by LJ Scar
“You are so sweet. Your mommy and I promise you will have a good life and be a good person.”
His tiny fist rose up to his mouth smothering a yawn as he fell to the temptation of sucking his hand.
“I didn’t expect you home so soon,” Della stole up beside me.
“Tanner didn’t want to stay.”
“Why?” she asked an acid tone creeping into her whisper.
“The person he was dating… it’s serious. I guess he doesn’t want to jeopardize the relationship by remaining my friend.”
“God, why didn’t you tell him about Ansel?”
“It was easier not to.”
“But you stayed overnight with him.” Della was in defense mode. She looked ready to explode.
I shook my head. “After we did the amusement park, back at the hotel he explained his situation and left me there with Trevor.”
Keb’s heavy lids dropped over his incredible blue eyes. My vision blurred with emotion. Della pushed me out the door and into the hall, closing it firmly behind us. I followed her into the kitchen where she mixed me a drink abstaining herself since she was still breast feeding.
“What a dick!” she hurled the insult sharply.
“I guess it was more than a fling.” I sipped gingerly, made a bitter face when I tasted the whiskey and gulped it like a shot.
“So the next time he comes crawling back begging for another chance, what then?”
“There’ll never be a next time Della. At least not for me.”
I ended up calling Ansel. Told him the whole story.
“So you’ve been dumped by a guy you were no longer dating.” The words were amusing, his tone was not.
“Are you angry at me?”
“No, but he’ll come back. He always does.”
“No he won’t. I don’t measure up.” I had no regrets about losing Tanner’s friendship. What I felt was more damaging, the deep down starkness of inadequacy. A long silence filled the line. “You’re silence must mean you agree with him,” I declared after long minutes passed.
Hardly. I had a surprise but telling you now doesn’t seem like the right time.”
“What was it?”
“I bought a ticket back to you. I’m coming in on New Year’s Eve.”
Chapter 47
Tanner
Skylar after only being home a week surprised me with a phone call to say she wanted to meet my parents and would New Year’s Eve weekend be too soon. What could I say? I picked her up at the airport alone.
She went right for the topic of Hanna. “So how did she take it?” I swear when she asked she was taking some sadistic delight in the situation.
“She was cool with it.”
“Really? I thought she would freak. From what you told me about her, I figured she would realize she just lost her future meal ticket.” She took my hand on the gear shift and began stroking my fingers.
What had I said about Hanna that would have formed Skylar’s opinion? Future meal ticket, I thought, yeah future wife was my wish, but I didn’t think Hanna needed me to get by. She didn’t need anyone.
“She’s not like that,” I defended her. I knew what a girl like Skylar really wanted me to say, “Hanna isn’t for me. You are,” I lied giving her a tight smile. The truth was to me Skylar was just a temporary lay with deep pockets. I didn’t want her to be a permanent part of my life. “When are you leaving?” I enquired blinking to dull my probably too bright eyes.
Her voice had a tone in it when she asked, “Monday, why?”
I covered, “I’m already worrying about missing you.”
“My dad is working on getting you a paid internship at his company next year. Then we can be together as much as we want,” Skylar declared.
“In Chicago?” I blurted.
“Well, yeah.”
“But I’m not a finance major.”
“But you could add some business classes to your schedule this semester and minor in finance. You can’t expect to spend your life working outdoors. It is just too common.”
She made me feel disappointed in myself. I seemed to be a failure in her eyes before I had even made my first career move. I nodded not really caring. Did she really think that I’d pack up and join her?
Once she left Monday, I considered driving back to Hanna’s place and telling her I’d made a mistake. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and beg forgiveness. To tell her that I still loved her. I pulled my hand out from under hers. Finally, we made it to my parent’s house where I resumed my role of actor, pretending that she meant something to me.
Hanna
Storms had decimated the beach since I’d last walked it. A steep drop off of sand made for a cliff dive as the dogs and I tried to descend from soft calf working granules to a harder packed surface.
Surfers bobbed in black rubber on their boards that pitched as the waves catapulted them until they passed the breakers. Both Bowzer’s and Pinkie’s leashes were wrapped around my hands, tugging me to the water where Clay and Ansel were emerging from the surf. Bowzer tugged at the leash for his master. I released him and he ran. Gently, I descended the cliff. Sand slide just like a mudslide followed each step my feet slipped down. Clay was wrestling the leash from his dog’s mouth laughing.
Ansel took the threadbare beach towel from my hands and began toweling off as Pinkie licked the salty water droplets from his legs. “You want to jump some waves.”
I shook my head. “Not without a wetsuit.”
“Did you finish all your appointments?”
I nodded. “The other groomers have the rest of the day’s slots filled.”
He put his arm around my waist drew me closer. “So you’re all mine for the rest of the day?”
“I have a 3 o’clock appointment with a student who needs a storage room.”
Clay butted in, “No, you don’t. I’ll take it and don’t show up for your shift until New Year’s Day.”
