by LJ Scar
He joked, “Urban industrial living is very now or so I’ve read.”
I walked to the middle of the room where the kitchen was like a floating bar, one entrance in an almost perfect circle. Concrete counters, atop black cabinets, stainless steel stove with a giant vented hood descending from the ceiling, a built-in refrigerator that was only counter height and bar stools surrounded the whole design. Positioned just past the kitchen was a black leather sectional focused on a monstrous flat screen TV mounted on one of two metallic painted walls.
“How do you afford this on internship pay?”
He hesitated, “Uh, housing was provided with the internship. You want something to drink?” Tanner scavenged in the fridge, came up with two bottles of beer.
I took one. “Can you excuse me while I make a call?”
“No problem.” He gestured to one solid wall across the back with three doors before handing me the bag of necessities I had purchased on my way past the airport mall.
The doors were open and as he stopped in front of one, I knew it was his bedroom immediately. “You sleep in your own bed. I’ll take your roommate’s room – since he is out of town.”
“Uh, yeah. Sure that would be okay.” His eyes searched for what I might have found fault with and landed on the photo of him and Skylar on his nightstand. Without another word he stepped to the far left door on the wall.
Inside the room was not the height of interior design like the showcase in the living areas or his room, tangled blankets and sheets adorned a wrought iron bed with a scarred dresser that restored would have been a nice antique. A laptop rested on a fold down wall table and a desk chair was rolled out waiting for an occupant. Tanner closed the door.
I dialed Ansel. His voice mail picked up. “Hey, it’s me. I am in the worst situation. I’m stuck in Chicago, and I ran into Tanner at the airport. I’m staying at his place tonight. It’s well...you know. Help!”
After freshening up in his roommate’s bathroom, I returned to find Tanner holding the edge of the counter staring off at nothing. “You hungry or tired?” he asked.
“Not really either. I wouldn’t mind seeing Chicago.”
Chapter 56
Hanna
We sat on a bench across Lake Shore Drive. Our eyes stung with the bitter cold. I thought I might get frost bite. I kept burying my face in the scarf I had found in my handbag. With chattering teeth, and a numb body I started the conversation.
“The internship…what do you do?”
Tanner hunched his shoulders but not as if he was cold more like he was defeated. “Inside sales.”
“For landscaping or golf courses?”
He shook his head.
Perplexed I asked, “What do you sell?”
“Annuities.”
“Did you switch majors?”
“No.”
Confused, I admitted, “I don’t know much about them.” Rather than explain he said nothing. I asked, “Do you like it?”
He shrugged and didn’t expand.
We found a martini bar with a live band playing jazz. After taking a seat and placing our order the conversation lagged.
Drinks were placed in front of us. “Do you remember the first time I said I love you?” he asked.
Perplexed, I hesitated before answering, “Yes.”
“When was it? I can’t remember. It bothers me.”
The toothpick impaled with raspberries on my fruity shaken vodka was leaching dark purple juice into the clear liquid much like blood from a vessel. “That day you took me to Guana.”
Christmas Sophomore Year of High School
Tanner
The park was just a short distance down the beach highway called A1A. Gator had his giant head and lolling dotted black tongue hanging out my back car window. When the wealthy mansions that perched atop the sand dunes ended, the scrubby wild plants that clung to sandy soil flanked each side of the road. Guana Preserve was a wedge of protected land sandwiched between the ocean and the Matanzas River. Oceanside was remote beaches where you could walk for a mile or more without meeting another soul. Riverside there was mud packed, coquina filled shoreline - perfect for kayaking or netting some oysters if you had the patience. I drove us to the park entrance where there was a causeway over the river to enter the forest.
The mosquitoes were relentless, but the repellant we applied kept them manageable. We walked for miles, just me, her, the dog and the occasional mysterious rustling noise of an animal nearby.
Boardwalks over swampy areas led us to a spot on the river where speed boats threw a wake of waves against the shore. I picked a spot of hardened mud and took a squat. Hanna sat in my lap with my arms resting around her. From our vantage point, the world seemed calm. Sunset was hours off but the coast faced east and if you could rouse yourself the rise was a beautiful sight to see.
Hanna and I stared out at the stretch of marsh, mud, and a blue water highway between tall pine forests. Her mom and dad had set her down for a talk. Their marriage was ending. Her mom was an unhealthy mess. Life was bad, soon to be worse.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered.
I understood. “I know but it’s for the best. You still have me. I’ll be there for you.”
“Will you?”
“Always,” I whispered kissing her.
“Why?”
“Because I love you and I’ll never love anyone else.”
Present
Hanna
Tanner’s expression changed, “I remember.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to talk about what he remembered. If he really did.
We walked around Millennium Park where we made faces at our distorted selves in the Chicago bean, a mirror that reflected the skyline and every person within view. I took a couple of pictures - none with him in the frame.
We continued on to a stretch of the Magnificent Mile of Michigan Avenue where I bought a change of underwear and some pajamas while Tanner watched.
Returning to his car, we drove until Tanner pulled to a stop next to a sign that read Lincoln Park Zoo. “I should bring Trevor here. They are open later in November and December. Brochures show Christmas lights and ice sculptures.”
