by Sean Gaffney
“Alright, if that’s the way you want it.”
Larryboy stepped forward, cocked his head, and let fly a mighty super-suction ear!
Only the ear didn’t fly. It fizzled, actually, and fell to the floor at Larryboy’s feet.
“I feel funny,” the hero said. “And I’m too weak to shoot my ears right!”
The Emperor laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
CHAPTER 12
NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF SLUSHEE ON THE WALL
“In you go,” said Jesse.
The Emperor’s henchmen were escorting Herbert and Wally into a cell at the Bumblyburg prison.
“That’s the last of them,” said Frank. “The whole town, all in jail.”
“Can’t we at least have something to drink? I want something to drink!” whined Officers Boysen and Blue.
“There’s ninety-nine bottles of Slushee on the wall,” Frank pointed out.
“Yeah. Just take one down, pass it around,” added Jesse.
“Ninety-eight bottles of Slushee on the wall,” finished Frank.
“Hey, that would make a great song!” Jesse realized.
“Hey, sweet potato!”
Wally was yelling at them through the bars. He and Herbert were both sitting on the cots in the cell.
“Tell Herbert to give me his cot,” Wally yelled. “It’s softer than mine!”
“I’m too tired to switch cots,” said Herbert. “Besides, I want his cot. It’s firmer than mine!”
“Boy, I hope that Envy Formula wears off soon,” said Frank. “These gourds are driving me crazy!”
The two henchmen walked out of the prison. A few cells down, Bob, Junior and Larryboy were sharing a cell.
“I feel super weak,” Junior said.
“Me too,” said Bob. “And my head hurts.”
“Well,” said Larryboy, “I feel weak, my head hurts, and there is a ringing in my ears.”
“That’s because your ears are ringing,” said Bob.
“They are?” Larryboy sat up on his cot. “Hello? Archie, is that you?”
“Hello, Larryboy!”
Larryboy could hear Archibald’s voice through the radio set in his headdress. Bob and Junior, who couldn’t hear Archibald, looked on confused.
“Archie, am I glad to hear your voice,” said Larryboy. “I’m in jail!”
“Oh, no,” said Archibald. “I told you to slow down when driving through town!”
“It’s not that,” said Larryboy. “It’s Emperor Napoleon of Crime and Other Bad Stuff!”
“Why are you telling us that?” asked Bob.
“I’m not talking to you,” said Larryboy.
“You’re not talking to me?” asked Archie.
“Yes, I’m talking to you,” said Larryboy. “I’m not talking to Bob.”
“Are you talking to me?” asked Junior.
“No, I’m talking to Archie,” said the superhero.
Bob and Junior looked around the cell.
“He must be invisible,” said Bob.
“I wish I had an invisible friend,” said Junior.
“Archie isn’t invisible,” explained Larryboy. “You just can’t see him.”
“I wish I had a friend who wasn’t invisible but you just couldn’t see him,” said Junior.
“Never mind explaining,” Archibald pushed on. “Just tell me what happened.”
So Larryboy told Archibald about the Mister Slushee Slushee-Slurping Contest, the Emperor’s entrance, Officers Boysen and Blue becoming ill, and his own brief battle with the villain.
“And that’s how we ended up here,” said Larryboy. “It’s unbelievable, but I’m too weak to try to escape! I wish I was back home, like you.”
“Keep your courage up, my friend,” said Archibald. “I will go down to Mister Slushee and investigate. Maybe I can find out what is making so many people lose their strength!”
“Good idea, Archie,” said Larryboy. “And while you’re doing that, I’m going to lie down on my cot and dream that I had a mattress that wasn’t lumpy. Over and out.”
Larryboy sunk down on his cot and commenced dreaming.
CHAPTER 13
THE EMPEROR’S NEW BUMBLYBURG
“Lower!” shouted the Emperor. The evil cherry tomato was standing in the large doorway to the Mister Slushee shop.
“I said lower!” he yelled again.