“Really?” I asked peering around Ansel’s shoulder.
“Go Hanna. You’re making this guy crazy,” he teased pointing at Ansel.
“So what did you have in mind?” I asked Ansel.
“I’d like to meet Trevor.”
Tanner
Skylar sucked up to my parents like a girl wanting to be a future daughter-in-law should but she bad mouthed them behind their backs. As far as I could tell she and my mom were birds of a feather so why Skylar did not like her more was perplexing.
With Trevor Skylar didn’t even try. I didn’t have to get her around kids to realize she wasn’t nurturing or maternal but the way she talked to him, there was no denying she found him to be not only an embarrassment but a burden.
I took her to dinner on New Year’s Eve. No way did I want to introduce her to any of my friends. The place was lavish. I couldn’t afford the miniscule entrees offered. Finished I admitted, “I’m still hungry.”
“Oh, I’m very full.”
“Hard to believe.” She had ordered a some salad with no dressing at a ridiculous cost, only eaten about a third and my estimation was about one hundred calories. She thought I didn’t realize she starved herself but I did.
“You want to go for a walk?” I asked after signing my credit card receipt. “The St. Johns River has a nice promenade. All the old houses nestled by the water, the character and atmosphere are really cool.”
“Not really. It’s too humid.”
“You call this hot. This is nothing. You should feel the air here in the summer.”
“My hair will frizz.” She must have sensed my mood because she relented. “Maybe we could walk over there.” She pointed to the other side of the river. “I’d like to see those high rise condos you mentioned some of the NFL players own.”
Figures, I thought. We drove across downtown parking near the social atmosphere of the city’s most frequented tourist restaurants and clubs. We strolled hand in hand.
“That smell is atrocious,” she uttered fanning her nose with her free hand.
&n
bsp; Unable to help myself I drifted.
Summer before Europe
“I love that smell,” Hanna declared with a smile as she stretched our clasped hands out before us to point up river to the Maxwell House Coffee plant.
“Me too.”
“The river is really dark here. You think they are pumping java into it?”
We peered down over the edge of the sidewalk where the boats moored. Some fish were swimming close waiting for evening diners to throw bits of rolls their way.
“That one has jittery eyes. He reminds me of that three eyed fish on the intro to the Simpsons cartoon.”
“Better switch to decaf Nemo,” I called down.
Present
Skylar disrupted my musings. “What are you laughing about?”
I shook startled at her voice. In my head had been the sound of Hanna’s soft laughter at my corny joke. “Because you said it smells atrocious,” I answered. “It smells like every coffee house there is.”
“It reeks of cheap Arabica beans.”
I shrugged. Apparently, my tastes weren’t as discerning as hers.
She smiled angelically as if she wasn’t who she was and continued walking beside me.
Chapter 48
Hanna
I called and invited Trevor to the circus. Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey had come to Jacksonville over the holidays. Overly excited he said he’d invite Tanner and before I could stop him he hung up as if the call was pressing.
On the drive, I explained to Ansel, “Trevor doesn’t understand that Tanner and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. So don’t get mad at anything he says.”
“Stop worrying. I’m cool with it. I’ll be cool with him.”
We barely had gotten off the home’s grounds when Trevor started. “Have you met Tanner’s new girlfriend-Skylar?” He didn’t wait for me to say yes or no. “She does not like to share food from her plate, play games, watch cartoons, or sing.”
Ansel laughed. Probably Trevor professing to me what he saw as Skylar’s weakest attributes shouldn’t have made me happy but it did. “I’ve never met her Trev. But you need to give her a chance.”
“She told me don’t stand so close.” He sulked.
I didn’t judge her. Skylar hadn’t grown up with him and probably found his mannerisms and invasion of personal space awkward.
Ansel proved himself capable of having a good time with Trevor. Afterwards, as we were driving back Trevor asked, “Do you still dress up for Halloween?”
Ansel didn’t bat an eye, “All the time.”
“They won’t let me trick or treat anymore.”
I assumed he meant his parents because the group home had a trunk or treat celebration. “Maybe we can have a party next Halloween,” I suggested.
Enthusiastically Trevor piped up, “I could go as a lion and Ansel could be the tamer, you could be that girl in the leotard.”
I laughed. “Okay, but what about your SpongeBob costume?”
He thought for a minute. “Maybe I’ll wear that for Skylar. She doesn’t know who SpongeBob is.”
The night of New Year’s Day I worked.
“Hanna?” The blonde approached as I was wiping down tables.
“Yes.” I smiled.
“I’m Skylar.”
“Oh.” My smile vanished and I instantly searched out Ansel, sitting at the bar with his laptop.
She began, “I wanted to talk to you. I don’t know what kind of games you are playing but your relationship with Tanner’s brother has become an embarrassment to the family.”
“How so?” I enquired keeping my voice even as I squirmed thankful we had less than ten customers at that hour.
“Pitting brother against brother, Trevor is retarded so I can’t blame him for letting you manipulate him into thinking there is romance between you. You on the other hand are shameless.”