“He’d like that. He’d like to see snow. I don’t know that he ever has,” I responded.
He nodded. “Maybe he’d even be able to go ice skating back at Millennium Park.”
I touched his hand. “He’d love to do anything with you. He looks up to you.”
He rubbed his palms across his eyes. “You want to see or do anything else?”
Ansel texted. I changed your reservation. You are on United Flight 633 6am to Daytona. Clay said he would pick you up in baggage.
Keeping the screen from Tanner’s view, I said, “I think we better call it a night.”
I warmed up in the shower finally getting feeling back in my fingers and toes. Fidgeting in a newly bought pair of fleece pajamas I went into the main room to say goodnight to Tanner. I found him stirring hot chocolate on the stove. “Thank you for showing me around, letting me stay here.”
He emptied the contents of the pan into two mugs. He was staring at me as if my unattractive PJs were lingerie. “I wish you still didn’t tempt me. I’m pretty weak. Exhaustion can do that to a guy.”
“I’m tempting you?” I laughed forgetting why I shouldn’t.
“Always have.” He leaned closer.
I moved out of his reach.
“Do you ever wish things had turned out different?” he asked.
“It was for the best. Goodnight, Tanner.” I kissed his cheek and carried my cup back into the bedroom with me.
I listened as he ran the kitchen faucet, listened as his heavy steps crossed the floor to his bedroom, listened to his toilet flush, listened for quiet or some signal he had gone to sleep.
I rose at 4a.m. in a mountain of blankets dawning yesterday’s clothes. I didn’t have the courage to go in his room and say goodbye.
Chapter 57
Tanner
&nb
sp; Hanna had vacated my apartment without even saying goodbye. It messed with my head, left me irrational. I met Skylar at the airport and dropped down on one knee.
Those four words I said unleashed a terror upon the world.
“Yes. Yes!” she screamed alerting airport security. “Thank you for not getting me a ring. I’ve got one picked out.” She pulled up a picture on her phone. The price tag was $30k. I was appalled. She must have noticed. “Don’t worry Daddy will help you pay for it. It wouldn’t be acceptable if it was a lesser stone.” What she really meant is it wouldn’t be acceptable if she couldn’t tell everyone that it came from Rodeo Drive. “I’ll contact the jeweler. They can get your credit information, set up an account, overnight the ring insured.”
The sweat I broke out in was very unromantic.
Hanna
Clay and Ansel were lugging a queen sized mattress up the flight of stairs. They pivoted it through my door and dropped it onto the frame.
Della was doing her best to embarrass me. “Probably you shouldn’t even put the mattress on the frame. Forget about a headboard. I’m not sure they make furniture durable enough to withstand the two of you together.”
“Ha, ha.” I made a face at her. “I jimmy rigged the legs of that old bed every time it wouldn’t fold back into the Murphy cabinet. How it didn’t break long ago is sheer luck.”
Clay laughed and turned to Ansel. “After my college years I didn’t think that bed could be broken. Way to go man.”
Ansel winked at me and flopped across the bed, giving it a bounce. “This one seems sturdy enough.”
Della walked over to my dresser. “Uh, Hanna, what are you taking antibiotics for?”
“One of my repeat customers has a Chihuahua that likes to bite when I clip his nails. Last time it broke my skin. I thought it was no big deal, but it got infected. The doctor put me on antibiotics.”
“He did tell you that antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of birth control didn’t he?”
My blood ran cold. “No.”
Ansel grinned and teased, “I can’t wait to paint the baby’s room.”
“It isn’t funny,” I murmured.
He got up and walked to me, pulled me close. His whisper was so quiet it was almost inaudible. “I love you. You love me. Would it be the end of the world if you got pregnant?”
I shook my head.
Tanner
Preparations like I had never imagined began. An engagement party larger than most people’s weddings was planned for New Year’s Eve. Skylar wanted to rent one of those booths where it snaps photos of two people then melds them together to show what your offspring would look like. Fear took hold, imagining our future children. My mind went to her childhood photos displayed at her father’s office – the ones taken prior to her corrective procedures. Our kids would be a combination of blue eyed, dish water blondes with sharp chins and hook noses.
“Let’s not do the photo booth.”
“Why?” No shit, my betrothed actually jerked me to a stop and stomped her foot in a tantrum.
“Some might consider it common.”
Hanna
Coming upstairs from the Laundromat I met Ansel shoulder carrying Keb. “Where are you two off to?” I bestowed them both with a kiss on the cheek.
“Going to feed the ducks. You want to come?” he asked.
“Sure, can we walk by the post office? I need to check my box.”
With Keb’s legs dangling round Ansel’s shoulders, one hand holding a loaf of bread the other wrapped round his ankle the picture they made tore at my heart. We entered the park and stopped at the pond. Ansel slid the toddler onto a bench and birds began running and squawking in our direction at full speed. Protectively, we both flanked Keb.
I tore a couple of slices of bread, handed them to Keb who dropped them over the back of the bench. The ducks waddled closer claiming the food.
