after the customary enquiry sandwiching M&Ms between two brownies.
“Friday night, not much. Saturday, Tanner and I went fishing on the river and then he went to a party.”
Her brows lifted. “Without you?”
I shrugged working on a hangnail on my thumb with my teeth.
3 Years Earlier, 6th Week of Classes Sophomore Year
Tanner didn’t wait to enter the lunch line for me. He did the first week by my locker. Since…each day he seemed to make a new friend. In junior high, we sat together with people we had known since elementary school. Now Peyton was the only remaining classmate from that period.
I got shoestring fries, the only menu item that didn’t look gross. As I walked toward his crowded table someone I didn’t recognize slid away from Tanner making room for me. Why? I thought. I didn’t always need to sit beside Tanner.
I set down my tray along with my can of soda. Tanner unconsciously reached over, popped the tab. I took a sip, and dipped a fry in the paper ketchup holder. They were talking about some girl fight in the hall earlier. I had missed it, which was okay by me.
The corners of Peyton’s mouth turned up like the Joker’s style. “You two are like a soggy PBJ.”
Tanner laughed. I looked at the grease dots congealed on top of my ketchup.
“When did you cross the platonic line?” she asked.
“Huh?” I swallowed praying she didn’t know about what happened on the beach.
“Well, I was at his locker when this junior asked him if you two were a couple or just friends. Tanner said you were his girlfriend.”
I looked at Tanner who was talking to the guy on his right. He pretended he wasn’t listening, but I knew he was. He clasped my hand under the tab
le and squeezed it.
Present
Late in the evening, I lit the gas fireplace in hell. My mom always wanted a fireplace. Dad told her, “It’s Florida. We’ll never use it.” Nor’easter winds, cold tile floors, rainy days and nights – any excuse, my father and stepmom would light a fire.
I had become bone chilled as I walked my subjects, only the soothing taste of hot tea and the crackling warmth of an orange blaze eased the damp that had sunk inside me. I was on a chaise lounge toasting my feet, sleepy eyes blearily watching late night talk shows. Gator was curled up on my lap.
My phone vibrated an incoming text. I sucked in my breath reading Tanner’s words.
That was quite a study session. How am I supposed to hide this love bite?
A text mistakenly sent to the wrong recipient was nothing new. Sometimes he was careless. I’d never confronted him so he probably thought I never knew. I had been aware of his betrayals ever since the night Trev came over and I tasted another girl’s gloss on his lips.
Lainey entered the foyer shaking off the cold, damp rain. “A Snuggy, Hanna? Seriously?”
She didn’t ask about the tears.
Tanner- After the ritual
She and I were different together. Yet we still were very much a couple. Hanna no longer attended parties with me. Scratch parties, she didn’t go anyplace with me unless we would be alone. No school sports games, no dinners with friends, no study sessions. When I asked her why, she didn’t answer.
I’d messed around on her. Sometimes too drunk or drugged to know who with but mostly it was with her friend Peyton. I didn’t even like the girl, she was just available.
Hanna and I had been settling down for a movie night alone. Thirty minutes in, she hit pause and turned to me.