I blanched caught between humiliation and anger. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, please, I figured from all the stories Tanner conveyed regarding your relationship you would play naive.” Clay moved toward me from his place behind the bar.
Stunned I defended myself, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Trevor is a childhood friend. Tanner knows that. He knows I would never mislead Trevor.” Ansel came to my side.
She barely glanced at Ansel as she continued. “I don’t think so. He thinks you are stringing his brother along with promises of something physical to make him jealous.”
“If he felt that way he’d say it to my face.” I could feel my composure slipping, tears were threatening. Ansel placed his arm around me. “I think you should leave!” I croaked.
“I’ll escort you out.” Clay gently clasped her elbow.
“I want to talk to the manager,” Skylar huffed.
“You just did,” Clay retorted steering her out.
The few customers we had were staring at me. In that moment, I hated Tanner. Hated him so much I never wanted to see his face or hear his name again.
Tanner
After being smothered by a girlfriend I didn’t want, I shoved Skylar off shopping with my mom and took Trevor to see the latest Pixar cartoon. After it was over, I couldn’t force myself to go home, back to Skylar. I dropped Trev off and drove south.
It felt strange, being in St. Augustine. I hadn’t set foot in the town since my last days of romance with Hanna. Christmas garlands and light displays of the season adorned the wrought-iron gas lamps around the bay. My heart clinched as old memories of unfinished dreams took hold.
Last Christmas
We were on our second picture of beer watching some overly enthusiastic couple grinding on the dance floor when a song I loved amplified from the bar’s stereo. I took her by the hand and surprised her by placing my hands on her hips as we swayed to the lyrics. The song ended with a heated kiss between us, but we both left it there.
I told her about this company that was recruiting at school. That even though I wouldn’t graduate for two years, I had went to talk with the recruiter. They were headquartered in Orlando but had an office in Jacksonville so maybe it would work out that we could live close to home. The company did rooftop landscape design and architecture.
She said it sounded perfect. She gave me her full attention. At midnight, we closed the bar, happy and tipsy we filtered out into the blustery wind. She kept burying her face into my shoulder. My arm wrapped tight around hers below me. I nuzzled my face into her long brown hair.
We made love on the beach, and slept there under a Sherpa blanket to awaken to a bright but foggy sunrise. Every dawn I witnessed since brought that memory back.
We picked up Trev and took him to breakfast. I remember how delighted he became when a big buttermilk pancake with strawberry eyes, a whipped topping nose and a sliced banana smile was set before him. When we finished and went to the cash register to pay I saw the mistletoe dangling, and unable to resist I kissed Hanna. I could still taste her powder sugar coated lips from the French toast.
Trev chanted, “Hanna and Tanner sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Hanna pushin’ a baby carriage.” We laughed.
“When you two get married can I be your best man?” he asked.
“Sure,” I agreed.
“We’ll have to really work out logistics because I want him to walk me down the aisle,” Hanna advised.
Present
I paralleled on the street a few blocks away. I looked at the building before me. All that remained was our rooftop memories. Nostalgia for what I’d wasted hit me. I walked down the revitalized street. Blocks of neglected facades linked rows of renovated store fronts. An old two story school house loomed ahead with a neon sign promoting a brewery.
I noticed a couple huddled on the steps leading upstairs. They were backlit in the glow from the harbor lights decoratively flanking the old double entry doors of the school. A woman sat two steps down from a man, her head resting on his knee as he stroked her hair.
I heard a gut wrenching sob break and the man lifted the woman onto his lap. Their words were quiet. It was obvious he was attempting to comfort her.
Not wanting to intrude I waited them out. Finally, the woman stood and I realized she was Hanna. Her hand was linked with the man’s and as she pulled away he held as if he didn’t want to see her go. I moved closer, making out what he was telling her, “Maybe I should have a talk with this guy.”
Hanna shook her head and swiped tears from her face. “No, it would be a waste of breath.” She clung to his hand, their threaded fingers lingering.
I left without doing what I came to do.
Chapter 49
Tanner
Back on campus, I returned feeling much like I had my first semester of college - lost, forlorn, and bereft of Hanna. I couldn’t sleep. When I tried, all I could see was her in someone else’s arms. I wanted off the emotional rollercoaster I found myself riding. Hanna, the baggage of my youth, what could have been nagged me.
Somehow I endured, kept pretending I was in love with Skylar. January passed, then February, March arrived and I committed myself to spend spring break with her family on the slopes of Aspen. One of her brothers was recently engaged.
Slightly drunk and dizzy in the wet heat of a Jacuzzi, I overheard talk of a bachelor party. While sitting in the hot tub letting the jets inflate my board shorts with air, I heard them utter that overused cliché, ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’.
The question posed was this, “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done to a girl?”
I drifted. My thoughts turned to Hanna. I made a list:
1) May have raped her our first time together
2) Cheated on her numerous occasions
3) Hurt her physically and mentally repeatedly