“I’ve got good news,” Ansel proclaimed.
“What?”
“Augustinian Art wants to sign me and I got an assignment for Coastal Living magazine.”
I took my eyes off Keb. “Ansel, that is fantastic.”
He beamed. “I know. I’m getting my own room at the gallery.”
While our eyes were off him, Keb emptied the entire sack of bread over the back of the bench. Not a crumb remained.
“Kid you’re a menace.” Ansel picked him up, tossed him over his head arms extended catching him - a game the two never tired of playing.
“You ready?” We walked to the Post Office.
I had a ton of mail in my mailbox. Mostly junk I tossed in the garbage can. There was an invitation with a Chicago return address. Curious, I did a quick swipe of the envelope flap and extracted the card. I grimaced as a bunch of sparkly hearts, and champagne glass shaped confetti fell from the card. It read:
Tanner Benjamin Giradelli and Skylar Nicole Dole
wish to invite you to their engagement party December 31st
Chapter 58
Tanner
An employee at the facility Trevor resided had promised she would let me know if any trouble should ever happen. She was true to her word calling me in advance of my brother being admitted to the hospital. I called Hanna immediately.
She answered my call with the sound of a chaos in the background. After exchanging a less than enthusiastic greeting she asked, “Is something wrong?”
“Trevor is sick. The facility called to tell me he had gotten a serious lung infection and was being hospitalized. Would you be able to visit him? Make sure he is okay?” I asked with a catch in my words.
Hanna
I drove north to the hospital. After locating the correct floor and room, I found Trevor and Tanner’s father sitting on a recliner staring blankly at his eldest bedridden son with a dejected expression. Gone was the authoritative and fatherly man from my childhood. The time since our last encounter had taken a toll. We both acknowledged each other with merely a nod.
I touched Trevor’s shoulder and he opened his eyes.
“Hanna, it hurts.” Trevor clenched my hand.
I started to crumble but held strong not wanting my tears to scare him. Tanner wouldn’t cry. He rarely did even when we were small because he was always the big brother, year of birth never mattered. “I know sweetie. I wish I could make it better.”
“I want Tanner,” he cried the name of the person in my thoughts.
Their father said in a muffled voice, “Tanner is trying to catch a flight but is having trouble.”
I didn’t reply. I wondered where his mother was, why a child in need was being deprived of maternal comfort. “I brought your favorite book.”
He lit up. Such innocence was an eternal testament to the man he grew into but his mind couldn’t catch. I pulled up a chair, keeping it together by concentrating on the words.
I don’t know how long I was there. Four chapters later the sunlight grew weak through the window. Their dad fell asleep his head slumped sideways in his chair. Trevor’s hand was slack in mine. His breathing was noisy, raspy. He had always been a snorer but with the respiratory infection he wheezed as he slumbered. I studied the slope of his forehead, the flat bridge of his nose, the short, low set ears. Had Tanner ever feared he’d someday father a child like Trevor? It had never mattered to me. To me Trev was the sweetest and most loving kid a parent could ever ask for.
“Trev?” I whispered close to his ear. Both Trevor and his father pried open their tired eyes. “I’m gonna go now and let you get some good sleep.”
“I love you Hanna.”
I kissed his cheek. “I love you too honey.”
Staring at my clock in the lonely hours of the morning darkness, Tanner called.
I answered, “Hello.”
No greeting replied - just the choked words, “He’s gone Hanna. His heart gave out.”
I didn’t believe a heart as big as Trevor’s could cease. Yet, together we cried, each offering the other condolences. We both disconnected
gulping at sobs.
Ansel was beside me - taking me in his arms, trying to comfort me. Both Pinkie and Bowzer jumped up on the mattress and nestled against me as I mourned.
I dreamed of a graveyard encircling a giant playground where we all returned to the worriless moments of our happiest childhood days. I threw petals like a flower girl as we skipped past the tombstones.
The Funeral
Tanner
The turnout was huge. Trevor’s entire group home including staff attended. Within the midst of my remaining family, I mourned for the loss of the most important member.
The funeral director advised us several friends had asked to speak regarding Trevor. My mother was hesitant not wanting undue attention or change in protocol. After realizing my parents had only prepared a closed casket with one picture of my brother, I was mortified. A one day funeral with no previous day of viewing was bad enough. Within two hours, I had created a digital CD montage of photos.
Maybe I’d gone overboard, but most of the pics were of Trev, Hanna and me. She was just a little girl in many. She looked so sweet, Trev so happy, me not so much.
Watching the entrance, my heart skipped a beat when she stepped inside with Ansel, Della, even Clay - all of them taking seats in the back. I wanted to talk to her alone, but my fiancé sat to my left, my mother on my right. Both women dry eyed took my hands chaining me in place.
When Hanna walked up to the casket, I shook them off and went to her. Ansel stood off to the side, not like Skylar who clung close to me.
“He was so special.” Hanna’s voice caught, but she managed to continue. “I considered him one of my closest friends.”
I went to touch her as the tears fell like raindrops off her face but Skylar’s hand clamped down on my forearm before I could reach her. “Thank you,” I said in lieu of an embrace.