A loud CRUNCH rang out. Suddenly, the doorway to Mister Slushee was the ideal size for the short villain!
“That’s perfect,” said the Emperor. “Now on to the next building!”
Frank and Jesse stood next to the crank of a really huge, super gigantic, massively gargantuan vise grip. The vise was clamped down on the Mister Slushee shop. They had scrunched down the entire building to fit the Emperor!
“And it was really hard work,” Jesse said.
“What was really hard work?” asked Frank.
“Scrunching down the entire building to fit the Emperor,” said Jesse.
“What are you telling me for?” asked Frank. “I know it was really hard work. I stood right here and scrunched with you.”
“I’m not telling you,” Jesse said. “I’m telling the reader.”
“Oh … right!”
“Come along, men,” the Emperor called. “We have a lot more scrunching to do!”
Frank and Jesse marched away from the Mister Slushee shop.
“Now that the buildings are being scrunched down to the Emperor’s size,” said Jesse, “how will we be able to stand up in them?”
“Quiet,” said Frank. “Or the Emperor might decide to scrunch us down, too!”
As they left, Archibald tiptoed around the corner, wriggled his way through the door, and crawled into the building.
CHAPTER 14
ALFRED REPORTS BACK
BRRRING! BRRRING!
Larryboy sat up on his cot.
“Am I late for work again?” he asked.
“It’s your ears,” said Bob. “They’re ringing again.”
“Oh, excuse me,” Larryboy said. “That’s my radio hidden in my super-suction ears.”
“I wish I had a radio,” said Bob.
“I wish I had super-suction ears,” said Junior.
“I wish I had a radio and super-suction ears!” exclaimed Larryboy.
“You do,” Bob reminded him. “And they’re still ringing.
“Right,” said Larryboy. “Hello, Alfred?”
“Larryboy, I found something interesting. I took a very interesting sample from the Slushee machine.”
“I wish I had a Slushee,” said Larryboy. “Did it taste good?”
“I didn’t eat it,” said Archibald. “I took it to the lab and ran some tests. The Slushees were tainted with what appears to be an envy formula.”
“An envy formula,” repeated Larryboy.
“What’s he saying?” asked Bob.
“The Slushees were tainted with an envy formula,” said the superhero. “I seem to recall someone talking about envy recently. If only I could remember where.”
“Was it someone at Mister Slushee?” asked Archibald.
“How about someone you passed on the street?” asked Junior.
“Was it a used-car salesman?” suggested Bob.
“No, none of those.”
“At the Veggie Valley Elementary School,” Junior said, “our teacher once taught us about envy.”
“That’s it!” shouted Larryboy. “School!”
“You go to the Veggie Valley Elementary School, too?” asked Junior.
“No, but in my night class, Professor Bok Choy talked about envy. He said that envy rots the bones.”
“There did seem to be a lot of jealousy at Mister Slushee,” said Junior. “And after everyone became envious, we all started to feel weak. Envy caused our weakness!”
“I wish I had thought of that,” said Bob.
“That’s it!” said Archibald. “And God doesn’t want us to be envious of others! No wonder you
couldn’t fight the Emperor!”
“So what do I do? What do I do?” asked Larryboy.
“To counteract the formula, you must stop being envious,” said Archibald. “Then your strength will return.”
“I can do that! Then I’ll take care of the Emperor and his cronies. But how will I get out of this cell?”
“I wish I had the keys to this cell,” said Junior.
“Of course, the keys!” Larryboy exclaimed.
“Why not just use your super-suction ears to get them?” asked Bob as they all gazed at the set of keys hanging on the far wall outside of the cell.
“They’re all the way across the room! I don’t know if I have the strength to shoot my super-suction ears that far,” moaned Larry.
“Larryboy,” Archibald said over the radio. “Simply stop being envious, and then you should have enough power to reach them.”
“Oh! Of course!” Larryboy agreed. “I am the happiest cucumber alive! I’m happy with everything I have! I’m happy just being …”
“Larryboy, you have a job to do!” Archibald reminded him.
“Right! Over and out!”
Larryboy stood up and wiggled an ear between the bars. Then he took aim, and POP! The plunger zoomed across the room, sticking to the keys. With a whir, Larryboy reeled his plunger back in, dragging the keys to the cell.
The superhero turned to face his friends as he tried to yank the keys through the bars. But his ear jammed between the bars, causing him to fall to the floor.
“Oops! I think they’re stuck!” he admitted.
Bob and Junior helped Larryboy pull his ear back through the bars to retrieve the keys. Quickly, he unlocked the cell door.
“I’m off to see the Emperor,” he proclaimed. “Who’s with me?”
“I wish I had your energy,” Bob said, “but helping you with those keys zapped every bit I had. I’m still too weak to leave.”
“Me too,” said Junior.
“You will have to go alone, Master Larry,” said Archibald. “Just remember, don’t be envious!”
CHAPTER 15
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED …
SCRUNCH!
“A little lower!”
The Emperor was standing in the doorway to the Bumblyburg Bank. Frank and Jesse were working the crank of the really huge, super gigantic, massively gargantuan vise that now clamped the bank.
“Halt! Stop that!”
Larryboy was on the scene. He stood defiantly in the middle of the street, facing the bank.
“Oh, look boys,” the Emperor chuckled. “Guess who escaped from his cell?”
“Oh, I love riddles,” said Jesse. “Did Officers Boysen and Blue escape?”
“No!” grumbled the Emperor.
“Do you really like riddles?” Larryboy asked the sweet potatoes. “‘Cuz I have a really good one. What’s purple and white and read? …”
“It’s Larryboy!” the Emperor interrupted. “Can’t you see?”
“I thought it might be a trick question,” said Jesse.
“I wanted to hear the end of the riddle,” added Frank.
“Army, attack!” ordered the Emperor.
Frank and Jesse abandoned the crank and headed right for Larryboy.
“Larryboy, can you hear me?” Archibald called through the radio set.
“Loud and clear,” said the hero.
“This would be a good time to test the new weapon that I installed in your left super-suction ear.”
“The Maypole Ear? But it’s not May, it’s October.”
“That’s quite alright, Master Larry. Use it anyway.”
“Who’s he talking to?” asked Jesse.
“I don’t know,” replied Frank. “But watch out, he’s getting ready to launch a plunger!”
POP! Larryboy’s left super-suction ear flew through the air and landed on the ground between the two henchmen.
“Ha! He missed,” gloated Frank.
“Maybe,” said Larryboy. “Maybe not.”
“Uh, Frank,” said Jesse. “The plunger is making noise.”
Indeed, the plunger was whirring. Suddenly, a tall pole rose up out of the center of it.
“What’s that?” asked Frank, staring up at the pole.
A small POP resounded from the top of the pole, and two smaller plungers dropped down near the sweet potatoes. PLOP! PLOP! The mini-plungers landed squarely on each henchman’s head.
“I don’t like the sound of this,” said Frank.
“Hey, I’m flying!” said Jesse.
The mini-plungers were being reeled to the top of the pole, carrying Jesse and Frank along with them.
“Help!” called Jesse.
“We’re stuck up here,” yelled Frank.
“Works like a charm,” said Larryboy.
“Thank you,” said Archibald.
“And now for the big guy,” said Larryboy, looking down at his small adversary. “I mean, the little guy.”
“Wait a minute,” said the villain. “May I ask you something?”
“Oh no you don’t!” said Larryboy.
“How about the shield that American Pie has? Wouldn’t you like that?” taunted the Emperor.
“I’m not listening!” answered the superhero. “La, la, la, la, la, la, la!”
“Other superheroes can fly. Don’t you wish you could fly?” the Emperor taunted.
“I’m not listen … fly, huh?” asked the superhero.
“Plus they have other wonderful toys. Remember that Norse superhero with the magic hammer? Wouldn’t you like to have a hammer like him?”
“Gee, if I had a hammer,” said Larryboy, “I could hammer in the morning. That would be cool. Why can’t I have a hammer like that other superhero?”
Larryboy suddenly felt himself getting weaker.
“Oh, no!” he cried. “I don’t know how to stay unenvious!”
CHAPTER 16
THE BUMBLYBURG PRISON BLUES
Back at the prison cell, Junior sat on his bunk in a bad mood.
“Hrumpf!” he cried.
“What’s on your mind?” asked Bob.
“No matter how hard I try to not envy grown-ups, I don’t feel any stronger,” Junior replied. “I guess I just can’t do it.”
“Envy grown-ups?” Bob asked. “Why would you do something silly like that?”
“Grown-ups get to do all kinds of things that I can’t. Like be real reporters. And stay up late. And eat nothing but macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
“Still,” reasoned Bob, “you get to do a lot of really cool things, too.”
“Like what?” Junior was being a little grumpy.
“Well, you get to be cub reporter. Sure, I might not let you cover every story, but how many of the other kids you know get to have their stories published at all?”
“That’s true,” said Junior.
“And you get to play at recess. I haven’t had recess since I was your age.”
“Really?” asked Junior. “I do like recess.”
“And you get to go to the movies for half-price. I can’t go to the movies for half-price.”
“My grandpa goes to the movies for half-price,” replied Junior. “I bet it won’t be long before you can, too.”
“I’m not as old as your grandpa!” scowled Bob.
“You’re not?” asked Junior.
“Let’s change the subject,” said Bob. “The point is, you can go to movies for half-price now.”
“Yeah,” said Junior. “I guess being a kid isn’t so bad.”
“More than that,” said Bob. “Being Junior Asparagus isn’t so bad.”
“Yeah, I like being me!” agreed Junior. “Besides, I learned that little guys can do big things, too! I guess I was forgetting all about that! Hold it, I’m feeling stronger. In fact, I don’t feel sick at all!”
“Really? That’s probably because you did more than stop being jealous. You were also content with what you have and who you are,”
Bob added.
“Yeah! The only way to really stop envy is by being content. A content heart is a healthy heart!” Junior pronounced.
“You said it, kid. And I’ll print that in my paper any day!” Bob said.
“Oh, my! I’d better go,” Junior shouted. “Larryboy doesn’t know how to stop envy!”
CHAPTER 17
JUNIOR TO THE RESCUE
“Larryboy?”
“Yes, Archie?” Larryboy responded through his radio set.
“What is that strange sound I’m hearing?” “What sound, Archie?”
“Well, it’s sort of a scrunching and crunching sound.”
“Oh, that,” said Larryboy. “That would be my head.”
“What?”
“Not now, Archie. I’m a little busy.”
Larryboy was tied up and standing in the middle of the really huge, super gigantic, massively gargantuan vise. And the clamp was squeezing down on his head! Frank and Jesse had taken the vise off the bank, and they were now using it on Larryboy.
“Now you will know what it feels like to be short,” the Emperor gloated.
“Is that what all this is about? Your wish to be tall? I don’t suppose you would like to be stretched instead?” asked Larryboy.
“No.”
“You really should consider it. Of course, you’d look more like a bell pepper. But you’re always grouchy, so a pepper sorta suits you. I think you should consider it. Don’t ya think?”
“Larryboy!” Junior was racing down the street toward the hero, yelling at the top of his lungs. It isn’t enough to not be envious!”
“Hah!” said Jesse. “He learned that three chapters ago!”
“Could you guys hold it down for a second?” asked Larryboy. “I’m trying to hear Junior.”
“Oh, sorry,” said the sweet potatoes in unison.
“It’s just like my dad said!” shouted Junior. “God made each of us special. And God wants us to be happy with who we are and what we have. That’s how you defeat envy—by being content!”
“I can do that!” said Larryboy. “If I only knew what ‘content’ means.”
“It means being happy with what you have, rather than wishing for things that others have!”